I'm looking for someone who is nothing. To be nothing means you have a kind of emptiness and even loneliness in a way that others can't other understand. You have no one and nothing that truly means anything to you. You don't hate, but have no interest in the kind of things others do and are after something with greater significance to fill the emptiness in your heart. You could completely abandon your current life with no regrets or hate and never look back. You only don't because you have no direction to go in. You have nothing to lose and are able to make any decision you want without worries of anything or any limitations holding you back. But you have no purpose and see no choices that would be of any significance. You have nothing important to you. You have no one. You are nothing.

Does someone like that truly exist? Are there people out there who see the world in such a different way to everyone that they see things in this way? Can anyone truly be apathetic to everything?

If you exist then I need to meet you. You don't even have to post, just email me at my username at gmail. If you aren't who I'm after then completely ignore this post.

You don't have to answer this, but if you don't mind me asking...

What do you intend to do with this person, if so ever you do meet him/her?

>>2 It is hard to say. No one should go through life alone but some people can only find something with certain kinds of people. I don't really know what else to say really... If you are truly nothing then you don't even know what you want or what you should do. The only thing we know is that we want to find that something. Call it what you like; purpose, friend, story, something to get rid of the emptiness, some reason to exist, etc. That's the only thing we know and want at this point.

Well for me I see myself as a total waste of society's resources. When it comes to decision making I rather think logically or for the good of the many than putting myself first since a trash like me would be less beneficial. That's how I make my decisions everyday.

I can't say I view myself as worthless, but I could easily abandon my currently mundane lifestyle. I don't have much to live for, and the monotony of everyday life will probably soon be the end of me, as I firmly believe boredom can kill. Additionally, I have no personal connections with anyone, really. They are all pawns, just as I am, and we all ultimately have no purpose. I do have an extensive list of reasons for my apathy - if you would like to know. So I will volunteer since this may be intriguing.
Text me at 254-245-1727 to contact me.

I wish i could say that i am one of those people
Being able to walk away from everything without a regret in my head
See that is something i can do
Being alone isent hard either not really any of the disciption above is stopping
But
I dont believe that enyone has no one
You see
There will always be someone for you
Not in the love relationship way
But just...be there
Maybe you only dislike people of this world
But then again
Some you dislike less than others

I'll be honest with you. I don't think I'm worthless, but I don't think I'm worth a lot either. This perspective is based on my own standards, I didn't take into consideration what the people around me think of me.

I don't have nothing, I have some things I hold on to. My family, my education, my dreams, my friends, and my morals.

Though, I can be a very rash person at times. I may just suddenly drop everything and run. Run away to somewhere unknown. I've always entertained that idea. I actually have the special opportunity of being able to work in Japan because I am a Japanese descendant. My parents let me chose whether to pursue a young, working career in Japan, or to stay in wherever I live and finish my education. I chose the latter.

I still entertain the idea of sudden escapism... but it's my third year in university. I might as well finish it.

Ah, I think I've strayed too far from my point. Anyway, I have critically examined my life, and I don't believe I have nothing (unfortunately).

I envy someone who has truly nothing. Unlike me, they would have no reservations in doing what they want since what have they got to lose? How wonderful it must be in being able to do things with all your heart, without looking back, without looking down. Ahhh, but I know being nothing isn't all good either.

I may not be nothing (for now), but I truly even who is.

(Btw I'm sorry if my ideas seems long and messed up.)

Corrections:

*let me choose
*but I truly envy who is.

It's tedious rereading on mobile. Sorry.

I don't mean people who are worthless, I mean people who are nothing. Nothing is nothing, there is no good or bad with it, it's simply the lack of anything. Being nothing means that you can become something completely different to others who are already something. You still need to grow and develop but are capable of some very unique and interesting things. If our journey through life is like walking along a path then someone who's nothing has gone back to the very start of the path and are able to see a completely different path that everyone else had missed. Another word that goes well with true nothingness is potential. I'm not looking for someone amazing or interesting or anything significant, I'm looking for a seed that still is yet to grow.
Well, something like that. I'm not the best at giving accurate impressions or even knowing what kind of impression I'm meant to give people.

That's what I thought you meant, hah. Ah, best of luck to you, pal.

Though let me tell you, you are a very beautiful person. You have so much kove and care to give, so here you are looking for someone who needs it.

Ah, your life story would be interesting. I hope you don't take what I said the wrong way and say I'm a creep of some sort. You really are a beautiful human being.

I AM.

