Hey there, people. I seem to have myself a little problem. Shit has hit the fan in my life, and that hypothetical shit is splattering all over the place.
To begin this partial-rant. Let me explain that advice is not exactly being requested here, but if there's any form of advice you can give me, then please feel free to share.

Life is nothing but a big waste of time. We live each day like we live the last day, but with a 50-50 chance of the day being a little bit BETTER than said last-day, or the day being a hell of a lot worse. With this 'theory' applied, that means your first day of existence would be the best day of your entire life. The best day you will ever experience is the day you fly out of your mothers innards and scream bloody-murder at seemingly nothing, as you begin the slow and agonizing process of dying. The years of living yet to come can only get worse, as speckles of pain and torment speckle and streak the patterns of speech, movement, neural relays, and thoughtless thoughts you call your existence.

Now imagine yourself standing on a giant game-board. The next dice-roll you make, is either going to affect you in a good way, or affect you in a mind-bendingly traumatic way. Let's say you roll a one. Darn. You're feeling pretty bad about how you only got to move one space. Guess what. You felt bad. It affected you in a negative way. You may not feel negatively towards that minuscule roll four or five rolls later, but that feeling of worthlessness you felt about rolling that 1 still lingers with you deep within your soul.
Now imagine that you continue rolling large numbers until you're almost the victor of this board game. Everything has gone well, and nothing has stood in your way. But then you're two spaces away from triumph. The only space that lies between you and achievement is a space that has the power to ruin the game for you, or make you scream in agony at the fact you were so incredibly close to victory and somehow managed to lose anyway. You think to yourself: "There's no way in HELL I could possibly land on that space." Guess what happens next? You roll a 1. Now, what cruel and unrelenting force would DARE cause that die to roll a 1? Why on earth would you have rolled such an atrocious number at this high-point in your board-game life? Did the neurological shitstorm you call a brain decide to will that die into rolling one-too-many times and land on the number that may very well be the bane of your entire existence? We'll never know because we're just little specks of worthlessness in an endless sandy beach called the Universe.

Like I mentioned before, the brain is basically a neurological shitstorm. It's constantly working to make some sense out of a meaningless life. It sits comfortably inside your skull just projecting thoughts, images, impulses, desires, ideas, and even noises throughout your body at the staggering speed of INSTANTANEOUS. What if your brain decides to think up the image of your friend Bobby's penis? Why did your brain do that? Why on earth would your brain think that up at random. What if that penis isn't even close to what Bobby's penis looks like? If that were the case, then nothing is really wrong. It's completely natural to imagine. But what if that image is spot-on with how his penis actually looks. How would you ever know unless you convinced yourself into seeing his penis in real-life. That's kind of a perfect example of how our puny human brains function. We get hooked on a certain idea and would do practically anything to just get a confirmation on whether or not the idea was mind-rottingly stupid, or brain-explodingly genius. (Or in this case, is your wrinkly thought-ball's depiction of Bobby's penis accurate, or is it just a hallucination caused by thinking about Bobbys penis)

We as humans are both powerful, and mushy as pudding. At one moment we can be disturbingly strong and able, and at another we can be completely worthless and docile. Humans are basically a plague to other humans. If one person is feeling strong and able, maybe another person will feel the same way. Then another person, then another person, then another person, until everybody on earth is feeling strong and able. But: a quarter of the way through the assimilation of strongness and ableness, another man is feeling worthless and pudding-ey. There are now colliding waves of strength, and pudding. Strength VS. Pudding: Humanity's Greatest Battle.

This essay-like rant was supposed to continue for a solid five more paragraphs, but I've realized that most of you readers' neurological shitstorms are unable to finish this entire compilation of words. Not because your neurological shitstorms are telling you not to, but because this entire post is basically the outcome of a neurological shitstorm. My brain thought of this entire post while I was sitting on my bed staring at the wall feeling sorry for myself because I was feeling like life was worthless. Which, in it's own way, is what inspired me to type this frantically living off of an hour of sleep in the past 2 days.

I look back at the beginning of the post and notice I wrote a little bit about advice. How the hell would you give advice to a person who's simply sitting here babbling on about seemingly pointless things. Hell. If I were the normal human being reading this, I'd feel pretty intrigued about the mental stability of this post. (To find that out, simply notice how pointless it is. This post has no purpose. No goal, Nothing. It's just me. Ranting on about NOTHING)

That's just the thing. This post is ranting about how the world is NOTHING. How we are NOTHING. We are but specks of dust waiting to decay and rot into the air. I need help. I need something to tell me that humanity ISNT worthless. That I'M not worthless. Anyway. Enough madness. If anyone actually read through this post, congrats. You win a free bagel.

*Ding*

Do you think you're the only one who thinks like this? I'm pretty sure many of us, especially me.

Anyway, I don't really know what to say but damn you seem interesting. Maybe look into certain philosophical theories - I have a feeling that will interest you.

I get that we really are nothing. Earth WILL NOT matter. Most days I hope humanity is wiped out because we are disgusting savages who only care for ourselves and something as stupid as money. But there is always light, as cheesy as it sounds. We may not matter, we may be nothings, but at least we have some power. We can feel empty and sad, but we can also feel ecstacy and love! If you think about it, life is just weird. It's unsusual. We can plan as much as we want but it's not going to go to plan (not all of it, anyway). But that's the beauty of it! Isn't it so exciting?

We don't matter, but that just means we have less pressure to be SOMETHING. Go out, have fun. Stop caring about what people think, you know?

Maybe I'm just easily please. But there is so much beauty on our shit-stained planet that most of us seem to forget when we focus entirely on being nothing.

I dunno man, might as well make the most of our short time here.

That was actually really interesting, I'm intrigued that other people think like this too. Your head seemed to be pretty messed up when you wrote this, your views will probably calm down a bit later.
One thing I should ask is why you're certain our life is meaningless. I'm not trying to be optimistic or anything but there's so much uncertainty and things we don't understand that it's always possible, we simply don't know. And another thing is that the big picture might not only include this world and existence we're in, we don't know how many levels there are.
"There's always another factor." As much as we'd like to think that we understand our position it's highly unlikely that we take everything into account.
Well anyway feel free to rant again because I found it interesting.

Ok so I feel like I have a mind like this. I believe your way of thinking is pin pointed to a negative. You think on it more then others would. I mean each day we are dying more but we are still alive. Life is a process in which there is ups and down. But I mean its all that bad. Think of this like a cause and effect. A massive rain may cause a flood, but at most points don't you get a rainbow? With this cycle days may seem the same. You may believe you are repeating a process. But in reality each day is different. It may be better then the last or it may be worse. Life is exactly that, we can't really control out so called fate. And we can't stop time or relive our greatest day. But its life. Its just how you live it that matters.

Alright people. It's time for yet another neurological shitstorm to appear. In recent hours, I have yet again taken up the habit of smoking Camel 99's when I'm depressed. Now, keep in mind, I have not yet been addicted to any form of substance, and fully intend to never become addicted. But alas, if I smoke every time I'm feeling depressed, I would go through a pack a day.

Now, I know smoking is 'baaaaad' and 'caaaaancerous' and 'wrooooooong' but you know what, it calms my nerves enough to not plummet from the top of the google headquarters. Anyway. That's not so much the point of this particular rant.

Life, as I have mentioned previously, is a ball of worthlessness. Along with the people who claim to have said life. Through my travels, I have seen many faults in humanities existence.

1) The illusion of power. Now, I know we pitiful creatures attempt to convey that we have a form of human potential. Yet I feel as though, with being meaningless fleshbags, we have no power. We are but pawns in some form of higher scheme.

2)Human ignorance and overconfidence. People often times feel as though they have a higher knowledge or skill of a specific action/subject in the calm-before-the-storm moment before their pathetic fall from grace.

3)Humans. We, as human beings, live for certain goals. Strive towards a higher place among other human beings. Then we claim to desire equality. We are all lying, stealing, cheating, foolish hypocrites who deserve nothing more than extinction.

Okay. That whole 'extinction' bit was probably a bit too extreme. But in a way, certain human beings very well SHOULD be extinct. Such as those who lust for superiority over other human beings who are far more compassionately evolved than them.

Anyway. More random psychobabble will be coming soon.
(By the way, are these rants even worth reading. Please let me know. So I can know whether or not to stop posting.)

If you hate life why can't you kill yourself? Because your afraid to die of course. The point is you really want to live, it's just that some things keeps bothering you because you keep on thinking about it. If life don't have ups and downs your dead. Right? Why choose death? You keep on living because you want to. Don't blame yourself it's the world who made this.

I really like this thread. I´m incredibly bad at putting my thoughts and feelings into words so I won´t even try it because it would take me hours and still wouldn´t be satisfied with what I wrote. That´s why I hate myself. I just don´t see a point in anything aka life is meaningless and I don´t like that 99 % of people don´t understand my attitude. "Why aren´t you going to drink with us?" Why would I? I wouldn´t enjoy it why does everyone in my life want me to drink alcohol and why do I get insulted as a pussy if I don´t want to. Why is everyone judging me for not wanting to get my drivers license with 17 or for staying in my room all day doing nothing but use games, anime and the internet to keep me busy in some way. A lot of times I only leave home so people shut up about me never going out. Why doen´t people understand that I don´t want to visit my grandmother do drink fucking tea and talk? What do they want me to talk about? About Dark Souls? About Gurren Lagann? About Iron Maiden? Shit people know me why do they want me to do meaningless shit I don´t even want to do? For example at a family members birthday party, why the hell do people ask me why I don´t talk much? If you want me to talk to you talk to me. Don´t spent the evening talking to the other adults and then after a few hours say shit like "You were so silent"
Sorry for seeming like someone isn´t able to get along in society. I actually am but I just felt like ranting about shit in my life getting on my nerves. I wanted to write about something different, no I actually didn´t want to write about it but at least I could kill some time.
I´m not even gonna read what I wrote, I ll just post it. It didn´t really fit the topic of the thread, I guess but again, originally I wanted to write about something else. My thoughts are kind fucked up right now sorry. lol
ohh and OP write more please it really made me think about life and myself and shit even if I look like an idiot at this point. But as I mentioned before, I m horrible at expressing my thoughts and feelings so people will probably misunderstand me but who cares.

