It's been a while since I've been on the site much, and I've been waiting to make this post for quite some time now. The short and simple is that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I have known this for quite some time, but it has become much more prevelant to me lately. I'll start with just what my personalities are, and then move onto my history with them. Here's a warning that this post is quite long.

1. Default (I refer to it as my real name, but I'd rather not use that here).
2. Henry - very similar to Default, but thinks much more before acting.
3. Batman - my only personality who won't get along with the rest. He has a lot of plans for... let's call them bad things.
4. Red - where Henry was formed based on my ideals, he took whatever was left over.
5. Ashley - this is the one I discovered most recently. She has the mentality of a sterotypical energetic teenage girl.
6. This last one doesn't have a name. I usually just refer to it as the darkness. Whereas all other of my personalities reside in one large living room type space in a house, the darkness fills the rest of the area I've ever ventured to. I don't know if it is the toll my condition has taken or something entirely different, but it has the strongest hold when it takes control.

These are the 'family'. The first thing I should explain is that we are all usually on pretty good terms. We discuss things, information is shared willingly, etc. While a different personality may find it's way to the top, it's usually there for long and it usually doesn't keep its memory to itself except for the darkness. Until the recent year though, all of my personalities were rather vague and shapeless. After the end of my last relationship especially, they demanded to be recognized again.

So I'll give a bit more history now. The first thing I will mention is that I have been labelled a 'genius' for a long time. Please understand that I don't say that to brag. Since the time I was first labelled as the 'smart kid', I did the bare minimum in most of my classes. And apparently I looked like the smart/perfect student too. Without any knowledge of me (to my knowing), teachers would give me breaks they wouldn't give to the other students and be much more lenient with me. I constantly lied through my teeth and I was given the benefit of the doubt. You might've hated someone like me. I never rubbed it in to people, I never wanted to watch other people reap the rewards for their hard work while I did nothing. I absolutely loathed myself for it. This all went throughout my middle school and high school years, but when in my 9th grade year, I scored over 145 on an IQ test, and it was as if peoples' thoughts of my intelligence had been completely restored. Consciously making poor decisions and playing easy while people continued to praise me took an immeasurable toll on me mentally during those years. These are the years that my DID really started to develop. To that point, there had been no solid details to prove it. Surprisingly, I don't think a single one of my original three is still with me. They had names, but they are lost along with them.

Another thing that has brought me great mental distress over the years is my extreme hate of some of the things my parents say and do. Whether it is the complaining or the massive jusgements or anything else, I've always despised it. Just let me say, never sit in your own malace, it will definitely change you.

Now allow me to talk about this middle period of time. By this point, you might have an idea of what went on. When my senior year came along, I decided to ask out the girl I had a crush on since elementary school. I figured that it was better to ask then than never. She was the first girl I asked out (and still is), but short story, I got turned down. Although, in the coming months, my table in music theory had several study sessions and after multiple times with only me and this girl showing up, we started hanging out more and dating. We would have conversations about all sorts of things I didn't understand about social life before we dated; I specifically remember one about flirting. Then one day, it quite literally just happened. We frequently hung out and after one time, we decided that we were just denying it by not calling it a date. It quite literally just happened. During this whole time, my personalities really dissolved, just leaving me. We dated for a year and we knew each other better and were more emotionally mature with each other than most married couples. After graduation though, our schedules began to conflict more and the small amount of time we saw each other lessened even more. There were times she would get caught on something about me and get pissed at me for a day or less throughout the whole relationship. The only time I remember distinctly though was after three days for not being able to talk with everything going on, she got very mad. The difference that time was she didn't calm down in the next day or two. I just held on to the thought that she really had meant the thing she had told me the previous months and I wasn't going to stop loving someone after one week of trouble after so long. Thankfully, I was think I chose right. I held back and waited patiently and after two weeks, she apologized profusely. Those were the two most emotionally scarring weeks of my life though. Day after day, I tried to get her to come to her senses. She wouldn't see me, she would hardly talk to me. One insult she gave me was so impactful to me that the vivid memory still has a physical effect on me today. I didn't know emotions could physically hurt that much. While our relationship may have been peachy afterwards, I was on decline back to my DID. It wasn't long after that we broke up in what as far as I know was mutual. After a while, she started dating a very good friend of mine, but we still have no qualms and they are a much better match for each other honestly. In the end, I still have a lot to thank her for, including many insecurities she helped me get over.