Wow that is me every thing you said was me and hate it you know but its me and I don't care its what makes me...me

>>10 Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not a selfless person. I'm not doing thus for others. If I find someone who I can truly care about then I'm still doing it for me. If I find someone who I understand and understands me, that we share a kind of bond that I could never begin to imagine, that I rely on and am relied on by, then they become a part of me and something that I need. If I help them then it's ultimately helping me. It all comes back to myself.
And I'm not in need of encouragement. I'm not interested in kind words and good intentions. Things like that just don't effect me anymore, good or bad... I'm sorry if that was rude, the world works differently to me...
My life story would be interesting... I wonder what brought that thought up... But no, it really isn't. All I have is a perception, in the real world there is still nothing interesting. I could be anyone, any normal person you see at school or work. Life is still boring and "normal" for me, at least for now.

This reminds me of a certain conversation I had with a friend. We were both pondering on whether there really was such a thing as 'charity' or 'selflessness'. Well, you see, basically, everything we do will affect us whether we know it or not. Even if we say taking a bullet for someone is selfless, it really isn't (as we discussed), because you conformed to what you felt was right, to what you felt was satisfyig to you (to be able to save that someone). I (we) believe everyone is selfish, whether I'm (we're) aware of it or not. Now, the interesting thing is how our selfishness affects others. Your selfishness affects others positively, which is I suppose virtuous. Well, this is just how I perceive it. Feel free to disagree.

Don't take it the wrong way, I don't say kind things to make someone just feel good. I don't sugarcoat so as to appear kind to you. What I said is just what I said. That's all there is to it. It doesn't matter for me how you take it because that's up to you.

I see. Well, what I find interesting may not be interesting to you. It's all perspective, heh. An interesting person for me is ultimately he who has awareness of how mundane life can be. Most people are oblivious to the most obvious of things about life. They're too distracted with materials, relationships, or anything else to sit down and look at life in the face (if life was a person). It doesn't take a circus man to pique my interest in men (both man and woman), hah.

Sorry if I may have confused or offended you with anything I said. Have a good day, toforeversigh.

some body like who is nothing would not want your care nor do they require it. We are non existent, We are invisiblE.

Are you nothing? toforeversigh

>>14 I like it, it's an interesting thought. I guess the point I was trying to make was that I'm not intentionally going out of my way to help others, whether I am or not on other levels is different.
I agree with you about what makes a person interesting but you said my life story. The real world lacks stories, so if you're only looking at perceptions and views of the world then would you classify something like a blog as someone's life story?

And I guess I should have mentioned this earlier but there's two things I like to clarify to others about myself. I don't judge and I don't get offended. The idea is for people to truly speak there mind without having to worry about the kind of factors that cause problems or unnecessary. I like to clarify this because it goes both ways and one thing that can really frusterate me is people holding back. You don't have to worry about offending me and if you have a different view on things then I'm not going to judge you for it or tell you you're wrong. There's a back story towards where a few of my perceptions/views started but that's not important. Fun fact; I can't hate people, not don't but am unable to. You discover some interesting things when developing one's perception :D
Oh and lastly I guess that was my bad for giving the wrong impression. I guess I'm just really confused with your use of the word beautiful and what would make you say that from what you've seen of me. Beauty isn't something I've put much thought into to be honest, I guess you see things differently there.

I find you very interesting actually, thanks for replying to my thread/posts :)

>>16 It's strange how hard that is to answer but I guess simple answer no. I pretty much am in many ways but am starting to see a kind of purpose/reason to exist so I have something to try and move forward towards. But that's all really, all it's done is make me even more lost and confused because I can no longer feel content sitting still.. But I guess that's not too important, I talk way too much about myself and perception and stuff...

It's alright to talk about yourself since you just answered my question. The thing is I've asked myself that question many times and I have always answered no even though most of time I feel empty. It is just the world seems not to care. I just have to go with the flow, live my life, and wait for the end. (Maybe for you to find a real apathetic person, seek someone who is antisocial, i dunno xD)

I am nothing

It's reasonable, isn't it? Ah, let me correct that. I meant life story as in the development of your being -- your deep insights, perspectives, and your being apathetic towards humans and their reactions. I'm not interested in your perspectives towards the world particularly, but I AM ultimately interested in the worldview/s that is the very foundation of your perspectives. What primary, basic values or ideas do you cling on to? How does it cause you to have such an apathetic disposition towards humans? Those are just a few of the questions I've thought of. I doubt it's something I nor anyone can materialize or accurately pinpoint. I don't mean to pry, and I do not expect you to unfold yourself like a present. It's just something I consider interesting to ponder on.

