I've been feeling heavy in many ways, lately.
I think I could attribute this to the weight I feel like I'm putting on.
Actually, I haven't put on more than a kilo, but I definitely feel bigger.
I'm not someone who is unusually concerned about their appearance, but I think I got a huge shock when I found out that I was heavier than a male friend who is taller than me. I wish I could attribute this to my great big muscles, but I don't really have any.
You see, my friendship group is comprised of many small asian girls and some pretty hunky guys (they're all fitness-cray). Next to the guys I feel unfit, next to the girls I feel like a giant. A chubby giant.
Self-esteem isn't really hard to come by for me, to be quite honest. I think I'm attractive, or at least my (ex)boyfriend(s) have told me that, but I feel like I've discovered some sort of quasi-delusional thinking inside myself that I didn't notice before.
I look at my lean, muscly guy friend who used to like me, and I can't understand it at all. If we're sitting together, I notice instantly that my legs are bigger than his. I just don't understand how he can be physically attracted to me (the personality part I can understand because we click well).
I've been quite consciously aware of the fact that almost all the guys that have liked me seem to have smaller thighs than me.
Yes, wide-child-bearing hips are a sign of fertility and are widely regarded as attractive, but wobbly thighs? I can't see it.
Someone please explain.

The second reason why I feel heavy is because my thoughts are heavy.
There are many things going around me. Many, many things, and I've become like a deposit box for everyone's shared emotional finances.
I love people. I love people's stories. I love giving advice.
But lately I feel heavy, like it's weighing me down.
Some people - I can't help them at all. My depressed friends on the verge of suicide.. I feel like I'm running out of words to tell them. When I run out, will they feel like there is nothing left to live for?
I'm at the age where your parents stop seeing you as a kid and might start considering you their friend, but I still feel like a kid. That is why it is jarring when my mum asks me for advice about her personal life. I have to take my parents apart and give them personal talks to make them rational when they fight. It's like I'm moderating kids on a playground. It doesn't feel like the role I was meant to have, so it feels heavy.
I'm used to reinventing myself and my coping mechanisms in order to accomodate more and more people in my heart.
But lately it's all been catching up to me. I'm losing sleep to talk to people.
When I wake up my eyebags are all heavy. Walking feels heavy. And all the while I'm trying to keep on top of medicine. Medicine this, medicine that. I've memorised so many drugs I feel like a walking pharmacy directory and it's still not enough to pass my exams.

I'd really like to take a break.
I feel like I'm going to grow old very quickly and die young.

Damn, you and I are two peas in a pod.

I understand what you're saying, appearance wise. I don't look overweight in the slightest, and I'm definitely not, but I often notice how my thighs are that bit thicker than some of others I know. I'm told I have nice curves and all, but I don't find my thighs attractive at all. Oh well, I guess.
Just try not to take your appearance too seriously. The fact that I don't look as thin as other girls or boys in my class doesn't ever bother me. Some people find these things attractive and some don't.

If you can't handle that weight, let it go. Your friends shouldn't be constantly relying on your advice, and I'm sure they can handle it. It doesn't need to be a long break - just a week or two to get some rest and cool off a bit.
My mother is the same, and when I get fed up with her issues and focusing on them instead of my own life, I tell her to shove it. She is the adult in this situation. She has lived for far longer and has had the time to adapt far better than I have. I'm happy to help, but I'm not a guidance counsellor. People need to make their own decisions sometimes - or at least find someone better equipped to deal with all this than a developing young adult.

To be honest, this is just how I felt before my attempt. You're tired and you want to keep going; want to succeed - but life is hard and long and overwhelming.
Keep strong, friend. Take care of yourself and worry about the rest once you've got your head in order. I found that seeing a therapist helped a bit, if that's worth anything.

