Hi everybody.

I always knew something was wrong with me, but i couldn't figure out well. Depression, social awkardness, isolation status, paranoia, nevrosis...
I always wanted to have a normal life, with a group of friends and an happy family, or a least a normal family with normal problems.
I tried, i tried so hard to fit into society, despite being myself all the time. I've wanted so bad to feel like at home, somewhere. I couldn't.
But now I'll have a lot of time to think.
I don't want to sound pathetic, yet I'm realizing that- yes, I AM pathetic. But that's ok, as long as I realize it.
For some little time, very little, I could almost believe that i've found my place, my home, here, between all of you.
I was wrong, again.
But at least here I tried. I tried better than all of the other times. I still failed.

But i would like to thank you all, if you are reading this and even if you aren't. All together you gave me a possibility, without even realizing it...You are still complete strangers to me, and I am a complete stranger for you all, but that's ok.
It will hurt less.

I won't be anymore here for...I don't know. I don't even know if i'll be back.
I'm going to be hospitalized tomorrow because of pulmonary adenocarcinoma.
Until some weeks ago i thought i could have a better life, after school and all. Finding a job, a boyfriend maybe, a house. A family.
I thought i could get out of my depression and live an happy life, the one i've always dreamt of.
I'm sorry to tell you all that, sometimes, it isn't like this.
I'm not even sure I'll end school. I'm not even sure I'll be alive by next Christmas, now, nothing is sure.

But when something like this happens, you start to think.
Guys, from every part of the world: no matter how hard your life seems, no matter how much you suffer, there IS a end to all of this. Nothing lasts forever, nothing. Fight for it, never give up. You'll think back, and you'll find yourself even stronger; the change in your life starts inside you, you have to build it and you have to make it possible: because it is possible, it always is.

I will also fight to see you all again. I'm sorry for Solace, I couldn't draw the picture *he requested me in time.
I'll fight because i want to see all of you again.

Always remember than it is not necessary to have cancer to realize that you don't want to die in life. The answer to all you problems is in you, and in the efforts you make in your life. It may take long, but it's not the end. It is not the end.

Goodbye everybody.

Hello coffee,
I guess since we are all complete stranger I don't mind posting this.
First, may I ask what your age is?
Second I just want to say staying on this site has help me realize and maybe reach out to the people that understand me the most. Though I don't think you will believe me, but my life story are complicated as everyone else is and we are in a sense trying to reach out to the people that understand us the most even if it is a stranger.
I guess you have come to realize that the people on this site treat each other with most respect, even though we are stranger we are here because we share a common interest.
Now into the topic no one is pathetic the fact that you try to fit in or be yourself are effort and I don't think that pathetic...Well I can't really truly connect or understand a person though several lines and paragraphs of word so I can't really say that I can help you solve your problem or at least talk about it. It all up to you, the fact that you post something here is already an effort, and all you need now is to find the people that you can connect with.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!! (I don't really think you need it anyway)

>>1 I'll miss you Coffee~! T~T <3 even though we're strangers it often seemed like we'd be friends if we weren't strangers.
Come back alive okay?
Take it from me, finding home and fitting in with society sometimes doesn't work no matter how hard you try; I've been there, I've tried, and I failed. But what I realized was that normality is overrated, being average isn't as nice as others make it out to be, you may feel alone at times but that comes with being unique and there is nothing wrong with being unique.
Embrace who you are and make you the best you that you could ever be. And always keep moving forward :'3 <3

>>1
It's sad to hear that you will be leaving us.
But don't leave with such a depressing state of mind.
Know that you will always belong here, at Dollars.
We are all weird and different. And don't you forget that these differences are what bring people together.
We will miss you if you end up going.
Try and stay with us a bit longer because you might be able to find some similar people.
Don't lose the will to live so soon.
Life is precious and you could have affects on people that no one else can make.
But if you are really going. I will just say Goodbye :'(
We are strangers, but we are not heartless.

>>1 Coffee.... As a complete stranger, I see your journey through your path would have been the perfect place as your 'paradise'. You had and still held on to those wishes; you had dreams and you at least held on those thoughts, as long as you knew where you were. I know you are a strong person for thinking of those thoughts, and even possibly, you will have the though to live on and have it surgically removed (as I have high hopes for). I wish you good luck, and believe in yourself to make it out alive. But if you seem to give up... Just please, look up and see all the friends you have met through the Dollars. Remember your friends and family, and us. I don't even know if you'll be reading this, but I am actually genuinely crying for you. I have rarely seen you on this website, and yet, you are the very first person I have met to have such a malignant tumor. I pray for you, I really do, but just please, I really hope you make it out with the wish you end up with.
I hope you had a lovely life, and meet the 'paradise' you want to have.

-Sakunya S., been here Dollars member since 2013.

Updating. Coffee is not gone yet.

The cancer that from now on I'll "friendly" call Myd turned out to be quite big, but luckly not on metastasis.
They already opened me up and removed it: Myd could still regenerate itself, though.
It hurts so much but I'll avoid the details on my therapy: it truly saddens and disgust me. I wanted to keep in contact with the external world as long as i can: the Net is as far as i go.
I'm not allowed to do tiring stuff or use any kind of wireless connection, so I'll dictate some updates to my brother who will write down here on the Personal board.
I guess i panicked a lot, but right now i feel a bit more reassured...The risks are still present but I'm starting to not give a fuck anymore, I'm now only thinking about getting out the hospital on my own legs.
"The true human can only be seen when it starts to suffer."
My true self wants to live, and i promise you all I'll be back.

-Not a Goodbye yet!

bb ;♥;

You're gonna be alright.
You better be >_>

Good luck.
Get better.
Don't worry about us. Just update us when you can; don't stress out about it.

After all, we'll chat with you again when you're better c:

>>6 the human will is one of the most powerful forces, don't underestimate it and fight! We love you <3 and we'll be here for you. :3

The best of luck to you!! Although we are complete strangers, trust me that I, too, and many many others know what it means for it to be hard to be accepted in society and have that normal life we think we should have. But, as >>3 said, it's overrated. Be yourself no matter what and always find those people who accept you exactly as you are. Period. Life will tell you that also.
Take care of you and we'll be waiting for more updates from you!

WEll your part of the Dollars so even thou we are strangers we are part of one team^^ Im sure your great and there is nothing wrong with trying, yes things might go wrong but that means when you try again it will all be perfect. Dont be sad and even if you are you always got a place to take it out and tell us ^^.Trust me I had the same kind of issue but it all works out, your not a complete stranger because you are after all a part of this awesome group^^

That pulled tightly at the hear stings CoffeCreme. I hope you get better and come back CoffeeCreme. And if you don't Ill blow some shit up in your honor! Adieu Coffee, for now.

Quick update.

Not really going well, I'll probably sleep a lot. To keep an order for this, I'll establish Wednesday as day of updates.
>>2 I'm 17. A blooming age, they say. I guess my internal bloom is a coliflower.
Thank you all for your support, guys! Now back too sleep. See you on Wednesday.

-Not A Goodbye Yet

I'd say au revoir than a adieu,wich intend to read from you again.

I didn't have the pleasure to read more of you, but you seem interesting and clever, I'm happy you share with us though xxx

My thoughts for you coffecreme

Update.

I'm here, on Wednesday as I promised. I'm good, uh?
Chemio and radio are getting quite...invasive. I can't say that i feel BAD, but hey, it could be better. Way better.
For instance, i could not have Myd at all.
When i was still "sane" i absolutely hated sports, walking, doing manual stuff... It's incredible how much the mind changes.
I would pay with everything i own, if i only could run outside and jump in puddles.
I miss air, the real one, the one that has some kind of smell..
It would be lovely to breath again. Another reason to get well as sooner as possible and get out from this sterile trap!
Love you all, guys. -Not a Goodbye yet

Hang in there Ms. Coffee, we'll be here hoping for a speedy recovery ^_^

First coffee cream now crayoncoffee. Lolwut

>>14
nuuuu :(

>>14 keep fighting Coffee! <3

>>1 I'm sure there is somewhere out there you belong, I felt Like you did for the longest time then I learned that if I am me the right people will find me. Don't try and be someone else be you because YOU are an amazing person and I know others will think so too :)

Also I hope you're doing well :)

Reading your paragraph brought little tears to my eye corners.
Even though we are total strangers as you mentioned it, I would want to pray for your soon recovery. I hope you will be able to enjoy daily life as every of us.
Get better soon and... Fight!

>>14 You will get better. I've seen family members go through cancer and live. It hurts, physically and mentally, but you will get through. You have to. You deserve to live! You deserve life.

We're all here for you, always. Keep fighting!
And, keep updating. :D

Coffee, I know you and I have had our differences the brief amount of time you and I were here together, but I really do wish the best for you. And I'm sorry I don't say I care about anybody until somebody thinks it matters, but I love all the people up here. Even HAM who chewed me out and tore me a new one at least once. HAM is cool. Just wanted to let you know even if I was a jerk, I still care about you. I always love everything until it gives me a reason not to. Just remember to be happy, okay? We are all thinking of you. Don't stop fighting. I recently lost a family friend to her third bout with cancer, and she was the happiest person I have EVER seen. She made me realize that even when things are bad for some, someone is always fighting a harder battle. I'd fight this with you if I could. Don't give up on us, okay? I'd like to think I speak for everybody when I say we love you.

-Quick Update-

It's Sunday and in the hospital they're giving out some "presents".
Since I've been "Good" because i started to regain a bit of energy (and, unfortunately, also physical sensibility) they gave me papers and pencils.
I have to keep in train and not to forget how to write and draw. Especially draw.
It's hard this way (I've got bunch of -wires?- in my way) but this will hopefully fill my days.
I've wrote a poem. It's on the Poetry Board, if you want.
I'm tired now.

-Not a Goodbye Yet-

For those interested, link to poem mentioned in >>25 is http://dollars-bbs.org/literature/res/1292656529.html#483

I'm glad that you haven't given up yet. You are still fighting and that's admirable. We all believe in you and hope that you will come back someday. We will wait for you.

the wrold isn't as bad as you think. and drawing and writeing is good it's good to get those feeling of being different out

its nice to see that you have not give up
keep up the fight and continue to live ok? dont lose after you had come trough this far... we will waiting for you

-cheers-

-No updates today. Sorry.-

Still not a Goodbye...hopefully.

Keep fighting Coffee-chan~!

Don't give up! I've read that health is often linked to your mental state (happy=healthy). Try to think positively! Do your best to get well. Because you can't achieve what you want in a bed, you have to keep fighting and get better! Even if we are a bunch of unreliable strangers we are all behind you!

GO! Coffee!

(P.S: Don't Surrender!)

Keep fighting on!! I'm also a total stranger but I believe that you will definitely get through this!!! C: You've come a long way already, don't give up now!

I like to go to this relaxing website when I'm feeling down. I'm not sure if it'll really help or anything but here it is for you:

http://thequietplaceproject.com/thedawnroom

if you want some friends the durarara chat is always open! the Just Talking chat room is the most friendly one

if you want some friends the durarara chat is always open! the Just Talking chat room is the most friendly one

Hello everybody...I didn't want to write down anything yesterday: i was in a bad mood...and i didn't feel well, either.
I'm trying to avoid bad thoughts, but sometimes it seems impossible. I DO want to get my dismissal: I DO want to get well. But since i have a lot of time to think, and my situation isn't really a good one, the worst sometimes comes into my mind.
Will i make it? Do people have forgotten about my old self? Do they love me or pity me? Or the cancerous me is more interesting than my older self?
I know i shouldn't think about this kind of stuff, but thinking is the most 'rebellious' thing i can do right now. It makes me fill human and fragile, but also alive.
Is it better to be unconsciously happy or consciously sad?
I can't answer none of these questions: still, i like to think that all the answers are on my side, providing good.
If i want to live again, I'll start by feeling alive: better than nothing, uh?

@sleepology: all the names are C.+Coffee. There is a little and useless story behind it, it's more like an habit right now...
Love you all, guys.
-Not A Goodbye Yet-

>>36 You should start by doing something, literally anything that makes you happy. Don't worry about what other people will think about you until you're actually out, you'll have plenty of time to think about it then. Maybe talking to fellow Dollars and giving updates about your situation makes you happy, or maybe drawing makes you happy, but find something you can do.

You'll make it out eventually, know that. You deserve to live, and more than that you deserve to be happy. You have earned it!

I hope to hear from you again soon!

.

We love you coffee.
Best of luck and come back to us alive...
We really love you...

i like being weird, its part of me

i like being weird, its part of me

Updating.

Myd doesn't leave me alone, it wants to come back into me. It's a though guy, i guess.
I can't help it, I'm starting to fade into depression again. Let's try to think positive now. At least i can't get up on my own so there's no way i can reach the window.

There's a part of me who still wants to die. I think about the future and i see nothing good. If Myd wins, i won't be conscious anymore and my life will stop. But if I win...I'll come back to my old life, with the exception that it will be even more cruel since I'll be forced to medical treatments for a long, long time. Is it worth it?
Coming back to a life that i wanted to befriend with but refused me so harshly?
I can't say that i hate life. I never thought so. The world is awesome.
The one i always hated is me... I always thought that it was my fault, i was such a burden for everyone: therefore, i didn't deserve to have nice things, such as a serene state of mind or some kind of satisfaction.
I wanted to bad to feel satisfied of myself, to obtain love from the world i loved so much with my only forces. I swore to myself that i would always have been loyal and sincere and that i would have never hated anything and anybody. It didn't work so well, in the end...

But then there's the other part of me who reminds me that i promised those things. I put all my forces in order not to hate anything and anybody: myself included.
And maybe I'll start to think about a different future, when I'll come back home from the hospital and I'll go away, in other places, away from the people who made me suffer the most.
I'll find my new home and I'll only see the best of the world, the one that loves me just the way i am.

I'm concluding this update and I'm no longer depressed.
You don't even imagine how much you are all helping me.

Thank you. -Not a Goodbye Yet-

Im sure you would see a better light of the world. I am sure you can overcome whatever obstacles you meet with because you are a great person to still keep holding onto hope of a better life. I congrat you for everyday you live. I believe in such positive thinkings=]
Good Luck

We are all here for you.
Take good care and come back safely <3

We are all here for you.
Take good care and come back safely <3

We'll be waiting for you <3 Please come back to us!! Like you said, never give up !! you sound like a very strong person to me so please have faith and i'm sure you'll come back even much stronger than before <3

We love you Coffee-chan~! <3

We hope to see you better Coffee Cream! >A< The Dollars will be waiting for sure, and we all hope you will eventually return to your normal life. <3 We all care for you :)

You'll get better! It's always worth fighting to live. You, of all people I know, deserve to get better and really live.
Get well! We'll all be waiting.

>>42I've been reading your posts for a while and I've been thinking: if it were me in your position, I probably wouldn't be thinking about so many positive things. Stay strong٩(๑òωó๑)۶

>>42I've been reading your posts for a while and I've been thinking: if it were me in your position, I probably wouldn't be thinking about so many positive things. Stay strong٩(๑òωó๑)۶

>>42I've been reading your posts for a while and I've been thinking: if it were me in your position, I probably wouldn't be thinking about so many positive things. Stay strong٩(๑òωó๑)۶

Stay strong and believe in yourself
you're not alone were here for you

You corny bastards, hahaha! Beautiful. Well then, Coffee, here is a few words from me. Do not fight your depression. Do not struggle with morality. Transcend it. Absorb it. Make it a part of you. Understand it. Your pain gives you this ability, the right to do so. Dive into yourself, deep within, and embrace everything you find. Do not fear your death nor your life. Simply acknowledge that they are two possibilities and walk forward. Depression is caused by a [lack of] conflicting with the [desire for]. Rather than try to beat it, look at it in a positive way. If you are depressed about dying, understand that it only exists because you want to live. If you want to live, BELIEVE it. You cannot lie to yourself. Depressed about living and want to die, to give in? You desire to die because your life is unpromising. However, life itself is always filled with promise, so long as it continues. Why expend valuable energy fighting with a force that is vastly uncontrollable when you can simply reason it? Find true balance and focus on the important things. I know you can do it.

Don't worry about clicking (fitting in) with the world either. Such a thing is unnecessary. Being alive is automatically fitting in, under the general tag of 'existing'. People who seek comfort in trivial notions such as groups and cliques are fools. Human, but foolish. If you have trouble with this, seek me out when you return. Not if, but when. I will accept you for whatever you are and prove to you how good it is to be free of morality. No matter how long it takes.

I feel corny too now. I think everyone rubbed off on me.

>>56 I second this.
Also, we all feel corny. :D

Wednesday Self Imposed Updating.

Doctors say is highly probable that I'll go under the irons again, but hopefully only once. The previous surgery wasn't particularly painful even it has been the decisive one.
The problem is that the direct consequences and the therapy were and still are though and they are reducing of into a barely-breathing corpse.
I must look horrible...they won't make me look in a mirror because "i might be not ready", they say.
Ready for what, exactly? I've already realized that i don't look the same as before.
Skin is getting dry and the eyes tired. Sometimes blood comes out my nose. They had the decency of cutting away all the "remains" of my hair.
I really miss them, the neck feels cold without them.
I'm not sure if i want to see my image, but I'm also quite sure that i won't be such traumatized by it...I'm not sure. I can't be sure of anything.

There's nothing certain in my life, especially now. I'm not even able to write by myself, others are doing it for me. I'm depending on people, people are keeping me alive and somehow active.
Will people still care about me when I'll get out this place? I don't know. I never know anything.
>>56 There's something in what you wrote that makes me feels terribly uncomfortable. Maybe one day I'll realize what it is. Maybe all the "view depression as a possibility" thing...boh.
Still, i guess i should thank you as i thank everybody else... I don't know if I'll be constant in updates from now on. I'm not in the right mood and i need to prepare for the next surgery.

-Still not a Goodbye yet..maybe.

I really really hope that you end up alright Coffee ♥♥ Stay positive!
Please remember that someone will always be there for you, and when you get out of this situation you will be a much stronger person! There's always hope, it just sometimes isn't within your sight.
>>56 Agreed, though reasoning with that when everything isn't going right is a hard thing to do, its definitely not impossible.