The story after that is pretty simple. A few months of slow deterioration and by the time I decide to change things, I am much too far back into it. It isn't as though I hate my condition though. It may be somewhat mentally stressful with all of the extra load, but it hasn't brought bad things yet. If anything, it is entertaining.

The only bit of history I left out is how mainly about my habit of imitation. I love copying people's speech patterns and vocabulary and maneurisms and so on. I have for quite a while. This is a lot of what I meant by ideals at the start of this. I built myself personas for fun, but eventually, all of that started becoming my new personalities.

Last note, the thing about the darkness is that he is always quite willing to take over (unlike the others) and doesn't share his memories with anyone at all. He won't really even talk to me.

I'm quite tired now, and I've practically written a short novel at this point, so I'll be done for now. I'd be happy to answer questions if anyone has any and aside from the darkness, the rest are open to questions.

I highly recommend checking out the Psych forums. Their DID sub-forum is one of the most active ones online these days, and everyone is very supportive. Most people aren't even aware of what DID is and won't be able to help you here.

>>3 There is a DID sub-forum over there? I had no idea. I don't visit a lot of forums in general though, just mainly Personal here on the Dollars. I guess I was really just talking more than anything, since I am not looking for help outright, but I'll definitely check that sub-forum out more after this. I might learn something and it's always helpful to know yourself well.

Pardon me, but have you been actually diagnosed with DID, or is this a self dx?

I am seeing some discrepancies with your description of your disorder and what DID actually is.

>>5 I haven't been to a psychologist in the past year. The last time I did, was during the first time it began to build, and I was given a sort of prediagnosis. I honestly don't know with 100% certainty if what I have is DID, but I've never found another category it fits in well. I've been considered for schizophrenia the problem is that I really could exhibit mild symptoms of both. I have never experienced specific that can be only linked to a disorder aside from the darkness though. I remember nothing of when he takes over, I apparently act vastly abnormal, and he takes over in times of high to extreme stress. It's possible that there is something else I don't know of though. Other things I experience that could be symptoms are some dislexia-like behavior of rearranging large amounts of data or executing things in the wrong order which leads me to cognitive issues I've had where sometimes I have difficulty using information that has been given to me recently. I have also exhibited disorganized thinking, thought blocking,and even creating neologisms (all three of the thought disorders commonly listed for schizophrenia). Aside from that, while I know some actors will get caught up in their characters, I can specifically state that Ashley is not someone I would ever even pretend to be. Lastly, I'll say that the biggest reason I've never considered the schizophrenia possibility much is the fact that I've never experienced a hallucination (mental stability or not) or large delusions, which are the two largest symptoms. That's a summary of most of my knowledge.

There is a Psych forum here? Where is it?

Is it a subcategory of something? I'd love to go there to read a little bit since I'm interested in psychology.

>>7 It's a different website.

Well, now that I think about it, I have pretty much same problems. I've never thought about it as a disorder though. I just decided not to overthink it and started playing chess, soccer, card games, doing martial arts, drawing etc. Team sports are usually problematic, I don't enjoy socializing, but I became a goalkeeper (I'm a girl, by the way). My parents say I should learn for myself, for my own sake, so it's pretty fine. And I like playing chess, I feel better when I do.

>>9 Oh, I didn't realize. Thank you. You're always so helpful.

While I don't have DID, I have a few friends with it, and they've all said that it's different for everyone. I've heard of alters forming during stressful situations, but that some even pop up out of nowhere. I've also heard of hosts changing from time to time, and when they do, it means the host is "fronting."

