Hey. This isn't something I would usually discuss, but I'm at the end here. I have been depressed for quite a while now. I tried to kill myself a while back, but when I was standing on that bridge, a feeling came over me. It was freedom. Complete freedom. In mind, body, and spirit. The only other time I got the same feeling is when I used to climb mountains.
I tried to kill myself multiple times since then. Sliting my wrists, eating pills (strangly 400 mg of vicodin made me really sleepy), hanging myself... All just to feel that feeling again.
And when I didn't try to kill myself I climbed. I climbed every mountain and hill in reach. I even climbed a peek I haven't in years. The first time I did the six of us got to halfway up. The second time one of us got injured and we turned back. This time I did it alone. Not safe, but for somebody like me that doesn't really matter.
And now... The feeling disappeared. Both from climbing and from the suicide atempts. It was the only thing keeping me alive. I'm done. I guess this is a suicide letter of sorts. After all, one of you guys will actually read it.
My family was never good to me. They weren't bad or abusive directly, but how could they when they were never there? My mother is a perfectionist. If she wasn't working, she was cleaning. Not a speck of dust could be seen.
My "father", and I don't like caling him that, was never at home. He worked, or was out, and even when he was at home he never actually cared for me.
My brother was the star of the family (and it's a big family, let me tell you that). He played in a lot of theathers, was always on the news and the papers for achivements and awards and what not. He was always the good one, the better one.
Out of my cousins we have a boxer who is quite good, a doctor, a well known cheff... You get the idea. I on the other hand don't really have a talent that my family would call "useful". I can write. That's my only talent. I can make up stories and write.
I didn't have a single friend until I was 12. Before that, for 5 years, I was constantly bullied in and out of school. I was extorted for money constantly. Then I got a friend. He was really timid at first. Then I got another friend. I actually feel guilty for him being my friend. I think the only reason he is, is because I sad a few things that more or less forced him to be my friend.
Then I entered highschool. And transfered a few weeks after. And did it again. And a final time. I quit school a few months back. Nobody really knows why. I had people I hung out with and everybody knew me as that guy who knows a lot. I quit because I was depressed and couldn't focus. When I started thinking my mind would go to a place so dark that it made me want to break down right then and there and cry. But I never did. I haven't cried in years. And I haven't smiled a real smile, or laughed from the bottom of my heart in almost as long.
I don't really speek to the two guys from grade school anymore. One still calls from time to time to talk about anime, or just complain. But he changed a lot since then. For the better or worse, I don't want to judge. The other one doesn't call at all, and we rarely go out for a drink. I still see them every once in a while when they feel like they need to went. I guess that's all I'm good at after all. Being the shoulder people cry on.
Before I quit school I got a girlfriend. At least I think I did. We did go on a few dates. I haven't heard or seen her in a while now. I tried calling, but she's either too buissy or just doesn't pick up.
My "parents" divorced four or five years ago. She moved away to a different country so I see her less than a month a year. I don't mind though. He's still working all the time and when he is at home he doesn't really care. He always wanted me to bo into sports, so he speaks highly of the boxer cousin (he's 4 years younger than me).
My brother and I always faught and never got along. He always had a supperiority complex, so he always held over my head how better he is. Better style of dressing, better looking, older, wiser, smarter, more friends, people liking him... He moved away last September and lives in a different city now for his collage I guess is what you would call it. Our education system is a bit different and it's hard to explain it in english terms.
I tried getting help. The only thing the doctor gave me were pills that only caused me to be dizy and put on weight. I was as depressed as ever. So I stopped taking them.
I tried talking to a professional. But they cost too much and my "dad" can't afford. Not that they helped. Always going on about how things will get better, saying nothing about how to make it better, or giving helpful advice. And no, it didn't get better. It got worse. Every year it got worse.
And now, the only thing keeping me alive, the feeling of freedom from climbing, and strangely, suicide, is gone. I'm done. It's only a matter of time before I kill myself. Will probably do it before my 18th birthday in February. The only reason I didn't do it yet is because, even if they never loved me, I still don't want to cause trouble from them with dying. Funerals aren't cheep.
I don't really want to be burried or anything. I want an old style viking funeral. But I know that cannot happen. At least not here. And even if it could, all the permits and what not cost a ton, so they couldn't do it.
And lastly, I don't want to hear you saying that it'll be OK and get better. Or even that my family loves me. They are my family after all, right? Family members are supposed to love each other, right? I wish that was true. Time and time again I experienced and saw one family member abusing, hating, ignoring, or simply disliking others. And not talking, or talking in a hostile manner. Either way. Blood doesn't mean family. Blood is no thicker than water, no matter how much we tell ourselves that. To be a family... You have to earn that.
So this is my good bye. My farewell. My final words. All I hope for is that somebody out there can have what I can't. A small portion of happiness and love.
Take care stranger.
~Bartender

I don't know you, and you don't know me, so you're right I can't just tell you "that is going to be ok" or "your family loves you", but I can tell you one thing this life, this world, is marvelous, there are endless oportunities, endless places to see, endless people to meet, endless things to do. Instead of taking your life, you should get a new life, get away from everything and everyone, find places that you have never seen, do things that you have never done, look for something that makes you happy. You talked about writing, it doesn't matter what someone else thinks if you like it and are good at it, don't let anyone stop you from doing that. So I'm not telling you to reconsider, I'm just telling you to first know the world you live in and do new things in new places, before you do this.
I know it can be hard to travel and such, but everything is possible if you want to and if you work hard enough, I too have been depressed, but there is always one thing that makes me want to still be alive, the possibilities I have while being alive, the things I haven't seen, tried, heard, people I haven't met.
So I'll leave by just telling you one thing:

Is there still something you want to do?