>>58 People will care about you when you get out.
I will care about you when you get out. I and so many others care about you right now.
You can be absolutely sure I will continue caring about you after you are out.
If I, a total stranger to you, someone you've never met in person, some who lives hundreds of miles away from you, cares about you, there are many more close to you that feel the same.
We care about you now, and we will continue to care about you.
That is certain!

>>58 >>60
I understand what I said may be a little hard to deal with. If that's the case, don't deal with it now. Just think on it. Take your time and just think about it.

>>58
When I was a child, I stood by my mother's side as she fought and lost to breast cancer. Don't worry about such little things, such as people caring about you. I got you. If I can do it then, I can do it now. Survive and recover. We have a lot to talk about.

>>1 Coffee, sweetie, you will make throught this hard time.
You have a family here, at Dollars, who care for you. I'm praying for your health and help.

And what Mr. Cross said isn't bad. Are wise words. You should listen to him. He didn't mean it in a bad way. That is how he express his toughts.

What he meant was to accept whatever you feel. I'm sure that one day you will find what he says. Find yourself and accept yourself for who you are. Don't try to get average, because that will be boring and tiresome.

My mom had the exact same thing as you did. And for a while I didn't even knew. She fought and win her battle. There are 4 years since then and she is healthy, happy and alive.

I'm 100% you will make it through just like she did.

>>56 I'm sorry for your hard past. From what I've read so far in your posts life really gave you hard times. I wish you can find happiness and enjoy it.

>>58 we love you Coffee-chan and we all want to see you win this and we want to be able to laugh with you someday. I have to agree with what >>56 said, makes a valuable point, accept whatever your fate is and just live while you still can and just let whatever happen happen, stressing over it won't help anything. Just believe that you'll make it and you will. I believe you will.
About your appearance, I have this little complex about mirrors, whenever I see myself in a mirror I make sure that I smile, I can be a very cynical person sometimes but looking in a mirror helps me see myself happy and then I can believe that I'm happy in turn. So if you choose to look in a mirror, make sure you smile and accept yourself as your are. Your hair may be cut but hair grows back. Always remember that. No matter what happens in life you can always find happiness.

>>63
Thank you for your support. Don't worry about me though. I have it easy. My rough life honed my skills and allows me to keep going, even if I am rather unmotivated. I'm actually rather glad for the hard times if anything. Badges of honor in life are actually hard to come by.

>>64
Yes. This. This is basically what I mean on the surface. It's hard to do in dire times. However, that negative energy from depression will hurt you and make it harder to fight. It'll drive you into a corner and grow worse.

Well, if all else fails (corny line incoming, props for all who know it):

"Don't believe in you! Believe in me! Believe in the me that believes in you!"

Coffee, your story is inspiring. Don't give up. Mr. Cross' advice is a really good one. At first there was something about it that bothered me but after reading it a second time I could tell (and feel) that it was honest advice coming from a friend that has had rough times but was able to pull through also. Like I said before, don't give up! You have people supporting you. I know I'm just slme stranger but I hope to hear from you again. I'd love to see one of your drawings one day.

Why do you have to know something or people accept you ? Isn't it enough for you that you live ?

Hang in there Coffee!

-Things are not going well.-

Be strong, Coffee-san, we're always here, waiting for you, Courageous Fighter. That's right you are a COURAGEOUS Coffee! Win this fight! After winning this fight, break your C-record, make yourself a VICTORIOUS Coffee, sounds nice, huh? :DDD
well, I'm kinda corny when it comes to codenames so pardon my weird naming sense haha!
anyway, I just want to say, Keep on fighting!

>>69 please stay positive Coffee-chan! You can make it, just keep fighting! <3

fitting in is very hard… i tried and i failed so many times… i jus stay quite and still and i don't like crowded places much.. hell i hate it when in class we have to get in groups bc i don't talk to anyone… in high school was hard bc i was going through a hard time like u are. i couldn't be happy, smile or anything . i was always depressed and i wanted to kill myself bc of how hard it was to be alone… i hated being alone.. But over the time someone weird as i am came along and took me from out of that place and we became friends… in short don't try to fit in.. just find others who are like u alone and sad bc u may just help each other get pass it and become friends. :)

>>62 It is. As a depressed human being I'd say that accepting the darkest part of myself sounds like an heresy. But as an severely ill person i have to aknowledge my limits and my weaknesses...and deal with them forever. I think I've never had a bigger challenge in my life as right now.
Bring it on! (and thank you, wise man.)
>>71 Your constance in writing here is reassuring. And admirable. Love you too Neko!
>>67 Living without wanting to have more from life is what animals do, or at least it is in my opinion.
>>72 That's not really my main problem at the moment. Duh.
>>70 Ahahah! (?) So much corniness! In the case you were wondering, that C. does NOT stand for "cancer", nuh-uh. Let's just imagine it stands for Congratulations, ok?

Updating.
I even tried to answer questions (?) today.
Things were not doing well. I felt horribly after the second surgery which removed another part of my pulmon (yaaay?) and there were complications, too.
I risked, i risked! I'm proceeding with my slow, slow, sloooow recovery. I'm a bit too optimistic right now. I'm not sure if it's bad or not. My chest hurt. A lot. I can't eat my myself...again. I miss cheese. Oh, cheese...
I'd give what is left of my pulmon to eat some cheese!

Not a goodbye yet!

Stay in there CoffeeBB.

If I could afford to, I'd totally come over there and cuddle you before your next surgery, but I unfortunately cannot. Thus, I send forth internet cuddles and a plate of air-cheese.

>>73 It's never a bad thing to be too optimistic. Stay that way and recover! We're always here for you! As corny as that sounds, it's true. All of us want you to get better and we care about you. I care about you. Remember that as you stay strong and get better. You still have your life to live.

Life is worth it! Get better and get the hell out of there!

>>73 optimism can be hard to muster but once you have it, don't let it go! Keep recovering Coffee-chan! Recover for everyone who loves you, for yourself, and for cheese~! We believe in you~! <3

Dear C. Coffee,
After reading the entire thread, I can see that there are allot of people that are effected by what is happening in your life. There is a dramatic change in tone as the thread goes on and I am deeply touched by what was said here. It is amazing. The sheer sense of warmth coming from this community of strangers of all kinds and backgrounds coming together just to see if you are ok. I wish I could do a bit more to help you or even save you, just like many others here, but all I can do is offer my words and thoughts.

I can see you struggle with everything and even in the face of that you still try to live your life and try to do the things that you feel are necessary to get out of the looming depression that seems to follow you. I know that I can never fully understand the struggle that you have been fighting through, nor will I begin to understand the deep sadness and loneliness you have felt. But I do not think that giving up is ever an answer. I think you are a strong and amazing person for continuing to fight and look beyond what is looming over you. It takes a lot of courage to keep going, to keep being optimistic and to keep being happy. I've lost many friends who succumbed to depression and they threw in the towel. They had felt alone and like no one cared. I hope that you never feel this way, because this community of strangers care, and I care. I want to see you make it through this and live. Because of battles like yours gives hope and purpose to people like me who feel like no matter what I try to do, no one will listen. So I guess I should thank you. Keep at it. I believe you have the will to live. Please live on and do so with every intention of reaching all your goals.

I will be revisiting this thread much like the others to keep watching and waiting for the day when you say that you wont have to say goodbye for a long long time. I believe in you and I hope for the best.

Bump

Updating.

I'm resting a lot and I'm slowly getting "better", relatively speaking. They're trying to get me to walk a bit but i have to be honest: I'm sacred as fuck.
Let me explain.
I've already walked on my own, small trips bed-bathroom and bathroom-bed, sometimes bed-window if i felt adventurous enough. But now they would like to see me wandering freely in the corridors to get me to walk longer. Nothing bad, if the block wasn't full of cancerous or terminal people. I'm genuinly afraid of looking in the eyes of someone with my same problem or even worse, i could easily see myself in their gaze...here people gets visits everyday, sometimes we hear someone crying their souls out, or yelling at their relatives with no particular reason. The visitors also take their free time in peeking into the open doors of every possible chamber, that's unnerving. It feels like we all live such as pitiful beings, ugly dogs that you once loved but now are too decrepits to do cool stuff.

Mh.

>>79 it's okay to be scared, but think of it this way, everyone there is trying to get better like you are and that's all there is to it, you don't have to think about all the other factors, you can't let yourself worry too much. Just focus on getting better and if you can, smile at the people you walk past, you can make them hopeful and put them in a good mood, even if it doesn't seem that way. It might take time but you could also talk with others there, get to know their life stories, help them feel better, etc. There's always a positive to anything, you just have to view it from another perspective. Remember that you shouldn't do things before you're ready so take it slow and just walk a little more each day. <3

>>79 Life is scary. Recovering from cancer is utterly horrifying.

But, think of this: did you think you would be walking to the bathroom a month ago? Did you think you'd be walking at all after the first surgery?

In the future, you'll be saying the same thing about jogging, then running, then when you are a fully functioning human being, you'll be remembering when you didn't think you'd even be alive for much longer. Did you think you'd be walking on your own? Of course you didn't, but here you are, doing exactly that. You are recovering.

I'm going to be honest, I couldn't do what you are doing. I couldn't walk past those people, I couldn't have kept as positive as you have, I couldn't do half the things you have done.

However, I know I'm right when I say you should. You should walk, as much as you possibly can. You've done enough sitting and waiting for a lifetime. You've gone through enough pain for a lifetime. It's time to stand up, cash out, and walk the fuck out of the door.

I'll be waiting, just like the rest of us.

See, everyone is here to support you through your difficult time. You are never, ever alone in this world, despite how much you believe you are.

I'm visiting here only for this. Got some things I'm doing lately and I just don't feel like hanging around as long as I did before. Here I am though.

>>73
Yeah. Accepting the darker shades of yourself is a step towards amorality and indifference. It's pretty hard because of how we grow up. We are taught these things and we make our own assumptions about the good and bad through interactions. That might....just...be a litttttttttle too difficult right now, given the circumstances. I just suggested it because I... Well, I guess I believe in you. I'm honestly at a loss for words. So much so, I'm not going to address anymore of thos- oh what the hell. I'm here, why not. This is all for you Coffee.

>>67/>>73
It's called ambition, curiosity, etc. You cannot escape it. Normally at least.

>>72/>>73
Right? I wasn't sure what to say here but I think you hit the nail on the head.

>>70/>>73
Haha. Keep the 'C'. It's a good trademark.


>>75, >>76
Careful guys. Optimism is one of the strongest and most deadly double-edged swords to the mental state, especially if you aren't naturally one (an optimist). Disappointment can spiral out of control into severe depression, even more so in situations like these.

>>80
Me either. Not because I'm not strong or anything. I would have simply died because I wanted to. Heh. So, >>79. All I have to say to that is: Do what I could never do and win completely.

I'm not really feeling as confident as I normally do. Probably because I'm exhausted from going around and insulting stupid people online. So, this is all I got for now. I look forward to your next post, Coffee.

-Quicker update of good news-

Myd has now very very low probability to regenerate, I'm so proud of this achievement. The sting in my chest is hurtful, damn, i have a pulmon and an half now! They said it's going to be hurtful for weeks, but we all realized that breathing and stuff isn't that compromised: I'd say it's almost normal.
I still haven't walked out the room yet but I'm planning to do it. The idea still scares me a lot, you have no clue of what kind of sounds i hear from here.
I still have to do a lot of therapies but i can handle them. (by now, at least...)

>>83/>>73 I think i got now why i felt uncomfortable that time. It's not really looking inside myself and accept whatever i found, but the path to indifference.
I lived my whole "previous" life caring about the others above myself. Even now, all these updates are a way to not loose the links between my human being and this awesome community...I can't think about an "indifferent me". It's true that my usually kind attitudes towards others often resulted in getting me emotionally hurt, but it's also true that my biggest joys in my life where born from the efforts i put in seeing the smiles of the people around me. It was to hard to get me smile, so i decided to mirror me into the faces of my family, my acquaintances, my friends...if they smiled, then i was happy.
In short: i can't simply transform and being indifferent. Being careful is naturally part of me and i refuse to mutilate myself, again.

I understand that every word coming from these posts are never aiming to hurt me.
Of course, I'm also so far and no one of you can see directly the situation (luckly!), and the words are based of assumptions: like everyday experience is.
Whatever you write, whatever you put in this thread makes me think and makes me feel a little bit more loved.
Words cannot describe how I'm grateful to hear from you, guys. But I'm not finished yet.

>>83/>>81 Believe me when i say that you don't know how you would react in these kinds of situations unless you are living them.
For years I've tried suicide, years... My constant thoughts where about how it is depressing and unsatisfying having human reason in a world dominated by consumerism, low morals, lies, where nobody would have wanted to look deeper in you to find something more, something more than material.

I am now in the worst time of my life in terms of health 'cause i could even die by the time i finish this post, but I've never been so serene before because now I've understood many things.
And the first one is that you don't need any cancer to realize that you don't want to die. If you die before your time comes, who will be you in the meanwhile? Who will act exactly as you in order to clean all the traces of your past and now wasted life in the world?
Nobody would because this shit of "you're unique" is real and it's not actually shit.
Unique in problems, defects, lacks, but also virtues. Your life cannot simply be deleted, every action holds big consequences and the action of committing suicide holds disastrous consequences and no benefits.
If i didn't spend so much time near my smoking father trying to make him stop, and eventually making him stop, maybe i wouldn't have developed Myd. But i also wouldn't had the chance to think about my whole existence in this long time stuck in a bed. When you die, on the contrary, you don't have time. You can't think anymore. It's so definitive and conclusive that you can't even realize it. People don't have the conception of "end" and they will never understand it in its fullest.

I realized it's pointless pondering about an end. Every kind of it. Nothing ever ends, and if it does, it's either hurtful or something that we won't understand.

I will never end this situation, the one when I'm "sick". I won't stop being what i am, at least i will change but not so much. And i will never stop to be suicidal, but i won't end me because i know how to stop me in time.
I wrote a lot today. Ugh.

And i won't say Goodbye yet 'cause today is not the end.

>>85 congratulations! I'm so happy for you! Keep getting better and better Coffee-chan~!
I just wanted to thank you, through this thread you've helped me and I'm sure you've helped others as well. You inspire hope and frankly, hope is something I really needed, seeing you fight so hard for your life made me see life as something to treasure more. Now whenever I'm thinking about disappearing I'll remember that someone somewhere is fighting for their life, and wasting the life that I've been blessed with would be horribly cruel and unfair of me.

It's good to hear things aren't as bad as they could be :) You are an incredibly brave person, and i think you have inspired everyone who has read this.

Coffee. The more you suffer and the stronger you are, the more you inspire other people.
That's what you have done here.

I really wish I could come visit you. I'm new here but you sound like an inspirational and beautiful person. My family has always been stricken with cancer and I thought I was too. Thank goodness I don't but reading your posts makes me want to appreciate my life because others have it much worse than I do. Best of luck!

>>84
The indifference thing is a bit different from how you imagine it. I'd have to take time to explain how I do it and I'm not feeling it right now. I will say this though. It's not for everyone.

Yeah, I'm also aware of how being in the situation itself changes things. What I said wasn't exactly honest, so I'll be straight forward here. I've seen my closest family die from illness. My brother died from Myasthenia Gravis and my mother from breast cancer. The worst part is, I sat face to face with them for many years and watched the suffering. I felt the suffering through my intense empathy. I was there for just about every second of the pain. It was a difficult thing to see, watching my brother have to wheeze and choke, struggling to get around during his final hours as his lungs failed, to see my mother slowly succumb over ten years of time, ten years that she would not have suffered if she had not given birth to me (She was in remission, told not to have anymore kids because the stress would being back the cancer). It's not that I want to die. I'm not really interested in the death aspect. It's pretty cut and dry. It's the cancer part. The slowly dying thing. I wouldn't fight it. I desire to feel the agony that others have. I want to understand it. I want it to take me, so that I can understand the emotions of the fallen. Despair is fun for me, is all. I want to see how much it takes to break me, if I can be broken. My family didn't break, so I don't see why I would. It's kind of morbid, I know. However, that is simply a curiosity of mine. Hence why I respect you and everything you stand for. I would literally die for my own selfishness and curiosity. Sad, isn't it?

Anyway, I'm glad you are in remission. Blow the horns of victory! Come comrades! Tonight, we feast in celebration!

>>84 Congratulations! I'm glad you're getting even better.

I've only ever watched family members go through cancer. I've never gone through anything you have and I can only imagine what it is like to do what you are doing right now.

I look up to you Coffee. You've gone through unimaginable shit and come back again. Know that somewhere in the world, someone cares about you. That's really all I can say without assuming more. It's pretty infuriating that I can't understand what you are experiencing. I have so little I can do for you, so please at least know and remember that there is someone who cares about you.

Coffee, I just read this entire thread in about 15 minutes, I could not stop reading, your inspiring attitude to push forward despite your cancer and your depression is truly magnificent. For a guy that usually comes to the Personal board for a laugh, I am thoroughly caught up in your story.

While I cannot truly empathize with your struggle against cancer, as I have never had cancer, nor have any of my family members and therefore can offer no real help other than my emotional support; I would simply like to say that, from one individual struggling with depression to another: YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL!

If you doubt anything I might have said in this post, at least believe those, and take them to heart. Know that you're bouncing back from something that many thousands of people die from, and you are strong! Allow that to support you through your depression, remember this battle every time you think suicidal thoughts, you've obviously learned so much from this.

Even if your physical body doesn't recover completely for a while, and I doubt it will bounce back all too fast, simply look in the mirror at the evidence of a battle won. It is the same way that I battle my own depression in the day-to-day; the scars on my body are constant reminders of the strength people like us must possess.

So, at the risk of continuing to sound cheesy, keep fighting, chin up, and know that you are loved by all of us here.

the way those fingers move

Hello everybody! Nothing new. I still haven't got outside the room, but it won't take long... I'm a bit weaker in these days and i feel like sleeping a lot. I try to stay as wake as i can, enjoying as many sunrays as possible! I often feel cold so it's nice to have warmed-up blankets. Little joys in despair, they say.
>>93 This made me utterly confused.

>>86>>87>>88>>89>>91>>92 There are 6 (beautiful and awesome and so cute) people who think i am brave and inspirational.
I don't know how to put my thoughts into words. But i'll try, as slowly and as calmly as possible.

Thank you. This is truly an honour. I'm glad that my words, some way or another, have been helpful for some of you, i wish you'll all have a great life in future 'cause i think you all are so damn adorable! You warm up my days.

