(note this is going to be a long post)
I didn’t think that I would ever have to ask for others help but I’ve been feeling really different recently. My life feels so empty and pointless and I feel so lonely too. This isn’t anything new but it seems to be really starting to get to me. I never really got depressed or thought that I would but I think I’m really depressed right now. I always used to be “blank” about things like this I guess but it’s like it’s worn off and I really need something now. My situation (or rather the kind of person I am maybe) is really unique or different so there’s a lot more to it. One of the main reasons that I didn’t post something really personal is because I didn’t think that I could explain it well or even if others could understand it. It’s not simple loneliness and being in a bad position or anything but is much more.

Anime is pretty much the biggest thing I’ve got in my life so it makes sense to use anime characters to help explain. The two main characters that I related to are Gaara (Naruto) and Miharu/Yoite (Nabari). Gaara was pretty much what got me into anime because I loved his character so much because of how no one understood him and how he was so lonely and purposeless. He was just me (or a major part of me). Miharu I relate to a lot to because of how apathetic he is to everything and his relationship with Yoite gives me a little bit of hope. The way I see it is that it’s not really that I don’t care about anything but rather only care about what’s important which is why I don’t seem to be interested in normal day life kind of things. But, sadly enough, I’m not Miharu and as much as I think I can not care about anything, I still do. I’m not the kind of guy who can just live life alone for no reason without caring. And I doubt that I will just randomly come across someone to be like Yoite for me. This is the real world after all. But I do feel like some other characters as well. Like Sato from Welcome to the NHK. I’m sort of like a hikikimori because I’m not studying or doing anything with my life but I also feel a little like Anri (drrr) because I’m just a burden on everyone. And the insanity and headaches that Sato got is just way too real. That’s one of the things that I hate so much about our life, the expectations and pressure we have on us. I just want to live life as an observer without having to depend on others or have others rely on me. But I can’t support myself on my own so I’m just a burden on everyone. We are born a burden on people and can’t survive on our own. My family I want to have nothing to do with in the future so I feel really bad for being a burden on them all this time. Life’s just so dumb because my family pretty much has the opposite views and perception to me so it’s probably not even possible for them to begin to understand me. I won’t get into the details but simply put they’re not right for me.

I feel that I’m straying from the main problem I have though. I’ve always thought that even if I don’t have any purpose or anything if I find someone who understands me and I can be really close to then it will fill in the gap. I have friends in rl and they’re fun and all but they don’t understand me at all and don’t go any deeper than normal life. They’re not the kind of people that I can just open up to about anything. What I’m looking for is like the relationship between Hikaru and Kauru (Ouran High School Host Club). I just love how close those two are. They know everything about each other and can talk to each other about anything. I just love it. I just want someone that close to me that will always be there for me (doesn’t have to be in rl) and that we both understand each other. I feel that it’s too unrealistic or late though because they’ve known each other forever and grew up together but also are twins. For someone like me to get a friend like that seems impossible now, even if it was possible to happen. I feel that what I’m after either doesn’t exist or I won’t ever find. The truth is that we probably weren’t meant to be alone but we weren’t meant to just be with anyone either. I don’t even know if what I’m saying makes sense or gives the right impression but it’s not a simple problem. I might have already said that already. My heads a mess so I don’t even know anymore.

I’m an agnostic so I really need someone who thinks a lot about our existence and purpose and stuff and has that uncertain perception on life. I’m putting this in just so that people like Christians no that they won’t understand me at all (which I know from being in a really strong Christian family but I don’t hate them or anything). I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say about me for you to understand what I’m like but whatever. The dollars have a lot of different people in it so I’m hoping that at least someone can help.

To be honest my perception of other people has been really low because I’ve always thought of myself as superior, I guess, to others because I think on a different level to them. To be fair though I grew up surrounded by Christians so I’m not sure what the rest of you are like. I just feel that the afterlife and our purpose is really important and everyone seems to just ignore it and only care about normal life. It just seems pointless to me and I just can’t get into it. There’s got to be more to life than this right?

