I'm afraid so i push everyone away. I'm afraid of who i really am. I'm a thief and all i ever do is steal, blame and destroy. I, ayukine, am a disgrace to the world. I have destroyed every bond i have ever created and lost the people i loved the most to the darkness of depression. Why couldnt it be me? I'm selfish and spoilt and i'm sorry i wasnt what my parents wanted, but i dont like to live up to peoples expectations, its just not like me. I dont know if i'm human but i dont feel like it. This probably doesnt make sense, but i'm known to be confusing. Thats JTK for you.

do not be afraid. why don't you try to accept yourself? it might take some time...

if you don't like who you really are then just change yourself. don't think, due to my phrasing, that i don't think it would be difficult. i just think it's sometimes worth it.

if you don't want to change though, and you're more scared of peoples' reactions than of yourself, then you certainly don't have to. the fact that you're even admitting all of this seems more like something to be proud of than to fear.

Sometimes i am proud but sometimes i'm afraid, that maybe i'll snap and lose control or even lose what i have left of my humanity. I'm scared that maybe these thoughts of seriously hurting someone wont just be thoughts anymore

You need to trust yourself. There's plenty of stuff that I think, but that I would never ever do. I know this may seem counterintuitive, but it may help to try and exaggerate the thoughts you're scared of. Exaggerate them to the point of them no longer being within your level of physical capability. You also need to trust the people around you to not let you hurt anyone and to forgive you if you lose control. Even if you don't rely on them for anything else, just trust them here. They'll let you know if something goes wrong regardless of their affiliation with you.

I cant trust anyone