I've already been diagnosed with a plethora of medical problems and I've lost all of my "friends" to stress of high school life. To be fair, I haven't been to school in a couple of years. I went from a straight-A, star student to... now. I've given up on most of my dreams and don't really want to burden anyone now. I'm lonely, a massive pain due to medical issues piling up, and logically, there's really no reason for me to be around. I'm not suicidal, I've still got some common sense, but I don't know what to do. I'm wasting money and wasting away. My siblings all have bright futures that I don't want to ruin by taking my parents attention more than I already have. Neither really know how to deal with sadness, they still stand awkwardly around then ask if I've done my makeup work. Life... well. You don't have to tell me "It'll get better" or whatever. I've heard it. Doesn't fucking help. I've been stuck this way for years. Time ain't solving it.

During panic attacks, for going outside and potentially meeting the people at school who abandoned me, my parents again would be clueless, leaving the room to give me space while I freak out and eventually faint. I'm not a touchy feely person, but even I'd like some comfort of sorts during such events. As you can see, no help from mom and pop there.

Sometimes life is the jaws that clamp shut over our predispositions and inclinations. On top of that is society, constantly putting pressure on, well, everybody for one reason or another, a byproduct of said pressure being education.

Now, don't get me wrong. I appreciate the establishment of an educational system, so long as it's goals to promote the growth and development of people hold at least mostly viable and true; but it isn't the only way to judge somebody's worth either. Life stretches out before us, a finite, sandy desert that holds secrets to be discovered at the leisure and pace of each of ourselves individually. We all witness it differently but we also witness the same things simultaneously, and the fabric of our existential plight is in and of itself a bit of a paradox because of the relative and perspective nature of experiencing life and the condition of being a human.

What I'm trying to get across with that is your reason to be around lies in both you and the people that care about you. Your potential is only as limited as the bounds of the universe are limited by heat death and the victory of entropy; and even then, within ourselves we can evoke the sense of overcoming that too in the grandeur of our self-perception. But you have a future. You just don't know what it holds because, admittedly, with society the way it is, a future not tied together by the certainties provided by education's deliverance of knowledge and integration with society, the future is a wild untamed beast one may not be so privy to. But that doesn't limit you when you look around at the other options that exist independent of education. Anything that interests you or arouses your curiosity, pursue it; it's never too late until you're dead, but then, it won't matter because the mysteries of mortality unfold at that point to those who cannot speak of it to us, the living. Life is exciting, to me, life is variable, life is worth living, and none of that sentiment is derived from the consistency and A-student life you once had. Find new value, find a new drive to what you want to do; you can do whatever you want within your capacity, or at least pursue it, and the doors cascade onward beyond our perception to the infinite potential of the future. I'm sorry your parents haven't exactly been the most supportive, and it seems sometimes that some parents get lost, so maybe you might try talking to them about it sometime, if that would help.

I hope your medical state brightens as soon as possible, and I hope something I've said has affected you positively; nobody deserves to feel the burden of being a burden, and nobody should have to be lonely. If you want a friend or somebody to talk to or somebody to yell at even for making silly puns I'd be more than happy to oblige. I wish you the best~

You know, when I posted, I'd automatically assumed that this would get lost in the sea of people crying for help on this bbs. Never would I have imagined that someone would have had the capacity to inspire hope through well thought out words or even paid the slightest attention to a regular teenage angst session. As such, your response has both surprised and overwhelmed me.

I've always focused on being a scientist, get the best grade, be perfect, etc. in order to provide an income and lived a stable life such as an ordinary person would to not burden my parents, who have given me everything. But you made a point, I shouldn't just give in to the structured foundations of society to ultimately reach my goal. I'm sure being lost isn't too bad after all. Perhaps a pipe dream shouldn't just be a dream.

The simple fact that someone out there cared enough to write a thoughtful and (knowing the internet) literate response I... I guess I just haven't had someone focused on purely me like that in a long long time, to quote my hubris. It's nice to have no expectations to live up and ultimately fail at.