I understand why that would confuse you; aesthetics is too broad a word, too big and subjective a concept. I should have set the criteria on what I consider beautiful... or perhaps just tell you what I think it means to be called beautiful. Though unfortunately, I can't. I shouldn't have carlessly used 'beautiful' for lack of a better word as it just instigated confusion (both to you and now, myself). Though I think you can disregard me calling you beautiful if it bothers or confuses you (still). I think I've successfully communicated how I believe you are interesting.

Corresponding with you has been pleasurable, too.

Waa.. I thought I might be the only one to share this similar apathy. I am actually more interested to your reply (toforeversigh) to Fenress about that fun fact of yours, which I think I share the same (or maybe similar) thought. It's more like I dont find any particular reason to hate or love them. Long ago I tried to think some reasons for it but I could come up with these 2 only.

1. It doesnt matter to me what others do with their life as I am pretty sure nothing would faze me and hence affect me. I also believe I am quite selfish (in the same way as explained by Fenress) and I end up not expect anything from peoples which gives me no reason to hate / love them. I dont find it affecting me in anyways as everything to me sounds like just a bunch of words.

2. I remember what it felt to be in love with a person, but that long feeling is lost and is only as if stored in the form of data. I do appreciate people if I find them interesting just like how one finds certain art interesting and hence appreciates it. So all I can do is remember them and think - oh thats how the feeling that person must be feeling right now. If I find no reason to hate / love a person then I dont see myself hating / loving them. The problem in this reasoning I had noticed is that whenever a person does something known as "hateful" to me (idk if its hateful or not, so I am just taking some situation which some of my frnds consider it as being hateful for them), I try to reason them out why did they do it and I find their reasons as valid, since I accept that all people dont think logically all the time and irrational behaviour is expected to happen if they face a circumstance they cant handle and ends messed up in it. This way, i dont feel hatred towards them nor sympathy as I, tbh, cant picture myself doing the same if I was in their place, since I cant imagine my now-self make those irrational decisions.

And truthfully, I dont hate this way of life (I know you dindn't asked this). I am kinda glad that I dont hate people for their act (which ineffect helps me saving my energy in thinking about useless stuffs) and am always reasonably sound whenever making a statement or conversation with someone (that way I am always conscious of what I do). All this may sound as if I am boasting off, but I dont mind that either.

I don't see myself as totally useless, but I am a waste. All I can do is think about things literally and logically. It causes me a lot of inner pain.

So I'm not the only one, that's a first. My parents fight all the time and my dad some times makes me feel like crap. He works my butt of and I don't have anyone i could say is a real friend or is really nice to me.

>>23 Ah,I see. Hmm.... well, you see, I don't think the world is completely black and white. So, I just find that personality so contrary to human nature...so disciplined, so inauthentic (sorry). Do you naturally feel that? or do you TRY to resist the urge to hate anyone? I think the latter since, as you said, you try to justify their actions. Surely there are things that make you hate or love humans, aren't there? Because if not, I don't think you would care enough to be here, talking to strangers online.

Perhaps this... consider the situation of these two people. One is butchering the other to death using a machete. What do you do? Second scenario, YOU are being butchered to death by this person. What do you do? Feel free to respond or not. I do not (well, cannot) compel you to do so.

Though I may have misunderstood you. As for me, I CAN hate people, but ONLY at some point. My hate for anyone is not easily triggered (though annoyance is easy), but my point is... it can be (triggered). I'm heartbreakingly human afterall. Sorry if I may have offended you, but I do mean all these well and sincerely.

Ah, let me change that. How would you FEEL?* Doing is something tok external.

Abswer if you don't mind~ I find your perspectivesinterestingly peculiar.

>>21 I guess technically there is a story on how my perception formed because I obviously wasn't always like this. I guess I get what you mean though, but I don't really like talking about real life factors that much so email me if you want and I tell you a lot of what happened.

But I don't feel uncomfortable, just more interested because I know that you meant it in a different way than usual. Words and languages have limitations so it's fair enough in my opinion.
And maybe when I created this thread I wasn't hoping to find someone who is nothing but rather someone who is interesting :)

>>23 Interesting... A lot of what you said is very similar and related but there's a bit more too it with me in different ways.

