So for the past month or two, things have been kinda crazy. I literally can't talk to anyone about any of this. I am actually back in the Dollars if that is any indication how much I need help right now.

The girl I love (we'll label her Angel) had a party a while back. See, Angel and I tell eachother everything and help eachother through a lot and I do lots and lots of little things for her and she always tells me how caring I am and blahblahblah (yeah, right, I may be awesome, but you chose a different boyfriend...pfft, I'm not bitter or anything.) So to step my game up, and to show her I'm even more caring, I wanted to remind her that I don't do these things JUST for her benefit; I help out a lot of people the same way I help out her, that's what I do. The best way to show this, would be to help out a friend of hers, but a stranger to me.

I should have known trying to do something nice for my own gain wouldn't work out. Nothing works out in my favor.

I sat next to a very introverted girl at Angel's party, under the assumption from reading this girl's body language that something happened in her life recently and she was afraid to open up again. Bingo. Dead on. Talked through some stuff with her, got what I assumed was the "it's complicated" general situation:
She loved a boy. Boy broke her heart. She doesn't know if she wants him back or not.

So, connecting some dots through the night, found out who the boy was, and what she wanted, and began angling my "play" in that direction (not necessarily a womanizing play, but a play to fix all her problems as fast as possible.)

Basically, after the night was over, the next time I see Angel, she asks me "...Hey, how do you feel about _____(Blank)?" That fateful question guaranteeing you made an impression on someone, as you know darn well Blank and Angel talk, and that they ended up talking about me. At the end of mine and Angel's conversation, I gave the OK for Angel to pass along my number to Blank; and from there, connecting more dots, I get a bigger grasp of Blank's situation:

Blank and I talk more. And from her phrasal of certain things, and how she gauged into topics... The previous situation of 'she was heartbroken and not sure what she wants' was revealed to be 'she was heartbroken and wants him back'...or so I thought. And from there, judging by what Blank and I talked about; the situation became:

Blank will use me to make her ex jealous. All while I talk her through her problems like a real boyfriend would, do amazing things like a boyfriend would, all to drive Blank's ex back to her. It was never explicitly stated as such, but I assumed that was what she wanted. Which I was actually more than 200% OK with, getting used as a stepping stone to make someone happy is what I was BORN TO DO. That's all I've ever done. This would work out for me really well too, as I would fix her problems, and possibly make Angel jealous too while showing what I am like as a boyfriend (she's only heard stories, never seen first hand, I suspect she doubts.) Blank would be happy, and should I show Angel I'm even better than her already high opinion of me, I would be happy too. And so that became my new plan, allow her to use me until her problems were fixed.

A handful of random dates later, and through many, MANY, more conversations... I connect a few dots to realize this isn't the situation anymore. Not going to say I'm good at getting information out of people, but I learned more about her than probably even Angel at that point. It changed from "wanting him back" to a huge side-plot of sexual-assault. Which, in all my past experience dealing with this, becomes a wild card when dealing with emotions as any form of sexual assault can leave such huge and gaping psychological wounds in different places for everyone... If I had known sooner, would have taken things in a different way, and I would have been more careful... Because now I realize that rather than being "the friend that was there for me when I needed it" and "the one I'll use to make him jealous", I was "the FIRST one to show me not all men are evil anymore" (paraphrased of her words) and she just generally formed an attachment to me.

I think she has stronger feelings for me now than I anticipated (no duh, Butterfly, you're an idiot.) Once the whole sexual assault thing got settled more or less (it's still a mess right now, but most of that is legal, she's at least thinking more clearly and working on her way to recovery, and I'm really happy for her;) she's finally come to terms with how she feels about this guy, and how she hates him (it took a lot for her to come to that conclusion, rape can mess with a mind so terribly, especially when done by someone you thought you could trust, please don't think down on her or anyone else for taking their time getting to this point.)

So she no longer wants him back obviously. Where does that leave me? Rather than a fake-boyfriend, I think she wants a real one... And as I became to integral to her life over the past few months, being the only one to really talk to her and take her side in the whole situation... She's choosing me.

