I write this starting note mid-way.
Please give this, my psychotic over analytical babble a chance. And a comment, even if its just a word. I'd really like that. Thanks.
An impression, a imprint left by interaction, true in the way it convays action into something understand-able may be what i wish this to be but not what it may turn out as. Ive always found it hard to use words in a way which doesn't leave me with this tired feeling of disappointment. In myself, for not being as naturally interesting, sympathetic or true as i may want. Either a disappointment in myself, for who i believe my words have expressed myself as being; or one at my words themselves at they're inability to express the person i am, the intent i had behind them or just lacking a quality i though i possessed. Then one assumption leads to the next and i sometimes give up with words. As, ironically i just did. I was going to write something concerning my latest thoughts on myself as being idealistically 'raw'. And no not in a raw and ready, sexual way, nor in the way meat is, but more so like a wound or a gem.
To backtrack, i know most of this may come across as if I'm trying to make myself sound pretentious, i mean that as an insult, or as if I'm a self-pity indulged narcissist
And thats not me, I think and hope
The raw analogy applies to this as an unknown, a hope of a better self to come out polished, finished and sure of my own edges.
But also with a current sensitivity of something un-hoaned, bits hurt with a brush of air and others feel nothing, maybe damage is being done but their are no nerves in these areas. abandoned in a weird hopelessness, or unhurt and strong. Or like the areas of harm, being pulled away to reveal a new better self, with a varying sensitivity leaving me unable to tell one area i should not prod and torment and allow to heal, from the other that allows better things to surface when its harm is stripped off my surface.
But with both I'm unsure of which. Im unsure a lot. About myself mostly.
And about how things have come to an end in 'this' as i analyse things come apart but i can never finish putting them back together, i get tired lose track or, when i continue the ending is never what i hoped it would be, it feels wrong, false. Not Ideal, not that life, thoughts or anything really is, but not in a ugly truth kind of way either.
Sorry for unloading this. It might have helped me, i hope it has

1. This is not brief. It's also redundant.
2. If you find it hard to use words, maybe use less words?

in responce
1. It may not be a brief statement true, but i couldn't get this into a statement, what i struggle with is condensing my words, if I had the time I'd have ended up writing a hundred page impression
I wasn't meaning this was necessary to you but to myself, and unsurprisingly you haven't really understood what i tried to say
2.Is this point not another way of phrasing the first??

See you can do it if you try.
"I have trouble condensing words" will suffice.

Words are at worst misleading and at best defective. Most of the times they're insufficient to capture the meaning or essence of things. Just how it works. Simpler words usually do the job better. Also, one topic at a time. Disappointment due to its limitations Is only natural.

In communication,the best way of expressing one's self is through repeated interactions, not just a few loaded with hundreds of words. Ofc people are gonna find that troublesome and get irritated.

Btw can you clarify what you meant in the later parts? Is it that you are having an internal conflict of what to feel and self esteem?

Also may I know which region's english this is? Seems very peculiar to me.

>>2
#1 is a statement, #2 is a suggestion. Implies the same thing though.

Thanks, this repeated interaction is comforting.
Right now I'm going through a bit of a depressed phase, my mind being clouded and unclear is troubling me more than it usually does making me obsess. Self esteem is pretty low because of this along with other things i can't pin-point. Maybe because i don't want to, maybe because they're to tangled in other threads of thought.
And I recognise limitations are another issue i often have, in finding i can't do something how I'd like to i become frustrated that I'm not getting anything out of it and cause myself more problems.
The later parts are more about how sensitive and unstable i feel and how i can go from strong to weak so easily, sometimes depending on a constant but at other times this not being so predictable(traceable to a cause). And also about how i want to change myself, feeling un-content with my current state, wishing, a pretty hopeless idealistic wish, that there is something, of my true self that is a person i want to be under all this... mess.
And that when i find/become/uncover this self it'll be easy to maintain and live as, sure there will be hard patches but in them i can retain a sense of self.
Im a native english speaker, its odd you ask that, I've been told my english 'peculiar' and been asked what my first language is before on this same site...

>>4 And I'm sorry for such a long message again....
hopefully this one is more easily readable

Yep, that one's easier.

