This is long... sorry...

The day I was born my father (M) had been put in jail for drugs. My mother was pour and 18. She had little help and tried her best to take care of me. When I was 11 months old she had my brother. That was when things began to change. My mother became a little more stable and my father (M), who was in prison, wrote letters to us once a weak. My mother would read them like bed time stories. When I was 3 she had my sister. It was a sad day. My mother had to get an emergency c-section and my sister was dead. The doctors revived her, it took 7 minutes, and she was my mothers angel. My mom had began dating another man (J). He was young and took care of us. We lived in a trailer then. My father (M) had been let out of prison due to developing pancreatic cancer. We didn't see him much though because mom didn't want us to see him so sick. My littlest brother was born to my moms new boyfriend (J) a month after i turned 6 and later that year my father had died 11 days before christmas. He had still gotten us gifts. My mom had met another man (W) then. They seemed to love eachother. He was nice at first. They had married when I was 8 and that was when he showed his true colors. He abused my mother and first brother. He yelled all the time and drank a lot. A few months though after they had married he molested me. My mother walked in on it and pushed him into a wall. I called the cops when he ran off. My mom nearly died that night but she held my hand. The court gave him 17 years in prison. We soon moved away from that town after a few years. She had met a man (O) who she married. He beat us and installed cameras to watch her. Once they devorced she stayed single. I was suicidle and attempted an over dose on pain killers. I woke up the next morning in tears. I cut and I refused to eat. I had fallen pretty far. She then met yet another man (S). She hid him from us. She got to know him. He was nice and treated us like his own kids. But that didn't help my depression. There were many more suicidle thoughts. We moved houses and my mom married this new man. He is like a dad. He doesn't beat us and he rarely yells. A few months back though I was on the brink of suicide. That was before I met (K). We met on Tumblr. I was following him and he asked if I was ok. He helped me through it that night. (K) and I became friends and even talked on skype. I learned a lot about him and I even began to fall in love with him. He and I talk everyday and he even asked if I would be his (boyfriend/girlfriend). I said yes. We are dating now and everything seems to be going fine, but I can't stop wanting to end it all. I feel sick alk the time now. He helps but I still feel pain. A lot of my past haunts me in nightmares.

Can someone help? Give me advice?

you cant run away from it. I know you've had a hard life, but running from your past is the worst thing you can do. You need closure. Talk to your mom and step dad about this. Maybe even talk to a psychologist. I am aspiring to be one, and if you find the right person they will help you so much. I'm glad that you have someone to talk to though. I know its not the best advice but there is a lot to help with that i wish i could do, but it would be hard to do without actually speaking to you.

Look at the bright side, you actually have the devices to rant on an anime website :D
Think of all those worse off than you. It will make you feel not as shit, maybe.
You a guy or girl? This isn't important, but it makes me feel weird thinking a old man molested an eight year old boy...
Just make sure you don't make any mistakes that you'll regret, and don't break any laws, youngling!

>>2 thank you for the advice.

>>3 I am physically a female. But I classify as genderfluid.

Can't you just forget about the past?

Hey. I just need to tell you something. Suicide may be what you want but to die means to disappear. It's not your pain that will disappear, it's your existence that will.

Also i don't think your family would be happy if you die. Try to forget about the past. If you can't, it's okay. You will maybe stay like this for days, weeks, months, maybe years...but don't forget that one day, someone will be here for you. You won't be alone forever.

i know it's hard to live with the past
talk with your mother. tell how you feel. you will feel better.
do you already met your boyfriend IRL? being close to the one.you love is the best thing to cope with the pain.
sorry if i didn't help. but i hope the.best for you

Great things take time.

Talk about your depression and your nightmares, your mother would be glad if you opened up to her and your friend can certainly support you. Take a look at the facts. You and your family have experienced so many bad things, these may haunt you now, but you are now strong enough to build up a relationship. Quitting now would be unrerasonable, your life is finally taking a turn for the better, and if you can't overcome the past that is haunting you, ask for professional help. Suicide is the last thing you should consider to be an option, your life is not over yet and the future holds limitless potential.