However, i must say i don't feel like inspirational nor brave.
Well, yeah, i do think a lot. About many things. I think. And i always try to let out my thoughts because i feel better when there's someone who knows what's in mind. I seek the good for everyone, no one should deserve any pain in his life. I'm facing death in a relatively quiet mood, but what other choices i would have? Let burying myself in sadness? Give up? What's the point in giving up if I can choose?
I cannot move so much, but i have the ability to choose with my own mind how will be my mood, more or less.
Deep inside I'm always worrisome and fearful. But i can choose to care about my worries, or to let them be. I can choose to seek for the negative aspects of the day or the positive ones.
I can do that, everyone can do that. It is not because I'm ill or not, but because I'm human.
I don't feel like being inspirational nor brave, I'm just...choosing not to think about the worst.
I don't want to think about death. Death will naturally arrive, one day. It's like waiting for a storm to come. There's no use because if you already close yourself in your house when there's the clear sky you won't be able to enjoy the sunny days. And you won't stop the storm, either. I don't feel like being inspirational, I'm not doing anything for a purpose...Well, maybe I'm doing this to keep my spirit high. But i don't want to impress no one, that's it! I'm here, doing absolutely nothing in an hospital but dictating words to my fellow brother who writes down everything. I'm no hero... There's a lot of people in worse conditions than mine. I think about those who don't have an house, or those heroes who truly save people everyday as job or only because they wanted to see the joys to be alive in the eyes of someone else. I think those are the true heroes.
If you really want to draw me as someone inspirating...hey, i won't stop you. Hehe.
Again, thank you all. You're lovely.

>>90 Mr. Cross. I'm truly sorry for your family. I don't think you need my words anyway.
But what you said is pretty sad. The agony of the illness is not...something that should be seen as fascinating. It's illness, it can affect poor and rich people, bad and good, ignorant or intelligent, young and old. It's everyday stuff. But hard stuff. It's hard to keep an high spirit in this kind of situation, but if someone is able to is because there's something that keeps them "on the mainland".
I want to be happy because of my family, and because of you, Dollars. Someone wishes the best for their loved ones, and they start with being in the best of the moods. Someone truly wishes to have new possibilities in their possible life and they set their spirit in order to get well and even better.
Sometimes it happens, sometimes not. But leaving with a smile is like giving a big consolation to those who loved you back then, a smile says a lot of things.
"I'm glad you were here all of the time". "You were the best i could ask for, love." "Thank you for your support." "I love you." "I have no regrets as long as i feel loved like this."

I don't know what else you've been trough. And i won't ask. You have a lot of courage when you speak about their deaths and your feelings towards it so naturally. I wouldn't be able to talk about my family and my story like you. Damn, I'm holding up this thread for weeks and you only know a quarter of my whole story...and sincerely speaking, i don't know if I'll ever be able to reveal more of me.
But. Let me tell you only this.
Maybe, but only maybe, the two of them never broke because they didn't even want to let see you what it meant to be on the edge of life and death. They wanted you just like you are, without corrupting you with even more suffering. It's only a "maybe".
I truly hope you'll be able to drop those thoughts one day. You are wise and you deserve to be free from any constriction that could change your mind, you are already good. At least, in my opinion you are.
May you have good days.
This is not a Goodbye yet.

>>94 even if you don't think you are, you're an inspiration for the very reason that you can see from the positive side of things, that you're brave enough and strong enough to stand up to your sadness. In the bleakest seeming of situations you are able to do that while people like me have trouble staying optimistic, and in way more benign circumstances. You're a hero by the way that you think...it's a little unconventional sounding but it's truth one way or another. At the end of the day we're all kids on the internet writing our thoughts down, but it's more about what we write down and how it affects the people who see those words. And judging by this thread, you've impacted and inspired a lot of people, thank you for that.
We all love you Coffee-chan <3 you're a sweetie :3 you sound like someone I could be really good friends with. Keep on fighting~!

>>94, let's get married. Joking. Sort of. Not sure, actually. Sorry. LOL.

Yeah, it is pretty sad. I just don't know any other way to understand it. I want to but I'm well aware that the only way to know something is to experience it. Even if I must die for it. I just...get so confused sometimes. People tell me "They wouldn't want that", "You should live for their memory", "Keep your bloodline alive", but they aren't here. I'm in control of my life and if I want to throw it away, I am free to do so. Then I hear people say that my death would make others sad. Which I'm rather indifferent towards. Ugh. I don't freakin' know. LMAO. All I know is, everything is just an excuse. I live to die. I don't have a specific reason to justify my continued existence and I don't need one. AHHHH I'M RANTING. Moving on.

This is something I guess I have to explain so I'll bring up two subjects with it. My past and agony. My past and the pain I feel is not something I am afraid of. Rather, they are badges of honor to me. I'm rather impressed with myself, to be honest. That said, going through the agony of illness is nothing to me but another badge of honor. I...actually have a disability I deal with daily, so I'm in constant pain, both mentally and physically. I hate it but I see it as a necessary handicap so I'm actually okay with it. And you can ask all your want about my history. My life is no secret. Why should it be? I'm confident in my current strength and abilities and my past only serves to justify them. I will not run from my past because by embracing it and accepting it, I have become twice as strong as most people.

It's all in the mind. Believe in yourself. Accept yourself.

Moving on, that maybe is a good maybe. I like it. I know it is wrong though and I'll tell you why. [Storytime]: I was born an exceptionally gifted human being. I have the ability to learn extremely fast, a good memory, and am rather empathetic. I'm sad that I'm not as innovative as I want to be, but I am, so I can't complain. I'm not sure if I was born with it or just created the ability on my own but I am somewhat like a generalist. I can do whatever I want, so long as I'm motivated. I have all sorts of abilities. And I wasn't afraid to display them to others. Everyone was aware of my intellect, especially my mother. She worked really hard to hone my skills, even though it wasn't necessary. I used to piss everyone off by finishing their sentences when I was four or five years old and all sorts of bastard-like behavior. Yes, I was arrogant about it and it alienated me from having friends. On top of that I was a duo with my mother, since she and her family didn't get along. My father was never around as well. I think I only saw him three times before he died. Anyway, I didn't have much 'childhood'. It was mostly just caring for a sick woman who I loved dearly. I worried and pushed myself to my limits for her sake.

To be honest, my mom did sort of break on occasion, though I was unaware. She tried to commit suicide sometimes and I'd have to save her life. What a pain in the ass.

Regardless, she knew I was far too intelligent to deceive, too kind and empathetic to be unaffected. I think she didn't break because I wouldn't let her. I'm pretty sure I actually mentally and physically kept her alive because of who I am.

In the case of my brother, since that phase of suffering occurred during my early twenties, it's quite a bit different. He had kids and a girlfriend, so I can imagine that was a good source of strength. During the time of my mother and father, even during the funerals, I never cried. My brother knew this so I bet I wasn't even a factor. He knew I would step up and take care of shit in his absence. That alone probably helped him make it through to the end, without giving up. The trust between us was deeper than I thought, even though I spent much of my life not even knowing who he was.

This is only a fraction of the story, of course. There are emotions and details I left out. I'm not even entirely sure why I told it again. Did it serve a point? Whatever, thanks for reading it.

If I had to guess at a point to all of this, I would have to say it in the most arrogant way possible.

"My strength is absolute, my desire to learn infinite. I wish to experience more pain, more suffering so that I can live up to the name I created for myself and the memory of those who died before me."

Right now, I feel like such an ass and I love it.

>>94 "I'm just...choosing not to think about the worst." In your situation, isn't that the same as being brave? Because what good will do to you if you think the opposite? Think about it.
Everyone can change their mood, yes, but not everyone has the willpower to think positively.
You ARE a wonderful person. Comparing yourself with others will do you no good. There are different standards. If I could, I'd wish to meet you.

Hello everybody.
I need your absolute help that makes my days less lonely.
'Cause i have bad news.

This morning I've finally managed to walk outside the room. I don't know what pushed me in the end, maybe some kind of extreme act of recklessness or only the power of a thoughts-free mind?

In any given case, i really, really, really regret it.
I don't think i've ever cried like that in any given moment of my life.
Let's reconstruct those horrible minutes. I walked out relatively alone, my father was there. I saw...way too much people. People in my same condition... and their relatives, too.
I saw pity and sorrow in the eyes of everybody: not necessarly towards me, in fact almost no one was paying me attention and that was good. But no one was even remotely happy, the atmosphere was exactly the one you could feel in an hospital, filled with cancerous ill people.

Death.

I didn't walked really a lot. I basically made some steps, looked around, again some more steps, and suddently i felt incredibly guilty. Yeah, guilty.

I spent the rest of the day inside my room. I continued not to see the reality around me, where everybody could be gone in a matter of few minutes, and drew inside my mind happy thoughts, beliefs, hopes, and so on... I kinda feel guilty because I felt like i was doing wrong for all the time.

Ill people shouldn't be happy. Shouldn't be hopeful. Shouldn't be cheerful, either. This is the impression i got by the whole scenario.
And i'm so confused right now, because the realization of the all-present death is now here again and i already feel myself buried deep. But this isn't really what i want...

I know i can do it. I must do it. But so soon the fight has got harder, and it scares me how quickly it happened.
I don't want to die... But i'm close, oh so close.
I don't CARE if it is natural, if it is "part of the life" anymore, i'm so damn young and NO ONE at this age should feel like this! I never lived as a regular girl, i missed so many part of my youth and i'm wasting my time here as a walking corpse, why such realizations come when you have already one foot in the pit?

Why the human reason is so cruel, so cruel that makes you love life only when you're losing it?

It hurts. That's why i cryied all the day, and I'm still crying.
I am no brave person, i just decided to love life in the worst time possible. I'm not sad. I think. I don't know anymore.
I just want to get the hell out of here and catch up again with my life. Improving it. I regret so many things.

I have to get out of here 'cause i have a marriage proposal on-going now. >>96 I can't possibly refuse.

I don't want to suffer anymore...the physical pain is a thing, the phycological one is way too unbearable now though.
I'm getting depressed again and it's no good. Absolutely no good. I'm still lucid enough to realize it. Good.
I'm still lucid enough to ask help. That's also good.
I'm not totally gone. Not yet. I'm still here and I can do it.

If someone here believes in God, please pray for me. If you don't, may consider to pray for me because I do. If you absolutely don't want to pray for me, please have faith in science enough for the medical support (which is getting hurtful again).

And of course, please, don't leave me. You are the only contact I left with my old world, I'll never regret joining this community.

This is not, unluckly, a Goodbye yet.

>>98
I feel that you got a fairly good grasp on your desire to live by the end of the post. You must not let those negative feelings control you. The stress might actually kill you before anything else does.

I'm actually having difficulty formulating my reply. I can feel your terror and it's hard to suppress.

A good thing is that as long as you cry, you can keep from being swallowed by your depression. Sigh. This is why I wanted you to learn to accept and absorb your depression.

I'm not sure if my words will reach you as much as I want them to, but I still believe in you. I sincerely believe that you will rise through this. When you make it through, if you really want to marry some idiot like me, sure. Let's do it. If this promise gives you the strength you need, my life is yours to command. Haha.

You are not allowed to die. I won't let you. If you can't muster the strength on your own, let me give you some. You ARE brave. Bullshit that you aren't. You've straight up made it this far. Still kickin' I see? Such a bad ass. You may even be stronger than me. That would be rather impressive. However, prove it. Make it to the beginning of the end, walk through the end and enter a new beginning. Period. Death? Pffft. Please. Fuck death. It can't hurt you. Death doesn't hurt. Death is merely the side-effect. Stop worrying so much about death itself and focus your energy on the cause. Never relent.

Believe. It's just that simple. Trust yourself. I've almost broken down many times but personally, I believe in myself. In my friends. I'm here for you. Unless I die, I will stay here.

Fucking dammit, I wish I was there! -Rages and storms off-

>>98 I'm glad that you ventured out of your room, you had to do it and it was a necessary experience. Even before you left your room you knew what it would be like out there, and it had be just like you thought. However horrible it was, it's an experience that must make you stronger. As unfair as the world may be, you know that you can still stay positive and that you can still fight with everything you have. You now realize how precious life really is and everything that you've been through was necessary for that to happen. You now know that when you get out you'll live life better, not only that, you'll live it as a stronger person.

You don't realize how brave you really are Coffee-chan, while in such a place in which the very atmosphere is "death" you've managed to find a way out of the depths of hopelessness, despair, and depression and become someone who can be happy, hopeful, and cheerful. It's an ongoing battle but you've managed to stay yourself and better yourself while others in your situation have just given up hope, you even inspire hope in others.
And you will get out because you're strong and you've been fighting so hard. Keep fighting Coffee-chan because I know that you can do it. I'm praying for you <3

There's a comedian I found on youtube, he's kind of vulgar, but I enjoy him. He is a cancer survivor (had a tumor in his chest nearly the size of a baseball, big enough to displace his heart and lungs and cause him to breathe irregularly (and eventually coughed up blood). He recently released a video talking about it after quite some time after his survival of it. He was 21 at the time. I'll link you to it at the end. That was... I dunno, a few years ago at least. Coffee, my dude, the ending of lives is never a happy time for those surrounding the recently deceased. That doesn't mean that you have to be sad too. It's been statistically proven that those who are pessimistic on their outlook of malignant diseases have a lower chance of overcoming it. Please don't have us shed tears over you... A lot of us here love you beyond words. I hope, for the sake of your friends and family, that our hope helps power your immense psychological strength. Be healthy. Live. Live and show us what you can do. Up to your elbows in mud, I really want to see what you can do, and I think I speak for everyone when I say that we can see that you alone can make the world an amazing place. HOWEVER, just because we know you can use your two hands alone, does not in the slightest mean that nobody supports you. I'll support you until the end of my days if I knew you better (heck, I'd do it now) and just remember one thing, if you remember nothing else from this: you are never alone in being alone.

Link to the video. It's about 15 minutes long or so, and he throws some haha's in along the way.

I'd offer you a hug if I could. I just... I wish there was more I could do for you. I just feel so helpless...

>>98 It's natural to feel really depressed about your situation. That is no indicator that you aren't brave, it just means you're human. But, it's not natural to be this sick at your age. It's bullshit. It's absolute fucking bullshit. It's not natural or part of life to go through what you are going through. It is bullshit. I am very, very angry that you have to experience this shit at such an important time in your life.

Don't worry about missing your life. You still have plenty left to experience, despite this horseshit twist of fate.

I can kind of imagine what you are feeling when you walk down the hallways. I can never imagine the scale or intensity, but I had a similar experience when I got into University. There were about 20 or 30 people I knew that did not get into any university at all. They would probably have to go to college, not for the program they wanted, and without co-op they'd be in debt for the next 10 years. Their lives were completely changed, and every time they saw me, they'd remember that I got in. I wouldn't have to worry about anything, while they would never do what they wanted to do. I cared for those people, I really did. But, I did not refuse my application. Even though they didn't get in, they'd never know how hard I worked to get in. Maybe they didn't even want to. I know it's not a quarter of your situation, but I think it's a little similar.

If you feel guilty because you're getting better and they're not, that's completely understandable. I don't like giving advice I could never take, but I think you should focus on you getting better. You've gone through fucking hell to get to this point. I know it sounds insensitive, but you just have to let them care about themselves, and let you care about you. I also know how impossible that is, but my advice is limited to my limited experiences in life. I only wish I could help you more. I am really angry that I can't.

Despite my limited ability to help you, I can tell you one thing with 100% certainty.
I will not forget about you. I will remain your friend through hell and high water. I will not leave you. We will not leave you.

>>98 I'm certain people will pray for you. Even if you die, God will recognize you and give you something better.
I'm glad that you still want to live. I hope you and Mr. Cross meet sometime.
You are fighting Death! What more proof do you need to know you're strong?
I have my own problems too, so I don't if what I tell makes you feel worse; If so, I'm really really sorry.

>>103
I'd actually rather us all meet. I'm not selfish. That would be some crazy shit.

And like I said, death is a side-effect not the cause. The battle is against cancer right now. Come on Navi, get with the program. lol

>>101 Unluckly, as i already said, i have no computer here. Sometimes my brother writes from my old laptop but only if he gets home early. It's been so long since i have seen an actual monitor...hehe. I guess the video will wait. Though, thanks. You thought about me when you remembered that video. It's already Ok to me.
You know, you could really be an awesome person if you'd just stop worrying about the consequences of your actions and your "helplessness". You ARE doing good, for the purpose of doing good. Isn't it great already, mh~?

>>100 and >>102, you two you never really left me since the beginning. I love you so much. It's like i deserve to have friends too now! Yay!
I don't know if your feelings towards me are sincere. My naturally self-destructive attitude makes me doubtful of every social interaction, to be honest. But i want to believe that you really care about me: it's good for my heart and i hope it's good for you, too.

>>103 The problems of a person doesn't make him less skilled or inadequate, but more experienced. Usually the saddest people smile the brightest but also give the best advice! Don't ever understimate yourself, ok?

Aaaand you >>99.
Oh you.
Let me speak bluntly now.
If a stranger asked my hand in marriage out of nothing I'd say "no" but i would still be overwelmed because I'm that kind of girl who has never even experienced the first kiss.
Now, you've been caring about me for quite a time now, and you really speak sincerely from the bottom of your soul. Or if you don't believe in souls then let it be the heart. And if the heart is too cheesy then let it be the brain.
STILL. You seems like an adorable person, yeah, ADORABLE, GO WITH IT- (i have my reasons to depict you as adorable.)
So. Why shouldn't i possibly accept a marriage proposal from a person that i honestly judge as a savior?
It's not like i can get any better. You are already far more interesting that the whole male population that I've met in my 17 years of life-
You are not an idiot. Everybody comes to a time when *he's pushed to think "unorthodox stuff" or it can even be a self imposed thought. This doesn't male a person and idiot, at all.
If it is like so, then I've been an idiot for a long, long, long time.
Let's just say that we keep ours minds lively and curious.
I'd love to meet you, or a person like you, in my life.
That's exactly what i lacked for a long, long, long time.

So guys. I'm sort of tranquill today. Some voluntaries today came here to cheer up the kids with some music apparently, I'm no kid anymore to be cheered up so i listened to the music from the distant.
It was kinda nice. Cheesy, but nice. Finally I've heard some laughs in this forsaken place!