>>26 It's true that the world isn't black and white but I do believe that it's possible to have a perception like this without it being anything to do with discipline or being inauthentic. I can't speak for Jekyll and Hyde but I think it might be that you got the wrong impression of him/her. Keep in mind it's really hard to give accurate impressions on topics like this.
However, like how I was looking at things like stories and what's interesting on a different level/different way to you before I think you might be looking at this differently to him. You see the word hate and our definition and views on how it works can be different. Like how what you said as beauty made me thing you meant it as something else.

But yes, in the end we are all human, no one is perfect so even understanding oneself can be hard. It's hard to say how much we can see on things like this.

On my reply to Jekyll and Hyde, I hope you don't misunderstand. I did not mean to condescend or reject his perspectives, I simply want to understand. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm prying; I guess it's not good to make you both feel like test subjects.

Ah, perhaps 'inauthentic' came off too strong a word. I did not mean it in a bad way; I was not saying he was being ingenuine with his perspectives. I simply meant his feeligs and reactions are mostly controlled and restricted, which is not necessarily a bad thing. It's just... so uncommon, so unique. I want to be able to understand, to see things the way you see it, to feel the way you feel it. I'm not so sure if that's possible, though. Sounds so cheesy, I would be embarrased if I said this in real life. Ah, you can say it's in line with me wanting to try everything.

I genuinely find him (you guys) interesting. I am sorry if I sounded cold, but believe me I am truly interested.

TBH, you're not gonna find that guy here, only gonna find a bunch of delusional teenagers who THINK they are that guy.

>>29 It's fine. We tend to all be bad at communicating and understanding one another when it comes to things like this, and the limitations of our language and real world factors aren't helping that XD. But I'm curious what Jekyll and Hyde has to say as well because I can't quite figure it out yet and I don't want to overthink things and jump to the wrong conclusion.

(Follow up. Forgot to add this but I suddenly had class, so)

Ah, don't worry. You don't have to tell me if you don't feel like it~ it's quite alright this way, too.

And yes, I might have the wrong impression of him (or anyone, really) because what do I know, right? I'm not saying this out of pity, I am saying it because it's the truth (well, the truth I know of anyway) -- I am human too, barely grasping the entirety of the world, let alone other human beings OR myself, even. But I don't think that means I have to stop trying to comprehend humans anyway.

Thank you for responding. I always look forward to your thoughts, toforeversigh.

I kinda fall into that category, but I'd rather say that I am everything. I see worth only in myself, everything else is nothing for me.

"You have kind of emptiness or nothingness that nobody can understand." Nobody can truly understand somebody else, sir.

what i thought of or rather think is ..is that people are developing and changing. the type of person you are searching for can either be me, her, him or yourself.. but was changed.. for certain circumstances.. (may be)
my word is that
.expect to be disappointed cuz humans are full of surprises.. one moment he's like that the next moment he's the opposite..
what you're searching for might be already there but has slowly adapting the changes.. or worst dead.. cuz a life and a trait like that might not be able to survive this constant changes of this world
to survive means to change for the better.

To Fenress
* I thought one gets notification to the reply but it doesnt seems that way, so sorry for taking time to reply. Its my first time here and as soon as i came here i stumbled upon this post in personal section*

You aksed if i naturally feel that. I do naturally feel it. That is why to explain why i feel naturally that way, i tried to find couple of reasons (and not the other way round). I tried to observe my past actions and so was able to come up with couple of things that i thought might be the reason for me feeling that way. When i see people doing something unreasonable I dont find myself hating them which is why afer observing this i tried to justify *myself* if there is any reason that i should be feeling hatred or well any kind of feelings towards them.

Your example is interesting since i myself used to picture it quite often in past (at times picturing my friends or family being getting butchered). I too think what if there is a person thats getting butchered in front of me? Will i run and save him/her or will just leave it since it doesnt concern me. One part of me feels that its of no concern to me and go on with the mundane uninteresting life i have been living, while other part of me wants to get entangled in the situation so that i get to feel some thrills which one normally never get to feel it. As a person living a life logically, I find no logic in physical brawling and hence i dont fight, but in this situation, i have an excuse to fight. Even in both of your situation mentioned, i dont find myself hating them, but merely feeling the pleasure (myself) to fight (or feel pain and eventually fight due to maybe excitement) as it provides an excuse to fight someone which normally never happens to me.

