As the title may explain I don't realy know how to put this into words because I don't know what it is or were to start. This may just be phase I am going through (hopefully).

so lets start from here I was in a big group of friends and I was the one who was shy and would be easily left out or behind in topics or social gatherings, but I didn't mind because I still had 3 friends that would try to include me.

However onces we left school majority of the group went to the same colleges (so they saw each other daily) but I decided to go to a different college to get onto the course that I liked. As you can tell this is going to be pretty obvious were this is going. I slowly was getting kicked out of the group or even losing contact with them until a couple months when I lost all contact with them (even the ones that I have known for 13 years). although this happened I didn't feel emotional just let down...

I then began to slowly push away my loved ones such as my family until I shut myself up into my bedroom and only leaving the house to go to college. When ever I am around people in public I just put on a mask and act happy just like how all the other iconic teenagers should act. However I barely even feel emotions any more (I just feel like a doll). I am now at the point where I just don't see the point anymore.

This may seem a bit of topic but the only time I actually feel anything or I don't feel cold inside is when I am in my bedroom, alone watching anime.

I think in the end I knew it would end up like this. I am just another person riddled with regrets.

I don't know if you read this all but thanks if you did, and have a nice day.

The Hermit

I read it

So didn't you try to socialize in your new college? I could understand that, keeping old friends is easier than making new ones, but you should at least make an attempt to connect with them. Finding new groups and interests can easily change your whole world.
That was the thing I am supposed to say, but now, I'll be speaking from my personal point of view. I have this problem with the real world that I consider it to be awfully lackluster and hypocritical. I am talking from the perspective of a spoilt european teenager, but I can say that the ideals and romanticism I strive for can only be found in fictional content. That's why I don't think escapism is wrong, but tragic instead. I have already given up on this world... for the most part that is.
I still want to see many places around the globe, but most of all, I wish to find a person to call a friend, or even a lover. Being antisocial makes that quite unlikely, but I still hope for it.
Still, as it currently is, I find pleasure in anime, manga, games and sometimes literature or drawing, even writing from time too time. All those things provide pleasure for me that reality can't keep up with. For me, it is an unshakeable truth that reality can't keep up with fiction.
So long story short: I think it's fine to dwell in fictional worlds as long as you want to, but don't give up on that little amount of hope for reality that you might have left, who knows, it just might surprise you.

>>3 I have cmade new friends within college, but they have just began, which I hope will sproute into a good friendship. However at the moment I don't have a big bond between them as I did with the others. Although that being said it does seem like we have the same opinions on this topic and seems like you sum'd it up pretty well. Thanks for cheering me up and reading it at most. I hope that you are okay as well, and you could also use your own advice to help your situation out as well.

Hang in there The Hermit and allow an older fool to share a story.

I don't know what you're going through, I never shared the same experiences and hold different values. I lead a what some viewed an ideal life, though it's quite opposite. I grew up an outcast, I was always picked on, always the target for a fight. Bigger & stronger than other kids it was a contest to them to see who could finally beat me in a fight. Naturally because of this everyone was terrified of me and I grew up hating the world. I wasn't what people called emo though. By the time middle school rolled around kids started to respect me little by little, even though I fought daily. In all my fights I never truly hurt the other person, I won my fights by humiliation. By high school I was famous, everyone fully respected me, everyone considered me a friend. I joined sports and clubs and all sorts of social shit. There wasn't a single group I couldn't hang out with, even the people who fought me all those years considered me a friend. I never outgrew my feelings though, the loathing and the disgust I felt towards other people. I realized though at a young age that I couldn't go through life with these feelings so I created a new persona. With a new mask I could smile and laugh with other people despite not having proper emotions to go with it. This is why people consider my life good, they saw I was popular, actively in sports and clubs, and all around friendly person to be with. In reality I felt like I was robbed of my childhood because of these people.

Story doesn't really stop there though. I graduated just like you and all those people vanished from my life. You really learn who your true friends are when college starts. I was left with nothing but my self loathing and spite. Naturally the whole suicide thing crosses minds of those in at the low point in their lives. I didn't like the idea growing up nor did I like it then. However, I came down with cancer at the age of 20. With everyone but myself worried about my life I had to come to the understanding of what things meant to me. I didn't exactly care if I died to cancer but in a way I also didn't want that to be it. To cut out a lot of bullshit I found my answers. Now I simply live with my emotionless self, but try to be open. My answers lead me to a life of explorations and learning. Never say no and always push forward to do the most I can. Now I have people who say they're inspired by me and I have people I can actually call friends. I don't know how it came to be but it all fell into place.

What are your values The Hermit? You have a lot of life ahead of you. You want meaningful friendships but don't seem to have a goal. It's ok to be emotionless, as long as you're also not closed to the world. Find what you want in life and go for it, because when you do you'll find the friendship you desire will appear before you. After all, it's easier to make lasting relations with people that share the same interests as you than it is finding random people. It's cheesey I know, but people take note of those who are always looking down instead of looking forward. A minor personality check can go a long way. Plus once you understand what it is you want to do in life, not necessarily career wise, you can use that to help find better people to hang with. Be it clubs or little gatherings. It's the internet age after all! Things never been so easy! Let your past be over and start living for your future.

I was feeling the same before. I had few friends who showed me that I couldn't rely on them, everything was pulling me down, I was feeling emotionless, empty and antisocial. I didn't know why do I even live and slowly I couldn't make difference between happiness or sadness, everything was black and white for me, I had nobody to rely on.

Then I realized I cared too much.

And that's how things got better for me. It didn't disturb me anymore that I had no real friends, because I was feeling better alone, I found new hobbies and I promised to myself to show anyone that I feel better without them and I concentrated on the things I love to do, I developed my skills on a whole new level and I'm happy with that, because I showed my precious friends that as I meant nothing to them, I could go on without them. And now here I am, having my goals and dreams, not relying on others, able to do almost everything alone without the help of nobody. It somehow helped me to develop as a person, and I feel like a whole new one, alone but happy.

Find something that you like to do. No matter what. And don't care that much. I don't think happiness is always hiding in the others and show your old friends that they made a huge mistake leaving you behind. Don't give up. There is a rainbow after the storm :)

Thanks for all the comments they have help me realise what I should do next (in a little way).
>>5 >>6 I hope the way you are choosing how to live your life helps you to succeed towards your own happiness.

I went through something very similar, what I did after locking myself away for months was to treat myself and go out somewhere then I met a couple of people and before long I had people to talk to and the pain of the loneliness went away. So my advice, try meaning some new people to chat to I may help you.