So i don't know enough about myself to be confident in anyway.
I can't tell people who know me anything its like all the words that could be meaningful or interesting just are blocked off and run away.
Last Saturday I only half drunkenly gave a guy i know to be an idiot and a person who uses girls, a partial friend had a kind of relationship with him and she regrets it, a blow job hand job yeah and i feel like a fucking slut. Thing is i don't know if i even fully regret this as in doing so i felt a weird kind of want, even impersonal and cold as fuck as i knew it was i felt like a person liked me even if just for what they could use me for. A warped self satisfaction.
I don't know what to do or how i should feel part of me wants to go out there and be a slut. Another thinks I'm an idiot, weak willed and needy. I hate both parts.
Any advice or comments are more than welcome as i frequently hate my 'friends' or just feel plain empty when I'm around them.

>>1 It was a bit difficult understanding the situation... Is English not your native tongue?

Umm... You fucked up basically, but everyone does that. Did you only give a blow? If so then at least you don't need the pill. Also, another upside, you werent raped and whether you think of it this way or not, the fact that you remember what happened is also good. It's now a lesson so that you'll hopefully be more careful.

Now if you enjoyed giving a blow, that's also technically okay. If there can be playboys, why not playgirls? Be careful though and always be sure you're in control, and I think it's fine.

unlike >>2 I understand what you are saying. Honestly you need a fresh start and a good guy to date. I have dated many girls who weren't self confident. Many of them actually came after me (although I'm not completely sure why)when they barely knew me. What you need is a good guy, or even a good friend in your life that will understand you and push you to be a better you.

I agree with >>3

Also don't be a slut pls...I'm sure you're better than that. I get what >>2 is saying about being a playgirl or whatever, but honestly that's not right. imo it looks really bad when a girl does that.

Ugh, idk, I think you should listen to the part of you that's saying your "an idiot, weak willed and needy" and try to improve on that. That way you won't feel like that anymore.

you said "half drunkenly" so umm, I doubt you will stop drinking (because tbh you shouldn't be doing that in the first place, but I guess that's your choice), but at least try to moderate your drinking. I feel like if you hadn't been doing that in the first place, all of that wouldn't have occurred. Just my opinion, I don't know if you had friends with you or not...but if you did, they're assholes for not stopping you or something.

Ugh, sorry this probs didn't help much. Hopefully you figure things out.

thanks for the replies guys and yes >>3 I'd really like a relationship e.c.t. but am pretty blank on where to even begin with that one
>>2 surprisingly yes english is my first language but I've always found talking, especially about myself confusing, word aren't my thing basically
>>4 my friends were there and didn't really know what to do... they're nice people but i feel that at the moment i can't talk to them about my motives and that they just don't really care...

>>5 But weren't you saying part of you liked giving the blow/hand job? Guys that's not slutty. That's a normal sexual appetite. That's why I was saying it's okay.

heeey there
first of all, why exactly are you felling bad? think about it. it's what you done? or with who you done?
you are not self confident, i can see it. it's normal to seek this feeling of "liked". if you want to be liked, you can get attention in other ways. i'm not calling you an "att-whore" or something. but that feeling can come from other things.
and there is no problem to seek something like a "sex friend". but don't pick an asshole like that one. search for someone honest and cool. don't go with someone that treats you like a bitch. trust me, you will feel much better doing it with someone that want to give you as much pleasure as you want to give to him
yeah, boyfriend would be better. someone that like you for other things, not just sex. you said that you would like a relationship. if you want some help or hints with that, i'm sure we can help.
one last thing. i can somewhat relate. my girlfriend was somewhat like you. she seeked someone who would like her for her body, cause she wasn't self confident. and she begin to be a lot happier with me, because i didn't liked her only because her body. so i know how you feel.

heeey there
first of all, why exactly are you felling bad? think about it. it's what you done? or with who you done?
you are not self confident, i can see it. it's normal to seek this feeling of "liked". if you want to be liked, you can get attention in other ways. i'm not calling you an "att-whore" or something. but that feeling can come from other things.
and there is no problem to seek something like a "sex friend". but don't pick an asshole like that one. search for someone honest and cool. don't go with someone that treats you like a bitch. trust me, you will feel much better doing it with someone that want to give you as much pleasure as you want to give to him
yeah, boyfriend would be better. someone that like you for other things, not just sex. you said that you would like a relationship. if you want some help or hints with that, i'm sure we can help.
one last thing. i can somewhat relate. my girlfriend was somewhat like you. she seeked someone who would like her for her body, cause she wasn't self confident. and she begin to be a lot happier with me, because i didn't liked her only because her body. so i know how you feel.

