One of the biggest things that has ever happened in my life is meeting my friend.
His name is Robert.
Robert is depressed. His depression started creeping in to his life within one or two weeks of me meeting him.
I've known Robert for...
it feels like forever...
but it's actually just been 4 years.

Robert has been depressed
for
4 years.

And I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do. Fuck.
Over these 4 years Robert has lost pretty much every close friend that he's ever had, except of me. It feels like the burden on me is just getting heavier.
He was plenty friendly on the outside at the start. He was very good at the mask, but that mask's all but gone now. Some days he can barely manage to talk to people. He's lost so much weight that his head looks too big for his body.

Every time I see Robert, I say hi - and I ask him how he is, and the response is the same. 'I'm depressed.' 'Bad.' 'I don't know.'
It's been 4 years. I talk to him almost every day.

I can't tell if parts of Robert are due to his depression or his personality anymore. How come I feel so guilt-tripped when he talks to me about caring for him? Why do I leave all my chats with him feeling so drained and defeated? How come nothing that I say will ever be enough for anything. Not even good enough. Nothing will make him feel better. I can never do anything right.

I'm scared to say a lot of things now
because he'll give me that look
and say something like
'and how did you think that was going to make me feel?'
and I'd know the answer. The answer is always 'worse'.

I don't know what are the right things to say to him.
Sometimes I wish I could just die so I wouldn't have to come back to talking to Robert every day. So I wouldn't feel so fucking hopeless. So I wouldn't swing between loving him like I did 4 years ago and just hating whatever he is now. Hating myself. Hating the world. Hating his depression.

Sometimes
I wish
he'd go through with suicide

Because I can't do it anymore.
I feel like I'm being driven mad, walking on eggshells all the time.

What the fuck is happening?

I don't know what I feel.

Sometimes I just feel nothing.
I just want to be away from everything. Away from Robert. But I'm scared. What will he do if I'm not there?
How will he react if I let myself slip, even one little bit?





When will Robert come back?
When will he be able to start caring for me without it costing him?

When?

Have you ever asked him why is he feeling depressed?

I'm sure there's a reason why.

You need to know the reason why he's always depressed. So you can understand him better, even if you think that it will be hard for him to tell you those things. Because if you happen to know what's happening to him then maybe it will be a little easier for you to help him.

It will probably hard on you to ask those things and see him feeling depressed again, but I think it's the only way you can start helping him.

-----------------------

I'm sorry if it looked like I'm taking what's happening to you or your friend lightly, since I've never had a friend like him.

>>2 Actual proper depression doesn't really have a "why" most of the time.

Has this Robert person ever considered getting professional help? Have you ever suggested it to him?

If after all these years his condition has only gotten worse and your friendship alone hasn't been able to help him, seeking actual help is all I can suggest. Maybe he needs medication, maybe he just needs a lot of counseling.

Being around that kind of person must be tough and has apparently had a terrible effect on you. I've never been in that position so I don't know how it is, but you shouldn't blame yourself for what's going on with him and not being able to help more. There's only so much you can do. Don't let yourself get sucked into the same mental state as his. Depression is serious condition, it doesn't cure itself, and the burden to help him shouldn't be yours alone.

>>3 Ah well, sorry I'm not really good at giving advices.

>>2
Yeah bang-bang is right.
Maybe there was a reason at some point - but that hardly encompasses all that he feels now. I know almost everything about him that there is to know. Even then I fall short of understanding him well enough to say the same thing.

>>3
He's seeing a psychiatrist. He's been on a lot of different drugs. None of them really helped. Sigh.
Thanks for your words.

Sounds pretty rough. You are alot more patent than I am. Last time one of my pals was depressed I ended up punching them and telling them to get a grip and stop being a baby. Kinda worked ok with them, but that was only cause of the situation...cause they really were being a baby...but with your pal it seems like it is deeper then just that...

I don't know if anything I know of could help you out. Least while you are able to still be gentle with him. Other than maybe just let you know another person is cheering for you. You are a good friend. I would have laid it on him by now.

This sounds like a big duty.
I'd probably fight until I'll get him out of his darkness. But being me makes it all so much easier.
Try to make him talk about it. But don't push him. Just let him know you are there and have the hope that one day he'll tell you what is bothering him.

Perhaps he is dealing with some problems. And all I can think right now is either into you or he is bi or gay and scared of what people might think of him.

Sorry, but I can't figure out anything else.
I'll check for updates :)

>>6
Haha oh man.
Somedays I think maybe I should just punch him and see what happens.
But I don't think clinical depression works like that. After a bit there might not even be a situation or a reason anymore. But they're already in a deep deep hole and can't get out.
I'm trying to be gentle haha. Tbh I am very harsh sometimes. Thankyou for cheering for me. That's the nicest thing I've heard all day.

>>7
Can you tell me about what makes it easier for you to fight for people to get out of their darkness? I'd like to fight too, I think, if it'll help.
Yeah I try to make him talk about it every other day haha. Sometimes I'm busy though, and then I just feel guilty because I wasn't there for him and he could have been enormously down and more suicidal than usual and I didn't even ask him about how he was.
I don't think there's this big hidden secret that is bothering him that he isn't telling me haha, and if there is I'd be surprised that he told me all about himself and managed to just miss that.

I don't think he's into me in the sense you might be describing. I know he finds me attractive, but it's more in the sense of 'I'm aware that you're attractive and why so many other people find you attractive.' not 'pls date me nao'. Definitely not gay or bi.

Thanks for being around.