Reassuring, reassuring indeed.
I decided to think about the little stupid things of life for a while so I'll keep my mind occupied from worse and more worrisome thoughts.

For instance: i crave cheese so much. Daaaamn. It's delicious. It WOULD be delicious if i only had the chance to actually eat it...
I have to decide a good wig for when I'll come out. When the cosplay game goes a bit too far....
Yesterday a storm came. Now outside is full of puddles. Puddles. Uh. I want to run out and get soaked in rain.

Oh, I'm fairly stable right now, talking about health. I wonder when I'll come out.

I miss my laptop too. I heard that the second season of Durarara is on working.
I absolutely want to watch it episode after episode as they'll come out weekly.
I waited 4 years for this news. I have to beat the shit out of the disease in time!
I have anime to watch out there, duh!

This definitely not a Goodbye!

>>105 you have made my day brighter, I just woke up and I saw this and it just really made me happy, so thank you. I am your friend Coffee-chan and of course I really care for you, you're an amazing person and I hope that I can always be here for you :3 I don't blame you for doubting though, I am just a random person on the internet after all X3
I want to see this wedding one day.
Oh I just want to bring you your cheese and some anime to you! It's killing me!

I'm super happy to hear your health is finally stable :'3 I can't wait for you to get out. Keep on fighting Coffee-chan~ <3

>>105 Thanks.
Seeing you both talk like that makes me feel calm. Wish I had someone like that, but I know she's there somewhere! <3
Sometimes, people need cheese.

Oh man. Where do I begin!? So much to say... Okay. Deep breath and...go. >>108, I got something for you at the bottom of this.

>>109
Am I the one being talked about here? Couldn't be.

>>105
Adorable..? What? Really? Huh. Well, it wouldn't be the first time I've heard that. I don't blush so you'll just have to take my giggling in the background as a sign that I'm feeling rather embarrassed about this.

As for the soul, for the most part, I believe your soul is your mind. I guess. I think one of my friends argues with me about that occasionally. Or has. Whatever. THAT ONE PART THAT EQUATES TO YOUR EXISTENCE!!!!

You want to know the secret to my mind? My personality? My ideals? You want to know why I'm so different? It's a mix of things. Because I have a good mix of basic traits. Because I suffer every day. I will elaborate on this. For the last eleven or twelve years, I've lived with a physical disability. While it doesn't necessarily hurt each and every day, it does limit me severely. On top of that, I have the weight of that limitation resting on my shoulders. I curse my body all the time, hate myself because of it. I have also lived every second of my existence stressed. The moment I came into the world, I was fighting to save others. I was born selfless, kind and loving. The struggle I went through carved a deep and permanent scar on my heart, which the world continues to widen. I've carried the positive emotions from my birth, the neutral emotions from my awareness and the negative emotions from the situation. I continue to carry to them. I have now essentially become everything: white, black, grey and void. My suffering is inevitable. It will never stop. It is a part of me. A very important part of me. When people are in pain or suffer, they evolve quickly. They learn faster. They understand things they normally would not. I was born with twice the learning speed as normal and I suffer as well. Thus, I learn three times the speed as normal. Maybe more.

My depression will never end. Hence why I have mastered it.

On the other hand, what I am incapable of mastering is despair. When I fall into the pit and seek my death because I'm unable to forgive myself for failing at life. Etc. Another story for another time.

What I wrote above. This is why I have complete confidence in you. The pain you have experienced has led you to fragments of enlightenment. You have grown so much since the beginning. Reading the story of your battle will not inspire me, because I'm already 'complete', but it will inspire others. People will look at this and realize that their problems are largely insignificant. They will find the strength to surpass their issues. Your life means so much now, your story one of hope and truth. I wrote something short on my facebook I will relay here to show you what I mean.

"I've always considered myself a drawn sword, ready to cut anything in my path without hesitation. I devoted myself to finding a sheath for my errant ways, hoping an existence besides mine could contain the strength I display. I now know that I was wrong. I am not a single blade. I am hundreds, thousands of them. The sheaths I seek exists not with another, but within myself. Only I can contain myself. The people I sought are merely the hand guard that prevent me from harming myself when I fight, to give guidance to my battles. And my purpose? It is to give one of my many 'swords' to the people that I deem worthy so that they may find the strength to press on. My true strength exists only for others. I can easily win my battles and forge new swords. It's time I helped others do the same, passing down my blades so they may learn to forge their own."

My presence here was essentially me giving you one of my swords. And that makes me happy.

Ahem, serious time over!

Apparently, everyone is rooting for our marriage. A curious twist of events, no doubt. How did I go from acting as a pillar of strength to a fiancée? Not that it bothers me. If I wasn't such a goddamn failure, I would be married already. I'm about to be twenty-eight you know. My age doesn't mean too much to me though. I'm able to reverse my state of mind in any direction. I can easily go play with six year olds as one of them or sit around smoking cigars and drinking whiskey with sixty year olds. My mental age can't be measured. Lol....

...

......

Sometimes I really wonder if I'm human or some kind of artificial construct....

Anyway, I AM an idiot. I have so many gifts and yet I'm still a failure. I'm still sitting here, handicapping myself or relatively unmotivated.

Hey. Wait. I didn't want to go that route! STOP! This part was supposed to be the funny section!

Marriage! Yeah! -Lost train of thought by now-

I'd really like to meet you, just so I could make you laugh in person. That is my real goal.

The hell you need a wig for? Oh right. Sorry. I forget you ladies love the everlasting shit out of your hair. I shave my shit bald, like a boss.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10153980989995392&set=a.10150176517680392.421238.846485391&type=3&theater (I don't know how to work the code for hyperlinks or text so, yeah. Anyone can click this, I don't care. It's just me being bald.)

As for cheese.... yeahhhhhh~ I love me some cheese. I could enjoy some muenster or provolone right now. When I worked at Albertsons before I was in my twenties, I used to buy fresh slices every day at lunch and maybe after work. Mmmm.

>>108
Hey, Neko. Wtf yo. Just a random person on the internet? You know some of the friends that I absolutely treasure, who are completely loyal to me are based solely on the internet? Hell, even right now I feel some kinship with you. The internet is another world, a real, living, breathing world. Don't degrade yourself. You are as real to me as my RL friends are.

Dang. This was one long post. I'd say hurray for DRRR!! S2 but I'm actually reading the LN so I'm aware of what it will be about. ANYWAY, I'm out! Peace!

You made my day!

>>105 It's okay that you aren't sure about me, I understand. I know I've said it countless times, but I really do care about you. I just wish that someday I can tell you in person. I may have to learn another language to do it properly, but I would be willing to do that.

You should totally meet Cross, though. Not only is he a mighty fine interesting guy, have you seen him? Damn, son!

Anyway, I hope your day today is filled with more thoughts of cheese and DRRR!! :D

>>112
Please teach me how to hyperlink and text like that! Is it html? I'm gonna test a tag here. And...you stalker! I put that up like....a month ago!

I seriously can't stop laughing about this. XD

>>113 It's on the help page.
{a href="http://link.com"}Text to link{/a}

Replace '{' with the '<' equivalents. Put the http:// or the link won't work.

And, it's called the stalker thread for a reason :))))

>>110 you're awesome. Just thought I'd say that. Thank you btw, I don't feel like much of a stranger when you put it that way X3 Most of my friends are online, but I've learned to be a little wary of people on the internet...but not as wary as the people I encounter in rl lol

I am coming to this wedding. :3

>>114
You could have just said it was in html. Those are html tags. I got the idea the minute I tested it in my last post though. Thanks. Oh. It is called the stalker thread. Well shit. I've been had! Note: I'm still laughing about the whole thing.

>>115
Sometimes, I think I'm awesome too. Then I look in the mirror. Hahahaha. Nah, I'm kidding. I'm indifferent about myself normally, without outside influence.

That wariness. I've actually forgotten how that feels. I can see why people feel that way but I just can't bring myself to worry about it. If someone betrays me, they will meet their end or forever regret that day, living in fear. I don't really have to worry about that since I'm pretty affable and once you get to know me, you understand how absolutely terrifying my wrath is. So, I guess you should keep that careful attitude until you are absolutely sure of yourself.

This wedding thing again.... Okay okay okay, you are all invited. That is, of course, if I don't get axed by her parents for being eleven years her senior. LOL!

Gah. I finished my last post and immediately remembered that I forgot something. Edit button please.

So, I actually went and looked at the link I left on >>110 and realized, "Oh shit, you can actually look through the whole damn album." Well, that wasn't exactly intended.... I'm not really trippin' too hard but I have this feeling people are gonna randomly friend me on there. If you do, at least tell me first, be it here or...somewhere. I don't just accept people anymore.

That's all. See you guys tomorrow. Or whenever. Sometime. Yeah. Gonna go back to Fate/Stay Night VN.

Sorry these all look so shitty, had the formatting all weird. Anyways, i'm sorry i couldn't reply sooner coffee. I hope this puts a smile on your face.

Coffee, you are a strong young woman. You made is this far. You are brave. And you can make through this.

I know it's hard, but your optimism is making you stronger. We, the Dollars, can't wait to hear good news from you. I, personally, can't wait for the day when you will tell us that you won your battle.

Pain does make us stronger, but it also makes us brave, kind, courageous, wise and gives us hope. Hope for a better day. Hope that no one goes through that loneliness.

Don't let the dark thoughts take over. Have faith. Things will get better. I do believe that you will make it through.

I have an advice and I think it will make you better. Try to cheer up your room. Ask a friend of yours to do some butterflies out of colored paper and stick them on a wall in your room. Having a colorful, nice, warming and uplifting room will make you have hope. This won't take too long and I'm sure it will make you happy to see those butterflies.

Big hug,
Minus :D

They told me someone called Doug posted here kittens and cute words.
I love kitties. Aw.

I won't write much right now, sorry for my absence in a while. Some problems apparently occurred but, honestly, i have no idea on what's happening.
I don't really feel worse, just "bad" as usual, but now I'm more guarded that before.
This is suspicious as fuck, i can't stop wondering what the hell is going on.
I'll keep updating! Stay adorable you guys!

>>122 I hope they're not hiding anything from you and if they are, that it's nothing serious :(
Good luck Coffee-chan~! <3

Hey everybody.
I'm sorry if i didn't write much in these days, but i had reasons. Different reasons.

First of all: I'm getting weaker. Myd sorta "disappeared" but the therapy is obligatory and I'm not dealing well anymore with it, it's just getting something too heavy to bear. I'm scared, it's a terrible feeling. Fear. And pain too.
Demotivating, I'd say.

Secondly: i got, again, enough time to let my mind running wild.
And i realized that i'm just as lonely as ever. Not "feel" lonely, i "am".

I never had a wide range of friends. When i was a little kid i used to be a sweetie, shy but energetic and i got along with almost everybody, wanting to be a funny presence in my friends' lives. Then, for a reason and another, i started to be forced down by my parents, and since I've always respected them so much i blindly focused on their advices. I ended up abandoning some dear friends because they were judged as "bad companies" and lead to meet "more quiet" people. But i didn't really fit with those new "friends", they were just so different from me and we didn't even share interests.
I ended up giving up to be friends with everybody and i closed myself up. I even stopped going out and "having fun", since it wasn't fun anymore.
At the beginning of high school the hell started because I've been forced to gather up with new people...and i completely forgot how to interact. I am still "the awkard one, the quiet one, the piteous one". I always felt so sad that i couldn't speak properly with somebody, anybody, without feeling paranoid and worrisome.
I wasn't able to express myself properly with words so i ended up showing off my emotions with blunt and sincere acts.
Few words, crying a lot and freely, hugging people instead of thanking them, giving free punches to the kids who made me angry...and trembling most of the time. I even had hard time looking people in the eyes.
All of this, in school. Outside i was completely different. Still nervous, but rather normal.
I've never wanted mental support for my behaviour. I'm not crazy, i wasn't crazy.
I can think normally with my head.
But no one cares about What you have to say if you can't say it in the most conventional ways. And no one wanted to know more about me.
My classmates sometimes visited me in here, but I'm fully sure that it was an act of pity. Like, when you hug and cuddle a little puppy because it's so innocent and defenseless, but in fact it's just a puppy. A stupid one who only cares about cuddles.

I just wanted to talk normally with someone about shit without the fear of being judged, telling people about my holidays or funny stuff I've seen somewhere, holding conversation.
I don't want your stupid hugs, it doesn't mean anything in my life if that's the only thing you can give me. It's meaningless.

But I'm such desperate to the point that i keep on wishing that one day, my old friends and my new classmates will trow a surprise party for me. With a cake, where everybody would just smile and hold tight my hands telling me that i can be an awesome person anytime.
I cry because it would be so beautiful and also because it won't happen. My wishes aren't valuable. Doing something nice for my sake is not something that someone would ever think of.

"She's a strange one, she gets easily upset.
Leave her alone.
She wants to be quiet.
Don't startle her."

I don't want to be quiet, i want to rock the world with someone special, get amazed by little and big things, i want to travel with a large group of friendly people that would keep asking me stuff, even stupid questions, deep ones, personal ones, i want someone to teach me how to improve my art and draw with him or her.

But nobody will ever know what i wish for because i can't put it into verbal communication.
And everybody leaves me alone, like always.

I just want someone who cares deeply about me. Even for one day only. Someone who would put effort in making me smile.

This is why I'm lonely.
I have you, and you are great. But I'm tired of words. I know that i can't ask you anything, i won't. My wishes shall stay wishes.
I'm just incredibly tired of expecting some satisfaction in this world, nothing comes and waiting has become unbearable.

If i had my health i would say
"i can quietly look up for a change in the future"
but i don't have it. I don't.
And i might have no time left to feel happy again.

Thanks for reading.

>>124 if only I could fly over to you! I would if I could T^T
Don't let your mind run wild like that, don't let it get to dark places and such. Keep fighting and stay hopeful, you will get out, you will get your health back, you will meet new people and make new friends. Good friends can be hard to come by but you deserve the best so don't sell yourself short, you will make friends, you're an extremely sweet girl! I believe in you Coffee-chan, focus on getting better for now okay? We'll be here for you, internet relationships can be just as fulfilling and meaningful as real life ones. :3

>>124 I know it doesn't help you, but I am your friend. I care about you. I also wish I could visit you in person, but I don't have a lot of money to do so :(
I know I keep saying that over and over, but it really is true. I want you to know that.

It's hard for people to see you as more than a cancer patient, that much is obvious. I can't even imagine what that is like. I only hope they turn around and see you for who you really are someday: a human being, with the same hopes and dreams as anyone else.

We love you, Coffee.
Keep on keeping on.

Sorry I'm late. Been going hard on F/SN and AoEIII, to the point I forgot the world existed. Mostly.

>>124
That's quite the story. That story, in combination with some introspection, made me realize a few things about myself. Depressing, mind crushing things.

Meh. I've written several things out right here and erased them each time. My confidence has left me. I think that for the first time in a while, I might have driven myself to the precipice of destruction.

First, you can ask us anything. You already understand there are wishes we can't grant but just voicing the wish itself is a source of hope.

Ugh. I'm failing again. Nothing I say seems real. I will try and continue.

....

.......

That loneliness. I know it. I experience it twenty-four seven. I'm experiencing it right now, in regard to you. I wish I had the situation to allow me to go to your side, to grant you some of these dreams.

No. I don't have the right to do so.

Ah, I don't mean that. I think.

....I'm broken, sorry.

You might be wondering what exactly is wrong with me right about now. I'm not going to tell you. Not here. I feel like it would be a grave offense to invade your personal thread with my problems. Heh.

I just wanted to show my presence but it seems like I'm hurt more than I thought and I ended u-

Dammit, my train of thought shattered again.

Can't get my thoughts into order again. Going to say what my fingers decide to.

Don't worry so much about those kinds of friends and people. That is something that will come, no matter what you do. Even if you are socially inept, you are here aren't you? Use what happens here as a source of wisdom and strength. Gain some confidence from what we say.

Face-to-face. I want it too.

Sorry. Confused. Ending this here.

>>127 You should make your own Personal thread :)

you are all amazing people, just reading through all these posts send me on a roller coaster of emotions. no one should ever give up no matter how weak they feel, i wish everyone was as nice as the people here. Keep Fighting!!!

>>128
I was thinking about that for a couple cycles.

I might. Not sure if I want to deal with it. I'm not even sure if I can properly explain myself.

I know if I do, Chreggome will show up to harass me. Scary. So scary.

>>130 I do agree with >>128.

You seem to have a lot to talk about.
Having a personal space here where i can express my thoughts under the appearance of words helps me to put an order into my mind, since i have to think wisely about the correct order of the sentences.
It's a work that makes my brain work properly, in a sense. And it frees me from some weights.

(don't worry about Chreggrome. I have to admit that he has surely been an ass but he's essentially harmless. Words are just pixels on a screen and ink on paper~)

Hello everybody-san. I don't feel any better under a psychological point of view but i have to admit that my health has slowly improved.
Slowly. I'm regaining energies, hooray.
They have told me that, if i continue to steadily get better, in two weeks time i will receive some cheese along my usual dinner.
I'm satisfied as a little mouse would be.

I'd like to be spoiled, once in a while. Like a little kid. I feel pleased both by material and abstract gifts towards me, i like to receive. They push me to be nicer, kinder, more generous.
" 'Love' is female", sings a certain Nina. "If she doesn't receive she doesn't give out"

It's nice that even the shallowest lyrics hide some meaning, it's only matter of perspective.
I feel like drinking wine on a green field with someone and discussing about art and feminism. Idealising much?

Dreams are the only human product with no mistakes, they just come right when needed. Even nightmares.

I'm sorry if this posts seems empty. But i don't have nothing clear in my mind now, I'm just navigating...

I'm outta here. I just want to leave you this photo of mine, before Myd showed up officially. I looked cute here. That's the only picture of me that I'd dare to define as "cute". I don't want to be pictured as a scrawny bald trash. I'm just used to be a young woman who dreamt too much and woke up only now. Love you all guys.

-Not a Goodbye yet

>>131
"Scrawny bald trash".

I take great offense to this! LOLLLLL

Your words wound me! Mainly because I'm exactly this. Well, I'm willingly bald. I'd give you my hair if I could. Don't want it. At all. Hair requires too much effort.

