1 Name: X : 2014-04-18 18:55 ID:Tzxnuxmm [Del]
Thanks for taking the time to read this for those who did.
It's like this. After father got a stroke since I was in second grade, he had been gradually failing in both physicality and mentality. I'm a 9th grader now.
He cannot move his left part of the body. More difficult to, at least.
There are many examples how lots of people recovered from stroke after hard work and putting their efforts in it. However, father got lazier. He sat there, doing nothing. Not trying to recover, not doing at least some sorts of rehab activities or at least massaging himself. He got violent too, and whenever we told him to do something, or kind of like, tell him what to do, correct him, he either just brush us away or brush what we said away, or explode. He never hit us, he explode, he yell, sometimes like a lunatic, etc. It's scary, but in time, we got used to it, especially me. I am able to reply using my calm voice without crying now, but many times mother and sister yelled or cried.
Father did nothing to help himself recover, he made fake promises, sometimes, when sister and I cried so much and exploded ourselves. He never fulfilled it.
It's strange, he said he did all those rehab activities, when he obviously didn't. We watched him all day, and he didn't, he really didn't. Yet, he made it seem like not a lie, he actually exploded saying he did. Sometimes I wonder if we're too harsh on him, but the fact that he truly didn't do anything to help himself recover, for more than 8 years now he got worse and worse. We thought that even if he didn't do anything, at least make himself look like a father. At least put on his clothes properly and correctly, when he has his right part of the body available. Every week, aunt gave him massaging. It worked like magic, whenever the massage ended, his body improved a hell ton. Yet, he never kept it up. Every week, the same process repeat itself, and he failed again. Gradually, with the pain he had to endure while being massaged, he not only explode at us, but also at aunt too.
There are many increasing reasons he made lose respect at him as my father. I do not intend to say all of my reasons or intend to make them specific and detailed. Even to strangers who will never know who I am I still feel uncomfortable talking about it.
What I would say, though, was when I was so hurt by him I forgot how long I cried that time. And how mother got hurt too. His altitude almost acted like he did not care for us at all.
(But he did. I swear he did. Because he still asked questions of concerns. So I still continued to call him "dad," so we still had that tiniest bit of hope in him, even though mother barely did.)
One time, mother exploded at him, saying that "Maybe I should move out" (said mother to father). Father replied "Who are you talking to?"
Mother, in a rage, said "myself"
Father said "Oh. Okay."
and this one other time, I exploded. I screamed, "Will you even care if I commit suicide" and he ignored me like I'm not there.
But he still care. I swear. I swear to god. I want to believe that.
But the thing is, this altitude of dad and his laziness put all the burden upon mom. Yes, sister and I admit that we did not help mom enough. She is the most short-tempered in the family, and many times, as teenagers often thought what their moms said didn't make sense. Yes, she's oversensitive at times and stuffs. but that's not what we're saying.
Despite all the arguments we had, as children often argue with their mothers (at least for us) she cared about us the most. Preparing the meals most of the time alone (for most of the time sis and I are busy) especially dinner, and doing the chores, etc. We sisters have to admit that we do not give enough helps, that we've already been trying to change.
But mother have to deal with so many things alone, and most of the time whenever she saw dad doing nothing again, she exploded. And sometimes, dad argued back. Scolding/Arguing becomes normal in my family. Sister often joined in, I sometimes did. Either way, there's always so much pressure, hardest on mom.
We love mom.
But mom's not the healthiest.
Actually, I'm the only healthy one in the family. Sister's body is weak, mom's overworking herself, her heart's not strong though not entirely weak. Her chest often feel pain etc.
And I also feel like only my mentality is the healthiest. Sister kind of was driven crazy with father's day-by-day act. Mother's temper got worse. I, though have times when I really want to die I try to stay optimistic and avoid those thoughts. At least, my social status is the widest, and there's friends who's true friends and will listen out for me, for the best.
Sister have me, and I have her. I think that's practically why our bond is so strong and we're so close even though we're 8 years apart.
However, mother doesn't have much. She is not like other moms of other people, who can just go out and make friends and talk. She's not as open either, and would rather keep her thoughts inside, then one day explode.
Her health got worse with the work, and I'm scared, so is sister.
And we love her and wish her to get more open, sis and I often have long convos about our family and mother, and father. Do we not care enough about father? We should be more helpful to mother. I start to listen to what father has to say. Sister tried it a long time ago and it failed, but I wanna work on it again. And reason out why what he said is wrong, and accept the parts where he said is right.
But we're all scared for mother.
And we're all afraid that one day, she will be gone. You never know what will happen. One day, she can just be...Gone. You know. Mother always have this guilt that she's never with them when her parents died. And it always came out unexpected. Grandpa said there's an event at blabla, so she attended it. Grandpa died within the days she was gone.
One day we received news that grandma died. Mother only managed to attend her funeral.
You never know.
When it come to herself, her own health, she often just brush those bad possibilities aside but, when mother spit out blood, it scared us all.
Cause it might mean cancer.
Lung cancer.
Yes, there are all types of other possibilities. But still, she said her throat's kinda swollen so just some disease in the throat must be it but, no. Her own body conditions match with the possibility of lung cancer. It scares us, and she's the type who doesn't care about her own health.
I am kind of typing this to like, let myself off. Also, to see what you guys think of this. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. QwQ
