I really don’t know what I want from this post, hell I dont even know what to name this... Maybe just like the last post I made in this section. Opinions and perhaps advice would help me the most. Maybe cheering up.... I'm really not good enough hehe.... I don’t care is this gets removed, it’s just my story and rant about how I fucked up and how my relationship tore me to pieces and put my back together and fucked me over in the ass with a metal bar all over again, THREE times with the SAME person.
I will change the names of the persons to avoid them from actually found by you guys. I dont want you guys interfering with their lives because of me. They are real people however and please respect them.
So,
The Start of my Shitty Story...:

There is me, Cryptic. Ugly, overweight and stupid. At least a year ago. I made friends with Cloud back then (I have no better name for him). He didn't care if I was overweight, ugly, stupid etc.. He taught me how to climb trees and how to get fit, we hung out a lot and, overall, I was happy. During this time, I've because interested in a female. Cloud's ex in a way. They dated for a while, on and off. Her name was Judie. Judie *sigh*. She was pretty and she could possibly bring any boy to her knees if she wanted to just with her looks, but she didn't. She wasn't like that. She was kind and caring, totally innocent. Never done anything indecent, not even had her first kiss. Well... About a year ago that was. We started talking online and I soon began to learn her, well, secrets and other things about her. Lets just say that her left arm wasn't ok, in a sense, due to extreme suffering and mental instability and perhaps insecurity. We began talking about our problems. Then I thought that it would be better if I stayed friends or perhaps best friends with her because that would give her space and other bullshit reasons I made up. She always seemed at least a little distressed. She would often say that she's not ok. I would try to help her out. Cheer her up. Talk about unicorns and pizza.
Some time passed and we got closer and closer then I learnt that Cloud was moving far away. He was also moving schools. Me and Judie were in utter shock for a while. However we accepted our fates without him. There was nothing we could do. We spent our last moments in the places where we had the most of our fun memories... Cloud was gone.
Things have changed again. Jade was midway between close and just friends. I was a little fitter and not as stupid as before. Yet stupid enough to fall for my ex, Casaundra. We met online. We found ourselves spamming a guys comments, being utterly silly and stuff. I don't remember what exactly had happened however all I know is that we just started getting closer and closer. We understood each other. Then after some time, she told me that she liked me. I told her that I felt the same way. I asked her if she wanted to go out. She said that she did. This is how my first relationship with her started (woohoo 2 more to go)... She dumped me soon after for some dude, I believe. I tried to keep a happy front, saying things like "Oh its fine 😊" "Yeah, I'm sure xD" "I'm fine :)" "I hope he makes you happy xD". Lies. Lies. Lies. LIES. Even though I acted like this, I was crushed on the inside. Judie tried to soothe my pain. She was a real friend... At school, she'd always tried to cheer me up. She always made me smile.
More time passes. I lose more weight and begin to look human. I get smarter. Judie and I get closer. I also get closer to Judies friends (they are basically a godsend(they're one of best things that happened to me and I owe them a lot)). Me and Casaundra still seem to be talking to each other and me and Cloud stopped talking and it seemed like the friendship had ended. I gave Casaundra a second chance. Damn these long distance relationships. We dated. I was happy, Judie was and so was Casaundra.
I used to come over to Judie's once in a while. There was a time when I came over to her like once a week. We used to play games on Xbox. I remember one day we were done playing and just lied down and held hands. We messed about a little. I got on top of her and looked into her brown eyes and bit my lip, but I didn't kiss her then. That's what I regret. I didn't think I was worth it. I don't know why I didn't see it before but Judie might have had loved me and I loved her too (and I'd do anything to get her love back). I regret not doing anything about it either and not trying hard enough.
Judie and Casaundra started talking. I told Judie that she needed a friend like her. However, Judie's friend ship with her and my relationship was brought to an absolute stop. She dumped me for some guy. Some guy in America, where she lives. He lived about an hour away from her. He was hardcore (and I really mean hardcore) Christian. Not that I have anything against them or anything... I used to be one myself. His name was Kyle. He was fake and manipulative. Casaundra was all like "I wanna see you :*" to Kyle and I was just like "Oh.". Am I really not good enough!? That you drop me for a guy you don't even know because he lives closer!? That's the kind of shit that was going through my head.
Judie and her friends kept me alive.......barely. I wanted to leave Casaundra behind and move on from her. She just held onto me and it was tearing me to pieces. And because I loved her, I didn't have the heart to grab and throw her hands off me.
It was nearly Christmas 2014, last year. One day I was meant to be coming over to hers, with flowers, chocolates and other things that she liked, however she didn't know that. It was a Monday, I remember. I came up to her online and asked if I was still coming. She said something along the lines of "No. I hate being this close". Hands on my head. I was blown away. The only day that I wanted to tell her how I felt and ask her how she felt towards me... She cancelled. And I never got a chance to say how I feel towards her. Sure, there was them times where she would say "I love you xD" and I would reply "eww 😝" or the other way round. But I really didn't think she meant it then. And I thought that I was just for fun. I was stupid and blind. This story only gets worse.
One of Judie's friends had a crush on me. I used to hang out with her 2 days straight. She was cool. And I guess there was something about her, however, she wasn't really my type. Her name was Ella. On the first day that we hanged, I guess, I remember that she cried to me. I'd give her a hug and stuff, to try and cheer her up. After a while, she calmed down had the idea that we should pretend to go out (as in date) to fool a friend of hers. This friend was Alana. Alana and Ella were close and they liked to pull tricks on each other. Alana was short, adorable and cute. She was also quite gullible. But, even though I didn't think Ella's plan would work, I agreed to it.