I dont concern my self worth to anyone but myself. Fuck everything and anyone who would look down on me, because you can cheet anyone in life exept yourself. I do this, hell I do what I want cus im confident in anything I do, if I fuck up so what? As long as I can breath I can win, and I fucking win nomater what. Im always at the brink of loosing my job, home, money but I always find a way to turn it around because I never cheet myself, never surender. Its not an easy life always busting your ass to just make it. But my life is still full of fun and exitement, wonderful memorrys. You can do the same cus your a hell of a lot smarter than me.

I don't know if what Im going to tell you might help, but things black and white is easier to be comfortable in than in a sea of grey.
Imagine a one line axis that represents how you live your life, to the far left are the people of the tribe, they live and die by the standards of society in which they have adapted to and are strictly into preserving it as in the case of Venundreb.
Nearing the middle are the people who are, or could be members of society, but either are obnoxious, despise it, ignore it or etc. In this middle area the people are more aware of society, but are in pain, because they can't become a part of it for various reasons. The middle people are a miserable bunch because they sway between being a part of society and hating it, but not finding a proper grip of anything.
Finally there are is the other side of the axis, the right side (not necessarily good, its just for the theory). Its probably clear to understand that its the side where society makes the least impact on ones life. The further you are on this side the more you can retake what society doesnt let you have. Wanted to parkour but noone ever does it in your neighborhood and you're afraid people going to make fun of you? Well, this side is where stuff like that doesnt matter, the only thing you need is the willpower to lead your own life.
In truth its much more blurry and complicated than this axis theory. But I can imagine most of the people who read this might rather be on the right side of the axis (double entendre not intended) than adapt to the left. Its a slippery slope, because humans are social creatures, civilization was built because of society, to discard society would mean to live ignorant of everything people built this far, buts thats sort of precisely why its a slippery slope, imagine a world where there is no family, friendship or any sort of meaningful human interaction, it would be a barren world of mistrust and individual war if I can take the term "society" that far. If society is something people hold on to, what can you hold onto if there wouldnt be any society? (probably religion, where the heck does that fit in?) Therefore I'm not telling you to discard society, nor distance yourself from everyone and become a shut in, but to broaden your awareness of what society really is. This might be hard to get but listen. Identify everything you know of the people you think are the extreme left part of the axis, its trends, their life and everyday matters as one part of society, and then make yourself believe that there are all kinds of other people that it can consist in an extended version of that society, even history tells of the weirdest people like the greek Aesop, and they, in this case even you, are simply a part of the same society as everyone, as you were not the first, nor alone. Those left people can have their trends, demands and lifestyles, and its just because they are a part of something you chose to get over with, they might never realize why, and thats probably because in today's society, things like being in the positive or right (again, no pun intended) spectrum of the axis is not noticed, so how could it be accepted?
Im pretty sure whatever this is I wrote is just part creative writing part experience talk, and both of those could be fiction. In the end its all something you yourself have to think about. So go outside in your underpants and meditate on how the grass moves just because you can, and dont let others bother you, I never said its an instantaneous process, its an axis after all.

Man, I like this thread. Really need it at some point..

I didn't read all the replies yet. But ill tell you this. Humans NEED to feel at least a little bit important to survive. You wrote this to become important... I'm guessing you are probably at your edge right now but don't feel bad, your not alone. I also post to feel important in a way.

I finished it, guess i got a decent neurological shit-storm goin' on up here xD.

anyway, in a sense, life is a board game. sometimes you can have the best hand in the world, got your cards all in line, have to roll the dice, and end up losing it all for no good damned reason. but, i think that's the point.

I don't think just about anyone plays a 'board game' if they don't enjoy it to some extent. and sometimes shit happens, and ya just gotta make the best outve what ya have. maybe right now, life looks like a really fucking stupid game with next to no rules and a bunch of assholes for players, and ya just wanna ragequit.

For the past freaking month and a half i know ive felt that way. that maybe if there was some sort of quite button on life, id go ahead and press it already. but, for some reason or another, I couldn't do it. was I just too scared to do it? no one would honestly care one way or another if i was gone, right? and even if i did go and do it, theyd be sad for a week and get over it. I sat for a long, long while thinking about it...and what i decided in the end was, that life might be cruel and short, and full of all sorts of things, but the last thing I wanted was for the 'burden' of life itself to win. fuck, if i was gonna be stuck in this world one way or another, i might as well enjoy it! id always wanted to go to japan, eat all of the several hundred flavors of kit-kat they have, go to a maid-cafe and flirt with the cute girls there, have fun in the arcades, make new friends, visit the shrines.

and i guess thats sorta what i do now when life gets me down- rather than think about how bad it could be, or what other people thought, i tell myself i might as well have fun with this crazy-ass game we're all stuck in, and try and get something out've it for myself while im at it.

You guys are the best, you know that? So, I've been doing more thinking. And for the record, this thinking was on a slightly more positive note than normal. I've looked at my lifes' ups and downs. Although the downs outweigh the ups by a staggeringly catastrophic landslide, the quality and enjoyment brought from those oh-so-few ups HEAVILY outweigh the downs I previously thought so daunting.

Now, I am still concerned about my mental state of being. I have noticed that I have grown extremely pessimistic thanks to my recent encounters with my feelings of worthlessness. Guess it's yet another NEUROLOGICAL SHITSTORM.

I have come to notice several other things about humanity: We are deceitful little buggers, aren't we?
I've never heard of an animal that lies, cheats, contorts the truth, or slaughters savagely for the reasons we humans do. We fleshy balls of...Well, flesh, tend to do horrible things for reasons as simple as "I was scared to tell mom I broke a vase!" Why couldn't you just tell your mom "Mom. I broke the vase. All punishment you give me is well deserved." How hard is that? EXTREMELY.

We are afraid of consequences. We are afraid of the inevitable. I believe that's why all the newer religions were formed. (Now, please don't get pissed about me for dissing a religion in particular. I don't personally discriminate against religious beliefs or religions themselves, but I do have theories that I more or less hold to.)
NOTICE: Christianity is a religion in which your life, when over, will be shifted into one of two places for the rest of eternity. Heaven, or hell.

Notice that Christianity is one of the few religions out there nowadays that fully imply a severe punishment for sinning. (This punishment, as all people know, is being thrown into an ever-burning pit of fire.)
It seems human beings are more likely to flee from Christianity to join a simpler religion or even go without religion just to avoid hell. Now, I don't believe in the slightest that this is a valid reason, yet in a way it's somewhat logical. Wouldn't it be easier to avoid the thought of burning eternally with no cease, rather than accept in and risk winding up there?

ANYWAY. My thoughts on religion are extremely screwed up right now, so it's probably not the best idea for me to be discussing that sort of thing. I don't want any more enemies than I already have.

Now, another thought about humans innate need to avoid dangerous situations. We human beings seemingly have a biological sense that tells us to be horrible creatures. If you live your entire life in captivity, and are set free to the wild wild world, your mind will either distort itself into thinking everyone is out to get you, or you'll just wind up batshit insane.

God. I am WAY too tired to be talking nonsense anymore. I feel like my babbling is growing even more pointless and misconstrued. Maybe I should stop? Nah. I've got one or two more points to cover.

I've always wondered: What sick and twisted buffoon decided it was a good idea to cut himself because he's depressed. I have been the victim of my own neurological shitstorm telling me that I should take my carpenters knife and run it juuuuuust barely along my arm so that I bleed.
"Oh man. That makes me feel better" My shitstorm says as blood begins trickling onto the floor.

I sincerely wish I could find the idiot who decided to tell his depressed friends all about how 'Inflicting even MORE pain upon yourself actually makes you feel a bit better', and slap his face repeatedly until he dropped his razorblade.

Actually, I don't really want to know WHY he thought it helped him, I just want to know how that form of dealing with soul-crushing despair became a regular ordeal with depressed folk. My first thought after I had slit my wrist clean open was "How the FUCK IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?"

And yet look. The neurological shitstorm sitting pretty inside my skull sure as hell thought it was a good idea at the time.

That's my point. There it is. Our brains. My brain seems to have a telepathic connection with those around me, and vice-versa. If that one dude (Or dudette. Whatever.) who generally 'invented' cutting oneself during depression hadn't ever thought of that. I'm almost certain the habit would never have arisen. But his/her neurological shitstorm told him/her it was a good idea. So after a while, almost everyone who is depressed or dealing with severe anxiety is reaching for that fancy new razorblade in the hardware store, wondering how it would feel cutting into your puny. Human. Flesh.

...Holy shit. I even disturbed MYSELF with that one. But the thought still remains. We humans are but piles of worthless filth who thrive off of each other to the point where we all ASSUME we have independence and individuality, when in reality, it's just the whole of our Neurological Shitstorms working together to produce those false-thoughts.

Eh. I think I'll just stop talking before everyone stops listening.

Okay. Sorry. That last post was a bit off and against many peoples--including my--beliefs. My neurological shitstorm was telling me all these things. Feeding me all these ideas. When in reality all I wanted to emphasize was that we as human beings assume we have individuality, when in reality that's just an illusion our brains tell us to help us cope with the fact that we're all powerless lumps of meat.

Anyway. Heres a bagel.

*Ding*

Ok. I know. I'm sorry. This will be the last post of the night.
I just figured it may be a good idea for me to share a little backstory on why I think this world is out to get me.

My childhood was easy. It was beyond easy. My parents weren't separated, they didn't fight. They were great. But then came 8th Grade. I was happily living my life as a giddy little schoolboy when my parents started having trouble. To this day I still have no idea why it would possess them to do such a thing, but, they left me. Not abruptly, I should add, but systematically. They moved out. Let me live alone for however many years. They visited frequently of course, but not enough to really make me feel like I had parents who loved me.

To cope with this, I spent a lot of time on the internet. I learned many things I probably shouldn't have, yet did anyway. (Oh, the bliss of adolescence)
While perusing Chat sites (This one in particular was a site similar to DRRR in it's form of anonymity and such) I met a girl. She was a month or so younger than me, and was as friendly as could be. Her name was Amy Richter. I found out she lived fairly close to me, after many-a-facetime/skype call. We met up. Became good friends. Eventually began dating.
Amy was blonde, with dashing blue eyes. Her pale skin was that of an angels', seemingly reflecting sunlight. By the end of 8th grade, and late into my Freshman year of high school, I had fallen deeply in love with those blue eyes. We were soon lost in a tangled web of romance and glee. It wasn't until late November that I had learned a horrid fact. Her father had found a job far far away, in Berlin, Germany. They left almost immediately. The entire family. As if them leaving was bad enough.