I'm better now. Not because I figured anything out but simply because time passed. I suppose I might make my own little venting thread soon. Less confusion.

I was mostly joking about Chreggrome. I think we both troll each other equally. Or will, once I find an opening. YOU HEAR THAT?! I'M COMING FOR YOU! THIS ISN'T OVER!

I'm glad your health is getting better. That makes me smile. Well, sort of. My cheeks are dysfunctional at this moment so it looks I'm grimacing. Might be a little scary. Or a lot. Like a tiger baring it's fangs.

Cheese. 'Nuff said.

Picture. Pretty. Approved.

I'm late, so I have to end this now. Sorry. Will return later.

>>131 you are adorable. And I'm sure you still are, even with your current condition, because you're always beautiful. Beauty is also what's inside the mind as well, and through your words alone you are gorgeous.
It's actually a good thing that you don't have much to say, I mean that in the most possible positive way, it means that less is wrong, even if it still feels a little sucky, it's better than what it had been before when you had a lot to say, a lot of emotions that needed to be transcribed into words.
No you're not idealizing too much or dreaming too much, both are good things to do that enrich your mind and your life, appreciation for the little things like a glass of wine on a picnic blanket discussing and analyzing aspects of society, sounds like a good time to me :3
You know, because of you I don't think I'll ever look at cheese the same way ever again, in a good way! I have quite the appreciation for cheese now, you come to mind whenever I see cheese X3 silly I know but it's true. Fight~! For your right~! To eat cheese~! *insert rock music*
We love you too Coffee-chan~! Keep us updated you cutie~! <3 :3

>>131 >>132 am I the only one who finds Chreggrome's posts refreshing? Well most of them. Only person that I've ever seen that can be so blunt and honest, doesn't sugar coat shit and I guess I happen to appreciate that. I'm the complete opposite, I can't be so blunt, it doesn't work for me at all, I'm more of the person who types as if I'm offering a hug, a sugar cube, with a smile on my face trying to get people to see the brighter side of things and reality. I can't be "mean", I can't be the "realistic slap across the face" that a lot of people need, so he has my respect and a little of my envy.

Mr. Cross, you really should make your own thread. I look forward to seeing this troll-off happen :3

Couldn't think of anything new to say....

>>135
Hey, wtf, I'm blunt and honest too...

I think his posts are nice. Until he starts dragging me around in circular debates I can't end without just flat out quitting or him admitting he was trolling. He's like a rival to me, if anything. Real fun to debate with, most of the time.

Me making my own thread to endure getting harassed by everyone is a grand and fantastic idea. Right? It's not as simple as I wish. I'm used to figuring most things out on my own or consulting extremely close friends on an occasional basis. I'd probably end up writing something about myself, figuring out the problem mid-post, erasing it and getting bored enough to close my browser. LOL.

Hello coffee and all the other people that have been supporting her all this time.
I'm new here, I mean as a member of the dollars... I just joined like 2 days ago and I just want to say something as a complete stranger that I am.
I REALLY HOPE YOU GET BETTER SOON COFFEE!, you are A wonderful person, brave, inspirational, beautiful. I know you got what it takes to get over your situation, I don't even know you, but your words are enough to realize that you are the strongest person that I ever heard of in my entire life. I hope that someday we can be more than just strangers!, I'm looking forward to your next update, get better soon!

>>137
[Hollow has joined the party!]

Please select the position you would like to place him in.
>Vanguard
Support
Ranged
Assassin
Sideline

Would you like to rearrange his equipment?
Yes
>No

Haha, what is that supposed to mean Mr. Cross? XD... I feel like I am a rpg character now xD

Hollow is confused. Choose XX of the following to respond:

>1) "Hi, I'm a party leader. Welcome to the War!"
2) "Hm? What's wrong?"
>3) "It means nothing. Or whatever you want it to mean. Maybe a new trend of mine."
4) "..."
5) Kill Hollow

Allrighty then. . . Worried about the last option tho, never mind

As a fan of RPG games, I truly appreciate posts >>138 and >>141, haha, that's awesome.

Anyway, sorry for the long absence, but I'm not the most consistent member on this site.

I'm glad to see that you're starting to slowly recover Coffee, I anxiously await the day that you are cleared to leave with a new bill of health, as do many of us here.

You are indeed very beautiful, and while I understand how you may feel about your appearance currently, remember what I said in my last post (though it was a while ago): don't see your bald head and scrawny body as ugly or unseemly, they are symbols of your inner strength as a woman. Always be confident in yourself, whether you look the same as you used to, or you don't, your strength makes you beautiful, please realize that; beauty is not simply aesthetics.

Now, I've been wondering this entire time I've been writing this, but what do you do in your spare time? Do you read? Because I love to read and could suggest some great stories, even give you the link to the PDF versions. I've especially been reading some interesting poetry lately.

On that lighter note, I'll end my little rant, best wishes for the future!

I want to be a dragon.
I don't care if there is no dragon in this game, i'm going to be a fucking awesome one.

>>143 So many questions.
Please, don't say that my actual appearance is a symbol to something: my illness doesn't have any hidden secret nor special meaning, it's just a state, i guess.
I would be a fucking rad woman anyway. Hehe.

I'm sorry to tell you that, in fact, i don't appreciate reading so much.
Let me explain.
I used to read a lot, some years ago. Then the Twilight saga came out and with that another shitton of fantasy-love books that i absolutely detest.

People started to give me as presents some of those kinds of books and they left me a really awful imagery of modern literature...

I'm a slow reader and i don't fully enjoy books now, i'd prefer to read one good book instead of devouring shitty ones one after another.

I'd have to refuse the poetry by now. Too much to think on!
As i previously said, i can't keep here computers, smartphones and tablets. Right now my (great) brother is writing down my words in pencil: PDFs would be a bit useless. ^^"

But I'd like to have some titles suggestions, thanks.
I did read some books while here but I've been mostly reading magazines: privilege of having daily new ones that must be exploited!

Maybe some new books would be nice.
If they're fantasy ones don't bother to suggest because i wouldn't read them even if i had on magazines left. ^^

My favourites have to be Palahniuk ones.

Depression appears!
Depression attacks for 999999 damage!
Mr. Cross uses Rho Aius! Damage is negated!
Dollars counterattacks for _______ damage!
Depression is defeated!
You were victorious!
You have gained [massive] experience!

Coffee has reached level 95 from level 72!
Hollow has reached level 33 from level 1!
Mr. Cross has reached level ??? from level ???!
Neko-tama has reached level 324 from level 320!
Inuhakka has reached level 525 from level 524!
Minus has reached level 76 from level 40!
Navi The Annoying Fairy has reached 59 from level 21!

Job Class Change is available to Coffee and Mr. Cross!!!
Would you like to change Coffee into "Divine Beast, Dragon"?
>Yes
No

Coffee has changed from Sorcerer to Dragon!!!

Would you like to change Mr. Cross into "Fiancee"?
Yes
No
>...

「Hahaha. Well then. Hello everyone. Hi Coffee. I read a lot of Light Novels these days so, I'll give you something you may or may not like. Read This. Trust me. Still one more volume to go though. This is actually pretty brutal and very psychological, so you might not want to read it in your current state but check it out at some point when you get full access to a computer. Good story. Also, if anyone has anything to add to my little...uh...creations, by all means, tell me or follow-up with your own. Seems like a fun game to me.」

「I knew I forgot something. I had to fix the original post and forgot the link.... sigh. TAGS ARE SUCH A PAIN IN MY ASS!

Read This. Trust me.

That was meant to be a link.」

>>146 yes. So much yes. I'm loving this RPG already! :3

I play the odd Visual Novel or just watch a playthrough online, I prefer them to books, especially ones made by nitroplus. I feel funny saying that ^^' I'm the president of my school's literature club, granted it only has three members. The book I'm reading right now is called "Gone Girl", before it gets adapted as a movie... I'd recommend it because it is good so far but I can't say for sure until I'm finished it, you know, endings...sometimes they suck.

>>146 How come I'm only level 95 what the hell

You do NOT change your class until i get at least close to your level. Wait for me and stop farming, dammit >:U

>>147 >>148 Visual novels, visual novels everywhere!
I don't get to have mangas, here. No shops to get them. *aaaargh*

Did i hear "nitro-chiral"?
*coughcoughDMMdisawesomeandthatR18wassoasdkf
gmkghcoughcough*

I have fairly good news!
Unless something tragic occurs I'll be able to upload quicker! *celebrations*

Now i want to read. WHERE ARE MY TITLES, I NEED THEM NOW-

>>147 Coffee needs to be buffed.
Cross needs to be nerfed, way too OP.

Also, I think Coffee should breath molten cheese as a dragon.

>>148
Apparently, you are the only one 'loving' it. Haha.

>>149
I'm /always/ farming! That's literally all I do in any game. I guess it's one of my specialties.

I'm not actually sure what the ??? means, so I assumed I didn't have a level but apparently everyone took it to mean I'm an absurdly high level. LMAO. I won't class change though so don't worry. >.> This sounds like some incredibly nerdy flirting...

I made you low level because I wanted you to enjoy the leveling experience! It's not really fun when you are super high level and it takes like sixteen billion experience for a single level. I know this experience well.

And that wasn't a VN from me. It was a LN. Lol.

What do you mean upload quicker? You'll gain control over a computer soon? Well, regardless, awesome. The fun begins now.

For just a second, I read TITLES as TITTIES...

>>150
Coffee did get a buff!

See? Click Me!

Why am I OP!? Lol!!

Molten Cheese it is.

Btw, click the dragon redirect if you actually want to know how bad ass of a dragon I turned Coffee into.

>>144 Well, that's understandable, that was about the same time that I stopped reading a lot of fantasy. But in the defense of this genre, fantasy/romance stories aren't exactly the kind I would suggest. However, in lieu of this particular genre, how about science fiction? There's many great books in that genre, like Enders Game by Orson Scott Card, or Dune, by Frank Herbert. If not science fiction, there are always the classics to fall back on: the Adventures of Robinson Crusoe is a personal favourite of mine. There's also Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers about the Vietnam War. The Talented Mr. Ripley is also great.

That's what I've got for books so far! Best of luck and love!

Hello, I joined Dollars this morning and read this entire thread ._. you sound a lot happier now, Coffee, and I'm so happy for you ^_^ This is like the first thread I've read since I got here so my impression of Dollars at the moment is really good!

awww hi kinto!!! Welcome to the Dollars! And also c.coffee you seem much much much more happy and content now! I hope you keep feeling awesome forever and always C:

Thanks, Amekiru ^_^ Stay strong and happy, Coffee ^O^

RPGs! Adventures! Classes! MOLTEN CHEESE-

This is just getting better and better!
>>151 Nope, I won't gain access to any computer device. But I'll be able to meet my brother more often and that's nice under many aspects. c:

>>154 Hey welcome! I'm kinda sorry that your first experiences with this community have been including a cancer patient dilemma, eheh. Hope you'll enjoy staying here as i equally do. :D

>>155>>156 I'm sorry to declare also that, even if i might sound happier, i am not in fact happier.
Happiness is...absolute. And in fact I'm still a girl with suicidal tendencies and interactions problems.
I get easily sad and melanchonic and it's easy for my mind to produce intrusive thoughts and paranoias.
I hardly get amused for something and I'm still very, very, very scared about my future.

But it's true that something changed. I don't care anymore if I'm like this, i do not plan to adapt myself anymore.
You either accept me for what i am or you never see me again, that's it.

I cannot change myself so deeply, but i can deal with it and decide to enjoy my time with people that actually cares for what i have to say. c:
I'm not "happy", but I'm free. I'm acting just how I plan to, and this makes me satisfied and proud of myself.

Another week to go and I might get cheese. I this I'm going to cry when I'll see its yellow presence in my life again.

Coffee~ I'm so happy you are feeling better :) Even if just a bit.
I wanted to tell you that the Dollars here are very supportive and all that we can do is say some nice warming words to you.

I wish I could come and visit you, at least once, but I'm from Europe and it is kind of impossible for me.

I would decorate your room with colorful butterflies and sing something to cheer you up. We would stay until late night talking about random subjects. We would go outside your room and show the others our smiles. I would tell you funny stories from my life, mostly encounters with people that assume they are smart and they even think they are genius when they didn't even go to school. At all. We would laugh about their ignorance. We will talk about books and favorite characters.
I would paint your nails in rainbow colors and we would talk about whatever you want to say.
I am a great listener and we would become great best friends :D

You would laugh at my style of talking. Because I say some random things. People find it to be funny. And that is my intention.
(btw I'm a girl if it is not clear)
Have hope,
Minus

>>157 I can somewhat understand how you're feeling, probably not to the same extent but at least to some. Happiness is hard to attain, especially when your mind is swirling with wistful thoughts and doubts, to the point in which you honestly wonder whether or not it's worth it to keep going, to wake up and get out of bed every morning, to live at all. But let me tell you something, it's always worth it to keep going. Always. It gets better and doubts are just thoughts and fears, they can't actually stop you from succeeding and it's okay to have them, just as long as you try your best; everything will work out. It will. I believe that it will. I believe it for you and for me. So keep on fighting, you're in my thoughts Coffee-chan, you're a wonderful person. I send you virtual hugs and cheese~! :3 <3

?

??

???

You guys are over thinking it.

Seriously.

I laugh at stuff sometimes and I realize, for that moment, I'm happy. If I'm not laughing, I'm in a bad mood. There are countless ways to be happy.

If you are a naturally/easily depressed person, then happiness is /always/ ephemeral. You'll never be perma-happy. Best to just take the moments as they come. That's what my experiences taught me.

>>158 Dude, DUUUDE, i'm Italian!
European buddy ftw! :D

People here is just getting sweeter and dorkier. In a good way. Hehe~

What Cross said here >>160 is right.
I am naturally sad, it's part of my genetic traits. Depression is a mental disease and paranoia too, it cannot be cured but it can be dealt.
Like diabetes.
I have no practical "insulin shots" for it but in a way i can keep on staying relatively fine everyday: but this can't cure this.

Maybe with time, a lot of it, I'll manage to leave it behind my shoulders: but it is too soon now to do it. ^^

Today i got a "special" gift.
(No, not cheese. NOT YET-)
Since i have some less wires now (*i call them wires because i don't know how they're called in English, i mean those needles attached to your arms, or belly or tubes to your mouth*) i can move my hands and arms a bit more freely.
They gave me a little notebook and the pencil case
I left at home with all my favourite stuff to draw in it.
I already started to practice again. Finally!
Maybe my bro will snap a photo of what I've done So far. Maybe. If i feel like it.

>>161
I'm half-Italian. Just saying.

I'm in sort of a rush so I'll just say that I'm glad you were able to start doing something you liked again. I can only question what took them so long to let you. I would have been raging until they brought me something. You say I can't lift my arm? Fuck you, I'll lift my arm anyway.

" don't care anymore if I'm like this, i do not plan to adapt myself anymore.
You either accept me for what i am or you never see me again, that's it."
Hello coffee, live by those words u said and don't mind people that try to make you feel bad, Imo that's the way to happiness, do whatever the hell you want to do, be whatever the hell you want to be, let the others think what they want and keep moving forward!.... I said it before and I'll say it now: you are fricking awesome lady.

>>163 This frickin' awesome lady thinks you from the bottom of her soul. c:

>>162 If it means that you can actually speak a bit of Italian, bring it on. Pureblood Italian me is going to be proud.

It isn't like they wouldn't let me lift my arm. It was more like "if i move it too much I'll feel the needles moving everywhere and i absolutely hate needles" so well, it was a conscious choice. :U

Today something utterly distasteful happened.

Some girls in my old class visited me. They were all like "uh you still look great don't worry little fluffy bunny cutie patootie we are all waiting for your comeback to school" and i was in the middle of contradictory feelings: feeling sweetened or feeling disgusted?
I chose to act cool and grateful and i was quite overjoyed when they showed me a wrapped up present.

For a moment i felt actually hopeful.
Then i opened it and my eyes have seen horrible galaxies on leggings, two pairs of galaxy leggings.

I've never wore anything different from jeans and trousers in my whole life and many times I've shown my hatred for leggings.
They told me "I bet you would look great in them, you should try when you'll get home!"

I still don't know if they were stupidly sincere or cruelly pretending. In doubt, i thanked them with a smiley face.

Inside i was screaming "fuck you, fuck you and your horrible leggings that I'll probably never wear"

Coffee has been mad for a while.

>>164 WOw i don't know what to think about that. Well, hopefully they were being sincere. If they weren't then they deserVE TO FALL IN A PIT OF BURNING LAVA AND BUUURRRRNNN. But really, they should've considered your likes and dislikes before giving you a present :/

I hope you get better, Coffee <3
*sending good vibes your way*

>>164
BAH HAHAHA! At least they'll make good tinder for the fireplace. If they ask if you are going to wear them, tell them a dog tore them right off your butt. Ahem. Maybe they thought you might be worried about your feminine looks so they gave you something to help with that? Who knows.

Nah, I can't really speak any other languages aside from English. My dad was the Italian and I believe I mentioned this before but he wasn't really around. It was never a priority placed on me.

I love needles. Hehe.

>>163
Too bad life isn't that simple.

>>165
Hey. No wishing death upon others in my presence. I'm trying to keep my cruelty concealed.

>>164 Now you have an additional reason to get out of there.
When you get out, put a rock in the leggings, find those girls, and (aggressively) put the leggings on them :D

Of course, their kneecaps may be a little broken at the end of it, but it doesn't matter because the leggings look so good on them :)

In all honesty, they were probably stupidly sincere. They chose to act as if nothing has changed because 'they still accept you' or whatever. That's stupid, things have obviously changed. But, I'm sure you can understand how difficult it is to understand what it is like to go through cancer treatment/recovery until you've actually gone through it. They just don't get it.

But they will once you acquaint their knees with those leggings :)))

>>167
Inu, mah nigga. You brutal bastard. I laughed my ass off here. If Coffee is Sicilian, I can totally see this happening in a less than comical fashion.

>>131 wow. I already knew you were beautiful by your posts. But that picture puts the icing on the cake (corny I know). You are not only beautiful inside and in your mind, but also on the outside. You're really pretty and when you get out, you'll look even prettier with time. We may not have known each other at all since it's been a while since I visited the site, but don't give up. You can do this. You can either be one of the many that lose or one of the few that win. Be one of the few that win. Everyone here, including myself, has faith in you. Believe it!

