i don´t know anymore... i don´t have "girlfriend material" because.. the guy i am dating is way too good for me.. when i was a kid i was forced to bully my father. because that was the only way to keep him away from me. i knew exactly what spots i had to press in order to break him down. he was always drunk, so i had to be careful not to go too far to make him angry. but what i did. was terrible. i made him cry, by telling the truth in a horrible way. i told him that i will never love him for what he had done to us, he raped me, and watches porn instead of seeing the beauty of his own woman. i said that he was a descries for our family and for that, i said that i will always hate him. and there is no use to hit me, nor do anything more, because what he had done cannot be undone. i will ALWAYS hate him. that made him cry. it left him begging for forgiveness, but i just shook my head and left, looked the door. and knew that i was safe for 7 hours or less. i know how to break a person down. i can read a person, see what their weaknesses are. and i know exactly how to break them. i was thought against my will to be able to kill a person with the deadliest weapon of all. the power of speech. because everything we say, can never be forgotten, i hate myself for that. i hate that i can bring back a traumatic experience so easily. because trauma, is one of the most common reasons of people committing suicide. and also a reason why people kill as well. i hate that i know this so well. i hate that i have part of me that could kill people. and i hate when people say "i love you" when they don´t even realize what a horrible mistake they make to even stand close enough to breath the same air as me. i do not deserve anyone. that is what my mind have been telling me the few days now. i think that is because my boyfriend tells me that i am the best person he ever met and the most considerate as well. i guess hes right. i choose not to hurt him. cuz i love him. thats where my other feelings comes in, that i believe that every single human being. no matter how tarnished their should are. deserves to be loved. love does not have the word "deserve" in the dictionary. id like to believe that. i still believe that even if my father raped me. he still loved me. he must have. since i got into a foster family and he missed me a lot. and i forgive him for everything. because he deserves it. everyone deserves forgiveness. but i don´t feel like i do. i just don´t know. my mind tries to tell me the moral facts but my past refuses to accept them and I'm so afraid that i might start pushing away the people i need the most because of this.

Dont push people away. Especially when they love you. They can help you through so much more than you know.

Listen up, wake up fool. If someone loves you do not doubt, just love them back don't worry about "deserving" or whatever bullshit you've worked into your head. No one is too good for anyone get rid of that logic as well, in the end we're all human and we're all equal. If you're having trauma problems, go into CBT and learn how to control it. The only person who can help you is yourself. But that doesn't mean you can't have support. That boy friend of yours, if he's true to you go and talk to him, and talk to your foster parents, they'll support you. So stop sitting around fearing yourself and what might happen with all your trauma and love etcetera and do something.

if you think your father loves you or that he has changed how about living with him for a week or so and seeing how things turn out ??

Mei, you deserve forgiveness, as you said, everyone does. You know how to break a person but that doesn't make you a bad person. You use your knowledge when you need to. What you had said to your father, I don't know all that you said but what you have said to have said isn't something you should be ashamed of. I know I would've said the same thing in your place. Pushing people away is going to do nothing but hurt you, A LOT. Everyone does bad things in their life's, it's unavoidable because no one is perfect. What you did to your father wasn't wrong of you to do. If you think someone is too good for you then your wrong. We. Are. All. Equal. The past is the past and there's no way to change it. I'm not saying to forget it but I'm just saying to accept it and forgive yourself. However you didn't even do anything wrong in that situation.

just forgive yourself already, he deserved what he got and more, and at this point the only thing thats important is moving on and living a happy life.

Use that ability for something good
Become a negotiator or a lawyer or a public speaker

Don't think anyone is too good for you, thats just a silly preconception used by people to put themselves down when they have something they want but don't feel like they deserve