I face-timed/skyped Amy almost every night, and assumed she was living happily, until she raised her bare arm up to adjust her cutesy blonde hair. I saw many many scars. Too many. We talked heatedly about those scars, and how Amy was miserable in her new home. She spoke barely any German, and was teased constantly for GOD KNOWS WHAT. I thought I had helped her through that phase for a while. Until I found out she would be visiting me for my schools' Spring Break.

It was the night before the day she was scheduled to leave for America. She was very happy, or so I thought. After we had discussed what we would do while she was here, she broke down. Tears were visible as they streaked down her face, sounds of sobs filling my ears. She explained, rather grimly, that she would rather die, then come here and experience two weeks of heaven, only to go back to an almost eternal hell. I tried to tell her it would all be okay. But of course that didn't work. She leaned in closer to the camera, whispered a bone-chilling
"I love you."
And sent a knife deep into her throat. I screamed in agony as I watched everything we had ever done together fade out of her lifeless blue eyes. This event changed me.

This. Isn't even the worst of my life-story thus far. Long after this incident, I met Cassandra Nova Lee. (Her real middle name is actually Marie. But Nova combined with Cassy makes a rather fun effect)

Cassy changed my life for the better. She was the sparkling diamond in my sea of angst, and I was happy. I was very close with her cousin, Kristyn, who lived in Spokane.
Kristyn had recently fallen down the stairs while moving into her new house, and was suffering from minor amnesia. So, as a result, Cassy drove there to take care of her. The whole ordeal was rather heartwarming. Until I stopped hearing from Cassy for a few days after she said she was on her way home.

Turns out, a drunk driver was carelessly speeding down the highway in a hick-town along the way. This asshole careened into the wrong side of the road and hit Cass' car. I waited for days in angst, only to find that she had not been fortunate enough to survive this crash.

This was my breaking point.

Life was nothing but...Well...Nothing. I saw everything differently. I was constantly finding ways to hurt myself, try to mask the pain. Let my neurological shitstorm talk me into thinking it was a good idea to attempt suicide.

I was literally, and figuratively, screwed.
But then I realized something.

I should not cry because two loves of mine had died horribly without me even having the chance to say goodbye, but instead I should smile because of all the amazing experiences we shared together.

And that's where I am now. Lost in a Tidal Wave of Mystery. Attempting to find a place in this world that won't chew me up and spit me out with more sorrows than when I jumped in.
That's kind of why I've spent more time on Dollars BBS. People here understand each other to a greater extent than most. And that's why I love each and every one of you.

This is not a sob-story. This is an account. I don't want pity. I don't want false words of encouragement. I want something with more substance. I want to blend in with this sea of grey and black. Hopefully I'll find my place somewhere in here.

Did I mention I can also toast that bagel for only one installment of $0.00??? WHAT A BARGAIN.

*Ding*

Dude, write a book. And thanks for 4 free baggels <3.

if you keep looking, you're gonna find that place for you in this world. black and white, or gray and dull, you'll find that place. this isn't just some fan-website. its a place with a people and a purpose. find your goal, and lets see us meet it to the fullest!

Hey ya'll. Another post. Tonights topic is: LOVE.

Now, due to me being pretty much entirely and undeniably dead inside, this entire concept scares the living hell out of me.

I'm used to looking at a person, thinking "Oh. You are also a human being. Perhaps we should discuss the weather or whatever it is normal people talk about." But on occasion, I look at someone I (Previously) thought about in that way whom I've talked to frequently and spent plenty of time with....And my heart gets all jumpy and I begin thinking "Shit. Why the hell do I feel this way about someone like you?"
Now, when I feel the concept of 'Love' coming over me, I begin to panic. I think things such as: "Goddammit why am I such a worthless loser?", "Goddammit why do I feel so emotional all of a sudden?", "What are my chances of getting laid? Isn't that what boys should be caring about?", "Is this love or gas?" and of course the all famous, "Do you love me back?". There are more, of course. Too many to list. But these are some of the major ones. And, to note, all of these questions tend to swarm in every second I'm around the person I'm feeling awkwardly in love with.

These feelings wouldn't be as big of a deal if the girls I fall for are always people who I know I shouldn't be falling for.
FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOU CARE TO OBSERVE:
1.) The girl who once dated one of my best friends who just recently started acknowledging my existence and hanging out with me. She was about to move to Texas when I began falling head-over-heels for her.

2) The girl who wronged and shamed me in almost every way. Of course, this love was cut short when the wronging and shaming began happening.

3.) My coworker who is two years older than me, who I probably shouldn't have an interest in, but still have an unmitigated soft-spot for. She's my current 'target' if you will, and shows almost-maybe-a little mutual interest in me. There are many reasons I fell for her, but I can't exactly say since I don't want to be telling stories that are not for me to tell.

The list goes on. But anyway. Point being. Despite being an empty pit of solemnity and despair, I still feel the crippling blows of wanting to snuggle up with someone and watch star wars and kiss for the rest of eternity.

BAGELS, YO. (Is it okay if I make this thread a form of free-response-blog? Or is that against the rules?)

Love oh love, that terrible and yet so sweet feeling.

Some times I wish to knew why we fall in love with certain people. But then I fear it would crack the universe and bring the end of the world... so I stop wishing for such things.

Love is strange, but even in my most painful days I can say to myself, it is better to love and not being able to. It means I am alive, it means there is still hope.

Most of my feelings and wishes died long time ago, I can't recall wanting something material in a long time, a big part of me is empty. But there are some parts that still live, and being able to love is one of them. Better then the sex and kisses, better then the romantic afternoons, I believe that waking up at the side of a person you love is the best thing I ever felt. Also something that I lost recently... If I didn't fell in love i would not be in pain now, but, I still rather this pain then not having felt it at all.

It's hard to try, it's hard to start, it's hard to keep. It's always hard, never easy, but some times, some very rare times, the hard becomes easy, if there is a will there is a way.

So fight on, one day you will make it good. Is it today, is it tomorrow? Can't tell, what I can tell is that if one does not try, one does not get.

I agree with this whole thread. . .humans are just worthless creatures that are guided by greed and wrath (mostly) and the only reason we dont kill ourselves is because we are afraid. . but what are we afraid of. . death,death itself or what comes after death,its because nobody know what truly happens,do we watch over our loved ones or do we float in an endless abyss. . nobody truly know. . oh well.I still ask the same question,What is the purpose of our existance?

I happen to feel extremely differently!
Statistically, if tomorrow is 50% better or 50% worse, there is a 50% chance that the second day of your life is 150% as good as your first, and then another 50% that the third day will be 200% better than the first, so technically your reasoning is a bit negative.
Let's not assign statistical values to existential debates just yet, though. It lets things get quite messy!

If you'd let me identify a 'problem' or try and give some 'advice' to help point your life philosophy towards a little more positivity, I'd ask you to stop caring about yourself so much.
Instead, care about other people (not in some grand philosophical way, mind) and think about your place in a smaller community or social group. Sure, we're in the universe! We can afford to only care about 0.0000001% of it (or less) though, because that's about the only amount of universe that has an effect on us.

Going back to caring about others: I think thought patterns like yours are very common for people who are constantly thinking about themselves and how they fit into the world. I won't say it's self-centred, but it is a little destructive and kind of pointless.

Spending your free time making people laugh, smile or help educate themselves instead of pondering something as ridiculously grand as existence is a very good way to go, I believe.

(For the record, I think dedicating more than a tiny bit of your brain power to existential loneliness and defeatism is a tiny bit selfish and very fruitless)

Hey everyone. Boy it's been a while since I've posted on this thread. Not that anyone cares, considering I am but a simple lowlife on the web-based social ladder.
No matter, it is time for another pointless rant (Better known as 'psychotic babble') about my views on this fucked up little thing many humans call 'life'.
So as none of you know, I just got out of a very serious relationship. I'm not talking 'Yeah we were JUST starting to get really good with each other in bed', no no no, I'm talking 'last week she said yes when I popped the muhfuckin question'. Anyway, yes, we were engaged, enough said. Now, this relationship was the one thing to make me feel REMOTELY like a human being. I actually smiled and laughed and enjoyed being alive when I was with her, instead of just being a lifeless blob who's extremely cynical towards anyone who just so happens to cross my path.
Before 'Her', life was seemingly meaningless. Nothing but a ceaseless routine spit-shined by hollow promises of a bright future. Everything was black and white, no vibrance or tone to anything. Simply...Going through the motions without feeling any EMOTION except crippling sadness and anger at myself for being a squandering little worm. Then SHE happened. A light in a dark room, a breath of fresh air in a smoggy city, a smile on a dead mans face. She was my everything, which may seem really cheesy and ridiculous but hey! Love does something to you.
So when the end came, you might be able to assume I was pretty perturbed by it. It was like a thousand needles were being jabbed into each pore of my body. My mind went on autopilot and all I could feel was that constant nagging to jump off of whatever building I was in. It's a pretty fucked up experience, if you know what being suicidal to the point of requiring control is like.
Anyway, my neurological shitstorm called a 'brain' causes me to go all psychotic and attempt to die several times, each time ending up the same way: I wake up the next morning with little to no recollection of what happened the previous day. It's like my brain didn't want me to know I just took a full bottle of *Insert Random Medicine Name Here*. This is when I realized that I really DID have a problem. I mean, I knew I had a problem long before this incident, but there was something SERIOUS here now.
I got off topic, apologies. Now, I'll spare you the details of WHY me and 'Her' broke up, but the facts aren't pretty. It left me in a lot of pain and heartbreak, and I often found myself being a baby and crying to sleep at night.
If any of you reading this have been victim to falling so madly in love that you would do anything just to be with your love interest for even FIVE minutes, then you certainly know (Or can imagine) what losing them feels like. Its like a piece of you is ripped away, a chunk of you that'll never grow back. When they leave, so does a part of YOU. It's a dark and fucked up idea, yet there it is.

