Let me just get started. My ex boyfriend, let's call him David, is someone very dear to my. We were going out for about seven months last year and broke up in May. I met him sophomore year at the homecoming dance. I was alone and my friend just pushed us together and we both started dancing. It was awkward at first but I enjoyed it. It was then that a crush was formed. I say it was only a crush because he told me that day that he had originally planned on asking some girl to the dance but that she was taken. It hurt but I reminded myself that I had just met the guy and it was just a simple crush. After the dance we didn't really talk or anything, because I never saw him in school or anything.

So later on that year, I met another ex of mine. Let's call him Austin. Austin was a junior at that time and he was sending me some pretty strong signals that he wanted to be in a relationship with me. I look back now and I realized that I had rushed into our relationship and I ended up breaking up with him 3 months later. He was my first boyfriend and even after all this time he still means a lot to me. I felt bad for breaking up with him because a rushed relationship wasn't the only reason I wanted to break up with him. I wanted to break up with him because for some crazy unknown reason, I couldn't stop thinking about David.

Second semester of sophomore year I had David in one of my classes. I was beyond surprised because I didn't even know he was in my grade. I got to see him more and get to know him a bit better through extra curricular activities as well. At the end of sophomore year I felt like my heart wanted to explode every time he was near me. On the last day of school that year, he walked me home and I hugged him so tightly and for a bit longer that usual. I didn't know if he liked me then, but if I wasn't obvious enough, I liked him a lot.

The beginning of junior year went by fast, and before I knew it, me and David started going out in October after it took me forever to sort through emotions at that time. I was beyond happy and I felt like he was the one I definitely loved. Towards the end of junior year was when things got bad. My ex, Austin was graduating. Like I've said before, I care about Austin, I really do, but not it "that" way anymore. It made me sad to think that Austin was leaving and that I might never see him again. I was so depressed and when David would always ask me what was wrong, and he tried so hard to make me feel better, I would push him away. I pushed him away because I didn't want to tell him the truth. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and I felt that if I told him how I felt he would be devastated. I felt horrible because David was supposed to be my #1, yet here I was constantly thinking about some other guy from the past. I couldn't take the guilt anymore, so I was selfish yet again and I broke up with David. I went home and cried my heart out.

That was last May. I was too ashamed and too much of a coward that I couldn't face him. When he asked why, I couldn't tell him the entire truth. I just told him that I couldn't be with him if I was thinking about someone else. I apologize so much, again and again, over and over and over again. He thanked me for being his first girlfriend and that broke my heart even more.

So this year at homecoming which was a few weeks ago, I cried because I wanted to dance with him. The whole night I couldn't stop thinking about him. During the last half hour of the dance I couldn't hold it in anymore and I ran up behind him and hugged him. I cried so hard and I couldn't keep it in anymore. He hugged me back and said that everything was alright and that he forgave me but I couldn't say anything else but "I'm sorry."
I told him that I still loved him and he said he loved me too. He said that it was alright and that it was in the past and that he got over it. That's when I realized that he meant what he said when he said he loved me, but not in "that" way, anymore. I felt like I didn't even have a heart to break anymore. I felt like I had died right there. But he didn't understand what I meant, and even if he did, I don't think he'd ever love me in 'that' way again. So at the end of the dance he tried to cheer me up and I calmed down and tried to act normal, even though I was dying to scream in agony. Right before I left, I told him I was leaving and hugged him. It caught him by surprise and he hesitantly hugged me back. I pulled away quickly, because I wanted to give him a goodbye and thank you kiss on the cheek. When he realized this he tried to gently push me away and he said "no." I still managed to kiss his cheek. He probably thought that I was trying to 'kiss kiss' him, like a real kiss. After I quickly kissed him I hugged him again and said "sorry." before quickly leaving. He probably misunderstood my intentions and now that's been bugging me. If he approaches me and asks why I did that, I don't think he'd believe me. I know this is messed up and I know that I sound like a desperate whiny brat right now, but could someone please help me figure out what's wrong with me? What should I do? I just want him to be happy and if that involves removing myself from the picture then I'll gladly do it. Please help.

You should have explained him the stuff with Austin back then.
Since you broke up with him so "suddenly", he must have been really confused and hurt back then. He already got over it by himself and has his own thoughts about it, so I can't really say anything because I can't know if it will really help.
The only thing is that you could sometimes answer his questions, I am pretty sure he has a LOT of them about what happened back there. You will maybe even get together again depending on how you do and the things will go. Good luck.
Well, good luck.

hello this is from a male perspective.

I honestly think that you should tell him the truth, and if he doesn't believe it oh well you got it off your chest and that alone should make you feel a little better. As for the whole kiss part I know exactly how you feel as I'm kinda the male counterpart to you. (weird huh?) any way If you can't "tell" him with words then do it another way. Show him the words you typed in this thread.

I would love to stick around and chat some more but I have a practice SAT to study for (man junior year sucks doesn't it?) Hope this helped, bye!

Male perspective

I'm just going to put myself in David's shoes for a second
And I feel that he was, as >>2 said, very hurt and confused when you broke up with him. He was also probably feeling very hurt, since you only said to him that you couldn't be with him when you were thinking of someone else...
Such a statement can destroy us guys, and it probably destroyed him as well.

But one thing I want to say is... I doubt he will come to ask you why you did that.. um what I say may be harsh, but he may be way too angry/hurt by you to think deeply enough to come after you to find out.

I think I understand. I really fucked up didn't I? What do you suggest I do then? Should I just leave him alone? Would that be best? As I said before, I just want HIM to be happy. I'd do anything for his happiness.

May... Do you still love him?

Yes

Well let him get to know you, try getting him to do things with him and supporting him but not as a friend but a girl that knows what she wants. Friend zone isn't the best way but as a crush.

Then tell him. You don't have to do it directly. But let him know that you still live him and tell him everything you have told us. If you can't say it then printout everything you wrote here and slip it into his locker or backpack.

yo May. just thought I would check up on you. How are you? How are things with above mentioned situation?