I'm constantly looking for a place to belong, which is probably one of the reasons how I stumbled upon this dollars-bbs.org
Its not that I'm a lonely person, in fact, I've got load of friend and I hang out with different group of people. Except, I don't feel like I belong to any of the group I hang out with. Sounds weird, huh?

Its true. I laughed along, I smiled along, and I played along. Somehow I still can't confidently say "Yes, I belong here."
Whenever I'm sad as fck, I don't show it out. I don't tell anyone. Not even to my family, or 'close friends' because I think that no one would wanna know.
They'll just pretend they care while inside they're thinking 'Oh shit, this is annoying. Why'd you have to tell us your problem?'

Maybe I'm just overthinking stuffs, who knows? Maybe there's one or two who really cares? But I still think that way. I mean, everyone has their own problems. Not all of them are so kind to care about yours. It feels like I'm just adding burden to their problems.

To them, I'm a 'hyper person' and 'optimistic' but actually I'm not. I'm not at all.
I hope I'll meet someone who I don't need to hide anything from him/her.

When my ex suddenly broke up with me after 3 years, I survived.
When my brother ran away from home, I survived.
When my family were breaking apart, again, I survived. I'm not sure why. After that, I just kinda feel numb. So numb that I couldn't cry, I couldn't feel anything. This thought kept repeating in my mind: "The heart does not need to feel, it only needs to beat"

Ah, but not to worry. I don't cut my wrist or do anything dumb. Sure, those thoughts crossed my mind, but I guess my mind is stronger than my heart, huh? Thanks for reading my rant anyway.

I like to uphold a diminutive connection with all groups in my class, so I can just barely fit in any conversation if I need to. Out of lack of a person to talk to, I rely on the internet. It serves as perfect escapism, and sure, I'd like to share my thougths with a special someone, but I'll make do with this substitute for now.
Your mind being stronger than your heart, I think that's not completely true. I think your mind is affecting your heart too much. Doubting your relations and not voicing your opinnion, you do that to protect your heart. After all the things you've experienced, you've hardened up and now, it will take quite some work to break that shell. But I think the chances of finding people and making memories that are able to do that are within your reach.

>>2 I agree, the internet is one perfect escapism. The way I talk here compare to IRL (in real life) is way different. Another way I escape from reality is gaming. Sure, everyone says "There's no way you can escape from reality. Its better to face everything upfront" but those are just sweet words.

Your sentence "I think your mind is affecting your heart too much" made me realize its true.
But I can't help it. Its like, I have a lot of people who I can trust in the past, but suddenly they're all strangers to me.
Everyone leaves somehow.

I lost a lot when I moved, but some comrades remained at my side. Not too long ago, I was surprised that one year after leaving the city, we had a conversation and everyone opened up a little bit. We talked about love and our future, something I never expected them to be suited for. I was really surprised.
Even now, I don't call them friends since I can't trust them, but at that moment, I really felt like I belonged there. What I want to say is that, if you continue to approach them and let them approach you, you might experience a change and feel like you can trust them more. It just takes time and maybe a little bit of ambiance. We were hanging around on a playground at 2 a.m., so we were getting kinda sentimental and philosophical after bowling. I had similar experiences when a friend stayed overnight, I guess people tend to show more about themselves at the end of day. Give them time and opportunity, they might blow your doubts away.