So pretty much the problem is that I feel so empty and purposeless but most importantly, lonely. I apologise to the friends I have from the dollars but I just need more I guess. Something like that. I’m terrible at explaining things. I hope someone can help. If you need me to clarify something then just let me know.

everything has a time. time to weep, time to laugh. Being lonely is a great thing you know? it's a sign that you're still feeling something means you're alive. You won't appreciate happiness if you've never felt loneliness. Being empty you say? well, you'll be filled again with lots of new things. :) keep your spirit up. remember that you are loved.

>>1I'm agnostic too and delusional (like Takumi from Chaos;head) so I understand what you're going through. However, you can't let someone else's life become your life. People have really hard times understanding each other, it's a little saddening but no one will fully understand you, mostly because people barely understand themselves let alone others. But that's okay, it's not a bad thing to not be understood, you're unique and that's fine, actually more than fine, it makes you special in your own way.
Making friends isn't necessarily easy but as long as you're nice, you'll one day meet someone who can understand you.

>>3 Sorry I haven't seen Chaos;head so I'm not sure what that means. I do get what you mean but on the reverse we aren't meant to be alone. Being alone is a really painful thing. This might sound really bad but it's not about getting someone to like me but rather getting me to like them. I don't hate anyone but it's more that I want to get close enough to someone that it can't just be anyone. I'm looking for a minority or significance with this. Something like that. Actually, it's more that I want someone to understand me a lot, not fully. I agree that no one will ever fully understand anyone. That's actually why my favourite quote is "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle"-Plato.
That reminds me I forgot to mention that I think of myself as someone who doesn't judge or take offence at all.
Thanks for replying though Neko-tama.

>>2 I suppose that I don't agree with you because I don't really care whether I 'feel' alive or not if I don't have a purpose or reason to live to begin with. So really it means nothing to me, no offence. I'm not sure why people think that it's gauranteed that life will get better. In reality we don't. For all I know I'll die tomorrow. And I'll say this again, we weren't meant to be alone.

Indeed we were not meant to be alone. I can see you are still struggling, foreversigh. I think you are just overthinking things,even if we got all answers to every problem and the purpose of existence itself, it would not change anything. Just live your life, meet new people, and before you know it, you will have a good friend. I am sorry I talked about it is such a roundabout way, but it is hard for me to explain to you. You can talk to me about anything you want, you have my contact, I will not hate, but answer with honesty.

That thought just happened to cross my mind weeks ago. Here's my opinion.

For me lonelines is between a good thing and a bad thing. I don't believe that no man is an island. You can live by yourself if you're wise enough to live through your whole life. You don't have to depend on others. Unfortunately for me I'm still depending on my father but because of him lecturing me what I should and should not do, I learn to become independent. No one is purposeless. It takes time to find out their true purpose in life.

I don't have many friends. The problem about me is how I say things that seems unrealistic to others in which they cannot fathom my words at all which is why I always wonder if I'm weird or I'm right or I'm all alone. I've been thought of as a thickheaded person since I get a hard time understanding things. So I told myself I'm unique because I am different from the rest.

To me anime is my life. Different stories and characters resembled my life. Only thing is I'm surrounded by people who thinks anime is childish and they told me I should grow up. I hated them. I always wanted a friend who loves anime and has the same thoughts and interest as me. Actually I just wanted a friend who I could hold on to and escape from the real world. I don't mean suicide but more like running away from this place.

Looking for a friend who could understands you a lot isn't easy to find. It takes a lot of patience so good luck in finding that person. Who knows that person had always been with you and he/she had the same thoughts as you.

I actually understand your post. Not all of them though but I do get what you're trying to say. You remind me of my dad, maybe that's why I get you.

>>7 Yeah it's probably true that we can live alone. In reality I guess that we are the only one that we can rely on in life. But I always thought that I would be fine on my own and that loneliness doesn't affect me but sadly it does. It might not be possible to survive without other people. People rely on each other in life. Isn't that just how life works?

I'm going to be honest and straight with this. I don't see why people think that it's guaranteed that we have a purpose or that life will get better. The future is unpredictable so I don't see why people think that we know these things. If it's a matter of truth-vs-happiness then I choose truth. I want life to be real but maybe a real life isn't a true one then. I don't know.

Thanks for understanding though and replying.