It's been 11 days since the last update. A lot of people suggested things, and I'm thankful for that.
A lot of things happened since then. It's been a long 11 days.
The first thing I did is try talking to everybody again. My dad sa, and I'm ommiting te curses here, "Stop being such a fairy already and man the hell up." Then he lit a cigare and went back to playing online poker.
Next was my mom. This time I made sure she has the time. After I told her what I wanted to tell her, all she said was that she's comming over in a week or two, and that if I wanted to do it, I should wait after my birthday.
I always hated my birthdays. It's supposed to be the one day when people actually listen to me. It never was. They always talked about how good the food my mom made was, how the apartmant is nice, how the place is like heaven, peaceful.
I didn't want to even see my brother, but I went talking to him anyways. All he sad was that if I wanted to kill myself everybody would be happy, and he would be on top of the list.
My cousins, aunts and uncles gave the usual and quick: "It's gonna be OK. You're going to be just fine."
Next was my girlfriend. First she went on and on about how she's forced by her aunt to spy on her cousin and her uncle (the aunt's brother) and his lover, and how she doesn't have the time to go partying. Then she said that she doesn't want to date me anymore. We were toghether for 3 or so months. I kissed her, and we went our separate ways. My first kiss I should add, and it was just so... forgetable really. It was emotionless. And now I realise that she didn't really care about me, and that I'm probably the most screwed up person in the world.
Next were my friends, both of them. One started talking about his new girlfriend, and when I tried to tell him about my problems, he just shot me down, as if him having a new girlfriend was more important (the guy changes girlfriends every few months).
The other one listened for a while. When I finished he was silent for about two minutes, then stood up and said that he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I apologized that I ruined his life, payed for my drink and split.
Now, being a physically healty 17 year old person, I mastrubate a lot. Or I used to. The past few months I even lost the feeling in that, allong with that feeling of freedom that comes from the climbing and suicide attempts.
Somebody suggested talkig to a religious figure. I believe in God, always have, but I'm don't believe in religion. Me and God don't get allong. But I still tried. My parents are Muslim, so I know a priest (what the hell are they called in English anyways?), so I talked to him. What did he say? That suicide is a sin, and that I shouldn't do it. That I should pray instead, devote myself to religion and stop thinking about my problems. I told him that I don't really get allong with God, and he said that I shold return to the path of religion before I end up in hell. I'm going there one way or another, so I don't really care.
I also tried talking to a Christian priest, thinking that, maybe they would say something different. Not much luck there. At first I didn't tell him about me not being Christian, and he said the exact same things as the Muslim priest did. And when I told him I'm not really a Christian he all but kicked me out of the church. He "insisted" on me leaving.
Last wer the suicide hotline and a psychologist friend of somebody I knew long ago. THe suicide hotline was boring and did nothing. The psychologist pulled out his first year psycho babble bullshit and tried to perscribe me pills. Do these guys even learn anything? Do they think all people are the same and that the same things can fix them? So I took the perscription, crumbled it up and threw it past him (I never was a good shot).
So here I am. One final update. Thank you for supporting me, and thank you for caring about a complete stranger on the internet.
I decided I'm going to kill myself before my 18th birthday in a few weeks. I guess I have to let it out somewhere. Thank you again for the support.
~Bartender

Life must be really hard for you, I can't imagine what that feels like to be treated that way by your own family. I'm sorry, I'm sure everything will come all together. I wish you happiness for the rest of your days. Don't give up! Stay strong!
SĮNCĘREŁY
ARYA

Don't mean to sound... Insensitive? But if this is just an update to a previous thread, please keep it in that thread to keep this board as clean as possible. Thanks. /Sage

>>1 i have seen your previous post and i am kind of sad that you are going to suicide,there is one thing that i have learned in life,anything can happen.well ,i hope you don't give up on living,i hope don't you don't have the balls to kill yourself.stay strong bartender.

Look Bartender, I understand where you're coming from, and if you want to commit suicide, I totally understand that as well, the world isn't all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. But before you do off yourself, why not take a few long walks? Get some real self realisation happening, do you live near any beaches? Why not spend a few days at a beach, just stare into the ocean? And if it helps, check out those pretty people at the beach, it might help :). Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is try to enjoy your last few weeks, I don't know you, but I'll miss you.
Goodbye Bartender
~Scurvy

I'm just a random person on the internet and I can not imagine how it feels to be treaten like that, All I can say is that- from all that I have learned so far- I couldn't kill myself, because life changes to fast. I know this sounds like this „Theres always something to live for“-blab and It's not that I've got the right to tell you what to do or that you have to care about anything I say, that's your decision after all.
I just hope that you find a little reason not to kill yourself in the next days.

I don't know you, but it's still kinda sad to think that you're going to push through with this. But I respect your decision. I still hope you find something to live for in the short time before you do it. We all gotta let go if it hurts too much. When nothing and nobody can help you out, it's up to you. Take a walk at night, have a beer or whatever your drink is at the park, maybe even light a cigarette if you fancy one. Have a little time for yourself. Think of anything you have left in this world, anyone who might cry for you, anyone who still cares for you. After that, it's all up to you. It worked for me, don't know if it might work for you.

I might sound too prying, or too nosy, but something might still be worth living for and you just haven't found it yet. Cheers dude.

ya know, if your going to do it, write a letter to your fam about how you feel, that is if your so intent about it, remeber tho, human morals suck and there still is things to live for, also, if you need somebody to talk to, a lot of people here are more willing than you think.

actually, forget what i said, join the military instead