GOD I jump around a lot. I'm sorry, all this nonsensical bullshit spewing from my mind is quite toxic to read, I'll admit. But I DID warn you that it would be a babble.
BACK ON SOME FORM OF TOPIC: After falling into a deep suicidal depression, I found myself sitting alone in my living room, a gun to my head, telling myself to "Pull the goddamn trigger you fucking pathetic bastard". Of course, there was a SMALL piece of me that told me "HOLY FUCK DUDE, PUT THE GUN DOWN. SHIT. SHIT. ABORT. FUCK." I listened predominately to the latter.
After roughly a month of this constant dark conflict between my will to die and my will to live, something clicked in me. Emotion just...Vanished. All I had was this lifeless feeling, like I was out of touch with what was really going on around me. People were all the same, genders were the same, different species of animals were the same. Everything was like that fuckin' Fairly Oddparents where everyone is a grey blob of shit.
To be honest, I'm still like that to this day. Now, this wasn't all that long ago so it's not hard to understand I'm the same emotionless piece of trash I was just a couple months ago. Yet I thought for sure I'd at least feel SOMETHING.
Although I DO in fact feel something now that it's been brought up. I feel rage. Rage towards myself. I'm pissed at myself for not being good enough for her, I'm pissed at myself for failing so many classes, I'm pissed at myself for failing at life, I'm pissed at myself for telling him/her that he/she did this/that, I'm pissed at myself for just BEING MYSELF. I'm just a little ball of pissiness and honesty.
I've seen myself fall away from my friends, family, various loved ones, and even myself. I'm not even me anymore, I'm this sulking shell of a man who used to walk this earth. Maybe I'm a ghost? A lost spirit possessing a body? Who knows. All I know is that I've got this neurological shitstorm in my head that's telling me to write this NONSENSICAL BULLSHIT THAT NO ONE EVEN UNDERSTANDS.

Maybe tomorrow I'll try to get out of this haze and actually write something that makes sense. Kudos to anyone who actually read this, and please, feel free to stick around for this free bagel.

*Ding*

It's sickeningly devoid of any substance at all, then. The corporeal entity that should shield your essence from the elements of society. The loss of emotion you describe isn't exactly indicative of your body and mind doing it's job, but then again the weather has been rougher than forecasted and the building isn't exactly up to OSHA standards at this point, but that's what happens when your home suddenly finds itself on a fault line in a flood plane in the path of every hurricane on the planet, the anger becoming what's left of the foundation as it holds stubbornly onto the shifting ground. Sometimes it's sadness, sometimes it's a tragic joy, it all depends on the scenario and the person, and soon perhaps you shall find yourself in a different state of mind, out of the haze ;) Thank you for the bagels.

The perceived inability to feel the emotions that drive you, of course, leaves one in a deplorable state, and I wish it were better, and I do hope and believe you can perhaps get back to that, one hole in the euphemistic wall of your soul at a time. That's how things are, durability of the human spirit and what not, even when it's been so pulverized as to cease to exist it does not acknowledge that and suddenly it's there again. But to be fair, the nonsensical nature of what you said, the nonsensical nature of the world...well, it's all absolutely meaningless, in my opinion. But that's what I love about it. People suck, we've established that. But if you give it a fair shake, that's only half of it, really; I hate people but I also love people, because as our capacity for malicious, reprehensible acts of pure evil is an omnipresent threat to our stability, the capacity for overwhelmingly gut-wrenching diabetic acts of kindness and heartwarming is there in just as much strength, and it's this deep-seated universal potential we have as humans that gives me the joy I find in meaninglessness. If there's no pre-defined meaning to anything, nothing stops us from giving it meaning. That's how you get fiction and art and expression in general; science and religion alike come from this spontaneous nothingness derived from our sapience. In a way, the meaninglessness itself is owed to us, as without anybody to acknowledge such a thing then the aspects of meaning don't apply to the world at all. My point in saying that is that the meaninglessness of everything is like solving a problem, in my opinion; as one cannot solve a problem without acknowledging it exists, one cannot give meaning to the world without acknowledging the lack of it. So that's how, I think, one might find a way to enjoy life no matter how awfully bad your luck is. That burger you ate the other day, for all we know, could inspire you to make the greatest burger inspired rubber band trebuchet in the world, or maybe you make the next dance craze due to a fancy dream you had about caterpillars, toy soldiers and briskly fast-walking machete wielding drunkards born within the dishwasher, or even something as simple as smiling at a passing thought you never thought would occur to you, something as trivial as realizing a funny recurrent typo or a nervous tick somebody you know has. The relationships we have with others are important to our health, and I think we can give you some of that here, even if it seems to be falling apart in other places; it's also important to establish a healthy relationship with yourself, in my opinion, as redundant as that sounds. Take yourself to a little land of wonder of your own fancy that nobody has ever seen and never will seen and the sights you never see will be sights you never forget.

And yeah, I'm ranting too, and I hope it'll help in some way, and I apologize if it makes zero sense whatsoever, but that seems to be a trending feature of the posts here :> In any case, good sir, I desire good fortune on your part in endeavoring to retool yourself; I cheer for your continued resilience and I truly do enjoy partaking in the ranting.

Hey all. Another post coming tonight. I'm actually preparing this time. Please get ready for all the free bagels.

But in the meantime. Here is a bagel. *Ding*

"You are the piece of me, I wish I didn't need." This simple line. This little tiny line. Describes. Everything. Why is love such a tricky subject? Why is a simple chemical reaction so difficult to get over? Are we measly humans so easily twisted and turned so that we are brought to our knees when such a reaction is pumping around inside of us? For what purpose do we feel such a strong emotion from nothing but a CHEMICAL REACTION? We are but sacks of meat, organic machines, yet we feel. We feel pain, sadness, happiness, peace, comfort, anxiety, depression, love, hatred, discomfort, love, quenched, desire, LOVE.
Why is love so important? Why do organic machines with neurological shitstorms in our heads so fond of this emotion called love? Why do we crumble when love is shattered? Why do we depend on it so? Love is like an ocean. An endless ocean. Causes us to drown, causes us to breathe, causes us to be what we are.
We either love or hate ourselves, but hatred is indeed a form of love. If you're one of those people who is so sure they "Hate everyone in the world", then odds are you're one of those people who just doesn't love themselves enough to feel anything but bitterness. Love: That confusing substance that pulses through each and every one of us, whether we like it or not. There will always come a time in life when you look up at the sky and realize you feel love going through you. It's inevitable.
Then there's the fact that love can be ripped away from you. Love will certainly be felt, but love is just as easily pulled away. You'll also inevitably look up and realize your love is going nowhere. Whether it be because the love is one-sided, or because it's simply fading away into nothingness. Absolutely ridiculous, love. Love is almost as weak as humans are. So brittle, so fragile, so easily twisted, turned, beaten, brought down, abused.
We organic machines, who walk the earth looking for purpose. We organic machines, who reach out into the night and try to clutch onto even the slightest bit of reason. We neurological shitstorm-toting organic machines, who crumble so inevitably at the very mention of 'Love'. We unholy devices, dragged so far behind the veil that we exist for a purpose greater than to simply hold on to love and never let it go.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I really am sorry. Lately my mind has been clouded. As I said in a recent posting, I don't quite feel myself. Although THIS post is more of an explanation of why I can't seem to feel happy anymore.
Love has been given to me in a gratuitous amount. Love has been gifted upon me in buckets. However, it was taken away just as quickly. Even quicker, in fact.
The love I feel is going nowhere, it's just messing up my insides, leaving me to rot at my own devices. Leaving me behind, and taking my body and soul with it.
Maybe one day I can look up at the cloudy sky, and see even a small ray of sunshine, and claim to feel love.

Bagels. *Ding*

I'm following this thread now. Thank you for creating it.

I'm a bit lazy to read it now, but from what I managed to read has caught my interests and I migh as well have this in mind. Thanks!

Yay I got a bagel~ ^o^
Okay so your post is VERY interesting which is why I just frikin' love how the shitstorms in our heads can fling out such philosophical realizations. I honestly feel like shoving this in a naive, ignorant, someone's face to get them to come to realise that not everything is lollipops and rainbows... Well if I knew someone like that, that is. Actually I do, but whatever, that's besides the point. Anyways, I definitely wanna read everyone else's comments later.

Now then I agree with 100% of that entire "essay" of yours. I'm a realist so this was almost heaven to me. Not too pessimistic, not too optimistic. Honestly, I would alter or add one or two things in there but other than that, I really wish there were more people like you in the world

Oh, but my dear sir, if it was nothing, then why is it something?

From a literary standpoint, it's seemingly impossible to write as many impressive paragraphs as you have about absolutely nothing. Nay, not nothing, sheer pessimism.
What you believe is nothing is what is actually everything. The "neurological shitstorm" we have in our heads has time and time again produced amazing things.

From a philosophical/psychological standpoint, it seems to me as if you're on the bottom of the lovely Wheel of Fortune (no, not the TV show, to those who think so). You see, every human in the world's experience is based off of this wheel: Beneficial at the top, and Depressing on the bottom.
Dear sir, the wheel is always rolling. That dice you roll lands on a 1? Oh damn, looks like the wheel has my ass on the bottom. Another 1? Oh, come on, wheel, turn! Holy goddamn Dollar-sacks, a 6! Off to riches I go!

I'm going to go all The Outliers on this real quick. If you haven't read that book, I won't say anything about it.

From a logical standpoint, a lot of people who have watched Durarara are teenagers, correct? Including myself, I mean, I personally am around that age.
Also, why do you think a lot of people watch anime? Sure, some watch it for the plot; others do for the music. However, there's one big thing that goes into anime: otherworldliness. Their lives are so amazing, so interesting! Their grass is greener than my own, right? < This is what people think when they see this. Most don't care for the characters even if they think they do; they just watch the anime for escapism.
Another thing: The media tends to show a lot of negative things, don't they? And people just eat that up.
One last thing before I tie everything together: Why is it that many of the comments here have not even considered going on a more positive note, opting to agree with you? Think about that, because it certainly isn't because you're Jesus come to preach all truths to everyone.

Let's tie the knot together on all this: Teenagers are drawn to anime. Why is this? This is because they want escapism. But why is that? This is because they are depressed and cynical.
However, the million-dollar question is this: Why are they cynical and saddened? This is because they have realized the ugliness in this world. However, the problem with humans is that this clouds their vision through the rest of their life. They become used to gloominess, not realizing the happiness around them.

But there is no happiness. Right? That's what you said. All you said was nothing? You summarized human life as a whole, so that is nothing? The answer is no. There is something.
The reason all this happens, as I said earlier, is because many humans fail to see their glass happiness.
Happiness is like glass, indeed. With a few words, you can cloud someone's glass so much they can't see anything but the gloomy clouds.
But the thing is, happiness is also like glass that constantly has light reflecting through it. All you have to do is to change your angle of reflecting, and then you'll see the greatest, shiniest, most beautiful light ever.