Despite being muscle-bound meat-heads, sounds like your guy-friends are genuinely nice people. I think it was you that told me that we always judge ourselves more harshly than others do; if they like you, they like you. After I get to know someone, it's hard to explain, but I stop seeing them as someone. I see them as...well... their 'aura' projecting itself out and around them. Not as if what people consider as 'flaws' just 'disappear,' but more as in the 'flaws' they hold enhance them far more than they will ever know, and soon enough cause them to become so unbearably beautiful... If you're just starting to seriously worry about your body, I really applaud you for lasting this long; I've been worrying about mine from probably the first time I saw myself in the mirror. From the sound of your situation, looks like these people love you, and are closer to you than you think. I can't 100% say the same for them as I've never met your friends: but when I tell someone how suicidal I feel, or how depressed I am, or how harshly I'm judging myself, or how hopeless I think my life is going to be; that's when you can know for a fact that I really like someone--I'd imagine that your suicidal friends must really appreciate you helping them, and they may even know the toll it's taking on you. But also going off myself, if someone were to say that they're feeling exhausted talking to me, wanted to stop being a sponge for my problems, I wouldn't be mad at them; I know I have a way of making people feel screwed up sometimes. I don't think people that care about you this much would be too offended.

You're beautiful, they love you, we love you, and nobody would think down on you if you were to take a break for a while. And really, keeping your cool this long with all that pressure on you is really, really, admirable; honestly, you're practically a super-hero to me. Don't forget that.

You help people a lot, I'm sort of surprised that you'd be having these sort of problems..
But, it's fine, it's good to beed help. Proves you're human.

You probably aren't "heavy." You might just be overthinking things in the physical department. And if you honestly think you are heavy, you could work out or something. Makes yourself feel good. Spare 30 minutes for a quick jog. Makes me feel great.

You seemed like the type of person who has all your emotions in control. I was surprised when I read that you weren't. You like to help people. That's a good thing. You're a good person.
And even if I say this... it won't help will it?

So.. just let it go.

Cheesy statement but..
For now... Just rest. You've become a punching bag for emotions, you've helped so many, with nothing in return. Take a break.
Do your coursework, study, get a hobby, have fun!
Maybe your childhood has ended, but... who cares! As a child, most kids (at least me) have wanted to be an adult. This is a problem that... no one can solve. You have to accept it, because it's true. You are no longer a child. And if you are, then you don't think like a child anymore: You're an adult. You can't run away from that. You can't run away from the world just because you don't like it.

And you know...
A lot of people love you.

Try not to forget that.

The friends you've made, the people you've helped, and the Dollars... myself included.

I agree with the others, Saika. You can't go on like this. You're overburdened in various ways, and if you keep this up, you'll only end up hurting yourself.
Take some time off. Explain to your friends and family how exhausted you feel and that you need some time for yourself. Don't waver even when they come to you for advice.

Being the people closest to you, they will understand. And your parents should mature enough to deal with their problems on their own for a while. Have dome confidence in your parents. After all they've also managed somehow before you turned old enough to be confided in, haven't they?

Use your freetime wisely and do what your heart tells you to. You might need some willpower to overcome the lethargic heaviness your stress bestowed upon you, but once you've taken up your hobbies again, you'll be able to feel the difference. For me going outside and taking a walk or doing sports has helped me a lot to recover my energy.

That aside, stay away from the Dollars for a while. As much as we love to have you around and read your dedicated posts, leave us be. It won't do you any good to stay here. You would be involuntarily drawn into other members' troubles again and your burden would increase. I'd even advise to keep your hands off any other social networks or forums if possible. Don't worry about the Dollars and take your time. We'll be ready to welcome you with open arms any time.

Your "recharge" should be your main focus at the moment because If you don't make some room for yourself now, you may end up in a vicious circle you can't get out of anymore. Don't overstrain you anymore than this. Without a stable "work-life-balance" (or "helping-relaxing-balance" in your case) you'll have a nervous breakdown in no time, like I did, and then you'd be in need of help from those you want to support which is probably the position you'd want to be in the least.

As for your pondering about your weight and your sluggishness, they might be signs for the excessive strain you put on your body and mind. When you're stressed out you start worrying about the weirdest stuff. I for one tend to get overly emotional and mull over the smallest uncertainities.

So first of all, I'd suggest talking it over with your best friend or another confidant. We can try to cheer you up over the internet but normally, it's best to hear it from someone personally. I'll still say it, though:

Saika you're a great person. Caring, reliable, trustworthy, tactful, dedicated and loyal. A true friend. You have become such a rare species in our all too anonymous and hectic society. And I'm sure you're beautiful the way you do your best to make this world a better place. You're definitely shining regardless of your weight.

So please, take care of yourself, not only of others. It's not worth it. Your too precious. Not because your a pillar of support for so many people but because you as an individual also deserve a happy and healthy life.