Sounds quite contradictory so i cant help if you misunderstood me. It confuses me as well sometimes. When the talk comes to fight, all it gives my body is excitement to fight and the pleasure it comes after fighting. But whenever the talk is about otherwise, like a person is shouting at me or getting angry at me, i dont feel anything. Also same case is true for love. If other person is feeling love for me, all i can do is nod to them and say thats nice or thats good for them. I dont find myself able to love them but that doesnt mean i cant take care of them. When i say i like all human beings, i meant it in a way that i dont find them being hateful so the treatment i would give to them will be same for everyone. Like how i care for a cat, its the same thing to me.

>>35 Thank you so much for your reply! I feel privileged to have heard from you. I'm sorry if in some way I induced you to post a long reply. I'm glad anyway.

Moving on... ah I see. I read everything. I want to keep my post as short as possible (I've been posting a lot these days), so I will ask one more question. Again, feel free to respond or not. This is related to you saying 'I dont find myself able to love them but that doesnt mean i cant take care of them.'

What urges you to take care of them, if not for genuine concern or love?

Ah, there can be a number of reasons; it can be that you're pressured by society so, not wanting to feel societal displeasure, you are urged to take care of the person. OR it can also be that you just somehow feel the need to take care of something (or someone) regardless of your feelings being uninvolved... it can be because of a lot of things. I want to know if you can tell me~ well, I don't expect you to. Who knows, even you yourself might not even have understood why~ anything at all.

Thanks again for responding!

>>33 True, but people think that they see/understand a lot more than they do, and it's not until you can see a lot more than you used to that you realise how little you really see. I probably put that badly but whatever, I just hope you get the gist of it
And that is a good way of putting it, it's weird how opposites can coexist sometimes in strange ways. It reminds me of something I thought of actually. I tend to believe that nothing is certain, but another way of putting it is that everything is possible. They both mean the same thing really but are just looking at it different ways, or emphasizing different things.

>>34 It's true that things change so much, and I like the way that you're looking at things this way. I liked to tell myselfthat the one thing I believe in is the future and that it will change that is. Things will happen, for better or worse, who knows, but it won't always be like this and how unknown it is makes it all the more interesting. But on the topic of people changing so much I have a question. With something like a true friend or love where there's only one person out there for you, can it be anyone and only after knowing them for so long they change enough to become then? Or is there a few people who have potential and could become that person? This is aimed at everyone so anyone can reply if they have an answer or thought.

>>35 Okay, I guess reasoning for why we're like this can be hard but if it's natural then I guess that's just who you are, which is probably a good thing. But I also agree with what I feel Fenress was getting at with her scenario because in a scenario like that who knows how we'll act, even we are unpredictable to ourselves. I don't know how much hate would have to do with our actions though and when we make a rushed/quick decision it's not always going to be how we truly feel, otherwise regret wouldn't be a thing. I like to take things slowly so I'm sure I actually have enough time to think about things.
Oh yeah, and if you have a hard time doing rushed decisions, and have done things that you regret then you can often understand where others are coming from and can you really blame them for it? I feel like people forget that there's more to other people than what you see, they think and feel like you do, thoughts and questions go through their head, they have their own problems and factors/reasons behind what they do. In the words of Plato "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle".
And if you're comparing it to something like a cat then it might just be that you like to watch them, and occasionally interact with them, but nothing too serious or complicated that it loses it's purity or innocence.

>>36 (this is an answer, not specifically mine, to your question) A way of looking at the world is that the most efficient way of it working is through everyone helping each other out. Things would be more convenient for everyone if this were the case so an involuntary view of the workd, or approach to it even, which might appear selfless, might be to care for others in this way. It's only because people know that they can't rely on others as much as the idea says, and end up going out of their way or gaining nothing from it, that people ignore this approach now and have become as self centered as they are now. But in the end, like before, if the idea were to work it would be mutually beneficial for everyone, and make life easier for ones self (in other words is still selfish XD).

But yeah, there's probably a tonne of factors we aren't seeing so who knows? I can sort of understand an involuntary attitude towards things like how I mentioned though, don't know if things actually work like that though.

>>37

Well, yes, mutual benefit. Though, considering our world now..... eh. You're right. There might be other factors we haven't considered.

Anyway, I do appreciate your reply!

