>>2 Ditto, dude. Don't end your life
>>1. I'll start with that plea; the stressful nature of your surroundings will eventually melt away into the past once you find an opportunity to forge ahead into new opportunities as life progresses, and there will be people who would miss you, and it would be an absolute waste of all the potential you have to be who you are and live your life the way you want to once you overcome your inhibitions.
Now, I can somewhat relate to how you feel. My experience isn't really completely comparable to yours, but I still felt the pain of breakup and to a small extent, perhaps a certain vindictiveness in the corner of my heart thought I was used. My relationship with her was...it was great for the first few months, but it became increasingly toxic over time. There was plenty of decadence in our interactions with each other that degraded our character and made our lives overcomplicated with fighting and misunderstanding. I hated it, and I always wanted to fix it. I tried ridiculously hard to fix something that, evidently, couldn't be fixed. Not because it wasn't possible, but because she didn't want to. And she made that fact very clear when she left me, a verdict passed officially through a text message on my own phone, which, for a short while, left me in absolute hysterical shambles. I hated the way I was then too; I was destroyed. I didn't feel exactly the same as you did at 2 AM, but I did feel complete apathy for everything compounded with an all-encompassing vice of sadness around my heart and I was choking under the pressure.
My experience, there it is; I tell you this because I want to tell you how I turned out. Which is to say, perfectly fine. It's hard, it's nearly impossible to imagine a time when you won't be choked with sadness for awhile, and it looks like everywhere you look the gloom of your misfortune looms on the horizon, ready to hunt you down and slather you in depression, and for a time it'll feel awful, but time will make the wounds heal a bit, and so your perspective will grow out of the hole it finds itself in. It gets better; there are good people out there, there are people waiting to meet you, unbeknownst to them, people waiting to fall in love with you as a friend, as family, as a romantic partner; don't rob yourself of the hope for that, don't deny yourself the opportunities you still have because of one guy that treated you awfully. He'll go away, and live his life, and potentially never know what an awful mistake he made, you know? He'll have to live with that. The harrowing experience, however, will make you stronger. You'll eventually come to look back on it, I think, as I do, and find that, while painful and preferably non-existent, it has helped shape your perspective in approaching future romantic entanglements and just interacting with others in general.
I hate being depressed too, but I'm here for you,
>>2 is too; you aren't alone, it happens and it will happen. You say you haven't accomplished anything or have any motivation; I understand how that feels, but I would like to say that perhaps a shift in perspective can remedy that. Take what you like to do or what you enjoy, and indulge in that; fulfill your responsibilities regarding work or academics, and take it in moderation and do what you can to fulfill those responsibilities without overdoing it and stressing yourself out, and indulge in the things you enjoy, lose yourself in your passions and harvest the energy and joy you get from living and doing to help yourself move past the pain. You'll get to go elsewhere eventually if you keep moving forward in the way you want to, and you've already had the opportunity to meet new people here ;)
Look, I hope you feel better soon, I know it's a long and rocky road that feels like a trip in solitude, but you'll come to realize there're people helping you along the way and if you brace yourself against the people that trust and believe in you, those you trust and believe in, or recognize other people who could become those people, you'll find it to become much easier. Rest easy and have a nice night, I hope you feel better soon, eh?
