where am i going to start.it is a good question...well lets start with me i think,i am a normal guy,live in a house,i have friends at school.but i feel weak and i don't have any disease and i am not ill,but i feel weak. well i think i should start from the day i feeled weak.it started when my stepfather was hitting my mom,i tried to stop him, but he just pushed me back and i hit my nose on a stairs and started bleeding,my mom scared pulled me back and we have gone to my room.the piece shit of my stepfather was punching the door that led to my room,but he stooped after a few hours...i was thinking during that time,i am that weak?i couldn't even protect one of the persons that i most loved.that day i feeled like shit when is flushed down from the toilet.
the next day 2 friends of my mom,called the cops and the cops arrested him.of course he was released but he couldn't go near my house.the problem is when he hit my mom that day,he was drunk and my mom thinks it was all effect from the alcohol and of course ,the started a relationship again without the police knowing ,he din't did nothing bad yet.but i hate when he comes home,i just feel hatred and a sense of powerless.i fear ever day that he will kill her,the fear stays deep on my bones when they are together.

for the next part of the story i must tell a few storys that happened long ago,so that you could fully understand.

my mom she is a nervous person and you could be thinking parent being worried is normal,the problem is when it happens everday .I know she has been gone trough a lot,but can she just calmed down for a second,she just makes my day worse in every completely way.well my mom immigrated country so that she could help our family,she coulnd't find a job in my mother country. and at that time we could say i turned into a badboy.i couldn't admit my feelings properly ,i started smoking,driking alchool, and having figth,the headteacher even called my grandmom(who was at the time my guardian)about this knife that i had in my bag(the story how that knife was in my bag is a long story)all that when i was 12,my grandmom even fainted because of things that happened(my mom tell that event a lot of times to my family and ever time i hear it,is like a sharp object slashed my heart)

when my mom was economically established,she said that we were going to the country my mom was at the time.i agreed completely since i had more then enough reasons(one of them was changing myself).when i got there i had to wait a few months waiting for a school i could get into.when i did get into one,i coulnd't speak the same languague since i din't learn it.i was often bullied,and my desire to figth was big since i always enjoyed figthing and i had more then enough reason to figth.and i figthed and figthed when one day the shit hit the fan.i was in this trance state consumed my anger for my nervous mother that was always pissed because my brother smoked weed(at the time),and my stepfather that was always a piece of shit to me.i was figthing this kid in lesson when the teacher(it was a women)got hit by one of my punches or kicks and fall on the floor.a teacher stepped in the class and i realizing how much shit i have done.the class when fucked,all of the chairs and tables where upside down and the students were in the very near the wall.i was permanently excluded ,but the teacher took pity on me and created this letter that i could get into other schools without problem. and i waited 8 months,yes 8 months,for 8 months i was a hikimori.in the meantime i studied the languague and got into anime and etc.

when i got into this new school,i started making friends and etc,but there is some piece of shits that call me bad names,and i want to beat them so badly.but i can't if i beat them i could get excluded and my mom could get nervous and faint like my grandmom did.i don't to hurt the people i most love.when they say those means words it hurts me sadly because if i act it is going to hurt my mom and eventually going to hurt me,and if i do nothing i am just going to hurt myself.i always had the passion for figthing but now i feel weak,powerless like i coulnd't do nothing, i think shit of me.i din't write this story to get help or something i just wanted to say a few things that in real life i can't thanks to any person who actually got the patience to read this(just to make some things sure,so don't you get confuse with the timeline, i am 14) .

Well, your story was resumed in a concise thread. Guess you could call it "Traps of Life". It seems like your mother is a warrior, blinded by a love that hurts you unconsciously. Even if your stepfather showed to be a threat to you, she insisted in this love. If she´s happy, you should bury the past and look at it as if it didn´t matter, always keeping an eye to anything that can happen. You should always expect for a good, and bad change from others, no matter who they are. By weakness, if you mean that it´s better to be hurt than to hurt others, then yes, it´s a weakness you developed from the care and the need to protect your mother from being hurt. That can either make you more weak, or a tough person that can support pain more than anyone else.

As you saw no other way out, you let anger overtake you and it resulted in what you just said: problems. When people call you names, or bully you, simply ignore them and show that you don´t care. Nothing can beat the pain of being ignored. If turning into a bad situation that´ll affect your physical healthy, relate it to the person responsible in taking care of the matter. Also, you can´t hold back all the overwhelming feelings pressuring your soul... you should seek to put it out in a way other than violence. Violence generates more violence, that´s why the World is never free from Wars and political conflicts. It´s part of human nature, yet, we´re always seeking for better ways to deal with our problems. Make your mother proud in the best way. What´s more powerful than a sword? A pen. Study hard so you can give her a better life. The past is in the past, if they bring it back, look behind and see how much you progressed, from who you were back then and who you are today. People makes mistake, and we learn from these mistakes, to commit les and less mistakes. We´re only humans, after all. Dealing with problems is part of the life so we can develop to be better each time we face a new problem.

That´s why I tell you: keep moving forward, no matter what. Problems come and hit us, but we stand firmly and keep walking forward. ;) it only depends of us to make the World a place we wish to live in.

It really ain't healthy to keep all these feelings within you... It is a good thing you wrote about it here, for a start! You have already figured out that violence is not the right way to pursue the strength you seek or to let out some steam, right? Maybe you should try to convert your frustration into energy to accomplish new things, such as practicing sports, creating art or helping people whenever you can!
I know it might sound shallow coming from a stranger that hasn't suffered what you have, but my point is: I believe what you need to do in other to improve your situation is to find a way within you to manage this anger into something constructive! Best of lucks!

guys i kind of needed to do a update.

these last days,i have been felling souless,like i don't have the will to live.since the day i was permented excluded,i haven't figth a single time so basically i haven't figth for 1 years and some months,but know you could say i don't i join some where i can learn and figth,simply reason,i don't have the confidence to do it.you could call me a coward ,but since that day i haven't get angry,pissed or any similar feelings,if someone punched me i would probably do nothing and i was never the soft guy.i am confused.well guys so needed to say that