Hello! I've been in a dilemma since last year and I want to know if any fellow Dollars could give me some advice or opinions~

I'm currently in a class of Year 10 students and last year, we got a New Kid. Let's call her Mary to avoid confusion. Me and co. decided to befriend her and make her feel welcome. Let's call them Shortie and Rachie. This turned out to be one of out gravest mistakes.

Mary is an 'innocent' kid. She acts young for her age and is a cute kind of girl. At first, she out up with it. We acted along with her attitude and just took it as how a New Kid would usually act. Then, it got weird.

Mary is 15. She has no idea what a 'relationship' is. Shortie and Rachie thought it was a troll. I thought she just didn't know the basics. Oh how wrong I was...
She literally does NOT know what it is. Her highest 'relationship' status is 'bestest bestest friends' and if that is how relationships work... Apparently I'm in one with Mary. That thought both disgusted and scared me. She has no idea what 'Love' is and I don't mean in philsophical way. She has NO idea what the difference between boyfriend/girlfriend and boy/girl friends is.

That made the three of us think. Maybe it was her parents that raised her up this way. WRONG. I'm friends with Mary's cousin. It was revealed that her parents had nothing to do with her current attitude. Things only became worse from there...

Mary is a hardworker. She strives to get good marks by studying. However, her methods are those of a primary school kid. She spends way too much time colouring in and her essays and speeches begin with 'I think...' or 'My class...' The language of primary school kids. Me, being one who loves english, strains to keep a normal face in front of her work and answers. Mary is also very very bad at groupwork. Her opinion MUST BE RIGHT and they often very very WRONG.

She doesn't raise her voice and the high pitch is one that will tick you off after a while! Almost everyone in the class now depises her and believes her high pitch is a way to gain 'innocence' and I am with them. She doesn't participate in sport at all and uses the excuse 'I don't know what to do' or 'I'm not good at sport anyway.' She literally stands there doing nothing but piss everyone off!!

'JUST FREAKING GIVE IT A GO AND GROW UP WILL YA?!' Is just one of the thoughts I have about this kid. Shortie has had enough of her and Rachie, although is trying to be nice to her, is often turned down by Mary because 'she's not capable.'

WHAT THE HECK AM I MEANT TO DO ABOUT THIS KID?!

I'm a patient person. I often don't give a damn about anything but due to Mary, I am now. Mary pisses me off. It's like she's trying to be a 'shy kid' but that act is supposed to wear off after a while. She acts like a 8 year old despite her being 15. It's like she's trying to get us to sympathise with her but... MY SYMPATHY HAS WORN OFF!

I TRIED BEING NICE. I TRIED BEING PATIENT. I simply am SICK of her immature behaviour. I'm TIRED of listening to her laugh at her own lame jokes. I'm ANGRY at the way she acts dumb and clueless when she isn't.

PLEASE JUST GO UP!!!!!


Can someone please tell me how I can live being 'bestest bestest friends' with an annoying new kid like Mary?
--WD

I think that the best thing to do would be to be completely open with her and clarify how significant it is. It seems that she is unaware of how the world works and how her actions are affecting others so her intentions are probably good.
The way I see it she is like the character Sai from Naruto. He doesn't know how the world works or how to talk to other people and only learns what he reads in his books. He often has good intentions but just doesn't know what to do or how to react and is misunderstood. One thing that annoyed me about this in Naruto is that since he is like that I think it's his friends job to help him understand the world rather than just treating him as a normal person and getting confused or angry at his actions. So I think that it's not either of your faults but I think that you and your friends need to be there for her and teach her how the world works and stuff.
On a little bit of a side note I actually really like the idea of Sai from Naruto because of that part of him and actually my username was going to be foreversai instead. On the kik dollars group it is though.
But as far as what to do like in my thread of not having real friends you need to be open and honest to each other for it to work. Don't be harsh about it and try to remember that she probably has good intentions about everything but is just unaware. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" - Plato. Try and be understanding about her side of it too.
I hope I helped :D

Reading that I though 'Hey... Maybe I should...' but the reality is, neither me, Shortie or even Rachie can talk to her without flipping out and if we raise our tone, there's a high possibility she'll burst into tears.
We're currently avoiding to talk some sense into her to avoid the tears 'cause no one likes making anyone cry...