Well, you misspelled a few words here and there, and put komas in weird parts, but most of all the pattern is kinda unusual.
Definitely not mainstream American English, and not British either. It's like a mix between scientific language and poetry from my point of view, but that's just me.

Moving on, a sense of self is usually superficial in most cases. Because the personality is neither constant nor fluid but somewhere in between, people often establish an image of their 'selves' which crumble relatively easy. Often (I've got statistics to back me up in this) there are multiple different (but necessarily conflicting) aspects of personalities that they themselves are not aware of. The term 'stable' is usually used when there is a good balance between said aspects of personalities, but time and again they break down and become disordered.
Is this similar to what you feel?

Honestly, english/spellings or grammar has never been my strong point but thanks for that point of view, really, I'm weirdly complimented by the scientific language/poetry thing. Being a sideline artist who is studying sciences its nice to know a bit of my way of thinking comes across when i write/speak.
Ok so i think i understand what your saying, personality is more so founded on a basis of self that is solitary. The changing part is the surface, steaming from a few different 'cores' of personal qualities, effected by environment, interactions and over time can come to shift so from these cores. I feel this shift effect I'm trying to describe might have happened to me.
A few months back i felt i had a surface that worked, I genuinely enjoyed being with people and felt my outward projection was.. alright. Yes there were things i wanted to improve and change, but overall they were minor and i was building up, getting more true to my (ideal)self.
Now however i feel I've isolated myself, like you say through aspects breaking down, I'm not sure why or how this has happened, or does, but... it's a repeating feature in my life, one I'm not great a coping with.

Well, that was a blunder. What I said about breaking down was the balance, not the cores themselves. In my opinion, it's impossible for personality cores to break (unless you've got brain damage or something), it's more likely to be buried or overshadowed by the other ones.

It's an identity crisis, I guess, in a sense. When that happens, usually the good thing would be to find a new balance that works. Forcefully trying to revert back to the old one usually backfires. Quite spectacularly. Same thing happened to me and let's just say I now have an incomplete separation of 2 major personas.

Key point is to abandon preclusion about what your 'self' was supposed to be like.

No, not at all i was trying to talk about the balance/surface too, and how mine felt pretty isolated. That i feel that the surface/blanket covering these cores has gotten bit lost, me trying to 'better' myself but in doing so, without perspective, ripping the surface/blanket. Meaning I'm unable to unable to fully attach to or sense these cores. Yet them having weak points, the location of which, I'm unsure. Hence the mention to being sensitive yet unstable earlier on.

Thanks for this conversation, seriously it's helped me start to make sense of what my mind is doing, which will hopefully mean I'm better able to live as myself and not try to control the balance of personas.
Sometimes the thing you need most is some perspective, and people close to you in real life are usually unable to have this.

wut......Is this an grammar thread or are you guys just being you guys...

And still too long.

>>7 "komas" should be "commas"

>>1 First word of the thread name isn't a word

But you read it anyway, hmm? XD
Komas sound cuter.

But wait, piepie read something longer than 3 lines..
I feel like it's going to snow tmr.
Please make it snow. I hate summer.

I'll try to keep this simple for now so just a few quick questions.
Would you say that you're a deep thinker? And if so did you go through or are still in a significant change where you started your deep thinking and understanding many things in a different way to how you normally would have looked at things? Man that was poorly worded, I hope you get the idea though.
Anyway. With your thoughts would you say that they're unorganised, incomplete, or unable to be completely formed (as in you have physical limitations like brain power). And by unorganised I also mea incomplete in the way that you have so many thoughts going on that you can't isolate one and expand off of it so it doesn't go anywhere. And my second option I just mean incomplete as in you only get half/parts of ideas and don't know what to do with them.
I guess a question I should have asked earlier is if you had a point where you changed, like your mind opened and you started looking at everything defferently.

Anyway, I can't talk too much at the moment but in theory, I'll be back in a few days and be able to talk a lot. I'm really interested in where this is going but am having trouble reading it all on a phone :/
And I'd say don't hold anything back, talk as much as you need to, I like listening to interesting people.