hey.. i don't really know how to start so i'll just thank whoever is reading this first. Thank you for the time and the effort that would probably be wasted.
As you can see from the title, I just wanted to vent out and maybe get some kind of advice or encouragement from someone.
You see, I just lost my dad recently and I'm still under shock.. I still haven't cried. I don't know why..maybe because it was too sudden but I still feel...numb. He died because a nerve from his brain burst and he had to undergo an operation. Unfortunately it didn't succeed.
Of course, i miss him and I feel really depressed right now but I just can't seem to cry. Is that normal? I am the kind of person who doesn't cry easily but this is just too unusual. Now I would like to say that this was the only thing I wanted to vent out but life is unfair so of course there's more.
You see, I was the only one staying with my dad when he got sick (before the nerve bursting occurred, my dad had cancer) so when he died, who do you think got blamed for the whole ordeal? yeah.. that's right, me. They probably needed someone to blame to stay sane, to refrain from breaking down, but did they really have to blame me? I feel bad enough that I couldn't help my dad, that I was too helpless and pathetic. Did they have to add to that? Especially my mom who didn't think twice on showing me her hatred. She blamed me any chance she got and yelled at me while crying. I think that was the hardest part ,her yelling at me while crying. I wouldn't mind just the yelling but seeing her cry during the process and having this pained expression on her face was devastating to say the least. There was also a time when she openly wished that I died instead of my dad.
Was it really my fault that he died? Does he hate me now? Should I really be alive now when my dad is gone? Should I grant one of my mother's wishes? I found myself asking these questions a lot. It must be true. I mean everyone keeps on saying that it was. They must have a valid reason right? I wouldn't kill myself though. That would be too easy. I'd rather live and accept the punishment that I deserve.
Every single day afterwards was just so hard. I had to deal with people who tried to sympathize with me, not because they wanted to but because it was the normal thing to do, teachers who looked at me with eyes full of pity, friends who got overly cautious around me which served as a constant reminder that things were different now, insincere condolences,false promises, and the worst thing was the fact that almost everyone thought that they were helping you even though all they did was tell me that everything would be okay. Most of them thought it was enough. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. If this keeps on going on, I might just break. I still can't get over the fact that I haven't cried yet. It makes me feel like I betrayed my father. It makes me feel extremely guilty and it makes me have doubts. I know that I'm not the only person who experienced this and that there's a lot of people out there who have it a lot worse than me but I just can't help but feel like this.
There's a lot more that I'd like to say because these aren't even half of the things that I want to vent out but well I don't think I'm ready to tell them and besides I don't really want to make this thread too long.
Anyway, I would like to thank you again for reading this. I'm sorry for the time and effort it took.

(I don't have much experience with this, so I'm sorry if this isn't very helpful, but I'll try)
People blaming you for someone dying of a natural cause is bullshit. Unfortunatly, people get mad when someone dies, and just pin the blame on anyone they possibly can. It's pretty likely someone else might get blamed for this (maybe). Just keep in mind that a lot of people blame themselves when someone dies, and don't want to face that so they tell themselves it wasn't them and it's someone else's fault.
As for the way people act around you, the only thing you could do is try to ignore that. And yes, I realize that is terrible advice, and it's a lot easier said than done.
For all of this, there's no way it can last forever. People aren't sure whether to sympathize with someone dealing with death, or ignore them, or act indifferently, or what. They'll get over it eventually, there's no way they could keep that up for a long time. Everyone blaming you has to realize at some point that it's completely stupid to blame you for this.
I think I've heard before that a lot of people don't cry at first because of the shock or something like that. Whether you ever cry or don't doesn't matter. Do you really think anyone cares whether you cry or not? Don't give me that bullshit. Obviously you can be sad without crying. How does not having salty water in your eyes mean you betrayed someone? I can understand why you feel this way, and I would probably feel the same in your situation, but it's still bullshit. To put it simply, death is bullshit. Basically everything in this world is bullshit. (I wonder how many more times I can use 'bullshit' in this post.) Nothing makes sense, especially people. No one in this world is perfect, especially when it comes to death, and definitly not when they're not the ones dying.
I can assure you that, in the end, everything will be fine. That sounds incredibly cliched, but it's cliched for a reason (because it's true). I hope this was helpful in one way or another, somehow.

Don't you dare think for a second that you should have died instead. You have no right to think anything close to that. You have to live, think about not just your dad, but other people who were much younger and died of similar things. They didn't want to die, why don't you live for them, for your dad. You and your perfect health, use it! And no it's not your fault, it's not anyones "fault" that your dad died. I'm sorry to say this, but people die every day, hundreds of them, right now some child must have died,and another,and another, a grandparent. Your dad would never hate you for living, He is probably just sad that he didn't get to see you grow up! And I know it's hard, but when someone dies, think about how happy you are that they LIVED and that you could have someone like that in your life, that they too were able to be happy, smile and love. You remember you dad, and you carry on his legacy, not matter how small or big it may be. If thats not enough do it for me, cant even remember my parents, and they left me for dead. It's okay to cry or not cry, people have different ways of undergoing depression. And if you do cry remember this: IT'S OKAY TO CRY, IT'S JUST THE WAY YOUR BODY RESPONDS WHEN SIMPLE WORDS CANNOT EXPLAIN OR EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL. And Alex, I hope you feel better, and if i sounded harsh i'm sorry, i just don't want you to ever take your own life or go through depression because i know how much it hurts.

Your punishment could be to live. You can repay it by living. If your mom hates you then she can say what she wants, don't mind her, you are still her child anyways. My Grandma died by a nerve burst too. My Grandpa died of cancer, and my little sister. People just die. It's not your fault. Just accept it. Accept everything. Blow everything, lmao. I think it's completely normal to not cry. When I cry at funerals I always think, "Is it my tears or theirs?" Well, it's also unhealthy to not cry too. Gotta let'em out sometime, ya know. You can try to use all these advices right here that people are telling you. You can use as reference. Cheer up! Also, if you are saying that you are weaker than other people, you are not. Just know that there are millions of other people out there just like you, but you know your own story the best so keep living it! By the way, I would say to not grant you're mother's wish. That'd be selfish of your mother. You can just try to help her out the best you can with your abilitys or go out and venture on you're own. Sorry if anything made more depressingness.

wow.. I honestly didn't expect anyone to reply this seriously since posts like mine often get ignored in some sites (not like I tried but well I just kind of assumed) but thanks.. I really appreciate you guys replying to this.. like I said, I just wanted to vent out so seeing some advises and encouragements really made me happy and well laugh for some reason..
My mind's a lot clearer now and I realized that yeah.. I just have to keep on living since it's not like I can do something else. As for mom, you guys are right. I just have to not let her words get to me and help her.
And don't worry if you guys thought that you sounded harsh because I honestly prefer that rather than the other, I mean I've heard enough sweet and mushy stuff from other people so yeah XD
I'm glad I posted in this site. Once again, thank you. I hope each of you have a good day. :D

>>5 Of course we would! You came here for help right? Well here it is! ^^

From what I've read, you're pretty strong. Just so you know, I've never cried at any deaths. (Both my parents are still alive though. I don't think I'll cry when they pass away too.) I've been having the same thoughts as you in this case.

Anyway, I'm truly glad, you're still staying strong ;)