I think I can understand how you feel a little bit.
I didn't know what happened to you or who you are, but I know what it's like when you ask yourself who you are.
Six years ago something happened to me and I nearly changed everthing. I realized, that something is more important than another and so I'm not interested in the most things I hear. Kinda everything looks unimportant to me. My "friends" don't know what happend or who I am. They think I'm just crazy and have no emotions. Even my parents don't know who I am. And not long ago I realized, that not even I could know who I am.
I don't know about your situation, so I can just tell what I've decided to do...
I think it's the best thing not no think about something like that.
It's more important to me to safe the world a little bit. To go out and take the trash from the earth and put it in a trashpack. Or plant flowers or something like that.
It's not important to me, how I feel. I'm more interested in what other people feel. I like to help them when they have problems, even when these problems don't look like problems to me. I realized that a lot of things in this world went terribly wrong. I can't make my problems the problems of the world. Nearly everyone have problems, they don't need to know mine.
My problems were my problems and I'm not going to tell anyone. I find it more important that my friends, and even my enemies, don't have problems anymore.
I think I really can't explain that...sorry...

Thank you for responding, and I don't really think I have emotions either,I just do what seems to fit the situation best.
I can't remember feeling anything accept loneliness and neglect.
I can't connect with anyone because there is no part of me that has any interest in people. I don't know what to do. Maybe it was my family that did this to me..or I'm just a zombie.

People are colorful. So much more then you can imagine. More then I can imagine, more then anyone.

Every person is important. From my own personal experience, thinking your problems are not as important, or legitimate, or worthy of note is part of what causes that pain. Being true to yourself, thinking about what do you really believe in, and who you want to become.

I said people are colorful, amazingly, infinitely colorful, but people are also people. Humans are humans - whenever and wherever,humans are very much alike. The oldest poems we know are so fantastically ~human~that it feels like recognizing yourself in an old picture.

You are not alone, and letting yourself be open to other people, even if you think they won't understand or care or accept will do you much good, even if it doesn't seem so at first.

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That being said -
Clinical depression is a real thing. Disassociation and other disorders are very real, and should be taken care of.

There is nothing shameful, illegitimate or "bothersome to other people" about having a mental disorder or illness. If you feel that these things are making leading a healthy reasonable life too hard, ASK FOR HELP.
If you feel like you might hurt others or yourself ASK FOR HELP.
If you feel like you just can't take it anymore and you need help dealing with it ASK FOR THAT HELP.

Mental illness is just like any other. people can heal, people can feel better, people (yes, also you) shouldn't suffer just because.

I am known as the friendly one, the beautiful one with long hair and magnificent eyes, also in other places known as a bad and arrogant bitch (well so called by my best friends). Just a little while ago I was sure who I am: hating false people and hating the part of myself that was once false, hating people that talk behind your back, hating people that just say you annoy them for no reason... I was always cold-hearted, or how some say with no heart or with stone heart. I wasn't noticing that I had best friends that liked me how rude I was, life friends that I know already 7 years... And I got to know some people, very positive people, a group of people I know for only a half of year. I thought the world is like them, and all my attention was on them, in that some months I got blindfooled by that loght in their smiles, even from rock I started listening and pop. In some ways like fashion and music now I'm better, but in the most important way I'm dumb now, I can't get myself to being normal again, like I was before this some months. I thought they will become also my life friends and I gave all my happines to them, and the most of them just smashed it on the floor, I was wrong... How could I be so foolish? When I found out they were taking behind my back I was desperately crying, because I gave them a part of me... There was my best friend that I sometimes kissed, he said me the truth, and another girl with him was trying to calm me down. The girl always taked me as a best friend. That sadness happened just 2 days before I should move to another country. And that was my farewell?
Some moths already passed since that bullshit happened, that boy and girl are still contacting me, and the others now too, like nothing happened. Dafuq? I just smile too, because I already don't care. In my new country I HAVE to be friendly and I can't be "bad" as I always was, or else this idiots'll start saing shit about me. It's a horrible feeling, I have to act false, again, but now it feels worse than earlier. I don't practicaly know myself now. I moved to this country to build a "bright future" so I thought I wouldn't need any friends and it'll be okay if I'll be myself, rude. But no, in my new schooll are the "smartest and the rich ones" so I should be friends with them... Well is my decision right? I will just act normal, like always smiling but with that smile also telling rude things, to those who are bitching with me. And we'll see who will be with me in the end :) Some "friends" told me about some egoist girls, and when I got to know those "egoist girls", they were the most normal and interesting girls I've seen here until now, beauties. Just letting you know that for years I wasn't feeling really depressed because of a serious problem, in the past I was always seeing everything monochrome and everywhere were dead foolish people, now it isn't too different, just that I'm enjoying it and of all them I see the ones with power and life

I think most people have absolutely no idea what i'm really like, and most of them probably have completely the wrong idea, but I don't care. I know exactly who I am, and that's all I care about. :)

Its not that I don't like the persona I've created.
I quite enjoy thinking of this human facade a normal person.
what I hate is that I can never set my true self free because I will most likely be thrown into prison or a mental institution. But the worst part is when I try to trust someone and reveal a facet of who I really am people say I'm changing or they don't like who I've become, when the whole time I've been pretending so I don't ruin there life.