We decided to go to Judie's house. On the way we also decided to try it out on Judie and ask what she though about the whole thing. We came up to the door, standing close to each other and her mother opened the door. We asked for Judie. Judie, embarrassed because she had no make up on, slowly crawled to the door and told us to come in. A while of idle chatter and I said to Ella out loud "Shall we tell her the truth?". Judie figure out what was going on. She said in a surprised yet exited tone "I knew it." She clicked he'd fingers "I knew it. I always thought that you guys would be together." she clicked again. I said to Ella "Shall we tell her the real truth?" and giggled a little. Judie got what was going on and we explained to her that we were pranking Alana. We spend some time at Judie's and had fun. This is where it takes a sharp turn.
That night. I popped up to Ella over the net and told her that we should stop pretending. She agreed. We stopped.
The next morning, I was invited to go to Judie's. Ella was there. I came and we all had fun. We ended up going to a bridge and talked and stuff... Judie put her arm round mine and said that I was warm. I replied with "oh".
After we went home, I got a voice message from Alana. It was Ella crying. Saying "I've fucked up" sobbing and crying. Blaming herself. I really just fell back and there was no one to catch me. I collapsed. I was broken.
I believe that it was because I was broken, I asked Casaundra out. I gave her a third chance. And her last one. It was my last one I told everyone... But I wasn't sure. I came back to what was familiar rather than what was guaranteed to be true. I was familiar with Casaundra. But Judie was true. I wished I could have brought back that day and made a different decision. Judie apparently did something to herself that night. And by that I mean to her arm. When she left me, I was left shaking and I ended up throwing up because I was in such a severe shock. I tried to make amends. We were friends for like a day and then we were strangers. We're still strangers. Even now. I feel so guilty. I've got so much regret. I should have listened to my precious friends. I should have just let Casaundra go back then.
I ended up going out with Casaundra for 3 months. This is the last time she broke me. She left me again. For another dude. I dont even wanna talk about him. Ill probably end up drowning in my own tears. He is blind and stupid like me. And he didn't see that Casaundra loved him. I tried opening them. I failed.
2-3 weeks after, she goes out with a guy desperate for a gf. This just had blown me away. This is today. Im practically crying writing this paragraph. I hate seeing her with anyone else but me. I loved her so much and she threw it away every time.
I’m done with Casaundra.
I feel terrible.
I just wanna disappear.
Thank you for reading my story/rant.
-Cryptic

Wow what a long story, but I read it.
Firstly, and you probably won't believe it, but I bet you're not ugly at all.
We all make mistakes in life, it builds up experience and the more experience the more wisdom you gain.
You may feel terrible now, but in time you find happiness- even though you may think you can't.
Just because you want to disappear now doesn't mean you should!
I know you love her but unfortunately it doesn't look good :/

But keep your head up high and you WILL get through this! :)