I also have family problems but not as worse as you but i think you should talk to your mom ...Listen.. Maybe until now you have tried suicide and other bad things but it isn't late for you to try again okay? Hey , your life isn't as bad as you think... If you keep living , there will be good things that happen to you ... Maybe until now your life is ruined but ur life is starting to turn out good it's the beginning for your life.... And you know what... Suicide won't fix anything ... Your heart may hurt but... If you have bad things in your life then ... Find more good things ... Find more and gain happiness because.. This world isn't as bad as you think coz there will always be hope in this world as long as you don't give p... So keep on living coz suicide means an end to everything.. As long as u live there is a chance..and it is not late for you to start fixing your life.....

All of you were helpful and kind, thank you.

Update: I sit alone at the moment each day masking my depression and sepf hate with a fake smile. I had asked my mother and her husband (S) for help but the don't. My mother says that what I am feeling will pass and that I don't need to waste time and money on prefessional help, and her husband tells me to listen to my mother. I can not meet my long didtance boyfriend (K) because he lives so far away but he seems to be one of the only people who have ever helped me other then my close friend (R). I don't want to hurt them by harming myself but as long as I am stuck in the cycle of my current nightmares and flashbacks then I may not be able to stay strong. I really want help.

how did you ask them for help?
say that you don't want professional help, just her help
how much distance from your boyfriend? maybe you two can see each other, at least one time. it will make you feel better.
and one more thing. seek for friends who you can talk. get to know some folks. having friends, even online friends, helps a lot

I can only recommend to think logically, honestly, your life right now is beautiful, right? Overcoming the past might be difficult, but it's not worth to give up the present and future. Or do you think those haunting memories make your life not worth living?

>>12 I want professional help. My mother says its a waste of money and I should just talk to her. But that isn't what I want. She never listens, she compairs my life to hers, and she twlls me I am over reacting. My boyfriend lives in Minnesota and I live in Arizona. Lastly it is hard to make friends in the town I'm in or even online. My personal baggage pushes people away pretty fast. I only have one realy life friend.

>>13 I have nightmares about the night I was molested atleast once a week. And dreams on unsure memories every other time that I am aware of. It has gotten so bad that insomia has began to take hold and I have been getting less and less sleep.

>>13 see, forgeting this things is not easy. almost impossible.

>>14 i didn't mean that you shouldn't seek professional help, just said to you try to talk to your mother. but, you already did it, and looks like it didn't help
i don't live on USA, so i don't know how far you are from your boyfriend, but still, a trip coudn't be that bad.
but as for friends, just keep on trying. there MUST be someone that will like to hang with you. how about that ONE friend that you have? he could try and help you

In no way am I making light of this situation, but you sound very much like Ahnri Sonohara. You cant run from your past, you have to learn to accept it because it has made you who you are. If you like who you are great, build your self confidence, but if you dont, then work to be who you want to be. Self improvement, self confidence is the only way to beat your insecurities. Again like Ahnri, it seems you dont have many friends, but that's ok. The friends you do have should support you and help you. I personally have learned a lot from anime, I suggest you go back through Durara and really focus on Anhri and how she built her self confidence. Maybe that will help.

>>15 Never told her to forget, but to overcome it.

First of all, talk to them again. Be serious, show them your scars (mental ones, but I guess if you already harmed yourself, show them those as well) I really think you need to show how bad it is. If your guardians tell you that it's nothing to worry about, show them all the reasons why you would worry. When you have a nightmare and can't sleep, tell them, if they refuse to believe your words, drop the mask and cry or shout or do whatever you feel like. Throw a tantrum, have a breakdown. This sounds really drastic, but it should persuade your parents.

I am actually not too sure about this one since it can lead to complications, but an acquaintance of mine also had to escalate before receiving professional help, and now she's better. I'm just saying that letting it out is better than holding it in.

Sollie.

I just want to drop my two cents into the box you put out in front of the community.

I feel like doing some inspirational quotes to keep you going, but that's not going to happen. They may help, but they don't enlighten. I can't tell you to get professional help either, because it seems you lack the ability to. I can't tell you to 'just get over it' because depression isn't too simple as that-- no it's much more.