>>164 Haha well at least they had the thought of coming to visit you lol

>>166 Bohoo. Monolingual you too.
But don't worry, Italian is useless and hard to understand even for Italians.

I do look feminine. I think. Sometimes I've worn dresses. C'mon. Dresses.
There's nothing more depressing than plastic-like butt-showing eyes-blinding leggings. But that's only my humile opinion as mildly-working human.

>>167 >>168 I am in fact half Sicilian and i can confirm that this is 100% accurate

But my Venetian side is telling me to relax, eat my usual pasta plate and keep on insulting mentally and verbally everything and everybody.

>>169 This is so cheeesy. I appreciate much.
It's ironical though.
I received more compliments on my look in those months of illness than in the rest of my life. C'est la vie.

I feel like eating. Blame it on the unusual reactions that chemio and radio had (and have) on me, but i didn't even lost a pound. Neither gained it.
I'm just hungry as fuck- but it's good, right? Right?

I have to go home and get my scanner and tablet. I want to draw all of you adorkable people. And dig in the dept of my fridge.

No one still figured out that i stopped finishing my posts with "This is not a Goodbye yet". Guys, guys, i left the best part at the end of this.
I'm still in the hospital and God only knows how much time i still have to spend here 'cause i still have to recover and stuff.

But I won the scariest battle.
I'm clinically and officially out of death risk.

Love you all, guys.
-The war isn't over yet-

>>171 I could hug you right now except I'm probably an unreasonable amount of time away and hug would probably not be accepted but I'd do it anyways

:D I know I, for one, am looking forward to your frequent replies and posts again.

I was the one who was supposedly trying to help, but out of nowhere I just noticed >>105 and it made me feel better. Thanks Coffee-chan. Here's lookin at you, kid. *raises imaginary cup of victory*

By the way, I am Ao xD Sorry if there was confustion

>>171 Man i just read 172 answers to the most scary thread on earth. And I must I'm now freaking happy you're infact out of trouble.

So here's to you kid !

A Colorless Totally Anonymous Dollars Wink !

>>171
>I am in fact half Sicilian and i can confirm that this is 100% accurate

I laughed for so long at this you have no idea.


It's amazing that you are finally past that hurdle. And yes, it's great that you are hungry. Now you can maybe get some of that cheese you have craved for so long! Remember the cheese!

Haha yes please eat, EAT lots, eat everything you see, I'm on a diet so u can eat for me!, and yeah as >>174 said embrace the cheese.
I'm very happy to hear you are out of the death risk!, you'll win this war.

I never really had the time to get to the personal board to read all of your conversations. Just now, I am actually reading this at school, and I cannot help but let out a wide grin each person talks. Coffee, I remember reading the comment from the very beginning when you were losing hope (I don't mean to mention that part again) but when you started to gain that hope, I swear I became the happiest person on Earth. I usually suffer from depression (I tend to get negative very easily) and he experience you have gone through must have been really painful. But when I read more, things were getting better.
I'm really glad everything is turning out well and that your true self is returning.

btw, the current conversation about being Italian is making me excited because

I never really had the time to get to the personal board to read all of your conversations. Just now, I am actually reading this at school, and I cannot help but let out a wide grin each person talks. Coffee, I remember reading the comment from the very beginning when you were losing hope (I don't mean to mention that part again) but when you started to gain that hope, I swear I became the happiest person on Earth. I usually suffer from depression (I tend to get negative very easily) and he experience you have gone through must have been really painful. But when I read more, things were getting better.
I'm really glad everything is turning out well and that your true self is returning.



btw, the current conversation about being Italian is making me excited because I'm interested in learning Italian, if anyone actually can teach me ^^

>>149
also
*ireallylikedmmdtoo <3

keep up this convo! XD

>>171 I'm so so happy for you Coffee-chan! I remember when you first started this and I've never once stopped believing in you so I'm thrilled that you're now getting better and better, that all your hard work and will to live is paying off.
Damn right it's a war! :3 life is a battlefield or if I'll make a reference to an awesome song, love is a battlefield as well! And I still want to see the wedding happen one day ;3
Who knows how long life really is, so if you're hungry then eat! If you want cheese then devour cheese! Health is important by hey, food is yummy and makes people happy.
Do what makes you happy and we'll always be on your side of the battle, as your comrades, always cheering for you <3

>>171 I speak Italian. Perhaps half of it. My sis is fluent in Italian.

I'm so happy you know you won the battle.
The recover time will go fast.

>>178 There is this application Duolinguo which is easy to use and you can learn it there.
And damn leggings. I hate them too. Perhaps they were sincere.

>>165 humans are 70% water so they will EVAPORATEEEE! XD

I'll come with a later reply because I haven't finished reading everything. School started

>>178 Maybe when i get home I'll open a thread called "Italian taught by Italian" and I'll write down some useful stuff to hold hypothetical dialogues with Italian people.
First lesson: Swearing.
They are indeed useful when talking to an italic.

>>180 Uuuh. Be ready to my random patriot-speeches then!
Usually the best way to learn a language is travelling and loads, loads, loads of subtitles.
I learned English while watching tv shows and anime. Same goes with French and lately Spanish, next is going to be Swedish i think.

>>179 Aaah right. The marriage. I was starting to think about a partnership instead of an actual white dress and bells and vows and- ehm.
Let's face reality: my dad is pretty racist, Sicilian AND carabiniere. I think that there would be at least one person against this union, duh.

I'm starting to even doodle cheese on my sketchbook. This is going to be an obsession.

>>181 *giggles* yes, that'll be perfect. ^o^

and coffee, just like >>179 said about the cheese, food is delicious, and the way they are to humans. Stay healthy as long you don't eat too much junk food. :P
and learning a language through subtitles actually really works. I know a lot of people who learn Japanese by watching anime in english sub, which is the way I'm learning it.

>>181 partnership would probably work X3 however I think there will always be a person against a marriage for whatever reason, doesn't mean that people shouldn't marry. However if I married a women or someone that wasn't umm well white my parents wouldn't be pleased, I don't think that would stop me though. Love is love :3
Cheese is wonderful, it needs to be obsessed over! <3

>>183 i used to be obsessed with cheese *_* What I'm saying is that I really loved to eat cheese, but now I just enjoy eating it. ^o^

>>184 I'm so fussy with cheese, it's a love/hate thing. But cheesecake has to be one the best things in the universe *q*

>>185 I freaking love you cheesecake is the best! *Q*

It's been a while.

Something when wrong, but luckly nothing concerning my health.
Unluckly, concerning my family. But hey, what happens, happens.

"Every happy family is like all the happy families. But the shitty families are all shitty in their unique ways."

I still haven't got my cheese, nor ulterior info from the doctors or such. Haven't stopped my routine yet. Though, i started to think again. I truly want to get out of here, this is getting claustrophobic in here. I'm getting tired of the food, I'm getting tired of the bedsheets, I'm getting tired of seeing the same ugly faces, I'm getting tired of not being able to comunicate properly with the world, I'm getting tired of being constantly monitored and treated, I feel like an animal.

Sometimes I suspect that the doctors don't consider at all the fact that once you were human just like them. It's all routine for them, it's all routine for me, it's all routine for everybody else in here, nothing special, nothing ecclatant, nothing new, nothing that cannot be fixed by your knowledge in medicine. And if medicine cannot make it, Death is there ready to do her job. Routine, duh.

I wanted to draw again but i found myself depicting distorted images. I won't show you those, i'm still trying to draw what i used to like.
I mean, i don't want to draw cripple people. Missing arms, protoesthetics legs, cuts oozing blood, guts showing up in the air... I've never been a fan of gore but I draw it, and I felt disgusted right after. Now i'm drawing a girl with missing arms. She's a cute and colourful one though.
I'm making my efforts to fight back my gorey subconscious that makes me depict things that make me sick.

I still haven't got my cheese.

I'm feeling tired of living. This isn't sufferance anymore, this is slavery. Even when I'll get out of here I'll be followig again my routine. A new one, but it will still be a routine. Study. Medicines. Hospital. Sleep. Study. Medicines. Hospital. Sleep. And then there will be university. And then work. Will I even be able to find a job? Italy is in a pit full of shit nowadays, no jobs for youngsters.

Will i ever find something that truly makes me happy, even now that my improving art is not enough? Nothing is enough, I'm just growing selfish. Being alone for too much time caused this?
Being alone for almost my whole life, I'd say.

And now even more.

>>187 I'm sorry to tell you this but yes, life is predominantly routine but that doesn't make it so terrible, it's the things outside of routine that make life special. Your routine as well can be special as well. Even those doctors and nurses are following routine, however they're doing good, routine is a good thing, it means that nothing really is out of ordinary and people are being treated for the better. You'll be studying medicine and yes the schedule will be strict but it's towards something, towards a goal, towards a future when you can better the lives of others and that's nothing to resent.
It makes sense that you're feeling the way that you are, who wouldn't be, you're just itching to get out and live, there's nothing wrong with that. Keep it up, keep patient, keep hopeful for you will get out.
The art that you're doing, don't be disgusted with it, it may be hard to accept but there really is nothing wrong with the type of art that you're doing. If anything you may want to make more of it, to just let out all of that close-to-death feelings and emotion so you won't have to deal with it internally. I personally enjoy guro, but I feel gross for looking at it sometimes but whatever. You don't have to share your work with anyone, just get rid of all of that pent up emotion that wasn't already expressed in your writing.
Don't worry so much, just focus on getting better and pursuing your goals, doubts only slow you down. You'll get out, you'll get your cheese, and your art will be how you want it to be as well.
Keep fighting Coffee-chan~!

>>187 I know it sounds like a routine, but actually is more than just a routine. It means everything is working fine. There are the small details of life that makes it beautiful. You should not overthink at future as a big routine. You will meet great people and the small moments with them will make you happy. And then that is the future that happens.
I used to think like that too, but now I have my friends and they make everything so much better. I don't hang out too much with my friends, but when we do I feel better.
That is what will happen to you too
Don't worry Coffee-Cream. Everything will be fine and it will not be boring, but entertaining

>>188 Nope, you got it wrong. I'm never going to study Medicine, I'm going to TAKE medicines for the rest of my life. And along with that I'll have fun fun weekly tours to the hospital to constantly remember that "once you stayed here for a long disturbing time when you almost died" with other checks and treatments and boh, i don't even know.

>>188>>189 I'm finding it really hard to hang on your words right now.
Guro is NOT what i like, and neither is part of me. It makes me sad when i start to cripple up whatever body I'm drawing for no apparent reason, this is just sick.
Routine. I'm so tired of not having no one that fucking
cares for me here, at my place, nothing ever changed for so long time and I'm just giving up trying. I don't think i deserve this, but hey, life is unfair and shit and for some weird joke of faith no one ever acts as I'd like to, no one has never done anything to make me feel special and no one even thinks that it would make me feel better.
Nooooo, everybody just ignore her and leave her quiet!
She doesn't like company, she is a responsible one, she is strong, she can handle anything!

Nothing of this is remotely true, but then WHY everybody talks about me like this? And mostly, why everybody thinks to already know me so well?

Damn it, really. My parents, my family, my classmates, my ex friends, everybody knows that i had a nevrotic collapse and i tried to commit suicide many times, everybody knows that i can't hold panic, everybody knows it, but then why everybody acts as if i was completely ok?
As if my problems didn't exist at all?

I've been scared for my whole life and i always had to do everything by myself, to learn to be responsible as an adult quickly and efficiently, but no one asked me to rest, to go out and play, to stop working and live a bit more intensely my life as a young girl would like to do.
No no. I'm stuck in the most stressful routine and when I'll come out it will be the same since the opinion of the others regarding me didn't change even when I've been hospitalized for months for Myd.
I'm still the strong one, the practical one, the smart one, the quiet one.

I'm so tired to be the diligent girl that everybody expects me to be and for once I'd like that someone would just step in my routine, making it less oppressive. No one ever thanked me for the everything i had to bear, no no.

Why is it so hard to picture me as the fragile girl that i am? I'm not cured, I'm not sane, i can't save myself alone from this and nobody, nobody is willing to held my hand and help me out of this routine.

If it wasn't for my brother I'd already have give up a long time ago, I'm sorry.

(-Talking now here is C.Coffee brother. She told me to write down other sentences but they were broken and she was way crying too much, I had to stop to write down for her sake. I don't know when she'll be Ok again, hopefully soon. I kindly ask you all not to mention the fact that in future she will meet friends and be happy with them. Friendship is a thematic that deeply hurts her. I'm sure you'll understand and I Thank You for trying to be supportive.-)

Woah i'm so confused
CriptCofee and CofeeCream are the same person?
For a second I was freaking out cause I thought this was a suicide post!!

Anyways, Good luck in life CriptCofee I wish you the best!!
If there is anything I can do please say

>>191 All the C____Coffee's are the same person in this thread :I Please read all the posts before you respond to something.

No, the IP adresses are different.
And Bring it on, CoffeCream!

>>193 (-I can answer to this. Sometimes I update from my cellphone straight away, but some other days i wait to go home from the hospital and I update from the computer. Hence, there are two different codes. - Bro)

Uh. In this case, sorry >.

>>190 "once you stayed here for a long disturbing time when you almost died" yes you did, and you survived. Going back there can be taken in a positive way, you can remember how hard you fought for your life, all the things you wanted to do when you got out, etc.; use the experience to remind you that you're strong, extremely strong.
If your art is bothering you that much then either fight the urge and draw what you want or just hold off on drawing for awhile, until you no longer feel the need to draw grotesque scenes.
At times like this in life you can kinda tell who's really there for you. People there might not be as on your side as you had wanted but we're here for you and that should still count for something.
People who personally know cancer patients go through certain aspects and hardships as well, not as critical as the patient but they still go through something. They may be saying those things because they don't know what to say or not to say. People often like to think that they have a firm understanding over a situation and that includes other people, there will always be people that assume things about you and/or think they know you completely. People have different coping methods, they might not be able to fully understand and rationalize what you're going through because they can't deal with it mentally or just don't want to. That doesn't justify their actions at all it at least can explain them to an extent.
Don't let this get to you, because they don't know you, and frankly, maybe they don't have the right to. You're a complex, beautiful, wonderful, caring person so don't you forget it!

Coffee-chan, I'll be honest here, I understand how you're feeling, I don't have a life threatening condition but I do have a few anxiety problems that affect me in a lot of my life. Nobody really knows how bad it gets sometimes (besides my neko who sees me in such states, and the Dollars who I've written to for help before), everyone just assumes things about me and doesn't really ask, and if they ask, I don't tell them how bad it is. There are days when I just want to die. I never act on those feelings, I'm stronger than that but sometimes I really feel weak. People assume I'm too kind, too happy seeming, too stubborn, etc.; and they don't question it either. Girls like us, we just have to stay strong for ourselves, no matter how weak we feel, we're stronger than we'll ever know, than anyone will really know. I just want to let you know that you're not alone. I'd lend you my hand and help you out of that routine, I'd give you a long hug if I could, this is as best as I can do and I don't know if it'll help but still, it's worth a shot, you deserve to be happy. *hugs* keep fighting~! <3

Two members of my family gave up to cancer, they just didn't accept treatment anymore... Why?, I guess they were tired and fragile too... The worst part of their condition began to happen just after they surrendered.. I'm telling you this because I don't want you to be like them!, even if you are tired, fragile, and thinking that the future it's not going to be easy DO NOT GIVE UP, if you are fragile and feeling that u don't have support, remember that your brother is there for you and that we are always hoping for you to get better, I know is not the same as having someone by your side but we are always supporting you. Make up your mind and rebuild your life once you get out of there, even if there's a routine find a way to distract from it live and be happy because you beated the shit out of myd. You are not ok it's true but only you can change that. Do it for yourself, for the cheese and for all the things that will make you happy in life even if you don't know what are those things yet. It's not easy, it's very hard, but it will worth it if you keep moving forward.
Hang in there and don't let the dark thoughts overcome you.
I don't know you, but I hope you get better.
Thank you for hanging in there after all you have to bear with.

>>190
I don't care how fragile you are.
I don't care if you don't have hair.
I don't care that you think you're weak or that you are sad.

I care about you.
I care about you and that will never change, Coffee.
Just know that.
I can't make this clear over the Internet and through your brother, despite his continued and no doubt eternal awesomeness.
I care about and appreciate you.

Know that there is someone who does.
Please.

To spend a little time and to clear my mind.

Azzurra Coffee: 'cause it's my name. "Sky Blue" is the meaning.
Breath Coffee: How long has it been since I've breathed normally?
C.Coffee: A letter that speaks for itself.
Dear Coffee: A memory of a nice friend.
Emotional Coffee: It's so easy to let your tears fall, if the words cannot do the same.
Falling Coffee: It's even easier to fall into despair once more.
Gentle Coffee: To hurt someone else is the greatest self-offense...
Hurt Coffee: ...but someone doesn't think the same as me.
Ignorant Coffee: Many are the things I'm not aware of.
Jello Coffee: I absorb everything and I tremble each time.
Killer Coffee: The best weapon against yourself is you.
Lily Coffee: A flower for me.
Myd Coffee: Inevitable part of my life, you bastard.
Number2 Coffee: There's always something that deserves more attention instead of me.
Ophelia Coffee: Should I drow myself in this sea of crazyness?
Patient Coffee: Let's wait all together, let's suffer all alone.
Quantity of Coffee: How much of me do I need to give out again?
Responsible Coffee: I'll always play the Devil's Lawyer if it means that you're safe.
Solitude Coffee: La solitude ne m'abbandone jamais.
Treasure Coffee: Teach me how to treasure every single happy moment.
Unique Coffee: There's only one Coffee that you'll be able to break down and that one is not me.
Welcome Coffee: I'll let you come into my life, if you promise you won't make a mess.
X Coffee: The unknown is eagerly waiting for me.
You and Coffee: What do You see of me, in a letter or many others?
Zinghi Coffee: 'cause it's my surname.

In the middle of "Azzurra" and "Zinghi" there's more than an empty space.

>>198 Why "Please"?

You are all always nice despite everything. I wish I could be supportive too, maybe even once in a while.

How can i pay off all the time you've spent for me?
It's not a common choice to give precious minutes of your lives helping someone.
I can't properly do the same right now, i actually feel like a burden.