What I'm trying to get at is this: You're just a depressed little teenager who hates himself and wants to find more reasons to hate himself because he can't find a fucking washcloth to clean his glass, unknowing that a clean-ass washcloth is right in the kitchen; you just have to get the effort to evolve enough to get there.

Realize the everything in what you think is nothing, because nobody can prove that everything is nothing for the simple reason that even nothing is a thing. "The lack thereof" had to have things, letters, to be a word to describe nothing.

Well, what is nothing? We don't know. We know things, but that is all. Even the space between planets and stars is a thing, a spot, on space and time.
You can't point to nothing, because nothing is nothing.

>>28 >>26 >>27 Thanks for the positive attitude towards the post, my friends. In my opinion it's just the random nonsensical ranting that feels like squirming out of my mind, through my veins, and into the fingertips striking the keyboard. I hope that we can all have good thoughts and discussions in the future. If you have any thoughts you'd like to share in the light of this post, feel free to slap them down, as it would be much appreciated. After all, the more opinions I can get on peoples outlooks on life, the happier I'll be I think. Happiness is honestly hard to come by for me, yet seeing peoples opinions brings a form of enjoyment to my life, so I beseech you to consult your neurological shitstorm.

>>27 I understand there's a shitload of stuff to read on this thread, but I suggest skimming it. Not because I want people to read my beliefs, but more-so to gain some insight on the clashing beliefs being shared here. I mean, not to be completely conceited or prideful, I'm kind of excited this post has as many brilliant philosophical wonders keeping slight tabs on it. I've seen tons of wonderfully explained, well written, and overall fantastic ideas shared, so at the least I'm proud of everyone's ingenuity.
Anyway. Point of that whole spiel was:

Thanks for providing me the enjoyment of going over all of your ideas/beliefs/thoughts, and I beseech you to add as much insight as you want. Haha, after all, the more bagels the merrier!

As fucked up inside as I am, just seeing this post brings me an extremely strange satisfaction, and I can't help but smile. So, in EXTREMELY short, thank you!

BAGELS IN ABUNDANCE. BAGELS. BAGELS ERRYWHERE! *DIIIIING*

-Live 2 Die (Aaron)

Hahaha I love this post cuz its life in its rawest form. Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way but if something good happens in the first hald of my day i would be dreading the second half of my day cuz i know that there will always be something that drags my mood down. But if something bad happens in the first half of my day i look forward to the send half of my day as i know something good will happen. Moral of my story: try and live thru life with minimal crappiness and disappointment and u will still recieve plenty of happiness :D

>>30 No problem, happiness comes in many forms. Eating candy, getting and A on a test, killing someone... Forget I said that last part :D
>>31 Ikr? I love seeing these types of things because they're such a rare gem now a days in today's society. I agree with your moral, thoguh I would love to know how you live with minimal crappiness and disappointment.
As for I, say school and everyone and the world in general was more stupid and shitty than usual. I would grab a book, headphones, and phones, go on the roof of my house and read and listen to music. c: It sounds so boring to other people, who would rather be out in the strip club, but it brings pure joy to me ^u^ In other words, I just like solitude X3

>>32 you sound like the zodiac killer... "...killing someone..."
It'd make sense with your name - "more faces" or something like that, right?
... Because the zodiac killer took great joy in the slaughter of many people, many faces that he stole.
Just thought I'd say that ;P

>>33 LOL, well no. My name trans"lates to "The Many Faces" and while the zodiac killer does seem like a badass, that was one of my many faces :3 Thanks for telling me!

Alrighty then, people. Today's wonderful topic: Insanity. Now, I've heard many people claim to be insane. People who come to me and say "Oh, I'm pretty sure I need to be thrown into an insane asylum", and then laugh to themselves as if they're proud of this fact.

To them, I say FUCK YOU. (And that they're full of shit).
To plead insanity is to plead attention-seeking in my opinion. Those who are TRULY insane are rarely ever able to realize this fact. They'll blind themselves with thoughts that tell them their actions are normal. It bothers me when people come to me and tell me about how fucked up they are when I hardly even know them. If its my closest friends, it's completely understandable because we share that bond. HOWEVER, if you're someone I've only recently met, and come to me saying how 'Fucked up in the head' you are, I'll most likely backhand you.

It's one thing to admit that there's something WRONG with you, such as mind drifting randomly, mind sending you deeper into your rabbit hole. That's one thing. It's one thing to FEEL like you're insane and claim such a thing, such as "Hey I'm...I'm kind of...I'm kind of in a bad place. My mind is always scattered...It's hard to think straight...I can't sleep...I hear voices...A-Am I...Am I insane...? I...I think I'm...I think I'm insane..." See, thats ONE thing.

Okay. Sorry. My thoughts got a little skewed. Let me start over.

Alright. So. What I AM okay with: "Hey I'm...I'm kind of...I'm kind of in a bad place. My mind is always scattered...It's hard to think straight...I can't sleep...I hear voices...A-Am I...Am I insane...? I...I think I'm...I think I'm insane..."

What I'm NOT okay with: "I think it's hilarious because I really need to go to an insane asylum but my mom won't believe me when I say something is wrong with me. Hahaha. Isn't that great? HAHAHA. I'm crazy. Huahaha. I belong in a mental institution. Huehehehehehehehehehea;jrh;lasdhflah;esrn;j" NO. FUCK THAT.
GOD. FUCK. CHRIIIIIIIST.

Just IMITATING that bullshit pisses me off.

Okay. So, my opinions on this are kind of off compared to that of many people. I'm sorry if this post offends anyone, but please know that I've come to be a rather biased person over my years. If you ARE offended by this, please just disregard the post. I'll be making more posts more often, and many of them will be significantly less 'offensive'. I hope.

*Cough* Well anyway. That's just my thoughts on people coming to me and telling me their insane. It's one thing if you're a friend, but if you're someone I've recently met, PLEASE don't tell me you're batshit insane. Even if you are, I'd rather just find out on my own.

Oh, so if anyone wants to talk about whatever, I'm totally down for that. My psych. told me I need to get more human contact, whether it be with online friends, or real life hue-manz.

WHew. Sorry. I kind of just shitposted. Sorry. Sorry.

BAGELS *DING*

Alrighty sir I will now be officially bumping this post and replying to you.

Hey! Two birds with one stone.

Yes, that does get annoying. Like, really annoying.
You've gotta just learn to deal with those people. It isn't just insanity; people joke about everything that someone would consider a serious problem.

Race? Of course: "Three black men are in a car together. Who's driving? Why, a police officer, of course!"

Genocide? You betcha: "How do you fit 6 million+ Jews into a four-door car? Two in the front, two in the back, and the rest in the ashtray!"

Insanity? I think you already gave an example of that haha.

You've got to learn to deal with those people. I'm not saying to get all passive-aggressive on them, though that seems to be what most people do. Hell, if they do annoy you to all hell, then go the fuck off on them! Times come when you just have to do stuff like that.

What I've found is that people tend to think they're crazy just because of what they think is right. For example, someone I know said we should threaten with firearms on the Baltimore Rioters.

The people nearby, clinging to their strange mix of peace-loving and violence-approving, shouted him down and called him rascist and crazy.

The guy took the latter to heart. He truly thinks he's a sociopath just because he condones being a bit more liberal with firearms.

So some normal people will call themselves crazy jokingly, and other normal people will do so simply because they think so. It's your job to figure that out.

(PS I think doing the whole going-off-on-them thing to be an effective method of doing so. Think about that!)

"'"

I used to be like you. But then I came to despise sadness and depression. I really didn't want myself to be in a constant neurological shit storm of self-hate and despair. That bitter taste of wanting to die is just to fucking intense and annoying to handle. I remembered the time when I feel light-hearted and happy. I fucking told myself to get a grip and shut my brain up. This despair isn't going to help anyone. Plus, if I died, the world wouldn't know about the awesome me and never knew that I even existed. I mean why the hell am I here if I was just gonna die? Plus, hah, Other people are in a much worse situation than me right? I mean there are 7 BILLION fucking people in the world(and maybe outer space:P) and for sure there is at LEAST one person going through the same thing as me right? At least that's my opinion.

>>38 YOU. HAVE A COOKIE. ('cause you read my mind :>)

Posts on insanity. Interesting.

This thread has really changed my life. I had the same views as you, constantly questioning about our existence and what we are meant to do. I always felt unwanted, useless, and I still do. But reading this thread gave me a better view of life, even though it sounds cheesy, but thank you OP for posting this :)

Okay I just read the entire thread, and I gotta say... it's pretty amazing. Tragic, but still amazing enough to draw me in. Love is fickle, but the results are worth it sometimes. Insanity...well that's just something else for the next generation to determine XD.

Hey guys. I just want to say thanks yet again for all of this feedback. I've been through a wild ride at all times this thread has been up and running. Times are still changing, and I'm almost certain that more posts will come. Thanks to anyone who's actually stuck with me and read through most of it. :)

Heres some bagels to all of you great people! *DING*

So, if suffering is so terrible, why is it something we rely on? If you're anything like a good portion of this world, you're so used to suffering or being unhappy that when you actually ARE in fact genuinely happy, you don't quite know how to deal with it.
If we choose to grip our suffering it intensifies. Yet a whole NEW suffering is born when we choose to ignore the other. Its like a never ending cycle in some ways, I suppose?
Yet...When is our suffering at its peak? Where is that breaking point at which we decide that it needs to change? We claim to be trapped in our suffering, yet it disappears so easily when something is aiding you in its dissipation.
Suffering. Even the very mention of the act of suffering is enough to make a person cringe, yet here we are, going about our day to day lives enduring anywhere from trivial to crippling levels of suffering, unaware that we could so easily change it, or that something could so easily change it FOR us.

I feel like love can be a major turning point in the case of suffering. On one side of the coin, falling in love can ease the pain of something. Whereas a broken heart caused by love is simply adding insult to injury.
We long for love only to get shut down. We search for a relief from suffering only to be brought before yet another court of bigots who will said suffering upon us.

A never ending cycle? Perhaps.