>>7 thx for understanding and yes even somebody like that would be great but I've never had a real relationship... Or even a person I talk to openly apart from my therapist, yes I have a mental health issue but am now 'recovered'
The thing I struggle with is finding new people, any people, and maintaining a connection I hate text messaging as it's a way of recording every thing you say and instantly adds awkwardness and makes me even more withdrawn. I don't know what to do and more depressingly don't feel I can do anything..

As a shut-in, I can't really give advice on how to make connections. But I at least understand a thing or two about sexual interest.
I myself decided, after my first experiences, that I want to keep sexual interaction for me and my (well uhm... not-yet-existing) partner. However, I completely understood the temptation of doing it. And I think that's fine, if you find a person with mutual interests, the two of you can enjoy it. Yes, I know that friends with benefits never end well, but it will at least give you the opportunity to explore your desires. Afterwards, you can always decide to stop it if you feel like it, it's only natural to seek for sex, you don't have to follow the illusion of it being something that's solely allowed for a couple in a romantic relationship, nor should you consider it to be perverted or twisted.
Ask yourself whether you want to keep those experiences for a special someone in the possibly far away future or if you want to enjoy it as a way of entertainment.

This won't help but......fuck you

it's not that hard to get on a relationship. it may look like, but it's not.
there is always people that is like you, that like the same things as you, and want someone as much as you.
you don't feel like you can do it? it's normal. just trt your best. someone sill see how much you care, and will care for you.
oh, and as Shin-chan said, you can always do sex just for pleasure. no prob with that. just choose someone that is not an asshole, that will make you feel good

Hey, Anon
Its kinda funny that someone questioned if english was your first language or not because I understood you perfectly. Its just your way of phrasing is strange. Luckily mine is too. Honestly I dont think you need to put so much emphassis on what happened with that guy. If you know he is an asshole and dont want him then move on and pick someone else you dont have to keep beating your self up over what happened. You did it its over your can move on. Easier said than done i understand. For the tempted to go be a slut bit...please dont call your self a slut, honestly if you enjoy having sexual interactions then go for it just make sure your protected. while i know the technical definition of slut is woman with many sexual partners when people use it for themselves or for others its used in a very negative way almost condoning becauyse someone elses sexual preferences or frequency isnt the same as their own. So if you call yourself that it gives other permission to too. If you want to have sex just for pleasure then go ahead. Just because someone is male female or any other gender doesnt mean they can or cant do certain things so if someone says only guys can have multiple casual partners or have sex for fun and condones you because of it then their wrong and you just have to ignore them and move on ( again easier said than done). On that note dont force yourself if you dont want to you dont have to. dont feel like because you did it once you have to continue. This applies to now and if you decide you dont want to continue casual sex after you have had many more partners. dont let social stigma and others decide when you feel comfortable for something just do whatever makes you comfortable and happy.
On a completely different note the " i frequently hate my 'friends' or just feel plain empty when I'm around them."
This, this is a sad thing. Ive been through this when you have "friends" but really their simply other that you act around so that they like you so you can fufil your own self satisfaction. Having experienced one this myself for a long time let me tell you this. It doesnt make you any less lonely. That empty feeling of just being numb unless you do something about it and reach out to someone and be real with at least one person. ( for the third time this reply easier said than done) Then it only gets worse and worse until you cant bear it anymore. I really hope the dollars can help you in anyway or that you get a real friend or just someone to hold on to because from someone who has been down that path let me tell you it doesn't end and you never find yourself wanting to be there. on that happy note It can get better. and I hope this made you feel even a little bit less alone and wish you the best
-Kuronaii~☆