I started to feel weak(er) in those days and i admit that this influenced also my thoughts, i find it hard to concentrate on being optimist now.
My cheese hasn't arrived yet. I'm also fearing that, when'll finally get it, it will loose its charme.
After all, it's just cheese.

I'm kinda missing Mr. Cross. Don't get me wrong, this "marriage" thing /is/ a bit exagerate, but he's a good guy and I can sorta "feel the emptyness" now.

Today the same group of classmates that gave me the ugly leggings (i can still picture them in my nightmares) came back visiting me and, in fact, it was cool.
The problem is that I almost hated these people while being outside, and my feelings for them cannot change so easily.
Today I was a bit weaker due to the emotive crisis and general body pain and i probably looked sleepy.
This one girl says "Oh you poor thing. It must be hurtful, you have a really ugly face today."

Ugly.

Well fuck you Miss Makeup, at least i look bad only today instead of you, that you have to mask yourself everyday to feel confident.
Ahem.
That was a really unfortunate choice of word.

>>200 You told her right! XD Wearing make-up doesn't make anyone beautiful. It is just make-up. People who don't wear make-up are nicer. I have a hunch that she put way too much make-up >.>
I would have laughed and said out loud what you thought XD

>>196 Yes, people assume that you are perfect. That you are fine. And one day you start asking yourself: why does everyone ignore me? why they act like they don't see what's inside me? why they pretend I'm just perfectly fine by my own?
But after a while you get tired of those question and say: Damn this shit, I'm outta here.
And then you just stop expecting something from people.
You realize how beautiful life is without all those questions.

Mr. Bro, I'm sorry for mentioning that part. Please accept my apology. I give my word it won't happen again.

Coffee-chan, you don't know? Not even now? You became so much stronger. You because so much braver. You are starting to learn about yourself. And see what is it worth for you.
You are not a burden. You are just a young women who is fighting hard. Harder than us. But we are here for you. We stand a chance together. We want you to make us proud to be your family. So keep fighting!

I strongly believe pain makes you stronger. Who would have thought that you will have this many friends?
Years ago, before the Dollars, did you ever thought that you will meet great people as Dollars? Because I didn't. And my life became so much interesting, amazing, beautiful and I can practically feel like we are a huge family.

I noticed that Mr. Cross didn't came online for a while. I hope everything is fine with him.

A while ago I found this picture and even thought it seems a bit harsh, I actually found encouragement in it.
Mr. Bro, is it okay to read her those words? If it does make you feel better I hope same goes for her.

>>200 I really want you to be happy, Coffee, that's all there is to it. You can pay off my time by feeling happy. Next time you think about something sad, you can remember that I care about you and smile. The minutes you are smiling are far more precious than anything I could do here.
:)



Also.
'Miss Makeup'
That gives me a waaay better idea than rock leggings.
Instead of rocks, you can use makeup. Make sure it's red makeup.
Let it dry and melt out in the sun for a while, so it's very liquidy.
Then, put it in the stocking.
When you beat the shit out of her, there will be makeup splattered all over her unconscious body.
Then when the cops find her, you can 'happen' to be there when they do, and say, "Poor thing. She looks so ugly in make-up."
:)))))

>202 knows what's up, u better listen to him.

Let me just say that I'm glad you're feeling better (hopefully this is still the case). To hear that you are from Italy has brought back much nostalgia for me, as I spent a month there last summer, and have many close friends in Rome.

Don't let the insensitive words of your classmates incite you to anger, especially when the energy spent on anger could be much better spent on other things. Simply know that, no matter what they might say, you are as beautiful as the countryside of Trentino-Alto Adige.

Basically, don't let no bitches fuck with you, cause bitches get stitches, and I don't sterilize.

Also, a picture that never fails to make me laugh.

>>205 Interesting indeed...

>>202 I don't know if you are a genius or a potentially genius murderer. Anyway you look at it you're still a genius, daaamn :D

It's been a while even if i said that i would have been more frequent in replies.
Sorry. I'm kind of a "liar" sometimes (or maybe I'm just incredibly lazy?).

My tongue hasn't tasted cheese yet. This is getting ridiculous.

I'd like to ask you how you guys are doing. I always somewhat vaguely inform you about my health and status but I've never asked about yours: it's payback time!
I'm doing relatively fine. I started physical rehabilitation and i got a bit too much into it that I've forgotten to reply here...

So, how you guys are doing?

well my mother father brother aunt and uncle just died recently and my grand parents have been dead i have no friends i myself am in horrible physical condition and my fiancee doesnt know im expected to die by the end of july but i dont want to frighten her with it i have no money no job nothing but still i thank god for every day is another chance to make the world better so im not doing to hot but i guess im good enough and im sorry about complaining i just needed to tell someone who wont be effected i hope you have a good day and im glad to hear you'v been feeling better il be on a few more times hopefully and i hope i can help everyone here and provide some type of support thank you for letting me speak and sorry i didnt shut up sooner

>>206 I'm glad that you're doing well Coffee-chan! :3
Well I am better than I was, much better. I was at a really low point before. Still some things that are stressing me out but that's normal for my age X3 Hopefully it all works out, I don't plan on giving up any time soon.
I'm sure that you'll get your cheese! Don't give up on the cheese!

Someone delete this post -> >>207
It should be made as another thread.

>>208 It is good to see teenager staying so positive :D Most just complain of everything and everywhere.

Coffee, you stay strong! We are here for you. Never give up and never lose hope.

>>209 Frankly, I doubt so hard the validity of a thread written without using commas nor fullstops like >>207.

I've got good news my friends!
I can now use a computer on my own. They delivered my laptop (after cleaning it i suppose) and my tablet!
...the bad news is that there's no line here nor wi-fi, so basically i can't connect to the internet. Dammit.
But now i can draw again!

I feel like it I'll re-open my own thread in Art section.
IF i feel like it. I've drawn some stuff while being here.

Also, school is ending. I no longer have to read school books and to keep up with the program (anyway I'll have to repeat the year) so maybe, if i still have time, i could "hold" a Written Italian course for those who were interested.
I have no idea of what kind of thread and where i should create it though. If someone has an even remote idea, please speak up!

I kinda miss Mr Cross. Any news from him?

Also, I hope all of you is doing fine. It's summer and the sun is showing and also watermelons are. Yumm.

Today the young woman in the nearby room has been discharged, I'm so glad for her. She bought for her a henna head tatoo instead of a wig, she looked hella cool.
If i only knew about this kind of decoration sooner I'd waited to buy a wig...
I still haven't tried it but it's pretty. Mid-long reddish-brown coloured!

I'd still want to hear about you guys, i miss your updates!
...I'm not becoming an attention seeker, am I?
I hope not.
Anyway I'm genuinely interested in hearing about all of you!
Is Ao still working on his book?

>>208 I'm glad to hear that now you feel better. c: Anytime, if there's something i can do for you just tell me.

This is more like a See Ya than a Goodbye!

>>209 I try to stay clear of complaining, I vent though which is better. Complaining really doesn't solve anything, more people should realize that. The absolute last thing I want is people feeling sorry for me, I have too much pride for that. X3 Positivity is key :3

>>210 Coffee-chan please grace us with your artwork~!
I think the Literature board would work.
I haven't seen him in awhile :(
If you want attention I'll give you a spotlight <3 ...Oh dear, I think that's the cheesiest thing I've ever said!
Ao changed his name to Yugen and last I heard he had stopped writing but his book is published and on the market, I don't know the name of it though...
I'm so happy that you're so positive! Keep fighting! :3

Thank you. Hearing that alone makes me feel even better :'3

Well if you wanna know more about me, I'm graduating this month~ I'm so excited! I'm a little melancholic too, I'm not friends with everyone in my grade, I don't really like them all either but we've been together forever so yeah... X3

Hello coffee!, I'm glad that u can get to draw again, please do open a thread with your art work!, u must be awesome :D
I've been here just recently but I can notice how positive you are now, and I gotta tell you that it cheers me up a lot.
If you want to know a little about me I'm about to join the military police service of my country and I'm super excited about it!, I'm just 18 but I feel I can achieve great things!.
I'm super happy for you, and good luck with physical rehabilitation!
AND REMEMBER THAT CHEESE IS CLOSER EVERYDAY! :D

>>213 I do have already an Art thread, it's called "Almost-Art" but it's buried deep somewhere. I don't know if I'll bring it back to life or if it's better to have a new one...

>>212 People feeling sorry for you?
Sometimes being cuddled a bit makes you feel less lonely...and consequently, more powerful. c:
Power lays in numbers.

Someone once said "The smallest number required to be happy is 2." I don't know if it is true or not, but i do believe that no one should spend the rest of the life in loneliness, both emotive and physical one.
H-how did i get to this topic-

Woooo, graduation! c: Congrats! And don't worry about your classmates, you'll meet way more interesting people in your life c:

>>213 Military service, woah, that's quite the stuff. My brother also wanted to apply but got the refusal letter every time because of physical problems... Now he's looking for a job and is not regretting his choice of not going anymore.
Hard training, discipline and green coloured mimetics aren't exactly my forte, eheh.
Have good luck, both of you!

By the time this is posted it will be full night time here.
Goodnight everybody.
Get sleep. Sleep well. Dream also.

>>214
Yeah I'm very excited about recruitment, I really want to make a career of it!, who knows maybe I'm the next Commander in Chief rofl.
Oh yeah I browsed the art section in a quest to find your artwork!, as I was using the crappy browser of my phone I couldn't do a word search to make it easier, so there I was searching threads one by one till I got to yours (I'm exaggerating it wasn't that hard to find lol), I gotta say I liked it so so much I recommend u bring it back alive instead of doing a new one!, all that beautiful artwork has to reach top 5 haha.

Please tell us how are u doing, we are all thinking of you all the time and hoping the best for you :)

>>215 Haha, thanks! Top 5 of what, lol?

Hello everybody, if there's actually somebody who hasn't melted yet!
I'm having an hard time struggling with the sudden hot weather, summer never got this fast to come.
I can't really over-expose myself (like "oh man i wish i could just lay here in my undies fanning myself") so i'm swimming in my sweat right now.
What an elegant picture.

I do get to eat loads fruit ice-cream though. You know, the milkless ones...they're becoming quite good to devour.

I'm trying to finish a draw I'm actually pretty proud of but the little laptop reaches hellish temperatures and it's very uncomfortable to hold it for a long time.
Damn, i only need to colour it!

I'm feeling a bit blue today, to be honest. Doctors look at me in a bad way because of the computer now and they keep remembering me not to use it too much. Now, they are starting to be a bit too much obsessed with it.

Also, they gave me a little-big speech regarding the difficulties I'll face when I'll be out.
Can't run nor do much physical activity for months, only rehabilitation exercises. I'll be able to swim only if well monitored for all the months when I'm still settling a correct breathing pace. Avoid rides of every kind and generally all the high speed activities. Absolutely no smoking (no doubts on that lol).
I have the equivalent of the 50% of energy of a normal person. They say that i recovered very well 'cause generally the percentage lowers even more. That's awkward because i was a weak person even before Myd. I don't care if "i recovered well", i still feel shitty and a bit part of my life just got screwed up.

Then, the last thing they said is that it's highly probable that i won't be able to bear totally sane children because of the radiation therapy and fertility lowered, too.

Now. Let's begin saying that I've never planned to be a mother anyway in my life.
It always seemed like the kind of lifestyle that I'd never want to have.
Not all women have "the motherly attitude".

But when you miss an opportunity, every kind of opportunity, it's automatic: you think about how your life would have been if you had it.

And then i saw myself with a man who loves me, in an apartment we bought with our efforts that is totally ok with us and a third person, little and curious, that holds our hands and wants to play and live, because this little person is alive thanks to us.

And that's only then that you realize it: this could have been exactly what you needed to fullfill greatly your life.
But you'll never know the truth anyway.

So many coffee.. I'll drown in happiness

I'm sorry for your loss Coffee, I suppose the old saying is true: "You never realize what you have until it's gone." For myself it is the opposite, I would love to have a family, but I do not think that I would be able to provide a comfortable family life to any children I might have with my significant other. I simply do not believe that I would be a good father to any children I might have.

As for the lecture that you recieved, it is at least an indication that you will soon be leaving that hospital, which I am sure is a wonderous thing to hear after having been there for so long.

>>216 "when I'll be out"

You don't know how happy this makes me, Coffee.
I still hope I, Mr. Cross, and all the rest of us can come visit you some day. Also, so I could watch your wedding :)

I think about those same things all the time. I think, "What if I had gone to a different school?". I would have met completely different people, had different classes, basically had a totally different experience for four years. What would that have done? Would I be a better person? I changed a lot in high school, so it's possible I could have been much happier there than here.

But, all in all, I didn't go to a different school. It's okay to wonder about it for a bit, but after a while you just have to live the life you can.

I'm sincerely sorry that you can't bear children, that is a terrible loss. It's also sad that you won't be the same person you were before, physically and mentally. It's horrible what has happened to you, and I can't even think about it without getting angry and sad all at once. I just wish I could be there with you, but I can't. I just hope that what I can do is helping you, even a little.

Good luck with your rehabilitation. You're only going to get stronger from here!

Oh, and I'm not sure if you saw, but Ao changed his name to Yugen.
:)

>>216 Haha I meant top 5 thread in the art section xP
Well you gotta look at the bright side, yes you will be weaker than before and doing all the rehab exercises Wich are not funny to do, but you'll be finally out of the hospital and you will be getting stronger over time, I have been on physical rehab and I tell you half of the work it's being positive! (like this: :D :D ) lol.
So, speaking of swimming on your own sweat, I live in Costa Rica and it's currently hot as hell so I know the feel ;_;
And Cmon rules are made to break em! Just take ur clothes off and wander around in your undies :D

>>219 You can all come at my place. I got space. Bring a sleepbag. Loads of sleepbags. The next Dollars day is going to be held in my house, hell yeah

>>220 Um. It is not matter of rules and not rules, but safety. I'm weak, i shouldn't expose myself too much or i might get ill or i dunno TTwTT
Costa Rica, uh? ....cooool. *^*
Is it a colorful place?

>>221 I've been silently following this thread, but I have some catching up to do of course. I promise I'll always send you positive healing thoughts whenever I can :) I'm so bad, I've forgotten when Dollar's Day is ;-; I have yet to find a gathering around me and have lost contact with my local dollars :/

>>222 Dollars Day must be in July...someday...i think.
Um. I need to get an exact date.
I don't think I'd still be able to do something in that particular circumstance anyway... ^^"
I tried to post the picture I've done in the Art thread but the file is too big. Agh.

I think I'll have to look out for another solution.

How you guys are doing? Is it raining? I wish for some rain. Rain it's cool and refreshing, I'm running out of air here!

Brother now reads me some other threads, mostly the ones in Personal.
And I've been caught up in the "Creepy" one.
I don't know if this guy truly is mentally ill but i personally think not.
Bringing up stuff like night dreams, creepypastas and anime voices is NOT a sign of mental illness. Usually this kind of people ("hearing voices") isn't even able to sleep, process coherent speeches nor in verbal communication or in written one and act with an extreme lack of lucidity. I highly doubt his/her condition.

And this makes me a bit angry.
Families that has to bear with mentally ill relatives should feel offended if they knew about this.
Those who are suffering for the loss of a relative because of degenerative mental illness, how could they react if they knew about these attention seeker kids who are, in fact, joking on these conditions?

"Wanting attention" is itself a problem. But please, people: don't act as you had way worse illnesses, especially if you don't know them and their symptoms, and treat your problem as it is, a spasmodic search of attention. It's an insult.

..ok, i vented out my anger.
Have a nice day, everyone. c:

(It's June 19th guys. Comin' up soon.)

>>223 I think I'll add to your rant. The things I've seen on mental illnesses is utterly ridiculous. It disgusts me that people joke about it and use it for attention. What really bugs me is how mainstream it's becoming. I don't care too much for the commercials on tv about mental illness awareness either...maybe that's just me.
Coffee-chan, it makes me so happy that you'll be leaving that hospital and yes there are challenges waiting out there for you but you can conquer them all, I know you can! And you never know about having children, it really just depends on where you are in life but I just want you to know that low fertility is treatable and there are all sorts of technologies and programs out there solely for the purpose of helping people have children so don't lose hope if you one day want children. :3

>>223 and >>225
I don't think there is a need to go that far to feel disgusted

They should not have post exaggerating or ridiculous sounding threads online, but i guess they need help too( i mean >>223 you got quite a little help from dollars as well)

Maybe their situation isn't as worse off as you before but i dont feel the need to compare with people whom have mental illness or their families

If we really respected mentally ill people mere sympathy wouldn't help, or even reprimanding people whom choose to state they have mental illnesses

If we feel frustrated because of people like that, people from much risky situations than you might think you are screaming for attention as well which i still find socially unacceptable to call someone whom has a better off life than others that way

In that sense, i don't fully oppose what you say but i guess you should concentrate on getting better, don't let this get to you

Wish you the best of luck for the other obstacles you have to face, im sure the dollars will definitely support

>>226 You probably are right. I don't really have the right to show my emotions on the issue if they could hurt someone. I had a lot of help by you, Dollars, and I'll forever be grateful. This doesn't change the fact that I'm still fully capable feel angry, if the situation requires so. I do have emotions, opinions, my own idea of the world. It isn't like I've always been bed-stuck in my life, i used to live "normally" before.
I feel quite safe to show up my opinions here because i feel like at home: obviously i don't expect everybody to agree with me.

Just let me know if something i say it's strongly inappropriate, and I'll stop. ^^
But don't expect me either only to talk about my condition. It makes me look like an egocentric. And it makes me sad to define my being exclusively with my illness...

Let's lighten up the mood now. A pidgeon just crashed on the window and it made the nurse scared as fuck and he slipped on air.
Don't worry. The pidgeon is fine. Also the nurse.

>>227 that sounds like a pretty hilarious sight X3

>>227
of course i know you have emotions, i am only trying to state that feel you have to feel digusted or anything coz its not supposed to affect any of us
And don't misunderstand i don't think that your illness signifies your existence, i apologise for being insensitive

>>229 Don't worry, that's ok. c:

Storms recently appeared and now the weather is simply perfect. Chilly wind and a lot of sun, great!
I'd really love to get out of here, right now.
I'm a bit sad 'cause i haven't started yet to upload any of my drawings. Scanner doesn't work, apparently.

