So today wasn't all that pleasant and in the last two years neither has my life. Its sad because there is nothing really WRONG with my life besides a family I dislike and friends that can be tough to handle at time. I do reasonably okay in school and I have a fairly secure and enjoyable job.

Why am I writing this? Its that time again. I feel utterly worthless, like a burden to peoples lives. All the colours have left my world and everything is grey, uninteresting and bland. Simple tasks seem larger than reality and Im finding myself falling behind everyone. I cannot sleep enough and when I do I cant pull myself from bed, as if I may as well not have been asleep in the first place. My dreams are riddled with horrid images and I keep suffering bad bouts of sleep paralysis on the night I have been sleeping. I have very little self respect and abuse myself through the over use of drinking, smoking and taking other drugs.

This is where I'm headed; tonight I felt horrible. Like I was ready to cease to exist. Something clicked and it didnt leave. I was going to walk under a car when my family has gone to bed. Unfortunately this is not the first time I have planned to do this. Instead, when I got to my room, I remember a box of codein I had found not too long ago and had placed in a drawer next to my bed. After swallowing ten pills I stopped and thought to myself how stupid what I was doing was. Not the fact that I was going to die, ut that I was going about it the wrong way. I thought about how painkillers cant kill you and actually found myself amused act the fact I thought this.

So now Im sitting here writing this because; I feel really great. My body feels light and numb and my eyes heavy. Like the moment before sleep comes easy and you're in total bliss. Im suprised that something so basic can make me feel like this and my question is, how bad is this? Not just on my health both mentally and physically but also morally? Is it bad that I find it okay numbing myself to stop these occuring suicidal and mrobid thoughts?

Thats all I wish to ask. Any reccomendations on other safer drugs or methods are welcome, but no directing toward pysochologists or counsellors please because I have already had one explain to me; If you aren't willing to open up or speak about yourself then there isnt a point in you being here. Which in retrospect, I am not comfortable or ready to do with anyone (besides through this anonimity) quite yet.

Thanks, yours truly
Distressor

>>2 I never recommend people to counselors because relatively few people actually need and/or benefit from them, or so I think...

The question is though, are you a drug user or do you have problems that you want to fix? Only you can answer that.

From my experience the greatest pains are the ones that seem insignificant. I hope I didn't misunderstand but you sounded like you're hurting but feel like you shouldn't be. To anyone you situation doesn't look half bad right? Maybe that's just me. There are many things wrong with this world. One of them is that we are born relying on people so unless we will often just become a burden. But you find life boring and purposeless too. Unfortunately, in my opinion, that's just seeing clearly...for now. The future's unpredictable. Who knows what will happen. It might be the same forever, it might change drastically, we might not even exist for much longer.
I'm in a similar situation to you, and I have been for a while now. All I can really give is my empathy. The way I've always seen this as a truth that once found won't let you be the same again. It's like life was meant to be lived involyntarily and without much thought. But now we can't stop thinking. We look at the world differently and think too much that we can't even sleep properly anymore. We just want to run away from this life and our existence in general. What we need is something in life or at least someone who understands what it's like.

I don't know whether what you are doing is right or wrong. It might be the only way to escape from it. I personally don't do it but I'm mentally unstable snd don't even know what's going on anymore. It's obviously not the "right" way or prefferred way but it might be the only way. The best way would be to find something fullfilling and people who understand you. The more possible way is to forget but that's not something we can voluntarily do.

I don't know if that made sense or was applicable but it reminded me of me. I apologise if I missed something or did something wrong. And I also apologise if I was depressing and made it worse. Best of luck ^^

>>2 NOt a big drugs user, besides drinking alot and a bit of cannabis smoking every now and again. I font intend to stop these things really. Does tat answer your question at all?

>>3 I understand and appreciate what you just wrote, Ive managed to wake up in a really brilliant mood, a lttle groggy, but brilliant nevertheless. Thank you, I hope you manage t struggle on too

>>1 you sound like you may have depression and although drugs and alcohol are a temporary fix, you have to make sure that you don't form a dependency on them. You need to realize your emotions, your sadness, anger, boredom, etc. and make peace with them. Figure out what's really hurting you and attempt to fix it. If you can't then find something productive to do, to keep you busy, like literature, art, music, anime, etc. Depressants, like alcohol and cannabis, will only make it worse, and I'm sorry to tell you that.
About your sleeping problems, you may want to see a physician for that problem alone for now, sleep helps a lot so if you're not sleeping well then it'll just be another factor making you feel worse.
A lot of people have those days, the days that we want to just disappear, I had some of them last week. But it does get better, suicide is never the answer, there are people that will miss you and will be terribly saddened, even if you don't realize that, there are people that care about you, we Dollars care about you, I care about you.
And it's not wrong of you to feel so good about numbing yourself, that's just another defence mechanism, everyone has different ones, for instances, I repress everything. It's pretty normal when you really think about it, however that doesn't make it healthy. You can talk to us anonymously here, we'll support you. I do recommend seeing a therapist when you're ready though, or if it gets any worse. I hope that this helps.

>>4 You needn't have answered it for me but since you did, yes it does answer the question. Sorry things turned out that way for you.

Ah, I just read this part "If you aren't willing to open up or speak about yourself then there isnt a point in you being here. " ...I didn't realize this was part of the request earlier, so I'll leave that to you if you want to ask. But I will say one thing: I have never used, nor will I ever use drugs that alter my cognitive or sensory abilities by my own will. Otherwise, my apologies if I'm cluttering this thread.