As for my parents, I know they mean the best - I probably made them out to be worse than they are. They have my younger siblings and college funds to take care of, and I can hardly fault them for any of it. At least it has led up to my affinity with the internet for an enlightening source of information.

While I’m not exactly relenting on the term friend, it seems more a derogatory give-and-take relationship to me, it would be nice to have a pen pal of sorts; after all, I’m pretty much doing jack shit at the moment. You’ve most definitely inspired and awed me. Your words may not have cured me or solved every problem I have like voodoo, but there’s nothing in the world that could explain how much the fact that you gave a single fuck about me, without expectation and without even knowing how much of an asshole I am, has made me feel. Pursuit of my own happiness isn’t something I’ve contemplated much, usually I’m too busy trying to make up my shortcomings to others, and you’ve helped me see that. Thank you. Thank you. Thankyou.

You're welcome~ ^_^ I'm glad that I could help, honestly; it's hard to convey those ideas sometimes, after all.

I agree that people don't seem to view friendship the same way as it should be; many people have shallow connotations for the word friend, and it only holds up in public or around people when such superficial connections are satisfactory for the conduction of business, for instance. But it isn't enough to support a person, shallow connections. That's why I value the good friends I do have and I try to at least give people the opportunity to develop a meaningful connection of some kind when I come across anybody who might be subject to wallowing in a sea of shallow people, you know? Meaningful relationships with other people, well...love, basically. Love isn't just referential of romantic love, as the Greeks even had four words for love: Agape, brotherly or benevolent love, like God's love for us all in the context of Christianity for instance or just the love of altruism; Eros is a little vague and refers to intimate love with another and perhaps the appreciation of beauty; Philia is love between equals, the kind of love I was talking about that you'd have between true friends and family, consisting of love and loyalty, and that, in my opinion, will be present in a successful romantic relationship as well; and there's storge, which is apparently used to refer to natural affection for those you are related to or just putting up with things in general, like loving oppression or something like that (correct me if I'm wrong on any of that, my knowledge of each word was dubious and I used the internet as an aid :P). My point in saying all of that is to clarify the variable nature of love and how love in general is a necessary component, I believe, to living. Keep in mind that love may also apply to things you like to do, of course, you probably know that, or loving conceptual ideas or just things you enjoy in general. Love things and prosper, and friends worthy of such trust and loyalty will provide the same in turn and it definitely helps, I am certain of that.

As you said, being lost isn't such a bad thing; there were no paths to begin with before people went exploring after all and discovered routes; some of the greatest scientists and writers known to us flunked out of school and said "screw the system, man", and it's believe by some including myself that one of the greatest goals attainable by a person is self-actualization, the top of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs, the interpretation of the self and the universe, acceptance of that and the realization of one's concept of being oneself through actions and thoughts, through pondering and perspective; success is completely relative, and the poorest man can achieve so much more than the greatest king could ever conceive of if the self-concept and universal perspective is given little thought. Satisfaction is a noble goal, and to fulfill yourself and be happy without, you know, stealing and hurting other people (morality being a component of all that pondering of course :P), is to achieve the human aspiration of existence; surely, the original incarnation of The American Dream was a variant of this in applying the freedom provided by our nation to our potential and becoming the best we can be to better ourselves and others around us without, perhaps, conforming or ridding ourselves of the self-concept in an effort to blend in, before the Dream may have been tarnished and corrupted by greed and avarice on the part of those who sought economic dominance to fulfill their aspirations.

Wow, that was, uh, a bit of a tangent off of what we were discussing, but I think it's still sorta relevant XP. In any case, I didn't expect to magically cure you of your ailments, as those will be something for your body or you to do with the aid of your self and others, and I'm certain you can come to a better place, wherever you define that for yourself; I'm glad I helped as much as I did and if you ever want to talk:

Email: toastywafflz.dollars@gmail.com
Skype: toastywafflz or Toastywafflz
Steam: Toastywafflz (see a pattern?)

I am much more responsive through Skype or Steam but I do check that email at least once a day if I can, so feel free to reach out if you want~ Have a nice day ^_^

THink of Life and it stuff like some little shit trying to biff with you. Don't give in to its attempt, and keep trying to find a way to fix life