Well to answer your question I'm hiding my true self too I guess. I only really exist online on things like the dollars, chatrooms and emails. I won't go into the details of why but it's just that the environment I'm in irl and people I'm surrounded by I can't be the real me with. But I suppose it's almost turning into me being two different people. My "true self" I wouldn't think of as my real name (which I don't really like anyway) but rather the alias that I've created for myself. Anyway, my situation is probably really different to yours because as much as I want to be able to be myself irl it's not going to happen unless I'm in a better environment where it would matter.

But on a different note there are a few things you said that really interested me. In your reply you said that there's nothing about people that interests you and that you don't really even have emotions. And before you said you were a deep thinker and had a lot of painful things going on in your head.
I'm going to be honest with you, I think you're underestimating the variety of humans there are. Most people don't interest me either but there's still the minority that are interesting. When you find someone that actually means something to you then you will make a bond that will probably bring back some of your feelings. I think you've taken the right approach of not just trying to befriend anyone expecting a deep and meaningful bond but you shouldn't give up. I'm not saying this to cheer you up or anything but I legitimately think that there is someone out there perfect for you in that way.
But I've always liked the emotionless, apathetic character which is why I like Miharu from Nabari so much. I'd reccomend you to check out that anime because the second half I think will have lots of meaning to you.

One thing I've learnt over the years is that people aren't going to be able to understand me and know what it's like in my position which means that the reverse is also true. I'm a deep thinker too and think about a lot of different things but the thing is I always have a headache. There's so much stuff going on in my head that it's always in constant pain unless I'm in that kind of mood where I just act automatically and have my brain completely switched off. But sometimes my brain goes pretty insane too. I remember a while ago when it was really really bad I seriously thought I'd go insane. I'm probably not good at explaining these things, which give me even more of a headache but the point is my head's pretty messed up too, so I can at least vaguely understand what it's like, I think. I'm pretty sure loneliness is going to be the cause of this though. When someone like you experiences a meaningful relationship I think life will change a lot.
Well that's all my head can take of this, good luck ^^

Foreversigh, it seems like you understand the problems I'm having and I thank you for trying to relate.

and as for a meaningful relationship I've been with the same woman for six years. But she doesn't even know that I'm hiding from her. And I do it because how terrified she would be how terrified you all would be if I set myself free.

the real me is like a feral creature, a monster
life would be so much better if I were alone forever.

>>9
It's normal to have that side of you, sometimes more insanely than others but its normal. You just can't let it get trigger and broken free from within you, it can get dangerous. Its not that you're afraid or lying to others or yourself who you are but its just best to conceal that side of you. You know yourself of what you're capable of and what you feel but doesn't mean it should be free or shown. That's why people get locked away its just not worth it. I'm as good as you explained about yourself so that's why I'm telling you about it. I like when people can express that side because you're not hiding it if you tell someone but to show it is when boundaries are being crossed. You can tell only certain people because it can cause certain problems because it is a dark side of you so you get the idea hopefully. I hope this help good luck out there, keep your piece of mind together.

>>11 I'm really curious of what your real self is like. It's starting to sound like Monster with a monster inside you. So what makes you think that that is really you? And I'm just wondering, but does this have anything to do with internal anger towards something?
One thing I should point out is that if you're always hiding your true self to "protect" others then you'll always be lonely. To be in a good relationship I've always looked at it as both people having to do two things, not get offended and not judge. If that's the case then it can be completely open and you don't have to worry about the others feelings.
I get really annoyed when someone hides things from me to "protect" me but the annoying thing is that the person with the secret has to make the call for the other person. They don't know how much they can cope or how bad the secret is. I really hate the idea of "happiness" over "truth" but I can never tell if sometimes you're meant to. But anyway, because you have this secret self dillemma you, my friend, are cursed. There's often no right answer either.
But I still like to hope, I still think you'll be able to find someone you can tell. I'm sure something will happen to change your view on this. See ya ^^

You aren't alone. A long time ago I was really happy and innocent, but of course the world won't let you stay that way, so I often only see the negative, and enjoy mostly the dark things, I realize I've changed so I try to hang on to myself and I still care immensely for the ones I love. So much so, that I create a mask and like my old happy self, so i won't hurt them. Even though it causes me pain to hide myself, I'd rather myself be hurt than my friends and family.

10/10 OP
I lol'd with vigor.

plus1worlock, are you sometimes afraid you would lose control? Something that would make you hurt someone? You say you think the real you is dangerus and terrifying. Do you think you really are dangerus to people around you? or might become that?

:^))

>>18 because you need to relax, man.

Copy Right? Someone should be more considerable because it really does happen to ppl. :/

I'm not sure I fully understand myself either. Like what the others said, I also put up a mask, a persona in front of people. No one knows the real me, and if they did, I would probably be talking to a therapist every day. But that's a pain, and I don't want to go through that. I'll make as many personas as I need to blend into society and not be shunned. That's the only way to be successful right?

nope.

I don't know who I am. I might be the guy who makes jokes and keeps a smile on his face around others, but inside I question myself what kind of person I truly am.

I'm not sure what I am. I think I know what I am, but does anyone truly know? It's sort of something that I don't think people are supposed to know.

i do

I can't really tell because it seems like I have a lot of personalities (I would say parts of my personality, but that doesn't quite fit). Or maybe I just have a really complicated personality. Let's just say that I'm everything (or something like that)