But what I /am/ going to tell you is that you are the source of any salvation you want to achieve. Nightmares will haunt you, your memories may eventually destroy you via a traumatic disorder, but that can be stopped. Release emotions and know who you are. Wear the mask if you want to, but don't trick yourself into thinking that you belong way lower than the level you actually belong to. Crying is good, but don't cry too much. Shouting and yelling is good, but don't do it too much. Moderation is key in keeping your real emotions in check. It's okay to cry, shout, or rant once in a while to relieve you of some stress. Don't forget about being genuinely happy as well. Anything you love to do, do it. Even if it means going against someone, because even the smallest moments where you are happy can help you on your way to overcoming a really tough obstacle.

Though I say this, it's really up to you, Sollie, to improve your situation, in your way or another's.

Thank you all for the advice.

Update: My mother and (S) are still not listening to what my problem really is. I told them then I was having nightmares and that I wanted to go see a professional. My mother just tells me that is is normal and she has them (as always she compares myself to her. It makes me angry because what heppened to me isn't what happened to her). And her husband (S) says if I want to seek professional help then I should first talk to my mother and the I would have to do everythimg else on myown. This causes a stand still. I can't talk to my mother much. She doesn't listen to me. Since I am the oldest I was expected to grow up faster, but I grew up to fast. I don't remember many times I was able to be a child when I was younger. I sit alone in my room a lot drawing my feelings but I only break down after. My friend (R)'s mother doesn't like me due to my pessimistic view on things and doesn't want it effecting her daughter. My boyfriend (K) helps calm my axiety but its not as effective because we arnt face to face. I can't visit him without a plane ticket and money. The downward slope I was facing isn't as steep as it was but its still difficult to find help.

Can't you go ask for it yourself? Like, making an appointment with a psychologist? I am actually not too well informed about that, but it seems like the best option to me...

>>20 the problem is I can't pay for it on my own

yeah, >>20 shin is right. find a psychologist on your own. if you don't have money, find a half time job or something
some schools have a psychologist or something like that, btw

>>22 One of my friends... uhm, acquaintances just ran out of money for therapy, and they think they now have to face the issue alone. Personally, I don't think very highly of psychologists, since they couldn't help me when I was feeling down, and it felt more like all they did was listening, but since it shows results, I think of them as a last resort.

>>21 Okay at this point, I think that putting up much more of a fight seems pointless... You should try and believe your mother, that these horrible things will fade away in time once they're replaced with new experiences. Maybe think of it as the spurt before the finish line? Do you think you can pull through?

>>23 I am afraid I can't pull through this. Today it seemed as if the smallest things began to trigger memories. Its just stressful and my anxiety begins to kick in. I fear looking upset in public, I fear being in crowds. Its difficult for me to even get through the job I have with the little pay I get. I have to pay for all my school classes already and its even worse in school. I don't like crying in front of people.

Update: I have been trying to get at least seven hours of sleep but still wake up from nightmares. They seem to accure more frequent. Ihave been waking up at 6am and walking to band camp.that lasts from 7am-4pm with an hout and thirty minute break in between. That has been today and yesterday and will be Monday through Friday . I'm tired ant the heat had made it a little harder to stay possitive. All and all the night mares seem to be getting worse and the memories pop up when I am doing things and I break down.

>>23 well, i do agree that psychologists are a last resort, but i kinda look highly of them. I couldn't be the person who i am without the psychologist i had 4 years ago. It was one of the best years of my life. But again, i didn't had a problem that big.

And sollie, as someone above said, make a scene of it with your mother. I think it would do some good.

>>24 This is just a little suggestion, but I think something like that might be the right course of action. Some activity, or, time for yourself to sort out your thoughts. I don't know if your nightmares kick in during daydreaming, but try relaxing, or maybe even meditating, for a while everyday. You sound like you have a tight schedule and that might prove to be difficult, but I think taking an hour or so of your time to look up at the sky, watch the sunset or whatever calms you might bring some good results.