Something like that.

wait i thought u cant share memories.well i have no experience with DID so i cant be talking. i think its pretty cool, exept for the fact that darkness seems kinda evil.

>>12 It depends on the person and the situation. The main thing that affects memories is whether or not you're co-conscious. If you are, that means you're conscious at the same time an alter is, except that you're unable to control the body, which results in you sharing memories. You can be co-conscious with some alters and not others.

>>11 Fronting refers to whoever is controlling the body, which can change rarely or extremely often depending on the individual. The host is whoever controls the body the most often or is considered the 'owner'. (Note that since most cases of DID start from trauma during early childhood, many systems don't have a specific alter that's considered the owner of the body and/or the "original" alter has never matured past the point of trauma.)

The host usually changes from time to time. And since personalities come and go, there are times where the current host disappears permanently, leaving other alters in charge of the body.

\\has to research this kinda thing for story characters

>>6 Well Henry, this could be some comfort for you if you're actually worried about yourself, but you almost 100% do not have DID. The Key symptom of Dissociative Identity disorder is that the host personality(default) is not aware of the other personalities and experiences dissociation and lapses of memory during the time other personalities are in control. Seeing as you're aware of your "other personalities" and have a space where you converse with them that Removes the possibility to have DID.

Schizophrenia would be a more reasonable diagnosis, however, its extremely rare that one with schizophrenia is aware that they are mentally ill since the basis of schizophrenia is the inability to distinguish reality from fiction. Your "headmates" sound more like delusions and auditory hallucinations more than completely different personalities inside yourself.

I'd recommend speaking with a psychiatrist soon if this is a concern for you.

If you are diagnosed, the sooner you receive treatment the better.

Small Disclaimer: I am not trying to diagnose you, I am not a qualified psychiatrist or doctor. I'm merely basing this on my own personal experiences and applying my few years of psychology lessons along with a trusty copy of the latest DSM

>>14 Look again. The DSM-5 was specifically updated with clarification that patients can be aware of their transitions. In addition, it nowhere states that the amnesia related to dissociation must apply to all personalities, merely that it must occur. This is also backed by the explanation they added about the first criteria for circumstances where the patient is feeling dissociation in ways other than amnesia.

Not to mention that nowhere in the DSM-5 does it state that not being able to converse with the identities is a criteria, and it's often an important part of treatment.

OP may or may not fit the third criteria, however (which is that it's not considered a disorder unless it's unwanted and negatively impacting your day to day life). That's just what separates a disorder from having a different mental state than others ofc.

It's possible your professor interpreted it differently, of course. Those in the industry are always arguing over how to interpret the DSM, and DID is particularly controversial, to the point where many professionals refuse to believe it even exists. Trying to find a psychiatrist who recognizes it may be impossible depending on OP's location.

In fact, looking at it now, the DSM-5 even specifically mentions patients experiencing thoughts inside their head from other identities.

Also note that DID takes an average of eight years to receive a diagnosis for, so while getting psychiatric help is important, don't expect treatment for at least a half decade, possibly several. It's a disorder where keeping in touch with a community of other patients is incredibly important to deal with the specific symptoms.

(I'm totally against self-diagnosis, by the way. Life unfortunately doesn't always work how we want it to -- DID is a case of that.)

>>15 Awareness of other personalities is extremely rare however. I agree with your corrections, I certainly made some mistakes in my definitions.

I believe i'm a bit biased, because I find it extremely difficult to believe OP's situation considering i've heard the same story hundreds of times of teenagers claiming they have all these rare disorders and making up stories to match them. My apologies to you and the OP for that

>>17 I understand. I'm also very skeptical when someone young suggests they have an undiagnosed disorder. Hell, middle school was basically a battle of who pretended to be the most mentally fucked up, and not everyone grew out of it unfortunately.

This reminds me of Kill me Heal me...

I was wondering, since you don't give the main personality a name, do you just call yourself "default" most of the time?

Even if this sounds offensive, great idea for a horror/mystery book. With the teaser like autobiography you gave, I WANNA READ MOAR!