There are many different natural body types. It is possible you are simply a different body type then they are and thus weight is distributed differently.

To be honest I don't think you should be upset about how you look. * smiles* Its not the cover one reads when they pick up a book you know. As-long as you feel healthy I think your probably perfect just the way you are.

Although if they go to the gym lots it never hurts to hang out with friends. If you felt so inclined you could probably strengthen your body too while your there with them. Just please don't go overboard off the bat..... Try to feel better ^w^

you seem like a good person and I wish you best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hello guys.
I wasn't initially intending on responding (because that would mean bumping my thread on top of lots of other people who need help) but I suppose I caved into my desires in the end.

Blinking -

We are quite similar, aren't we! Yeah, I reckon I'll need to take a bit to wrap my head around the fact that people have widely different preferences to my own for my own sex - and this shouldn't be surprising at all! I'm always giving this sort of advice to people yet I can't accept it for myself, go figure ;)
I think I felt like I needed a break a few years ago so I took one, and some people felt quite betrayed. Some haven't spoken to me again for all these years and I'm not fully sure why. But I obviously have new friends now, as one does.
Somehow I always attract people with issues though!
I quite disagree with the whole concept of adulthood being based on how long you have been alive thing. Although I do agree that being alive for longer affords you more experience.
Both my parents are quite isolated because they are looked up to in our community and are often looked to for advice themselves. That is why my mother often feels like she cannot confide in anyone outside our family - because then they won't feel supported by her. It's kind of strange no, they're passing their sorrows to her, and she's passing them to me, and now I'm passing them to you guys. Misery loves company. My father probably feels the same, but he's a lot more laidback and chill.
Thankyou for your words. I think I will, in fact, find a therapist and have a good chat to them. Might do me good.

Butterfly -
Yes! I have the most wonderful guy-friends in the world.
I actually showed this thread to some of them and they said they saw people the exact same way, with the whole 'aura' thing. They think you're the coolest for calling them genuinely nice people.
Haha I think I grew up in an environment of praise so I never really had any body image issues. It wasn't just my parents telling me that I'm their beautiful daughter, but all my extended family and all the family friends and people in the street etc etc.
This is not to say that I'm extremely beautiful. This is due to the fact that my parents are rather popular and social individuals.
Thankyou for telling me that these people are closer to me than I think. I often lose sight of this vulnerability that they've willingly exposed to me, and I think it makes me love them more when I realise it.
I do really struggle with saying something like 'I need a break'. But what you said makes sense.
Thankyou for the 'super-hero' comment. That's actually the coolest thing someone has said to me all week. I won't forget it.

Kurai -
People are quite often surprised that I have any problems at all, because in real life I am a very smiley person! I was crying once in public because I had a rather bad headache, and everyone thought that my whole family must have been murdered or something equally tragic.
But of course I'm human.
I'm definitely overthinking. But I definitely need exercise. No heart disease for me in the future. Are quick jogs actually 30 minutes? That sounds like a terribly long time :(
I do like to think that I have myself in control, but I'm a work in progress I suppose haha. Please don't think less of me.
Don't say that you won't help!
Your comment definitely helped.
That is so true - the comment about wanting to be an adult when you are a child. Little did I know... I won't run away anymore! Well I'll try not to.
Thankyou for being so kind.


Litairtak Speruff -
Your message is so long, it looks like one of the ones I take at least half an hour to craft. I'm very very grateful that you took that much time to write me something so thoughtful.
I think going for a walk or doing some sports will really help me overcome the mental weariness, so I shall try that.
That said, I don't know how I can stay away from Dollars! I think the difference between Dollars and real life is that I don't feel burdened by people here on Dollars, because I don't establish relationships that would tie them to me. But as for other social networks (cough facebook) - I agree, I should keep my hands off them.
You've said a lot of things about me that are quite true. My work-life-balance is indeed quite unstable, and I do always end up burning out or breaking down after a period of time. Because I do always overload myself with responsibility. But you are right, I wouldn't want to be in need of help from those I want to support.
Haha that is true, stress certainly does make me worry about weird things.
Thankyou for that entire paragraph of super niceness. Wow. I don't know how to express my gratefulness for it fully, but you did put the biggest smile on my face.
Thankyou.

Makani -
Yes, it is quite possible that I have different weight distribution to others. Good idea to try gyming a bit too.
Thankyou for your thoughts.