>>26 thank you. My schedual has become hectic and it is rare that I get time alone. I mean since last Thursday I haven't had much time to do anything but work. I haven't focused on myself or relaxed. I have had many anxiety attacks but I have been unable to do anything about it. I don't know if not thinking about my problem and ignoring it is at all good, but I have noticed that I am more and more tired each passing hour, I am getting ore mood swings. I have even lashed out at my commanding drum major. I have placed stress on myself and I am not getting closet to my whole goal, infact I am falling back. If I could relax I would. But I don't know when that would be possible. I mean today was slower but anxiety was high due to waking up early from a nightmare and with a headache. The advice everyone is providing helps but it hasn't moved me closer to my goal very much.

I'm at my wits end. All I can tell you is that better times will certainly come, your schedule will be more reasonable once the things pressuring you subside. As said, time is what you need, not only time for yourself, but time in general. Keep it together, it's better to see things through to their end than taking some easy way out. For now, maybe some light medication for lack of sleep or stress can help out.

>>28 that may help.

I have meen more emotional. But I quit the band so stress has lowered quite a bit. I have not gotten much sleep in the past fwe days and only had a max of two hours last night. I have cried lot and my step dad (S) is calling me weak and a drama queen. I haven done anything related to drama and he needs to be socked in the face. Whatever just ranting. This thread is actually helping a lot.

Well, I can't say I know how you feel. But I know that the future has a lot for you. You're still young, and the only thing that can ruin the good times to come is your past and how it will make you do bad things. All the bad things that happened to you, are all in the past. Your new boyfriend, your step-father, they seem to really like you. Don't make them sad, don't make your mother and siblings sad. You can live through it all, safe and sound. Be strong and brave, and keep going until the end!

>>29 Don't mind that, you have your reasons. Also, of course you're acting dramatically, you're caught up in quite the frustrating dilemma. Tell him that, since no one reaches out to you, they don't have the right to complain about your situation, it's partly their fault after all.
Or you could behave yourself and be a good kid, if you can do that, it's probably better for your family and worse for you. I might say this only because I'm getting annoyed by your parents, despite understanding their financial situation. But from my point of view, you are free to do whatever helps you to vent off steam.

Hi Sollie,

I know this is going to sound insane to you, but you got to accept yourself. Just like your favorite character. Understand the past, the struggles. Accept yourself and continue to fight.

You had a very hard past, but I think you are very lucky to stay with us here ^^. You have someone close, you have a family that loves you. I strongly believe that in time, nightmares will parrish and they will only be a distant memory.
I am an grown-up, and I assure you that the pain and struggle you feel right now will one day be a distant memory.

I have never had such an experience, but I had a few friends who did. And they are all so much better now.

Suiciding is not an option. Just think how hurt your family and boyfriend/girlfriend will be. Do you want to see them broken?

Just hang on in there and in few months, it will be so much better.

Hugs and kisses,
Minus

You want to end everything even after you found someone that care for you qnd he did the exactly same thing back to you? You need to go to learn the pwin of loeing something, i tell ya it was a really horrible felling and if you decide to end yourself then i say you were one of the biggest jerk and didn't consider other party felling.

Kill yourself that will be the end of your life, of course ya knew that right? But if you do so not only your life end.

Even if it was in different from, other people around you will have their life 'end'.

Try to understand this please and consider this was not an advice but a lecture from a jobless guy in the middle of his twenties.

I spent some time talking with my best friend (R} and my boyfriend (K). (R) says that my pain will pas and they will do all they can to help me out. They are like a big sister that I never had. They are super nice and I haven had time with them for a long while. (K) and I talked about my problems and out relationship. He told me that no matter what that I aj strong and he believes in me. But I don't believe in myself. I don't want to die I just want to get better, but in trying it seems to be more tears for me.

At least you're not suicidal, that proves you have the spirit to fight on.
Think about it like this, don't just live for yourself, but also for others. Egoism is fine, you should view it like that: Because you are alive, people you love can be happy. They want you to stay with them and to keep on struggling, they'll assist you if they can. That's something incredibly precious which is worth fighting for.