When released from the wretched grasps of suffering, many choose to seek out yet another claw. Another taloned hand to grip onto their throats, to add a different level of suffering to their lives. It's almost frightening how we cherish the very thing that wills us to die. We are eternally searching for suffering, whether it be direct or not so much, we search for a pain, something to be miserable about. Something we can complain to our coworkers about at the water cooler. Something we can blame our insecurities and failures and misjudgements on. Something to keep us from floating away with happiness.

Suffering may keep us in eternal lockdown, but it's best that suffering keeps us grounded.

Bagels. *Ding*

So, I've found myself extremely spiteful of alcohol. I can't handle being around the stuff. I don't mean the smell bothers me, or the fact that people get drunk and uncontrollable when on the stuff. I just can't handle it. A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a bonfire and drink/etc, and I was seconds from strangling him before someone stepped in to pull me away.
The second alcohol is brought into any situation I immediately grow pissed off and upset. It bothers me, it really does.

I'm going to assume my hatred towards alcohol stems from the effect it has had on my life thus far.
Alcohol broke my heart.
Alcohol makes it so I despise my father.
Alcohol has killed many loved ones.
Alcohol has nearly killed ME.

Although, it was only recently that I began to despise it. I'm assuming because the whole "heartbreak' incident, so I just assume that I feel stronger about alcohol because of that.
I don't know. Not asking advice just kinda talking. If you've any feedback, let me know. :p

-Live 2 Eat Bagels

"'"

I used to like alcohol. I drank it a lot and even reveled in it. It wasn't that I had some addiction to it. I just never said no when it was offered. However, I've come to realize that I don't like it. Although, where as you said the smell and what happens to people while they consume isn't why you don't like it, it's why I do. I've become aware of it, and the thought of it now makes me uncomfortable. I have a friend who always asks me to drink with them and like you I do get pissed off and upset over it. >_< What can you do, you know?

Just say no, even if they call u names just say it for once and c what happens, k?

>>50 I do now, if you're talking to me. I just didn't before >_<

Live 2 Die I understand exactly how you feel. But my friend your'e looking at life from a logistical stand point. That is one of the stupidest things you can do. There literally is no logic to our existence. There is no logic to anything in the universe. But aren't you curious about anything? Isn't there something that makes you happy, something that drives you to find new things? Isn't that all that Humanity is about, exploring? Find the stuff that makes you happy, weather it be girls, cars, rock climbing or sports, etc. What makes you happy, and no matter how meaningless the universe is, what are you going to do about it? Bitch and cry or make yourself happy and feel good in the only life we definitely have. I seriously hope you consider everything I'm saying and I hope it helps.

>>52 Ahhh I like you already! So, my brain tends to function in an analytical fashion, such as when someone asks me to 'Put your dishes in the dishwasher', I will do exactly that, and exclude those in the sink.

I wish I could stop my brain from being logistical in terms of life and love and such, but its a way my brain functions.

ANYWAY, on to my actual review of your post, my good friend #52. So, I suppose you're right. In my broken mindset, I've found that I don't really live for much. I don't do anything, I don't talk to anyone save for a select group of people. I'm all in all a very boring person. I want to say that I have the urge to explore, but that simply wouldn't be true. I look at a city and yes, I'm enthralled, EXCITED even, but that's about where my perkiness ends.

I've found that for me, simply being in certain places at certain times gives me some kind of 'Rush'. For instance, I just returned from a trip to Seattle Washington last night, and I have to say I'm beyond impressed with the city, and even consider moving there. BUT I noticed something: As much as I talked about how much the city was amazing and perfect, my brain was telling me exactly WHY I think it's perfect rather than just letting me settle with the fact that its pretty damn cool.

I looked at a museum and thought 'Wow yeah that'd be a cool place to show my parents if they visit me'. Or I look at a blues club and think 'Oh wow yeah that'd be neat to get tips on improving my musical capacity'. Or I'd look at a dive bar and think 'Ah yes that's the perfect place to increase the amount of alcohol surging through my bloodstream'.

Instead of simply ENJOYING the art in the museum, my brain challenges me to criticize and learn the history of the art so I can explain to people in detail: when, where, and why the piece was created. For what reason? Fuck if I know.

Instead of simply jamming out to the soul-filled music called 'Blues', my brain wants me to analyze every note and every instrument involved. Critique them, fix their mistakes inside my head. It's like I have a weird fetish for correcting people when they're wrong.

Instead of heading into the dive bar and having a good time with buddies, my brain says 'Hell nah boi, you go in there, drink some of that...' Wait...Okay the dive bar instance is a little moot because my brain wouldn't be able to...Hmm...Okay scratch that whole point.

ANYWAY. What I'm trying to get across, >>52 , is that if I were to be truly happy in life, I might have to cut out that neurological shitstorm inside my head typically referred to as a 'brain'.

I thank you so so soooo much for providing some input, and to be honest I'm proud to know that someone with a good viewpoint took the time to look over my post and give some feedback. Please don't think I'm not going to consider what you're saying, because I'll be pondering it over the next few hours greatly. I'll weigh your words, and see if they help. Thanks, man.

"Let them eat nutella bagels"
-Marie Bagtoinette

Heres a little tumblr post I did about Seattle. Giving my input.

Yup, Ive definitely determined that Seattle is a prime place to live. Its bursting with cultural diversity and intrigue. Take a look down any major street such as 1st or 4th or Wesrern Avenue, and your eyes will be fed a cuisine of soulfood and gourmet.

Original restaurants dot every city block, and curiosity shops litter the streets as if the city were a dumping place for endless adventures.

Not only is the city beautiful to set eyes on, it reverberates with a young vibe, waves of resplendant atmospheres shoot through its concrete veins. Providing an active and potent environment for the younger person, Seattle appeals to manys–including my own, of course–interests. The artist in all of us, the musician in everyone, the gourmet chef hidden deep within each of us. Its honestly a disturbingly exciting place.

Never before have I felt so much drive to move anywhere, yet this place seems to call my name. The excessive rain simply increases the motivation.

Like a living, breathing, pulsating organism, Seattle sends new life to the abandoned meaning of ‘culture’. Masses of music, plethoras of parties, clusters of clubs, gangles of good eats, and rallies of religion, this city has taken my soul and refuses to give it back.

Well played, ya fuckin concrete titan, well played.

Nothing that exists in this universe has any sole reason or purpose to keep functioning. Even the universe itself. Though, despite this, everything functions as it always did. This idea of worth is decided by one's own beliefs. There is no absolute truth in that. It is yet another concept created by humans. This idea did not exist before humans. The universe did not started slapping a value on every living organism out there. So, since this idea of "worth" is practically nonexistent everywhere except in the human mind, there is not a lot of things to fret over on this topic, right?

My opinion probably won't matter since there's a lot of people that seem to agree with you but to me it seems like for whatever reason you are bitter about life. I think being happy is something anyone can achieve it's just people have things that prevent you from being happy. You have people who don't have a house, struggle everyday to get enough food to live and etc but they are happy then equally you can have the opposite. Since it's anonymous I suggest you be specific on why you seem to hate life and maybe I can help you regain a teeny bit of hope. If not well heck I tried :P

>>56 Ahh, well, opinions are appreciated moreso than anything else, honestly. There's not much 'advice' nor 'guidance' that can be provided to a guy who has his own stubborn ideals, right? Therefore, opinions are the best way to go, really. In other words, I want to thank you for sharing your thoughts.

But, on to more. I do agree somewhat with >>55 in that 'worth' is all just based upon personal discretion. Sadly, my idea of 'worth' is rather empty at this point. I currently feel a tad bit of happiness, believe it or not. I've been speaking with someone I thought had abandoned me, only to find out there's the possibility of something more. I'm honestly terrified of the fact that I'm genuinely excited and happy about this.

I'm so used to feeling all 'self piteous' and depressed all the time, that this newfound happiness is kind of freaking me out. I don't know how to handle it, really. I want to be the best person I can, but to do that I need help. Real help. I need my eyes opened to what life truly is, rather than what I believe it to be. I need to crawl out of...Whatever this is, and shine like the motherfucking diamond I have the potential to be.

I guess thats how these things go, right? When life has you feeling like a piece of coal, just keep psyching yourself into thinking you're the magical chunk of resplendent ore you're TRULY meant to be.

What a joyride, eh? Whatever. Maybe this sadness will waft away in the wind, or maybe it will grow stagnant and simply hang around my head forever, only being masked by this illusion of happiness. Whatever the case, I'm genuinely confused at the moment.

Sorry for rambling on. I hope I can compensate by gifting you these fine fine bagels.
*Ding*

There you go thats the right idea. Hold on to that happiness even if it scares you. We are human beings, natural explorers and fear is the only thing that holds us back from discovery.

I don't know what I was expecting.

The second I feel okay. The second I feel remotely less broken. I get smacked down again even further than before.

THERE'S A TOPIC.

In my travels, I've found that a lot of people have the same philosophy: "If life smacks you down once, it will do so repeatedly"

Now, lets dig deeper. Does this mean that if the day you are born life decides to do something negative to you, then from that day forth life will proceed to kick you into the curb?
Does that mean that life will constantly be smacking you in the face with no remorse just because it did so once? Like a bully that persists to be an asshole even when you're twice as big as him and consequently at his wedding?

I don't fully understand, but I find myself agreeing. I've constantly been kicked down, and I'm very afraid it will continue to happen.

In more ways than one. You see, I've become rather opinionated about things in my time of wallowing. I've grown to be disgusted by myself when I think about how I used to have sex with people for no reason but the sex. I can't stand to think that I did that. That disgust and opinionated thinking has caused problems for me.
I know that it's simply my opinion and all, but it causes people to flat out stop talking to me because they think I'm judging them or something. Random bullshit like this happens repeatedly.

I don't know. I think I'm just going insane.

Bagels.
*Ding*

>>59 Life will always beat you down, but it's not impossible to stand up afterwards and experience something great before the next bad thing comes along. Good and evil are both equally valuable, both of them forge the person you are, bot of them are necessary for the other.
As for your past, everyone needs to make experiences with their sexuality. It's not something you're sure of immediately, but something you have to try out. I can accept that I made mistakes in the past, but I don't regret them since they taught me a lot.

You're going to die anyway. Might as well stick around and see what happens. It may be entertaining.