My problem is that I don't love her... I love Angel. I could make Blank very happy, I could work her through all her problems, and could do amazing boyfriend things like I've done is previous relationships I've had... But in the end, I already know she'd turn into just that "a previous relationship." I don't hold any feelings for her to separate her from my friends. Angel has always been pushing me towards a relationship with her (obviously Blank and Angel talk, so if Angel is encouraging it, chances are Blank has told her she more-than-just-likes me.) But I just don't feel anything different when I'm around her... I just feel like she's someone with a screwed up past that I'm willing to stay up all night talking to, and I have hundreds of those... Angel is who I'd stop at nothing to die a thousand times for just to see her smile for an instant. Call it an over-valued romanticization, but that is how I feel... I could go through every motion of "love"ing Blank, but I wouldn't feel it. I would make her happy, I could solve all her problems... But I wouldn't feel a thing. I'd get all the cuddles I'd ever want when she's ready (she's already cuddling onto me a lot now, and we aren't even together yet) but that wouldn't make me happy in any sense different from "making other people happy makes you happy." I'd feel happy for her. I'd feel happy for her problems getting resolved. I'd feel happy for her trusting people again. I'd feel happy for her finally overcoming something as serious as what happened to her. But not happy. Just happy for. A crucial difference... But the only thing that could make me happy would be Angel, and I know it's never, EVER, going to happen. At all. Ever. So the closest thing to happiness I can feel is "happy for," the same "happy for" I've been sending to everyone I talk to. Everyone's problems I take care of, Angel's, Blank's, even total strangers I meet online through Tumblr, or Skype, or anyplace. It isn't my own happiness, but the next best thing...right?

I am really conflicted now on what I should choose. I could choose to get into a relationship with someone I don't love and make them happier than they had ever been, all to inevitably break their heart one day, and to completely and fully seal my fate away from Angel (you can't just date a friend of someone, break their heart, and then get with them...) Blank loves me, I am getting reaffirmed of this through our texts, through other people's texts, through everything... Blank knows I love Angel, knows how emotionally unavailable I am... and yet still loves me. She asked about all my exes too (maybe it's different for those you've dealt with, but when someone starts asking about my exes, it usually means they want to see your history, and see how you handle things, imagining how it would work.) And I just...don't see me loving them back... In her words "...you have so much love to give" which I'm assuming is a general implication she would like me to pursue this... I just feel like a terrible person for loving someone else. A terrible, terrible, awful person. I'm trying to come to terms with this, I really am. Trying to psych myself up to actually feel something for her... But whenever I try... I just can't even picture it... I can't picture feeling anything other than guilt when I imagine kissing her. Is that what love is supposed to feel like? Is it greedy of me to not do this? This is what she wants, this would make her happy, this could solve more of her problems than I could even describe in this post, but not me.

I have always prided myself in being so willing to forego my own happiness to make others feel better... That's what I've always told people, that's what I've always done. Feeling immense pain, just to make someone smile for a minute, that's my life, that's the path I chose. But I'm not willing to JUST get into a relationship I don't want to make someone happy? Do I only work in extremes? What is wrong with me? I imagine taking bullets for people, jumping in front of trains, any form of dying. I help Angel through relationship garbage just to make her happy, and I'm sure everyone here knows that talking the girl you love into a relationship with someone else hurts at least a little, right? But I can't accept this? I am such a waste... I am a liar... I guess everything I've ever told people is a lie... I probably don't even love Angel, I couldn't right? What's the problem with me sealing myself away from her then? I just...

...I want to die, because I can't choose between my mind and my heart I guess. I don't have a heart, so I know my mind is winning. Making someone else happy at my own expense is what I am programmed to do. My heart has been ripped out of me so many times, all I can feel like is throwing up... like someone is punching me in the stomach over and over again...

