I couldn't understand all of it...but look, rather than ending your life, put all that hard work you've been doing all this time to good use. You sound like an amazingly hard worker, graduate from college, get a great job, and say good bye to your family and move somewhere to start a new life...You could do that and I'm sure no one would blame you. If they did then they clearly don't understand how you've felt. The important thing I'm trying to say, your birth family isn't your life, not when you get older, so don't do anything like harming yourself anymore. It's not worth it in anyway.