In my home and in my school, I'm jolly, cheerful and I often laugh with my friends.

But every time I go to birthday occasions or reunions on my mother's side (which I can't say that I don't want to attend if I don't have any valid reason), I feel like an outcast and the dumbest person among all when I'm surrounded by them. I smile, talk but only few, but deep inside I feel awkward. Every time I watch them talking and having fun with the others, I often think that "I shouldn't have gone here." But I can't escape.

My aunties even give me hints about finishing studies first before getting a bf (I'm in an LDR) like saying to the other visitors "Don't get a bf/gf first before finishing your studies, ok?" And it pretty hurts me much. I know that some of my cousins had a girlfriend, and I know some of my aunties knew about that.

Before my mom left for her new work in Cebu and only goes home 3 days/a week in a month, she told me "Don't worry about about what your aunties say. 'Cause their daughter's/son's life is pretty colorless 'cause they haven't experienced love life." But now that I'm the only one in the family who usually attend the occasions (my dad doesn't usually go), it makes my feelings toward them worse...

I feel guilty for myself because I have 'touched' myself a number of times already. I wanted to stop. Stop watching pornographic videos and do it. My bf and I have a secret to do when we meet again (but no farther sexual intercourse), and it was a promise that I couldn't 'cancel'. I sometimes feel guilty because of that 'cause I know that it is very illegal. When I told him "No, I changed my mind. It's illegal." He went sad and told me "But you promised. I thought you already trusted me on this."... This happened a lot of times and it was all the same moment. I changed my mind, he gets sad, I say "Fine, I'm sorry" , and then same cycle.

I still have a lot to say, but I think this is already getting longer...

What the hell is this life of mine, anyway? What just happened to myself...

>>1 Well, OP, I can understand why your aunties want others to not get into a relationship before finishing their studies, and its mainly due to the fact that they think that you will get distracted with studying, and your grades will drop, and the failure to get a job, etc. etc., you know the deal. Yet, they have to understand that falling in love is something a person can't just help doing; we're humans, and we have the right to do that. I would probably suggest talking to your mother about the relationship between you and your boyfriend.

Regarding the issue about the family gatherings, you should do what I do; just simply start talking to the adults and things of the like. Being a kid who always grew up around relatives who were much older than me, I got the chance to get comfortable with it. If your aunties begin to bother you regarding the relationship, they should respect the fact that you yourself have the right whether or not you want to be in a relationship, and just ignore them, or take it as a grain of salt. Also, I'm sure that you aren't dumb or an outcast. If I may ask, what makes you feel like this?

Now, about your relationship with your bf....
Don't do that kinda stuff. Don't promise him anything. If he begins to go sad and say, "But you promised.." Then tell him straight up no. From how I see it, its a form of manipulation, using your past decisions against you. You yourself have the choice. Now, this isn't entirely his fault. You also have to stop promising him to do "this" or "that". If you fully know and understand that whatever it is that you're doing is illegal, don't make the promise. Keep making promises like these and its gonna be quite troublesome.

Yet, the good thing about this is that you are realizing your problems; and all you have to do is either improve on it and/or fix them. It isn't too late to fix them either, so don't give up hope. Don't expect the changes to happen overnight though. It'll take time, but I'm sure you can do it. We're here for you, so smile! good luck with this, and sorry if this didn't help too much.. I'm a bit off today ^_^;

Thank you Faezon. And no, it really helped me so much. I appreciate all what you said and it made me feel all better. I understood all what you said. Thank you again ^_^
I'll do my best to fix these things up.

And for your question, well, I don't have higher grades than them. I had good grades when I was little,but when I went to Grade 4-high school my grades went lower until 75%. Plus I was bullied terribly when I was second year and I lost my confidence from there. Like I didn't know I who I was anymore.

>>3 Anytime! I'm glad to have helped you so. You can probably increase your grades by getting a tutor or studying, and boost your confidence in finding people you trust. But be careful with that too. There are many people who will act trust worthy, but are not. Otherwise, what do you think might have caused your grades to drop, other than the lack of confidence?