>>1 you remind me of someone, he umm wasn't a very "good" person, but I always knew he had a reason and later found out exactly why, doesn't justify his actions but makes them understandable. You sound like him, he always talked about how he didn't have a heart, how he could never really love someone else. He was a heartbreaker. He felt really guilty after awhile and one day told me that he was going to seriously give a girl a chance, he felt "obligated" to, and he didn't love her, but he tried to make her happy. He was unhappy and later on, as far as I know, he broke up with her.
Although this little plan of her's that she came up with was a terrible idea, you went along with it and now it's your responsibility as well as her's. Envy doesn't get anyone anywhere unless it's trying to better yourself in a positive way (occasionally). You told her that you love Angel right? Well then she should understand your feelings and understand that you can't be with her romantically, and if she doesn't then tell her. She needs to understand this, and you need to as well. The two of you going out is a bad idea. So don't overcomplicate it further. You can still support her though, tell her that you're there for her as a friend and will help her through her hard times. You at least are obligated to be there for her, just not romantically. Help her understand her feelings and eventually move onto a healthy relationship, not all guys are evil, there are plenty of other nice guys out there.
Now for your feelings for Angel... You love her, you do but if you really loved her then her happiness alone would be enough. I suppose you could just be there, keep trying, love her from a distance, be happy just being there for her as a friend. She could always change her mind as well. But if it's not meant to work out with her romantically, that means that there is someone out there that you'll be able to love and that love be fairly requited. Just don't be so hung up on her that you don't give others a chance.
You deserve to be happy, especially if you've helped so many people. It's okay to be a little selfish too. You shouldn't kill yourself though, there's someone waiting out there for you you know, you may not have met them yet but they're there. If you feel like you need to talk this out, the Dollars are here for you, as am I. I hope that this helps.

We are all here for you. I can be the same way. Helping people deal with their lives is what I do best. I listen to people when they talk, give them ideas on how to move on, etc.
I never could grow close to people though, but some of them grew too close to me. I don't show emotions towards certain people or ideas, but they you describe it, I would give her a chance, and go on a actual date (after a million fake ones), and see where it goes. If you still feel nothing, no harm no fowl, right?, but if you do start to develop feelings for her, then go for it.
That's my advice, take it or leave it. Doesn't really to me, but at least give her a chance. okay? After all you done to help her with the feelings she had inside, let her help you with how you feel.

Butterfly I don't know if your asking the right questions, you asked if you need to give up your own goals and happiness to assist someone else's goal, how ever that puts you in an atuomatic mind set that states that you have two options and each are going to let someone down. You love angel, if you look at the way you write about her, you seem more comfortable talking about her existence than you were when talking about anything else.

The question you should be asking is "how can I remain blanks mental support without having her being damaged by my decision not to date her?" You stated yourself that breaking up with her after dating her for a long period of time will be drastic for You, blank, and angel; that's not what you want. If you and angel have a mutual trust then bring this up to her. Explain to her that you aren't to a large degree emotionally connected to her, and that you can't visualize it in your head. Once you have explained yourself to angel, try confronting blank about how her perspective on people, explain to her that the most healthiest thing for her right now would be to see the good in all people. Invite angel and blank and go to a park or a coffee shop and every half an hour or so have blank yourself and angel if she wants to go and talk to random strangers just for a bit to introduce your selfs and for some small talk. Blank will be inclined to break out of her introverted shell which will I turn do multiple things one, have her be more open to change, two have her meet other people to see the good in them to reduce any dormint trauma, and three still have you as a counceller and helping her but she will become more independent of your help so that she won't see you as the only option and solution to her inner conflict. Develop out a plan and explain it to her as something that's a project to heal her and fully explain it to her and write it out if nesicary so that it doesn't seem like your just throwing her away and that should not be your goal anyway but you have to make that clear. Develop these plans with angel tho because that way one you prove to her that you care enough not to hurt her, have it be credited so that disputes will be easier confirmed or denied, two minds is better than one. While you and blank are together slowly make it so that you aren't treating it like a date but a friendship, easiest way to do that is by being around a bunch of friends. Keeping goals in mind is important so that you know how to plan ahead the long term goals I see are, date angel, have blank be happy without dating you, and for you to still be happy over all.

Normally I try to give general psycology based help not instructional help so I feel like I don't help too much this time at all. I hope that this works out in your most favorable fashion. I would be willing to continue trying to help, my email is tictacopia@yahoo.com if that's an easier way to communicate. (I feel like I didn't help much so sorry if I'm right...)

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