Sooooo~! I have recently written a post and was really depressed. It was on the fourth of December I believe! It is now the tenth of December from where I am located. I am not that sad anymore. I think life has been rolling even farther downhill than before. The stress has become so overwhelming I cannot help but laugh. I laugh at myself for being so useless. I laugh at others because I agree with every flaw they point out in me. I laugh because no one understands how crazy I may be. As much as I hate myself, It's because I hate me that I love myself the most. I have gotten even farther away with my friend/crush. My mother seems to hate me even more, ando I just can't stop laughing. I'll never be the most loved so maybe I can be the most hated. I have also change much of how I think. Like my thoughts on love. My dear friend is so sweet this person is like a valuable vase. Their smooth, attractive features draw everyone in. The perfectness is just oh so suitable for smashing. You want to just break it to hear that irresistible shattering sound. My thoughts are not normal and I've realized such cannot be reality. The thing is people think I'm not mature and don't know what I'm saying. They label me by my age, race, gender, sexuality, and other things I cannot change. They are humans. The beings in which I hate the most.

I've mentioned this in my previous post how Mikado and I have "Sought after Extraordinary." If you don't know, there is a track of the Durarara soundtrack named The Sought After Extraordinary. It plays when Mikado-kun is deep in thought, or distressed. The title comes from how he wants to live a life unlike anyone else. I've felt this feeling for many years even before I've watched the anime. I've never liked humans and I've always wanted to be those loud, proud, and daring students. I'm not anything and nothing significant ever happens in my life. I've always feared getting in trouble but now it doesn't seem so scary. I don't want to hurt people I just want to feel like my life is on the line, like life is worth living, I want to take a risk. The guilt I feel is always extremely great. I'll feel bad and responsible even if my sister stole something and not me. When I judge someone as I look at them it only takes me about ten seconds to realize what I've done and I instantly regret thinking in such negative ways. I always try to balance every bad thing I do, say, or think with something good. As a human I am not perfect. I know such now. I know exactly what many humans think, and I want to know what normal humans do not. I want to know if I am normal. So that when I find out I am normal I can change. I never want to be normal.

I know no one will understand this. I cannot properly explain my feelings. I just hope someone can tell me what's wrong with me.

I created a story that I try to put my feelings in It's called I have an affinity for Insanity. I haven't finished it buto maybe one day I'll post some of it on the literature threads!

Are you still here RLKSH?

Apparently not. Nevermind.

I'm not sure if it's the same thing. But I always feel like shit.I don't have any direct hatred for anyone. I can feel like shit, but it's hard for me to feel sorrow, remorse, or just sadness over all. When I do feel anything like this, I have to force it onto myself. I end up enjoying these feelings, because they make me feel alive. I have never felt someone truly hate me. They might have said that they do, at one point, but it's never true. Or else I would feel it. Sorry if I rambled on, I tend to do that, but I prefer to listen to what other people think about. Especially people who aren't normal

>>3 I think I went to sleep shortly after posting this.

>>4 Are you implying I am not normal??! I think you're understanding! Yay!! I think that's part of what I feel. I wish someone would hate me so much they'd want to kill me. Almost like Shizuo and Izaya. Instead of loving someone forever, I want a never-ending mutual hatred. Really I can never imagine someone taking interest in me, nor do I feel like imagining it. I want to find someone crazy, but not what others call "mental". Haha I hate that word too. I'm so odd no one can ever talk to me about this. When I say I'm not normal they try to "comfort" me by telling me I'm just human. I wish someone would accept my mistakes without shoving something in my face saying I need it. I don't want to be forgiven, I don't believe in heaven, I don't need religion, I hate being a human. Sadly, my thoughts aren't common among people my age, or many people at all. I can only dream and write about my desires. Not many things are comforting but I find your reply helpful and a bit satisfying. Thank you!