So today I found out a friend of mine killed himself yesterday. I can't believe how hard of a blow it's taken on me in just a few hours. I'm so worried about my friends brother. Here, we'll call my friends brother V, and my lost friend R. R killed himself yesterday, ON EASTER, and today V told me about it at the bus-stop on the way to school. I've been crying all day and I'm just....*sigh* hurting so bad. I've lost friends in the past too. My uncle died on drugs, I lost two friends in elementary school when their mother snapped and killed them and then herself. My cousin is in a group home after his uncle died because his mother is too abusive to take care of him, and everyday I worry he's gonna kill himself. Anyway, I knew R like a buddy more than a best friend. I know his brother V better. R and I talked and hung out sometimes, and I always noticed how he truly seemed to understand when I said I was feeling lonely or depressed. He seemed like such a lonely kid, and I could relate completely to that, so we became friends. I really knew nothing about him though. Only that he was smart, hated his brother, and knew how to play poker really well. We played poker together all the time. We had such a silent but strong bond, and now....Jeez it's like losing a rare person who understands the battle you've been fighting your entire life. He seemed to truly get what it was like to hurt, but we never got so deep in our loneliness discussions that suicide became evident. I feel guilty for not noticing his pain was so bad. I feel sick and scared. I feel worried about V. I'm waiting for our school to do some assembly and for it to pop up on the news. I'm just stuck here waiting now, and I don't even know how things are gonna change when that waiting is over. I'm scared and lost, and even though I've known those two feelings for more than half my life, it's still hitting me like a brick wall.

I am going through something similar right now actually with a family member and if there's anything I'm afraid of, it's that. Over the course of this process, I've come to realize a few things I wouldn't have considered before. And, though this isn't what I think you need to hear, I completely understand your postition. Even if it was only a dream brought about by the reality of the situation I and that family member are in, I felt it. That realization that it's too late and you never said anything. I am so sorry this wasn't just a dream for you.

Of the things I've learned: I never realized how important feeling needed can be for a person in this kind of situation. If you have any suspicion that V might consider taking his own life, now's the chance you have to talk to him. Tell him how you feel about the whole situation, about what his brother was for you, and how you need him in that same way you needed his brother. Even if it's not completely true. Feeling needed and feeling wanted are very important, and at the same time very different. I am sure V feels wanted by you, you're friends after all, but maybe he needs something else. This is the most important bit of insight I can give. Of course, you might not even be the one that should put this advice into play. Don't hesitate to mention your concern to others that are close to him. That's another thing I've realized, other people can make up for things you may lack...give things you aren't capable of. I wish you the best, and glad you're with us.

>>1 losing the people you care about never gets any easier, and it's perfectly normal to feel the way that you do. You can't beat yourself up about what had happened to R, that was his choice and although people could have helped him, he just went down that road. It may sound harsh but you can't blame yourself, that just makes it harder for you and everyone else as well. You need to focus on grieving and remembering all the things that you liked about R, all the things that he would want you to remember him by.
Like what >>2 said, you need to help V grieve as well, it must be even harder on him and he probably needs your help, so stay strong together.