Hello,

Using an anonymous name here. It's something I've never told anyone before.

Since I was sixteen, I experienced suicidal thoughts. It's not every day. It's not an experience that constantly eats away at me like one would imagine. They're just... there. When things get hard. When I fuck up. When it seems like everything around me is failing.

Really, it's nothing knew. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.

The thing is, there's one question that people have asked that's I've always lied about in these situations. When you go to a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, whatever, they ask you one question that I've always lied about.

Have you ever experienced suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self harm?

You see, as a minor if they think you're a danger to yourself or others, they are required by law to tell your parents, and as an adult, they're required to tell the police.

Now I'm an adult. In the real world, a functioning adult, sort of. It's not like these thoughts come all of the time. Maybe, once a month? It's kind of hard to say too, because afterwards, I don't really remember why. What it was about. It's easy to play something down when you don't remember why.

The thing is, there's nothing wrong with my life. I can't come out and admit to it because all I can think is "Why me? What's so wrong with my life that makes me this way? Nothing."

I feel like a disgrace to those that have had a hard time. I've known people who had these thoughts and they had a reason to be upset. Me? Nothing. Not a damned thing.

I've managed to deal with this for years and not do a thing. I haven't hurt myself (though I've gotten far too close to it). When I'm not experiencing it, it feels like I can deal. Manage it.

But when I am experience it, I want help. No, I need help. I need so many things. To know why. Support. Someone to tell me that they care and for me to actually believe them.

Which is the other thing. I can't believe the people in my life that they care. I want to. Really, I do, but I can't.

I'm not looking for advice. I don't want someone telling me how you deal with it, or what I should do.

All I want to know is, if someone that you knew was dealing with this, a close friend or family member, would you want them to tell you?

My biggest problem, is that I feel as if my problems are all first world problems. I don't think that I could ever come out ans say what's wrong because I have a family that loves me. A roof over my head. Nice things. Friends that care. Food. Water. It really feels that the problems I have are something I can fix, but what I need to fix is the part that's inside me that just feels like everything's wrong in my life.

Just live through life like normal, I mean you haven't had any problems as of late. If things really get worse, and you really harm yourself, you doctor will know, then you will get treatment. Things are fine with you right now, live a happy life.

First off I was constantly depressed in the past and I had no idea why. For the longest time I coasted being eaten away at that unknown depression. I lied when my mom took me to a therapist. I said I never thought about suicide and that I never inflicted harm upon myself. But after years of writing I found out a lot more about myself, which in turn made me discover what it was eating away at me. But since you don't want any advice I will go on to the question asked.

The only person I would be willing to tell is a really close friend, and I don't consider being too close with my family. Also if you have a person who wouldn't laugh at you, or demean you then I would say go for it. Many things I only could find out about myself by talking to others. What's the risk in doing so?

I am terrible at helping another through said problems, since I don't prick and prod them. I just listen and don't have much to say. People trying to cheer me up pissed me off when I was down, so I don't do that. But if I have a slight chance of helping them then I would like to be told what's eating away at them.

There's nothing wrong with having these kinds of thoughts or feelings. The fact of the matter is that if someone made of their mind and was going to go through with suicide, there's a very little chance you could stop them, because they're going to do it and they're only going to post about it once it's already to late.

I've had three friends who successfully committed suicide.
The method of movement is always the same.
You will never be-able to see it coming even the day before it happens.

Well my answer is yes. Let me tell you you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand. I currently only have 1 person I consider a true friend and if he was going through something like that and wouldn't tell me I would feel guilty and depressed for the rest of my life.