I like the way you think. Yeah I'm a little strang.
Lately m̶̶o̶̶r̶̶e̶̶ ̶̶l̶̶i̶̶k̶̶e̶̶ ̶̶a̶̶g̶̶a̶̶i̶̶n̶ I'm down and your "neurological shitstorm" put a smile on my face.
I would like to answer to your shitstorm but I'm already pretty fucked up with writing in my own language, so I'll keep it brief.
I think we will always get smacked down, so enjoy the time until the next smack.
To the sex topic, are you talking about sex without love?
But i think that is a pretty normal thing, so I'm not sure i really unterstand what you mean.

I'm looking forward to more bagels :)

can't you just share your problem,then feel a little better,i can't disagree that we're slowly dyeing and i can't say that life's full of rainbow and sunshine..but why post this? you do know that there's gonna be someone who'll win against you and tell you on how the human race isn't worthless =-= but then again,meh that's your point of view,why should i stop you...more importantly why do you want someone to tell you the human race isn't useless,hence why you aren't useless...sure i can bend your ear with a lot of crap about why the human race and you isn't useless,but why ask us? =-= there are a lot of experienced people out there who actually has a life or more importantly what some people might call a successful life...so why succumb in this dark thought?why ask us or find someone who's gonna tell you the human race isn't useless..look dude you can just ask people help you with your existential crisis because it seems that the point of that long shit was you who feels like he has no use and wants others to re assure him,dude to be honest,only you can answer that...if you wanna be useful,then be productive and stop being bitter,if you wanna continue this line of thinking...then who am i to stop you? just so you know,ending your life just cuz you think you're useless isn't smart,you'll miss out a lot on the beauty that only nature can give which is slowly fading =-=....
so yeah....no offense just stating my opinion :T
:T death isn't always the answer =-=
and succumbing to bitterness is also not an option or choice =-=
try being optimistic

That's pretty interesting.

I agree with you , Earth and many of lives are meaningless.
You know what has meaning? Humans. Not everyone of course. Most of us are stupid and "evil". But still, you can met different people. People that want to have meaning, people with ideas. Interesting people doing interesting things.This is one of reasons I joined Dollars. I am trying to do something with my life, becouse I can't see meaningless when I enjoy life.

We will die. Earth will die. Milky Way will die. Universe will die. I am scared, becouse I will die. Actually, no I'm scared of nonexisting. On another hand living in eternity will be horrible. If you think about it you can't be truly happy. That's the prize for knowing truth. But you know what? Writing about it gives me something like happines.

I accept that life. I will not find meaning and that makes me... peacufull.
Why we even live? That's not good question.
Why we think? I dont know. But I want to know.
SO I will think. And think. I will stop thinking when I will die.

I will stop living when I will stop thinking.

You can call it meaning of life. That isn't true. It's my life.
That's my mind. That's me. THat matters.

P.S It meant to be short comment, but I write something long that doesnt make sense. Still, it was fun.
P.S.S Sry for bad grammar.

Hey guys! I posted a year ago about my parent's restaurant business at Momo Korean Cuisine and Sushi, Austin, TX, but for another notice, I wanted to post another thread here about hiring servers, if possible before August 17, 2015. If you live near Spicewood Springs road (78759), it would be great, and training would start either this or next week. Please let me know if you want more information, so I can email you! my email is Sakunyasuh@gmail.com ^^

Its not easy being optimistic when life brings you nothing but things to be pessimistic about. When bitterness circles around you like a tornado and keeps you in this weird limbo state, just out of harms way but certainly not safe.

Its...Hmm...It's hard to explain. Feelings--no matter which--are hard to truly explain. That's why psychology only functions to an extent.

Feelings are...Hmm...I don't even know. I have so many of them, I wish I felt none, but then what would I be? If I want escape from all the pain I feel, then would that mean feeling nothing at all? And isn't it better to feel something other than nothing? Would feeling nothing make one lose their mind? Slowly?

I hate to say it, but I feel like my mind deteriorates a bit more between each posting. I had a good reason to keep posting here in the beginning, but now it seems like its a dumping ground for my self-piteous nonsense. I do hope none of you are offended. But ey, thanks to everyone who's responded, it means a lot to me and also helps me think and get stuff off my chest. All in all, thanks for listening and I hope you continue to share feedback.

I don't know. It's late. I'm tired. Been busy. Could use some sleep. Maybe a hug or two. Who knows.
But I DO know that you kind beautiful fabulous butterflies deserve some bagels.

*kaDING*

*Hugs* ?

ok so i suck at creating any form of a thought-word-vocab link but i have an idea, so before it fucks and catches the next bus out of my brain I'm going t try and catch it.
You said a little earlier about logic being why you overthink, need critic the imperfect, which is basically everything. Takes this, we are all arrogant self-centred idiots who know nothing, then instead of stopping at the first level of criticism go one deeper.
Yes we are self-centred but in that selfishness can't we have values such as empathy, and love for others or interests and by indulging in our selfishness actually helping another human island, or doing something remotely positive.
Yes we no nothing but does anyone? Is there such a thing as knowledge, the certainty of a reality? I believe not. The only thing to dominate our existences is the ongoing perception of..... external and internal stimuli. They only way to truly be certain of anything, when an endless array of variables cross our paths is to know everything and that in itself is pretty much impossible.
By going to logic to criticise.... human existence as a whole, you can isolate yourself from it in a way that its troubles don't directly effect you. Talking to people can be come a way of testing your mask, like hah they believed i cared funny. I tried this once, not a great time. The warped fun of feeling 'safe' and better than the life existing around you from your removal of it soon fades as the emotions do, but if you try and notice them they'll, weirdly enough, still be there. My little me boat was shittily built. It relied on so few stimuli that they became irrelevant, causing the few emotion to get off the theoretical mind bus and stick around making camp in my brain to be anger, at anything and most things and worthlessness.
Nobody is worth anything. There is no purpose to life, no great meaning unless you count the certainty of all things meaning certain events happen, which(i believe) is no great fate or meaning just fucked up coincidences leading you on through life, giving you just enough for you to want to continue. But is that even a bad thing? I mean if my existence suddenly had a purpose a one goal pass/fail bullshit would come into play, let alone the pressure of an unknown goal, an unknown success that becomes an impossibility due to not having a fucking clue what it even is. Leading you to feel worthless?
I'm pretty sure none of this will have helped but i very much enjoyed the bagel....
And self-dismissal is the easiest way to deal with the dismissal of others to your self???? Hah, I mean it avoids the confrontation of them going that's shit and you having to go fuck no.... and then realising you have no guts so didn't say that and just depressingly stared at the ground the words in your, my, (yes talking about me myself indirectly helps) head turned to word putty good for forming a opinion but not much else....
SO HUGS ALSO, THE END, I THINK I SUCCESSFULLY LOST MY IDEA, IT WENT TO A NICER MIND/STATION

ahh sorry just noticed the 50,0000 typos in my post, I can spell i just rush typed that xD

Tbh that's a reason I have faith in Christianity. TBH even if lets say God doesn't exist etc etc, I mean it seems like a pretty decent way to live to me anyway. Aside from that it gives hope beyond anything else in the world I guess that's how I be optimistic or else tbh I would probably have murdered every one of my fellow human beings by now hey? XD. Yeah but whatever, to each their own.

I find myself looking down more.
I find myself looking down more and more. I find myself looking back more and more. The shadowy figure of You, smiling and laughing in some form of dream state--as if it all went according to plan. I find myself wishing more and more that I didn't let you slip away from me again..I find myself wishing more and more--more than anything--that I could have you back for even a second longer...
I find myself looking up less.
I find myself holding on to less.
I smile less.
I laugh less.
I care less.
I want to live less.

-A Late Summer nights Thought. Put together more like a poem as not to go crazy.
(>>68 I'm glad someone else is like me in terms of their mind being in several places at once. Haha. THanks for support, everyone)

>>71 You should try making this a poem or a collection of poems, then sell it.

So, as hypersomnia kicks my ass, I look to the night sky and enjoy the fact that my favorite season--winter--is only a short time away. The season my life tends to have some brightness. Probably caused by the amount of christmas lights. They're bright, you know.

Anywho. I woke up this morning to find that it was in fact 12:47 PM. I rubbed my eyes and found out that there was a girl in my bed. Now, I don't drink alcohol, and I have no recollection of who she is, right? So, shook her awake to ask who she was, and turns out I'm insane. It was just my dog.

I've got this weird sleep disorder thing that basically makes me fatigued 24/7 to the point of being able to sleep all day from any point in the day. Now, I recognize that I'm batshit crazy already. But this set me off. I'm scared now.

Not only am I severely depressed, but all the emotional strain has caused me to decline into this weird state of mental illness and constant fatigue. I've been prescribed some pretty powerful pills and I'm living life as a psychopath now.

Fun.

While shaking uncomfortably in my living room, I realized that life is kind of like a ball of rubber bands. Its just loops. Monotony, all wrapped around more monotony. Reds and blues, different hues. All just strung together to give a sense of order within chaos. They keep themselves compressed and pushed together. Monotonous routines, stacked and stacked, driving the other routines deeper to the core. Strange, huh?

Geez I'm craaaaazy. I apologize.

Fookin' Bagels. *Ding*
Oh, if anyone wants to talk at all or play vidyagames (Since thats a good escape for me) Please let me know. I'm glad to do whatever.

This is so unusual yet amazing at the same time. Us, humans, writing here about something resembling the question "what's the meaning of life?" Yet again, replies are mostly about this down-to-earth stuff like smoking, money and superficial things like those. I may be wrong, but to me- all this earthly talk seems completely irrelevant to the idea of the main post. If the problem is that the humans don't deserve to live because we are hypocritical, nasty parasites well, we certainly are. But guess what- we are alive! Even though through our short stays in this life we somehow find a way to make every possible mistake, we still are here. Why? Don't we have to face some kind of punishment and consequences for our nasty deeds? Well, we are not capable of handlling our everyday lives, let alone something as divine as passing judgement on ourselves and each other.

Humanity is nothing but a fucking plague. A disease. We're just fleshy sacks of worthlessness that writhe in our own self pity and filth in some attempt to find the fucking fake idea of happiness.

Humanity is nothing but a filthy disease. We're just disgusting homicidal sociopathic narcissistic nymphomaniacs who toy with each other mentally and physically for our own fucking personal gain. What kind of sludge did we truly spawn from to be like this?