I just don't know how to keep a conversation with Mary about anything for that matter...

i dont want to be mean, but if shes annoying you this much, dump her. you just met her so its not like you owe her anything. you tried to be friends which was nice of you, but you guys just werent a good match and didnt work out. thats it :)

oh whoops- just read that "since last year" part. well that...sucks. haha maybe its not too late to try to shake her off? dont be rude, just casually disconnect. dont ever talk to her from you, when she talks to u just say like "hmm" and "um hum" and play on ur phone and leave as soon as u can. casually subtly ignore her. if u make a scene she might start being like "why are u ignoring me?!" and stuff.

That's actually what we're doing now!!
Everyone, not just me, is ignoring her. She still seems like she wants to grab our attention though :L

I'll see how it goes ^^

I suppose that if she is really hard to talk to then to be able to talk to her and clarify everything you need to make it really obvious that you aren't out to get her and that you are trying to help. You need to make her feel like you are going to be there for her and that you and her will work through things together. I suppose that timing plays a part in it too.

However, I'm not going to be one of those overly optimistic people saying that there is always hope and she will change. Sometimes people are just stubborn. I also don't know what she's like so I will probably find her more annoying than I can imagine. I think if she can't take criticism or suggestions that would get her to change then she is a lost cause (to put it blunt).

But I still think it's best to try a bit more because I don't know that someone (even her) can be stubborn enough to not be able to change. Also, people change overtime so I think in the future she might be mature enough to be helped anyway. The other side of it is that maybe by ignoring her she will start to realize what she's doing and change on her own. Or become more open to the group that she will be able to change.

As for what I think you should do. Between ignoring her and trying to be friendly and open to her to change I think that you have to make the call. Try looking at it again and if you think that you might be able to talk sense into her then do that but otherwise I guess you have no choice but to just ignore her. Sometimes there's nothing we can do.

I can't say much about people like Mary, but I can say that you should support her to maturity. She is obviously looking for attention. Give her heaps. Let her be satisfied. And stay by her side if you are her friend WannabeDetective.
If you really can't put up with her, you ignoring her while she named you her friend will probably worsen the situation...
If she is looking for the attention, just give it to her.
If she is looking for a friend, be that friend.
If she is trying to annoy everyone, act unchanged.
That is my advice.
And of course, these acts may not work, but it might work.
You never know.

>>7 I guess you're right about that. I'll gather up Shortie and Rachie and we'll give her a talk. I'm just worried Shortie might end up turning it into a rant...

>>8 The thing is, we've put up with that for a whole year and if anything, it just added fuel to the fire. Her being 'friendly' makes most of feel awkward and unsure due to the immature way she acts.
I don't think giving candy to the baby will help it grow up. ^^"

The girl will only grow up if she wants to. If you've already tried to open all these feelings about her childish attittude and it didnt work at all, it is because she feels confortable the way she does. If that's the case, you should just dump her.

I'm the kinda person that think that you can give a hand to help someone if this person wants to be helped (for example, posting here on Dollars for opinion. Or just asking for advices to friends, etc). Once it isn't the case, if she doenst want any of the advices or help you wanna give her, just let it go and dump her.

It seemed like you had this about wrapped up so I wasn't gonna reply until I realized none of you had pointed this out yet.

From what I understand, the whole "way too immature, innocent" thing is a high indicator of a history of sexual abuse. Especially the high pitch voice part, if she sounds like she's 8 she was probably actually 8 when it happened.

You're not necessarily dealing with just another weirdo attention-craving jerk. Mary is likely a rape victim.

Now you'll probably still say I'm nuts when I tell you I hate sex but see? It can really mess people up. Sorry for bringing up a sensitive topic, I thought you should understand that this is a factor. Good luck with things though.

o.O That seems like a bit of a stretch but you look like you might know more about this kind of situation than me so I guess it could happen. That was my first reaction but now that I've read it again I can see things that might hint to it.

If I'm taking this correctly then she doesn't know what love is and the difference between friends and boyfriend/girlfriends. Does she (or rather did she) ever want the physical side of things though (as your girlfriend)? If she has been abused or raped then she might be put off the physical things like sex which, if you take that factor out, could mean that she just can't tell the difference between normal friends and boyfriend-girlfriend. To be honest I have been having trouble figuring out what the differences between them would be.

It also means that she might really need friends/love and so she tries too hard to get friends and keep them which is why she might be acting a bit weird (if she thinks that she's more likable that way). It would explain why she would get really scared if you guys hinted to not liking her (which makes her hard too talk to) because she really needs to feel love and friendship. As for why she's acting like a kid, it could be because after getting raped she has a scary picture of the adult world and wants to stay an innocent kid for as long as she can.

