For the past 6 years I've witnessed my family go from middle class to down right poor. I've seen my mother go from hard working to drug dealing to seeing her bleed because of an abusive alcoholic meth addicted boyfriend.
I've gone from mere child to parent within a year.
I am now 18. I've been house hopping between relatives, occasionally staying with my mother. I've been with her for 3 weeks now only because her second boyfriend broke her arm.
I'm tired. I'm tired of house hopping and feels the need to take care of everyone.
Part of me says I have to be the one to hold what little household I now have together. Part of me wants to disappear because I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I look at the family I'm staying with and observe them.
They have their routines and life settled. Their homes are peaceful and relaxed. But it feels foreign to me. The quietness makes me anxious.
Is someone dead?
I tell myself of course not. But the only time I heard anything quiet was after my mom was beaten.

Can anyone help me? Can anyone give me advice on how to deal with my internal battle of staying or leaving?

Hey ShinkaiH! I readed your story and Its really sad :( but the fact that you survived till now just proves how strong you are (i will never be able to do that)!
Leaving may seem the better option now but just think about this for a second. If you leave you may think that all of your problems will be solved but they wont! If you leave the problems will be gone just for a short while.
So i think that its hard for your mother as well. So i give you the advice to TALK to your mother and try to help and support each other. Keep being strong and don't give up easily!

From my point of view, it seems like your mother is the source of your problems. Based on that judgement, you have two choices: You either talk to your mother about it and find a way to erase your problems together, or you leave the house as well as your mother and you decide to experience our harsh society by yourself. The choice is yours.

I have spoken to my mother. She's fully aware about how Ive been feeling these last 6 years but things are still rocky between us.
I never had a dad, I had two mothers and we lived comfortably. But apparently our lifestyle was boring to my biological mother.
Our (non bio mom and i) ideal day was sitting at home relaxing watching tv. My bio mom's ideal day was partying until she was falling to the floor and throwing up everything, including her memories.
Due to our lifestyles clashing my mom began seeing another man for 2 years until we found out. My parents broke up and thats just the start of it all.
Another 2 years of abuse. After I had him arrested my mom literally 3 days after began dating his cousin. He was just as abusive since he grabbed my mom by her arm and threw her, breaking her arm.
I have no trust for this woman because after every fight and after "breaking up" she tells me "I'm just going to focus on us. I'm never dating them again."
2 Days later he's back.
This happened each time with each boyfriend. It comes to the point where I grow tired of calling the cops each time to arrest him, cause she'll only British him back.

I don't know why it says British when i meant to type bring

Oh... well since talking doesnt help... Your choice is to live but as >>3 said you will have to "experience our harsh society by yourself".

Thank you for your words though. It helped me think a bit easier with moving out since before the second I thought about it id became a worriedmess since I view my mother as my child, and it made me feel like...if i leave my mom, I'm basically leaving my child. But i know she's not my child or a child at all and I shouldn't have to feel bad for moving out.

Don't leave unless you know you have a place to go, otherwise you will truly have no where to belong.Your best bet is to let go of the past, and look at your present. What are you doing right now to make money, or get an education? If you aren't doing anything then you might want to get a job. Work as much as you can, it will probably help you forget some of the bad things in your past if your mind is at work. Not only is it something for you to do, it's another place you can belong. Once you establish a stable life, then you can start worrying about other things. By stable I mean you have a place to live, and you have enough income to survive.

I'm currently seeking employment since I wasn't ready to go to college straight after high school (i just graduated in june). I do have a couple places I can go to but because I feel like I don't belong there I try not to stay for more than 3-4 days. Maybe a month ago I had this ideal fantasy of disappearing. Pack my things and just walk out the door. I wouldn't tell anyone where I was going cause I wouldn't even know myself.

I've always had it bad, my whole family did. We grew up as normal people with gypsy rules because...well... We have gypsy in us. We each had the very sMe things happen to us, in each generation. We each never got a long. And with each generation came separation. Your family may be quiet and semingly broken... But somewhere still there lies a flame. I don't want to get your hopes up but I don't want to disappoint. I tried-- it ended with mum choosing a man over me and tossing me out on the street.

So... try. Try and make it different for them. The only difference I made was stopping men beat on my mother~! She was ungrateful, but my family has liars and backstabbers. Try, because I know your family is different. Make your mother realize she needs to leave those sort of men, because whatever I did didn't help. I held a knife for that woman and drove her and my brothers far away for her protection. Just please don't give up in them...

Not until they give you up.