And I'm also a bit upset 'cause people get to go at the seaside and I'm just, like, vegetating here, being pale as ever and bored too.
I started to sleep out of boredom, that's no good.

Goodmorning everybody.

My frequency in posting news in this thread has dropped even if i promised to keep a good pace.
I've got reasons to explain.

First: I was angry and I'm still a bit angry.
My dad just admitted that he has never stopped smoking.
Shouldn't be big deal, if passive smoke wasn't the main reason of Myd.
For years, no, for my whole life as long as i remember i was always by my father side, putting all my efforts into making him stop to smoke. I was afraid for his life for all the time being.
And i thought i succeded, eventually. I bought him books, i've hidden all of the cigs i'd find, i've always tried to make him drop those things, and for some years i've never seen him lighting himself a cig.

Now he just comes up innocently with a fresh new packet and he told me that he only smokes when my mum's friend was at our house. Just like "drinking once in a while", but "smoking once in a while." The fact is that this "once in a while" meant actually "almost every evening" since this friend came every fucking night at our place. And i've always slept or closed myself in my room while they were peacefully chatting in the garden, smoking i don't know how many cigs. And i've always kept my windows open, letting the air in...
He doesn't take this issue seriously, but i do.
Not only because now i live with only a single lung and because i've was in the merge of death for months.
I've spent my childhood considering my dad as a possible hero, a good guy that was being chased by the vice of the smoke and i've set in my head the objective of helping him in this battle.
But apparently he never considered my affection towards his health as important, as he had told me this only few days ago and not even directly.
I've put all the love i had in my family, and what i've got in return?

Myd. Yay.

Second point of this rant.
Doctors are still "harassing" me promising cheese and freedom.
"Soon, it will happen soon". It's been...how many weeks since they started?

Guys, i'm being completely optimist in my coming home, but honestly speaking i'm also getting really frustrated.

Is there someone who cannot told me lies, for once in a while?
Or giving me fake illusions? I'm so tired of people.

Illness isn't even my main problem, right now. I'm scared of coming back into the "normal social life" right now.
I don't know if i'm ready to get launched lies and flattery right in my face.

This is not a Goodbye yet, but sometimes i wish it was.

>>231 people lie and people flatter, every human has done so and will do so. The only thing you can really do is to try to be as honest as possible. It's good to have a little faith in others, I personally like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt even though I've been lied to and lied to and promised to and lied to all if my life. I have trust issues but I at least try to not let that affect the possibilities of friendships and relationships.
Screw the doctors. You'll just have to get the cheese yourself when you get out. And you'll always know "I fought for this and I got this myself."

Keep fighting for the cheese Coffee-chan~!!

Hello Coffee! Answering ur question on >>221 yeah, it's pretty colorful! I can post some pics of some nice places here if you want!
Sadly we can't do anything about other people and their flattery and lies, it's just one of those social aspects that most of the people abuse, just be yourself and as Neko says try to be honest.
I'm somehow socially awkward...sometimes I'm brutally honest and say whatever I'm thinking about regardless of people's feelings and it drives people away from me(it's hard to control there's so many stupid people walking around). I have just a few friends I can count on because of that, they know I'm a difficult person but they roll with it because they are real friends. "Normal social life" as u call it it's fucked up... Most of the "popular" people you see are shallow fools and attention seekers. I rather have 2 real friends than 193746 Facebook friends and a bunch of people pretending just to benefit from you, if that's an abnormal social life I'd rather be abnormal then, my point is that real friends reveal themselves to you accept you by who you are and are a rare kind but not impossible to find, so don't worry a lot about it!.

I'm sorry to hear about your father's smoking problem, it must be hard for you, but please don't use that last sentence never again, it breaks my hearth. Life is fucking unfair but all we can do is keep moving forward and getting through the obstacles. I know I have told you this a lot but I care a lot about you, even if we are strangers i swear to god that I I'm going to Italy someday and have a coffee and some cheese with you! Haha
Keep getting better!

Hey Coffee!
I'm so happy that you are feeling much better :)

People lie because they don't want to hurt the ones that they love.

For the summer I'm living with my pregnant sister. She is getting emotional at a pin drop. Literally. She makes me eat the food I hate, but I don't want to be mean to her and tell her the truth. This is a reason why people lie.

But I'm pretty sure the doctors didn't lie to you. I mean they did tell you what are your do's and don'ts.
I am sorry about you may not be able to have children.

I don't think I will be able to have children either, but I want to adopt one and raise it like my own. There are many possibilities to have children. Don't lose hope.

I think your father should step on a lego every time he wants to smoke. He doesn't know it is his fault that you got in this situation?
I wish he would get the sensation of 1000's lost sneezes.
I wish he will have a long life full of tables with uneven legs, mosquito bites in-between his toes, lots and lots of videos with incorrectly synced audio.

Maybe then he will stop smoking and he will have some responsability towards his health and yours too.
The moment you get home, he won't be able to smoke. He needs to understand that.

I'm sorry for my long absence, but school took its time.

It is very inconsiderate of your father to start smoking again. That is something I think he could stop doing for you, especially considering you helped him quit the first time. There are so many things wrong with what he is doing.

You have to let him know how you feel. You have to tell him that you feel insulted he would disregard not only all the effort you put in to help him quit, but also that you are recovering from a horrific condition that results from being around that very thing. But, you have to tell him if you haven't already.

I can't believe he would do that, to be honest. It seems like a really horrible thing to do to his own daughter.

I just joined Dollars a few day's ago and i came across this thread. This thread has given me so many ranges of emotions is such a short time, I read it all and it was the most inspiring thing for me. This story and these thoughts are amazing, every one of them.

I'm so glad that Coffee's health is better! And i hope that it'll only improve from here.

What i can say to the current situation is to keep on going with the flow, and have your own intelligent influence on the rest of your life. Also to try and take on your upcoming problems one at a time to improve as much as you can!

I wish you the best of luck ^.^

Hope you'll have a better health Mr Coffee ! :D

Coffee, in regards to your father's smoking addiction, it is very unfortunate and insensitive that he was unable to quit smoking, even after putting your life into serious danger because of his need to satiate his habit. It is even worse that he lied to you about his smoking. As a smoker myself though, I can understand his desire to a degree, but this still does not make it justifiable.

My suggestion to you is that rather than try to make him change overnight, ask your father to switch to electronic cigarettes instead, as they are smokeless and present no known health issues as of yet. Either that, or try to appeal to other members of your family to help you in pressuring him to quit; one person is much easier to ignore than many.

I wish you continued success in your recovery, as well as success in persuading your father to do the right thing.

There's nothing wrong with you... I blame society!

I believe that a lot of us feel like you, but you a diffent cause you tried to find that place many times, a place where you can be comforable and glad. i only hope you can find it for you, for me and for everybody who feel like you and dont give up until the time to close your eyes for ever arrive.

Ok im worried now... I hope u are doing well

You're right, the world is crap but it's your job to change that. And I know you're trying, and all your efforts might seem useless to you right now... but just keep trying because someday it'll all pay off and you won't feel like this again. You shouldn't think about death. And remember, the world isn't as bad as it seems.

http://thenicestplaceontheinter.net/ I'm here for you, we all are.

^

I... I don't know what to say here. I've been gone and I completely missed all of this... Coffee, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I have a very dear person who suffers from depression, and your situation now... I can't even imagine. I always liked you, Coffee. You were very sweet to me, even when I was still just starting out and still in my annoying butt-in stage.

Like I said, I don't know what else to say here that would make sense and be true. I just... I hope you're okay soon. I really wanted to show my support, even in just a single post. You deserve better.

Hang in there, sweet pea.

Years ago, one night, a dear friend of mine and I started to philosophing of stupid things, like making smart talks on not-smart things.
Like, "you need to peel and hurt an orange to show how yum it is. Then it's your choice: you either leave it to flies or you devour it. Either way it will be a loss. People cover up their personalities in order not to let anybody take advantage on them. It's either to die hidden or consumed, and you'll regret it anyway."
A sentence caught particularly my interest. "Cream is the covering for the coffee." He never wanted to explain me what it meant, or what meaning he gave to it, but anyway it sounded so cute to me. CoffeeCream was born like this, with no particular meaning.
When my friend died for all the secrets he told to nobody, the nickname acquired a symbolic meaning.
He committed suicide, he couldn't live anymore as a drug leader and he couldn't either bare the shame. He jumped in front of a train.

The C.overing of the Coffee always covers up something that should be given more importance.
You should always know that under the sweet Cream there will be any way the bitter Coffee. But sweetness is not everything. You can always Cover up yourself with anything you want. Build up yourself. No one can do the same that you could do.

Be silent for a lot of weeks. Make a hell of a noise with one, single thread.
Be depressed as you naturally do. But don't let depression win you.
Be Caring, Careful, Childish, Cheerful, Cynic, Celeb, Creepy, Caustic, Cold, Calm, as you want, if it makes you Happy. But don't never forget who You really are.
Beat the hell out of Cancer, call it Myd to mock it, get back to life and rise from your own ashes and chemio.
But don't even forget that you were feared, that you cried at night because you realized too late that your life is worthy, don't forget that in the end every human is fragile as another.

And sometimes, just remember to stop thinking too hard on things.
It's no worth to talk smartly if you just stay still in your sorrow and you can't even act foolishly on your own.

If you're able to figure out your sadness, then you are also able to act for your happiness.
Don't Cry, you're strong as every human is. Don't feel lower than anybody. You are powerful 'cause you're alive.

Today is the 23 of July, and the here present C.Coffee wants to thank you all for your immense presence in my life and your dear support.
You made me feel powerful again.

I'm out the hospital. I'm in my home. I eat cheese. I feel good.
I love you all, I'll always do.
I'll see you soon in other threads. ;) Goodbye!

Don't think of depression or dying. I once thought of dying before, but I was saved by someone saying " Just Live your life to the fullest with only happiness until your end comes." All I'm saying is that even if I'm a stranger to you and you're a stranger to me, keep on living with a smile on your face, and leave no regrets. You are not alone. We all may not be connected in the outside world, but here, we are one Organization, who helps each other, knowing each other, and forming bonds of friend ship.

You are never alone. We are here for you.

You are not...everytime i saw your nickname I really wanted coffee..
that's enough for me to be friends with someone and not just a stranger.

I agree with what >>255 said. Coffee=Strong + Cream= Soft. As your name suggest, be strong, and soft. Strong to Stand up for yourself sometimes and for others. Soft to be kind to yourself and others, strong enough to fight off negative thoughts, and soft enough to think of positive thoughts only.

>>253

:')
Congratulations, Coffee!
I am so happy you are here now. I am so, so happy you are out of that place and feeling good again, if only a little.

That's it. I'm just very, very happy right now. I am glad I could help you to get where you are now.

Goodbye! I'll see you soon.

>>253
I'm glad you're feeling better too even if we are just strangers lets be friends still. My real name is not Roxanne but I wish it was that I hate my name. I'm also 20 years old living in New York City. I'm no longer in college but looking for a job and dating, same reason for my lover she hates her name so I call her Lau. Me and her been through a lot together and I can tell you life can be rough but there is ways in getting by even how bad it might seem during the moment. I told my lover many things all the time but she was afraid to listen and heard it from her own therapist. Even if I might lack something as well I'm someone that actually seen something my lover couldn't handle and she'll listen to me since all she wanted was proof. I couldn't explain often very well either but as long you got someone to get your mind straight value every moment. Don't let it slip by you b/c of wanting to understand its just the fact you have to know even if not explained. Not everything can be explain but doesn't mean its wrong or bad. People are always near by as long you reach out. Some might look the other way but not all.

Coffee-chan, you are an inspiration to us all. I'm so, so happy that you're finally home and eating cheese. You are amazing and I wish you the best! I hope to hear from you again on this site! We love you~!!! :'3

Yes! Coffee!! You eat that cheese, Coffee! We all love you, and I'm so glad you're back home and okay! <3

Stay well!!!!

As a silent reader of this thread (as I always found I never had much to contribute) this has made me really happy to see this :D The amount of joy I'm feeling for you is immeasureable!!
Have a fantastic and healthy life Coffee-chan

you know sometimes its okay too be a loner as long as you get to do what you love, sometimes depending on your personality you really dont need to "fit in". as long you get to do things that you sure you wont regret and be happy with it thats fine.

I was not able to connect to the Internet for some time, this was the first thing I checked. I'm so happy for you, I can't even explain this feeling.

I've been stalking this thread for a few weeks now,feeling both scared and excited to reach the last post by you,C.Coffee.
As soon as i reached >>253 A huge smile cracked my whole face that my brother kinda freaked out as he was trying to catch my attention from across of me. I am very happy and relieved at knowing that you're finally home,feeling good and eating your cheese..
This was somewhat difficult for me to type down as i am completely horrible at expressing my feelings. I've never once in my life muttered the words "I love you" or "I care about you" But i DO love you and i greatly care about you.

Basically i am just extremely happy to know of your current condition and i hope that you continue to live off the rest of your days peacefully or at least,happily.

But if you've left, you'll never meet new people who have the potential to become friends, even companions.

(::[ ]::) A bandage for you to know that their are people who do care, and for your bleeding heart.

So happy to see that you are all better. Fitting in with society is dumb in my opinion. The average person today is basically a mindless asshole. Obsessed with twerking, the newest clothes, getting drunk, randomly fucking everything with genitalia. So I stopped trying to fit in. Now I'm just your average proud outcast. A deep thinking individual who is covered in tattoo's and isn't afraid to speak his mind.

>>253 Im freaking happy for you so, freaking happy :) Thank you for getting better :3

You would fit in better if you didn't complain as much. There will always be somebody worse off than you.DEALING with your problems is the only way to get arid of them.

>>270 What point are you trying to make in saying that? You think they don't know that? Do you think that they're going through this mental battle willingly? Listen to me NOT because I have been the victim of those words--no. not at all. But because they're way too familiar to me, because I have seen first hand what it can do--Because i have said them.

Humans are naturally delicate creatures, we depend on each other. we depend on the norm--on socializing, on belonging. But we are also unique in everything--including our problems. You cannot compare one human to the other--put them both in the same situation and expect them to react the same way. We do not function that way.

"You would fit in better if you didn't complain as much" They are not complaining you ignorant fool, they are confessing. There is a large difference between the two and I hope you can tell the difference. In today's economy of course there are others worse off, but what do you wish to accomplish with stating those useless words that have now become a universal fact? And telling them to deal with their problems when they ARE DEALING WITH IT is a heartless statement.

I am taking the time out of my day to write this incredibly long--probably fruitless rant--because I want you to think about that you've said. So that in the future, if you ever do think about saying those words in real life, you'd think again. On the internet, it might be possible to hide yourself and hide from the consequences. But in real life there is no such thing as a delete button. Not only will it effect your life, but the life of everyone around you. Do not take your words lightly, because the one those bitter words are addressed to might not.

I'm glad that you're getting better! I send hugs~!

Huh.....i never thought that i would be so happy just by reading text....
It's great you have finally got better, and i am pretty happy for you....i wanted to write something funny or beautiful....but i am just so moved i can't even do that...

Well....since we are at a DURARARA!!!! styled page...

"Life is a eternal white board, what are you gonna draw?"
Rookiez Punk'd - Complication

Draw a happy life do it with your own rules, so there will never be regrets....Hmmmm i guess i should be less dramatic sometimes...

Best wishes from this random person. I hope you'll all live a lovely life

Sorry for coming out of nowhere but i just wanted to say i really do love this community such heart warming messages it makes me have a tear in my eye haha i really hope all goes well.

I know this thread is probably long since dead but I had to dig this out because I left before Coffee got better... Coffee, if you can see this, I'm sorry. I'm glad you're better. I wish I would have dtayed...

>>253

So.... I decided to return here in this thread. :) all of you don't really remember me from several years ago, back when I was a newb. Reading all the progress Coffee is having, I'm very inpressed in how you managed to survive. I'm so happy... and I've pretty much left myself behind walls during the past years when I didn't come back here. I never wanted to come back here at the Dollars even, to be honest. But when I see why it takes so much to be a person, I realize this world is just too good to be even true. You're an amazing person, Coffee, and so is everyone else.
Coffee and everyone else, no matter how bad it gets, be more optimistic about it. Even the worst can make the best, so live well. :)

what a poor kid it's like you have n't do your best because you still a loser then how about this be your true self

hey CofeeCream cheer up life is a bundle of surprises just try to make the surprises the good ones and please don't leave because im certain someone will miss you even If I don't know you I do know that I'll miss you.

>>278 >>279 guys, read the thread. Please.

>>277 Welcome back. Not sure if you remember me, but I remember you from before my hiatus. Hope things have been going well.

>>280
I... crap, I don't remember >m< I'm doing well though :) I've experienced some ups and turns, so I think life is just a breeze right now.

I'm fairly new here so I have just seen this thread. I'm so happy that you have healed! I know you have heard this a lot, but you are truly an inspirational person, Coffee. If you are reading this, just know that you have really warmed my heart.

I read a lot of your posts here in this thread, Coffee.
You have inspired me to get my arse up and do something.
I should be thankful for everything I've got, and for the things I will get.
But in order for my dreams to come true, I need to move forward and start being active. I want a sixpack? I need to train! I want to be an author? I need to write!
Thanks for your empowering life story! You are a great person! Support from Austria <3

>>281 Well that's good :3 Wish I could say the same. Glad things are going great :)

Keep Fighting, never give up life easily. Stranger to stranger talk, What you post Opened my eyes again. I was about to give up on life ( btw, not in a suicidal way). all i do for the whole month was nothing but gaming, and other unproductive stuff. whenever i sleep, i feel something missing. after reading what you just posted, i now know what i lost. it was my fighting spirit, my drive to do all the things. you gave me the drive to aim for the goals that i have lost and the fighting spirit to never give up. I wish that you will come back here with us. We are Dollars and we will welcome you back when you come back

Always remember that the world isn't as bad as you think it is

Woah, I really feel you so much.
Hope you're better cause I guess you really have a good life that you it's worth.
Cheer up, I hope if we can talk okay?

Hi CoffeeCream, if you ever come back to Dollars, I would love to spend some time chatting with you.
I have been thinking about you and your posts on this website in the past few years.
Hope all is well.
Love and hugs <3