If what I'm saying is a real connection then I guess that changes things. I'm probably just severely over thinking this but if it's a possibility then you might as well make sure. Like I said before I don't know the situation so you've got to make the call WannabeDetective. If you think it's not rape and you've done all that you can do (and that it won't work unless she does her bit) then unfortunately there's nothing that you can do. Try and be sure though and not jump to conclusions early.

Let us know what happens. I hope we've helped

Lol this situation is so funny from outside! XD
Thought I would have probably kicked her face by now with all that annoying stuff.

How you should act with her: well be simple. Simple minded. That's what she is.

>>12 Hmm, that might be true.

But when I was 15 I was in 10th grade and I was the "transfered girl" and I was dense. I really was dense all the way through highschool. But I grew up at one time.

Being simple-minded will let you not give a penny about anything around you and still get along with everyone.
And if she purposely tries to annoy you just ignore that part. I have some really good friends who are just "meh" about anything and I really like their personality. Ignoring her "innocent" act will drive her insane.
Think outside of the box. See the situation from eyes of an outsiders like us. And that should be easy to bear with the situation.

Good luck with that, buddy!

I'm still laughing XD She is way too much to bear

>>1 she is most likely using a defence mechanism called regression, it's where a person escapes to an earlier state of life that is safer, like innocent childhood. She mostly likely needs to get help from a psychiatrist and figure out why she's acting that way. If you want to help her out then take her to a psychiatrist. I hope that helps.

>>12 Though that seems to be highly unlikely, I'll keep that in mind. I never though it was possible. o_O

>>13>>14 Just to clear things up... I'm a girl. :L
We actually do think she acts that way just to grab our attention, being 'cute and all. I'm actually a 'Meh' person myself. Meh. I'll keep those things in mind.

>>15 Regression? That sounds like it could be it!
I did hear from her cousin that in Primary she had no friends whatsoever and he believes that trauma or something has stayed with her in high school...
Though I don't know why she had no friends...

I'll see how things go ^^

Alright. I took what >>12 said and asked her. ...Mary doesn't know what rape is either ^^"
Most of my classmates are assuming she's faking the whole thing lately and it's getting harder and harder to approach her with a 'serious talk.'

Still, I'm trying and I hopeto get rhough to her someday...

>>17 I wouldn't try to talk to her in a public place like a cafeteria or library or something. If you really want to have a discussion, do it somewhere more private. That way she doesn't have any reason to keep up the act if it is one, and she's basically more relaxed.

If you already are doing that, that's good.

>>17 it's most likely a psychological thing, just plain talking isn't going to fix it, she might need help from a professional.

>>18 Thanks, I didn't think of that... I'll keep it in mind.

>>19 I don't know how to tell her that gently. I'm scared she might freak out or break down.

>>1 Well, clearly she's sensitive. Unfortunately, if you're gonna have to tell her about this, shes going to have to accept this fact anyway. You just have to make it clear that what you're doing is for the best, so that your intentions are clear, Tell her in a calm, normal manner, but make sure your point is made clear. Don't be aggressive. If she begins to point out that you're being mean to her, just tell her that you're not, you're just trying to help her. That's what I would do, anyway. Be real with her, but don't be too harsh about it.

>>21 Go it. Unfortunately, she wasn't present today so I couldn't talk to her. I'll definitely be keeping that in mind for the next time I see her.

>>20 I looked into it a bit more, regression may occur when the individual experiences a lot of stress, I don't mean to worry you but something could have happened to her. It's a state of denial so talking to her about it may be ineffective, however you should definitely try what >>21 said. Regression needs to be treated with psychotherapy. Maybe use reverse psychology on her, if she tries to deny that the way that she is acting, tell her to "prove" it by seeing a professional. It might work :3

>>23 I actually heard more about Mary today and it seemed like she experiences a lot of stress around her mother. The more you said about it the more it seemed to be likely. I'm definitely going to do what >>21 said and try out what you said as well.
I'm going to try my best to help her out now.
Thanks! You guys have been a great help! :)

>>23 I talked to her and she denied everything just like you said. It has to be that. Thanks for telling me. The only thing she even revealed was 'I don't want anyone to worry about me'

In the end, we gained nothing. We're acting as though nothing ever happened and that's that. I'm pretty sure she feels as though she can sweep eerything under the rug and I hate that but I feel as though there's nothing we can do except talk to her and talk to her again. I'm still trying to get through to her. Nothing's changed but at the same time, something has.

I just wanted to thank you guys again... and again for offering me your advice. You can't believe how much your words have helped me. Thanks. The 'Dollars' really is a site I can trust. ^^