It's like we're all just BEGGING for our skulls to be crushed. Fucking filthy apes. The lot of us.
I'm sick of humanity being predominately a disease. I wish we could all just grow the fuck up and realize that we ALL need to change. As a whole. I don't even fucking know anymore. It's gotten so bad...

well i don´t see life that way, if you believe that life is nothing but bitterness itself. it will become nothing but bitter,
since you believe it is.
i myself believe that life is a blessing. because we all go through bad things and good things. but you choose too se the negative in it all and that is a shame, i am not perfect. in fact. i have a dark past and i am willing to share my life here and now. my first 9 years was a living hell. my father was an alcoholic and he was drunk all the time, he even raped me once! and my mother was a foreigner and my father did not let me learn her language so i could not speak with her. i was alone at home and i was bullied at school for being fat, ugly or weird. i was all alone and i did not mind being that either. because i knew that loneliness was the only time i was safe. i developed a great fantasy that i often ran into because i didn't want to face the reality. but when i was 9 i was placed in a foster family and things turned better, i was still bullied. and to be honest i am fell more surprised when i have people that i can call friends. i am 17 now and it has been a long journey to become the person i am today. but of course did my past left many scars. i can't speak in front of class. i don´t like being touched but secretly i want to. so it is kinda complicated. my life is complicated but even thought my past i have learned that i have become stronger. i have seen things that have given me experience and i feel better. but sometimes i can be depressed and think about the fact that i have been more cruel than nice and i hate myself for that. but i am not cruel anymore. i am loved. and i have to remember that, i think you should remember that as well. no matter how bad you feel you are some persons reason to smile :)

Live 2 die, I literally laughed while reading your post.

You're right, until some certain points.

Yes, humanity is sick. Twisted humans exist, but I think they make this boring world more interesting. Without the discusting acts of humanity, this world would be boring. Most humans admire the peaceful life, but I don't. I admire the excited life, a life filled with drama, fear and mistakes. It may sounds weird, but without those filthy humans, this world would be boring, and to 'perfect'

That's why I think you're wrong. Humans are indeed narcissistic and filth, but that's what brings other humans, like me, joy.

Imagine the perfect world. No conflict, no drama, everything would be perfect. Doesn't that seem boring to you? It does to me. Every face would be the same, every human would act alike, every day would be the same, peaceful day. But, in a world like that, everything would be fake. Artists wouldn't be unique, and the whole concept 'Art' would disappear. (Even film, litariture, theater, ecetera...) the whole world would be even insaner than it is right now.

If you're wondering why I'm 'attacking' or rather explaining my detailed opinion to you, it's because your post seemed like you loathed all humanity, excluding yourself. Which makes you, ironically, even more narcissistic than the ordinary humans. Such irony, am I right? Even if this wasn't your intention, that's how it came to me.

If I offended you in any way, I'll apologize. But I won't take back my words. You may consider them as a 'rare' opinion you dislike.

And I also apologize if any mistakes. English isn't my native language.

THen I wont

>>77 You brought a smile to my face. :) It takes guts to share a life story. Especially one as intense as yours.

>>78 Thank you, I don't see what you said as 'Attacking'. I see it as ones opinion. It's good to see that sort of thing here. Pulls me out of my fucked up shell, you know?

>>79 What...?

I truly apologize for that last post of mine. I kind of just BARELY went past my tolerance there. I shouldn't have ranted in such a blatantly misguided and foolish way. I was going to get on to delete it but saw the wonderful posts that followed, and decided to do otherwise.

Now, today, after a good nights sleep, I've realized some things. Yes, to me, life is basically meaningless. I am very bitter, but for reasons unknown. I try and try to change my outlook on life but something consistently happens to drag me back down.

I wish I could sound less self-piteous in everything but I really just want to know why I'm constantly emotionally shut down. Everything is painful to me, everything is like another drop of water in the ocean in which I'm drowning. It's a vicious cycle.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to take some time out of my misery-talk, and try to rekindle some things in my head.

Now, when I first posted this thread, I mentioned that advice was not being asked for, yet here I've found it. So many responses. So many heartwarming responses to give me a bit of light. And today, I spent a solid hour and a half rereading this entire thread and thinking over things. I've found a lot of happy redundancy and encouragement.

It brings me a lot of warmth to know that people will take time out of their lives to reply to a psychotic self-loathing person such as myself. It brings me so much happiness to know that this world TRULY IS NOT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT.

I apologize to anyone who I haven't responded to, and perhaps at some point I'll take the time to respond to every single other reply on this, just to clear things. If I have never mentioned your reply at all, please don't assume I'm not reading them.

But anyway. I really do want to say thank you. You all have lifted my heart today. Gave me a leg up in this war against my own head. You all deserve some mighty fine bagels. *DING*

But onto the substance. Now, today, as encouraged as I was. I felt myself self-loathing throughout the entire course. Does anyone have any ideas on how to at least stifle a BIT of that self-hatred?

>80 well you just have to et it go my friend. i assume you already know that i hate myself sometimes but i have a strategy for that. i always stop and think and see the view of the whole situation, "is there really any reason to be sad?" look at this thread for an example. there is a reason we reply for you, and that is because we care and if we didn't then we would just ignore right? simple logic and accept it (^_^)

>80

>>83 Oooooh I might have to cut you for that being so damn perfect.

>>81 Thank you very much. ^.^

>>80 Well, I'm glad you think of it that way, since most people despise my opinion for being 'too difficult' or 'too different' or they think it's plain out wrong. I'm also glad it pulled you out of your fucked up shell. You have an interesting mind for today's society, which makes everything interesting.

>>87 It certainly makes life interesting. Many people get mad at me (Understandably) for how...Uh...I don't know, I guess 'opinionated' I am about things. I either have next to no opinion, or so much that people assume I'm a judgemental prick. Maybe I should work on that...

I often lay awake at night, wondering where She is and what She's doing.

>>88
Theory of conformity: people actually ask for opinions but expect the answer to be within expectation, or they blame you
Better keep quiet if you don't want them to get mad

How did I actually forget about this awesome thread? I seriously, someone make a book about this post and all of the replies already!

>>89
Man... You are absolutely not the only one who has thought like this or about this. I've thought about life exactly like this myself. I recommend that you read a manwha called Dice you can find it on webtoons.com. Seriously though, you should take a good long look at it.
Also, the reason that this life seems and is deemed unworthy, along with everything in and out of it, is due to the fact that we are not apt and may or might not ever be apt enough to fathom it's worth at any given moment. However, we are aptly ample to understand, realise, fathom, and strengthen our own worth (self-worth).

***** Most importantly, this life we have and are living was never meant to be easy and it will never be easy. This life is becoming increasingly cumbersome and tedious. It will continue to do so for future generations. This world is not perfect and it never will be perfect. This life is not perfect and will never be perfect. We all came to this Earth/ planet/ world, yes every single one of us, knowing, realizing, and perfectly understanding what we would have to go through and would be going through individually and together altogether. We came here with a perfect knowledge that was washed away from us once we were born. Ultimately, we also perfectly understood that it would be washed away from us aswell. We all accepted this challenge full heartedly and humbly. We all knew what was in store for us as we passed through the veil individually and/or together. *****

I feel the same ... basically there is no point in living or dying .. no point even saying there's no point .. because well.. no point. Something very inspiring better come along and give me a reason to carry on!

I've found myself looking out the window of my car a lot more lately. I kind of feel the existential crisis coming back on, but I'm a little less upset. I've realized that my opinions and feelings are all just a part of who I am. I'm a pessimist hidden in an optimists shell. I'm stuck in this weird place in which I have all the darkest thoughts about humanity, yet I'm slightly more ok with it. I don't know. I'm weird.

I find myself drowning in the words that I try to type, try to speak. The words crawl in and out of my throat, stinging every inch of the way. I find myself being drowned out by the words that blur my vision. It's kind of problematic.

Maybe this isn't exactly what you wanted to here, but I find comfort in the FACT that life has no point. It means I get to make my own and it will never be wrong.

Life isn't as bad as you think :)

THATS WHY RELIGION EXIST I SUGGEST YOU DIG IN TO RELIGION AND SEE WHICH IS THE TRUTH AND BEST AND TO GIVE SOME ADVICE LOOK INTO ISLAM

>>101 Your reply makes me uneasy. :'D

>>102 Saving that picture. I'll use it in the future.

Alright, so, I've found myself having some pretty strange dreams. Now, dreaming is something I haven't done in quite some time. I'm wondering if I can find a Joseph to interpret some of them. (Or anyone. The whole Joseph thing is kind of a sort of joke or whatever. In case ya'll didn't know that in the Bible, Joseph is called upon by Pharoah to interpret dreams.)

Okay. Dream one. I'm alone in darkness, I hear whispers of 'parasite' and 'leech', which, sounds like a pretty common case of me accusing myself of being a needy little bitch. But I digress. Anywho, I eventually catch fire, not really feeling pain but instead a great amount of fear as the flames lick my body, scorching me to ashes. The whispers of 'parasite' grow louder, to the point of shouting. Then I see everyone I am--and have ever been--close to, standing around me in a circle, shouting their opinions of hatred upon me, as I burn into nothingness. That's typically where healthy sleep overtakes me.

Next recurring dream: I'm walking through the desert, when I become surrounded by scarab beetles. If you've seen the film 'The Mummy', then it's a lot like that. The beetles cover me from head to toe, devouring my flesh until I am bones. But it doesn't stop there. Soon, birds come and carry my bones away to different locations on the earth. My skull often goes to my hometown, my chest often goes to Seattle, my legs go to varying cities in Japan, and my arms go to Portland Oregon. I may have an idea about this one but I'd like opinions.

Finally, I often find myself feeling awake. Like, paralysis. Forgive me, I cannot remember the name of this sensation. :'D
As I was saying, I FEEL like I'm paralyzed, but eventually I see the vision of an intruder coming into my house, typically a slightly corrupt version of my previous love (AKA: The One Who Got Away). She runs her hands along my skin, as if savoring me, sensually gazing into my eyes, her body all up on mine. After a few minutes of her mouth running along me, she takes a rather gratuitous bite out of my stomach, tearing the flesh away, and pulling out my organs from the hole. That's when I awaken. This one is the only one that actually causes me to wake up usually.
----------------
Well those are the ones that occur most frequently. Pretty unsettling if I do say so myself; but like I said, I'd really appreciate any and all opinions I can get on what these dreams might mean, and what I can do to make something useful out of their recurrence.

I don't know. I feel like schooling is a bunch of added stress on my life. I wonder how things'll turn out?