If you do, do it, no matter how hard it may seem, just do it, you might just find happiness in it. And after you do that, find something else, and then something else, and then something else. I guarantee you, that you'll find something that makes you happy and that will make you want to be alive just to try/do/see that again.

Goodbye Bartender

-Stranger

All I can say bartender is, while you have lost the feeling now, that does not mean that it's not out there somewhere. Fight for it, and carve out your own place in life! I really hope that you do not chose to end your life. This world is just too interesting too not appreciate it, you just have to look.

The world is not as bad as you think.

Looking at the time I see that this has been posted for a good while. And I hope you have not completely given up yet. As many have written there is always something in the world that will inspire you again.
If I may I have just one request of you... Sit down somewhere quiet and write a list out of the things you hate/dislike about yourself. Then write a second list with everything you love/like about yourself.
Now if you are brave enough please read these list to a friend or family member. Ask them... Ask them how they would feel that if you disappeared this second would they regret never taking a moment to just talk with you. It doesn't matter what they talk about, just something that connects the two of you together.
Sadly I don't think you will read this but I will pray that you find a light in your darkness. Good Night

@Setton: The exact words Celty used if I remember correctly.
@Stranger: May be so, but the search itself is making me tired. I don't have the enegry to keep fighting. I heard one of my neighbours who was in WWII about how tired he was during it. That he just couldn't take it any more. And he wasn't even in the worst part of it. He was in a bunker somewhere in the mountains watching the pass from a house and was safe. Well, as safe as you could have been fighting in WWII.
@Akiraki: I did as you suggested. My dad didn't even flinch and said to go be a "sissy" (not what he said, but I don't want to curse here). My brother just laughed in my face. My mother dearest who I spoke on the phone with simply said: "You're going to be all right. I have to get ready for a date." Her exact words. Fun, isn't it? One of my friends just asked why I was calling him and said that he didn't really want anything to do with me anymore and that I should move on. The other listened, was quiet for a few seconds, then changed the topic to something he wanted to talk about. Guess I'm not that worth to the people in my life. Maybe when I'm gone...

I would like to run away if I could. It crossed my mind on multiple ocassions, and is the only other thing I can think of doing. But how? I have no money, and have no skills or way to earn it. Not to mention that I have no idea where to go. Is there even a place where I can start anew? And how? You can't exactly just get a new identity out of the blue. If I could go somewhere I would. But I can't.

Please be safe. there are so many things in this word to live for!

I'm gonna get a lot of shit for this but I don't care.

I know how it feels just to be fucking tired of it all. To persevere and for what? A bunch fucking nothing. Except more pain and more misery. If you want to kill yourself you have my support and understanding.

However you should wait just a little longer. Wait until you have exhausted every single possible option to counter your depression.

Focus on what you have. Not what you don't. Surround yourself in places that compliment your own goals in life. Invest in things you desire. Put yourself out there and stay available to others.
Make it easier for life to reach out for you. Manipulate your thoughts, what you see, and what you hear to your advantage. Get that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you.

Fight god damn it!

If you have already killed yourself, like I said. I understand and you have my support. I sincerely wish you everlasting peace.

I can never say that they know what your going through because its your pain. But I know how depression is and it feels like it will never end. But it does, you just have to hang in. I got through mine because I made some amazing friends who always tried the best to make me smile. Even doing the most risking themselves just for my sake.

Goodbye Bartender, I love you.

Now that i've read this, I realize that I am going down the same path as you are. My family is quite supportive of me, so are my friends. The problem is that I keep disappointing them. My only brother is autistic, so my parents certainly have high expectations of me that I can't meet. And now, i'm alcoholic, and I smoke already. I've been contemplating suicide for a long time now, but I can't stand the thought of letting my friends and family down, and the thought of leaving my brother alone for his life to come. I'm a failure in school, a failure as a son, a failure as a brother, and as a friend. I don't even know what to do anymore, and the people on this group seem to be the only people I can share this with.

Bartender, if you're still alive and if you decide to live for something in this world, goodluck to you, my friend. If not, then I wish your soul peace. Should we ever cross paths, I'd gladly share a few drinks with you. -Cheers.

I do hope you're still around. There's always a silver lining. If you end it now, you'll never know the immense happiness waiting for you. We wouldn't appreciate the sun if we didn't know the rain, I like to say. I have a large scar on my wrist from when I wanted to die. As soon as I started bleeding a lot, I got scared. I realized I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. And it will. A lot of really bad things happened since then, but I never attempted it since then. I learned to find the light in every negative situation. You can too. Please hang in there for me. The world is a beautiful and terrible place. I understand that suicide is something personal, kind of like addiction. People can talk to you about your decisions endlessly and they will hardly make an impact. I hope you reconsider. I hope you hold on to the hope that made you make it this far. That's all you need.

>>11 don't be so hard on yourself. We're only human....You're not a failure. You're just going through a very very hard time. There are people around you that will be devastated if you go...for a long time. Don't let the things pile up, instead of finding all the negative, search for the light in your life. It's always there.

Devote everything to your academic work. Do well and get a decent job and move out

I'd be lying if I said I had the answers for you, but I want you to know that you are not alone and I sincerely wish you well and would like you to find hope. Without really knowing you, there's a severe limit to what I can say or do, but I would encourage you to talk to someone in person about this. If you have a trusted religious figure, please turn to them. If religion isn't your thing, perhaps a psychologist may be able to help.

If you need to talk to someone immediately, please look at: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or call 1-800-273-TALK

I'm sorry I can't truly help, but I honestly and sincerely wish you well.