I think the name of the title is all the introduction I need. Hahaha... The next couple paragraphs are introductions.

I've recently been burning myself to cope with my 'condition'. Let's not talk about the burning just yet; let's talk about the depression itself. Apparently I am very critical of myself. Whatever the fuck that means. Basically, I have extremely high expectations for myself. Some would say that's a good thing, but I'm lazy and sad nowadays. I set goals that I just can't meet anymore. I lost interest in school, friends, sports, clubs, and poetry (my life blood). That doesn't go well with my personality. Which should be a given, because I'm burning (I'm trying to be funny...play along please). Because I've been falling behind my expectations, I've been stressed to hell.

When I get home, all I want to do is sleep. School is hell; hell is my second home. The ferryman gives me discounts; Cerberus is my lapdog. Enough with the metaphors and semicolons. My point is, the work load sky rocketed this year. I thought I could handle a few APs, but damn! They didn't tell you about stress that comes with it. Maybe they did, but my opinion of myself changed. I thought I was tough shit, school wise. Now, I'm not sure. To help me feel better, a friend told me "There's always someone better." That doesn't help! I'm already comparing myself to others! That did cause me to burn. It was when someone told me, "Nothing bothers you." God, did that hurt. Satan, rather (forgive my puns). I've been hiding my problems so well, that someone told me I don't have them. It wasn't meant to be hostile. Hell, it was a joke that I played along with. Man, do I regret that. I wasn't going to make a scene or anything; that's just not me.

The burn marks hurt. They get agitated really easily, and that just makes me want to burn again. They make me feel worthless. Every time I think, "I did this. I must be some bastard. Might as well do it again or kill myself." And it doesn't help that my parents found out. I'm getting therapy sure, but now I can't help but feel that I failed them. But now, I'm crying at everything. Especially shit about getting help. I'm a very independent person, or at least try to be. It's hard to ask for help, and in realizing that, I get sad when people do. Nothing wrong about that.

Basically, I'm asking for help. I keep on gets these urges, am being emotionally unstable, and there's no way I can think about myself in a positive way. I'm losing myself. How do I cope with this? Do I distract myself til the next therapy appointment? Try focusing on the postie stuff? Any other ideas? I'm trying my best, nothing is really working. Any suggestions?

Thanks.

Let's see... where does one even find the words to respond with. Hmm how about I'm sorry that reality sucks. People tell us to grow up and put us through the ringer woth out any regard for our emotional stability. Schools pile on enough homework to cripple a camel and then wonder why the numbering kids hospitalized each year is going up at an exponential rate.

Hmmm the best I can say is I'm sorry and smile, the world isn't as bad as youbthink.

Fake tears may hurt others but fake smiles hurt only yourself. But then again, it's a good day to be a masochist. I'll smile. Also,tThe world may not be as bad as I think, but if it's even 5% of the place I think it is, then it's still sucks.

You get to a point where you find your limits. You can't really do a whole lot about having limits, you have your own skills and that's not going to change drastically. You just have to accept that you can't do everything you think you can do.

I am in the process of this. I am in University and I have found my limits. I can't do math anymore like I used to be able to. Same goes for science, computers...I used to be really good at all of them. I'm going to brag, I was the best in my school. However, where I am now, so was everyone else.

For the first month or so of University, I felt stupid. That was the feeling I had all the time. I had a constant numbing feeling that I was garbage, and it got reinforced every time I started reading something or learning something. If I didn't learn it right away, I thought of how dumb that made me and how everyone else probably got it right away.

That didn't help anything at all. I was (and still am, to a point) completely miserable about how horrible I was compared to what I thought I should be. What I'm saying is, you are getting to a point where things are difficult. A lot of people can't handle it. You aren't the only one stressing about it.

However, from your description, I don't think you've really found your limits yet. I think you're probably used to relatively easy marks compared to how much work you do. In AP, you really have to work to understand what is being taught, a lot harder than in regular courses. I think you've found the limit of what you can do with little effort. Honestly, it's really hard to be able to just start working hard when you haven't had to before.

How to cope with it? There's no easy way. I still have that feeling now when I do work that I should be able to do it really easily. I don't know if it ever really 'goes away'. You just learn to deal with it a bit better. The best help for me is working with other people. When you see they are in the same boat as you, you don't feel so bad about it anymore. At least, that worked for me.

tl;dr - Accept that you have limits, and don't let this affect your work/life. You're smarter than you think; just because you aren't performing as well when the work is a lot harder doesn't change that.

It's good to know that I'm not alone. I will definitely try doing some study groups. And I do agree, I need to find to find my limits and try to work harder. You're right, it's not easy. Thank you for your advice and kind words.