This is my first post here, so hi everyone! :) I have a bit of a problem and I don't really have anyone to talk to about this so here I am I guess.

So I'm 17, a senior and high school, and have lived with my mother for most of my life. I visited my dad every other weekend usually and really looked forward to it because I sort of idolized him. Throughout my life I noticed myself slowly becoming more and more like him and having a strong bond with him, while I slowly drifted further and further apart from my mother.

After years and years of fighting, in the beginning of 11th grade it came to a breaking point and my mother kicked me out of the house. I moved in with my dad shortly after. This may sound like a bad thing, but in a way I was actually kind of happy about it because the time I spent with my dad over the weekends didn't feel like father-son time, it felt more like having a brother or a best friend.

My dad is the type of person that gets along with you really well as long as you don't piss him off. Well, since I had actually never lived with him on a daily basis and only really came there as a visitor, a lot of problems started to arise that caused tension in between us, like how lazy I am, how forgetful I am, schoolwork, and how I tend to fuck up anything I touch, just to name a few. Eventually this got so bad that things started getting pretty violent and hostile. He started getting extremely angry over little things and mistakes and would repeatedly scream at me and tell me that I'm a good for nothing fuck up, or something of the sort. Once it turned physical, but usually it was me screwing up and him getting mad and yelling at me for thirty minutes. Sometimes it was completely unprovoked, and we would just be talking and he would rant at me at everything I do wrong and how its an inconvenience to him. Naturally, all of this got me extremely depressed and I went through about 6 months of this endless cycle of hostility and depression. (I actually picked up anime to fill my time and cope with my depression and quickly developing ADD, which actually helped a lot and slowly brought me out of my slump)

Eventually, I got kicked out of my fathers house as well and was sent back to my mother's house, where I currently live now. I currently have similar tension between my step-dad and I, where were constantly at each others throats. Things have turned very physical once or twice since moving back in. In general I'm okay now and am happy to be around all of my old friends, but occasionally am really depressed. I think about my dad and little sisters on my dads side frequently and have dreams about seeing them again. It has been anywhere from 6 months to a year since I've seen them last, I'm not exactly sure.

Anyways, the real question is that I don't really know how to repair things with my dad or even how to start to reach out to him. Before I left, he said that the son I am now is not his son and that I am not allowed back in his house at all until I have changed. He said when I am ready, I can freely reach out to him or my sisters to talk or make up, but he will never reach out to me first. I feel like I could make up with him because I know that most of what happened over there was my fault and I was the original one at fault, even though he took things way too far, but I just don't know how to approach him... I completely ruined any sort of relationship I ever had with him. I also get really sad whenever I think of my two little sisters who I hear about sometimes and how all they want to do is see me and they miss me a lot... It eats me up inside all the time. I'm afraid that if I don't make up with him before I graduate, I never will. I don't really know what I'm looking for when posting here, but I really just don't know what to do right now and I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. Thanks for your time :)

Forgot to include this but

tl;dr I got kicked out of my dad's house after a lot of fighting and hostility and I'm not sure how to repair it. I want to reestablish a relationship with him and to see my little sisters again but I don't know how to do it.

well.. me too.
but i'll just act like a good girl so My dad won't get mad at me. My dad is sort of scary when he's pissed off
I'll just ignore my dad and going on living
my dad is often get mad at me for no reason,he started getting extremely angry over little things and mistakes since his shop is closed. bankrupt
i think my dad's just tired
i loved him. sometimes i hated him
I am depressed too. and it is okay.
i'll protect my dad. hahaha

Who do you stay with now? I don't really know what do say. My mum can get pretty works up about little things and gets stressed alot but I try to keep a level head and don't do anything to provoke her.
My dad doesn't really help the problem as he is pretty expressionless. He nearly always has the blank poker face on. And he is super childish and pranks her constantly.
I'm basically the only sane one.

Yeah when my dad got really mad at me I tended to just shut down and sit there emotionless or staring off into the distance, which pissed him off even more. But that's how I coped.

But yeah, I stay with my mom now. Things are fine enough, and I get to see my old friends every day which is good. Life is good in general now, but the only nagging feeling is that I'm missing out on so much of my little sisters' lives.

You could wait until your sisters are old enough to make their own decisions. That's the easiest way. But if you really want to see your sisters now, try to apologize to him. Now, I don't know your father, so I don't know what the best course of action for that is. But if he is the more understanding sort, try to explain how you feel, while showing that you want to start over and forget about the past. I know it's hard. Believe me I do. But there are some situations where you have to be the bigger person. Plus, your father basically guaranteed that as long your apology is genuine, he'll accept it.

@Tetra, my sisters are both very young so that would be a while. I know the best way to do this is just to call him and apologize but I just can't ever work up the nerve to do it... I think about it all the time but never actually work up the courage to do it. And I don't really know why either, because I can almost say with 100% certainty that he would be forgiving and I could probably go over to his house with no problems. But I just have this major mental block I cant get over, and I don't know why :/

That's something you have to think about. Why do you not want to call him? Is it pride? Is it pain? Something else? Just keep asking yourself until you can find the issue and amend it. Be honest with yourself and give every question some serious thought.

I'm not very experienced in this kind of stuff, but what I think I'd do is invite him out for short little meet-ups, and maybe apologize, and if your relationship improves, gradually start raising the frequency and/or lengths of the excursions. I hope this helps ^_^