There has been so much things going on in my life just want to fucking make everyone shut up.
Crying in my own room writing this... i never thought I would post this to dollars.
Before I start: Im female, age 16, highschool first year (i started late)
Anyway the first thing that I want to start with is;
My parents. Im never comfortable when Im around them. And when I speak to them they just misunderstang and yell at me. Today im not in a good mood.
And I was on my phone trying to forget stuff and my mother just kept on saying "you are waiting a reply from a guy arent you always have your pride etc etc" and I said no its not like that and she said Well just saying and I said dont. Then she said again dont wait reply thats so unprideful and I just said GOODNIGHT. And shut my door a little hard and my father started yelling WHY DO YOU SHUT YOUR DOOR BE MORE RESPECTFUL ETC ETC and I just said okay and closed my door. They arent helping at all without even knowing what im going through... They arent understanding at all...
I was crying and staring at my phone and was thinking that i could be depressed and she just said (even though she saw me crying) "Stop looking at your phone that much go study."

They always say Go study.
I did. I fucking did yesterday. I fucking worked.
and my mother said No you didnt.
DID YOU SEE?! DID YOU LOOK?! NO.

Anyway so "what im going through" has something to do with my ex boyfriend(he is 18). He kind of raped me and then we broke up etc but he was a good friend and he is facing bad times now and I want to be there to help him. He got beaten up a few days ago and his nose is broken. He isnt in good times.
anyway im so sensetive when the topic is him. Its not like I love him... I just want to be his friend -I have a boyfriend now(he is 17).
Its true that I miss his hugs and the warmth of his hands... but thats another topic now.

So he ignores me a lot. Because he feels really guilty about what he did to me so he is runing away from it.
and whenever he ignores me I feel so sad.

Okay it sounds so simple but its not, its so worrying me.... I dont know how to say it... I just want him to tell me whats wrong so I can help him.

But being close to him reminds me of what he did and it breaks my heart.
My heart literally hurts a lot when he is ignoring me or talking to me.

I dont know...

Other than that I have no friends in school... my boyfriend is not in a good mood either so if I talk to him he would be kind of harsh unintentionally. That breaks my heart too.

Also I was reading old texts with my friends and I realised that I lost them all... and whenever i text them hi they wont reply. -I lost them forever

Im in the popular group lets say. But I hate every single person in it. I cant just leave. Its so hard to leave...

I also smoke. Its a bad addiction and Im so scared that my parents will find it out. I also lie a lot to make people around me believe that im okay

So...thats whats happening to me right now... any ideas how to... fix stuff...?
thank you...
Sorry english is my second language it may be bad >~<

Im 15**

Well I am not sure about a few things because the parents reply's are confusing me.

But its ok to try and let some steam out some times. Its not a bad thing to be able to cry. It relieves some of the pain... I get how you are uncomfortable as they sound strict and incapable of making a compromise.

If possible just go to study but actually close your eyes or stare listening to music. If they think you are studying you could get a bit of a breather like that. Not all the time but for the moments you really need it. Taking deep breaths *quietly* also helps in stressful situation and prevent from going into a panic mode.

I hope this is helpful as I got so few information, but it should do for what I know of the problem.

Seems to me like you have a lot on your plate. Just take some time and prioritize. Let the little things go.

If you really can't stand your social group then don't put up with them. If they are just being a pain right now and are usually good people then just remember they aren't always like this.

My dad is just like that too, I would take a guess that what is going on is he feels like your getting more distant and that really scares parents so he isn't sure what to do.

As for your friends, if you want them back reach out and explain what is going on, if they are really friends they will understand. If not then sorry to speak poorly of them but they probably weren't worth it anyway. Also make sure to sort things out in person and not over the phone.

Lastly kick the smoking, it really doesn't help anything.

Hope things get better.

Thank ypu so much... I will try my best >~<

You sound really emotionally unstable.

I would advise you smoke less and exercise more, endorphins will do ya good, kid. Look into meditation as well.