>>36

Like i said in my last line, to me taking care is as simple as one trying to feed a cat. My feelings towards people is not that of kindness nor that of pity, but more of an animal - social animal. There is no societial pressure on me as this living of mine is developed under an environment where there is lots of freedom. For me, i consider humans to be animal (not that I see myself any different) so just like how I caresses a cat dog or such pets which is not coz of love or pity but simply that i want them to survive to allow them to stand on their own legs and see them develop or evolve. For me, I get joy (or maybe fun) in seeing how people grow. Observe them how they grow in different environment - character development and with it the plot development they bring with it, doesnt matter if they turn into a good person deemed right for the society or a evil person. My taking care is very similar to this. Like said by toforeversigh it might be that i dont really consider matter caused by them too seriously and just simply want to watch them over. So, I dont think this kind of act comes under classification of kindness or genuinity . Its still a self-centred act that would like to see what changes will happen in the system when they are altered in a way that their situation has become as good as new. What path would they take or would they choose from here on. it's not like I'm going to stalk them, I will just leave it to that. As said in baccano - The unfinished story has enormous possiblity and just anticipating them in itself is fun.

oh .. please dont take it wrong way when i said i see humans as animals ... I just wanted to mean it in a way that I see helping them grow is no different for me than seeing helping a cat grow in its surroundings. It's just that when it comes to human beings, due the thing called consciousness and awareness, the possibility becomes huge and its more fun to watch over them that way. Ofc i am one of them too.

I am bad with words so expressing myself is usally hard for me. Hope you understand.

Thank you for reponding. Don't worry, I am completely open to views such as these. I am quite the same at times, so I guess I can understand now, thanks for clarifying.

That's a good way to say how you think you feel. As it stands, I believe I was right with what I thought you would say: what you're doing is not necessarily out of genuine love NOR is it from societal pressure. Also, you don't necessarily despise it either. Just.... blank. Whichever is convenient. Ahh, I see.... okay, okay.

But I've been thinking... personalities such as these (or any personality, really) will truly be put to a test. Tests which are concerned with making us choose between only two things -- black or white. Those types of scenarios will also define us, along with other things. The thing is, when I imagine scenarios such as these, I can't think of a very predictable way your character will act. Well, it might just be me... but it's fascinating.

I mean yes, no one is completely predictable... only to a certain extent, but still.

Truthfully, an antagonistic side of me would want to see you dance (metaphorically). If I were completely antagonistic, I would throw you in agonizing situations you could never imagine and force you to chose...because that's how interesting I believe your personality is. Thankfully, I'm no psychopath (who knows? Hah.). I want to see if there can really be a blank canvass all throughout his life. Ah, these may sound creepy, but don't worry. I'm not completely insane so as to actually do this to someone. Have a good day.

I'm not going to get involved in this entire thread since it bores me to read so much, but if anyone wants to contact me directly, use rykero.dollars@gmail.com . You put most of my current life into words.

For the most part I think I'm what you seem to be looking for minus the emptiness and loneliness, due to the fact that I don't seem to feel much emotion. The only time I really feel emotions is when I want to feel that emotion. The main ones I tend to feel are happiness, joy and annoyance. Annoyance seems to be the only one I can't turn off don't know why though.

Forgot my email if you want it shadowdragon.dollars@gmail.com

stargirlkaitlyn@gmail.com

well, what you explained this person as- it sounds like a description of me. im a lil scared to see what ya want with me but heres my email. nice to meet you
caodollars@gmail.com

I just have avoidant personality disorder.

A good example of someone with AvPD is Punpun from Goodnight Punpun and an even more obscure example is Woody Allen's Zelig.

I try to fit in with society but existence is annoying and painful. It's a different level of depression that brings me to a point of self-awareness, allowing me a great level of control after years and years of suppressing most of my emotions until it feels like I don't have any. I've spent almost ten years turning off my emotions and yet I persist in trying to walk among you despite retaining my comfortable invisibility.

Fitting in with other humans mostly involve trying to emulate normal human reactions. I try to study and engross myself in everything that I can; music, television, movies, etc. I like everything. I have no hatred for anything. I can't bring myself to hate anyone. My patience is infinite.

And yet, the only thing I hate in this world is myself. My sense of self is simply corrupted and twisted into delusions of not having any self that I try to fill in the blanks so I can feel more "human". This silly anguish and self-hatred brings me to many moments of an empty kind of zen.

There are only two people that know me well enough to point out to me that the delusions in my head are all wrong and yet my delusions argue against their "truths". Every other human I've encountered, I've always felt that I am a forgettable existence and I feel somewhat content with that. I don't need attention. I like to erase my existence every now and then, only to pop back up periodically.

Even these words will be simply forgotten and buried, and I will fade back into the shadows, practicing a fake smile.

>>47 You interest me greatly.