Hello everyone, I need a bit of advice. My 14 year-old brother is being verbally bullied by people he calls 'friends'. They make fun of his name, mostly because it's rare, but also of our background, etc. I'm not talking about joking around and stopping when he gets annoyed, I mean that they make fun of him every single day for no reason at all. He's tried different methods to make stop, but they continue to act immature and torment him and make his life miserable. I tried telling him to talk to an adult, like a guidance conselor or our mom, even a teacher, but he doesn't want to because then he thinks he'll be considered silly and that he's overreacting by his supposed friends' standards. He doesn't want to make new friends that aren't in his class either(the bullies are in his class), because he doesn't want to ruin his reputation and be a reject, etc. I have tried to help him in general, even mentioned other kinder boys in his year, but he doesn't want to descend the 'social ladder' and be bullied more, which I can understand though it isn't helping him at all. The worst is that there are many boys that are immature and don't understand the seriousness of verbal bullying and it is therefore harder for him to find anyone nice to hang out with other than his already not-nice friends. I'd like to help him with the bullying and find nicer people he can hang out with, but I don't exactly have the largest social web myself and he has never been good at choosing friends, which is a part in the current situation. I also don't want to make anything worse for him so I really need some help!

tl;dr : All in all my 14 y/o brother is being bullied by friends of his and I need to help him. Any advice would be wondeful!
thanks!

I'd like to say that he needs help from an adult. But you said he doesn't want any. You know what to do? Well is going to sound mean, but you have to blackmail him. Tell him if he doesn't get help from an adult, you will stand up against his bullies. You will protect him. And that should convince him to go talk to an adult. He will feel embarased if you'll stand up for him and then he will accept the idea of talking to an adult rather than the one where you will stand up for him.
I guess the bullying is because of his grades. Or because he wears glasses. Or he just did something against one of them and then that one guy had the power to make the others bully your brother.

>>2 I agree with you completely!!
I went through the same thing when I was young, but I never asked for help and it was torture...he may feel that way too so go out of your way to help him, if he doesn't talk then you talk to someone for him (your mom, his teachers, the counsellor, etc.) I hope that helps! I wish you guys the best! (^o^)/

I was also verbally bullied by my so called friends and I ended up getting so fustrated with them. I realized if they were really my friends they would cut out the bull and stop. So I stopped hanging out with them and later on that month I found new nicer freinds and was happy again. Hope this helped^.^

Getting an adult involved might just make it worse. Kids get teased terribly when their parents or siblings step in. If this is the first time he's had issues with a group of friends, it might be best to let him work it out on his own unless it starts to get serious (if it gets physical or he starts talking about self-harm). I say you ought to just be there to give him advice when it's needed.

Some fights are personal fights. I'm not there, though, so I can't judge whether or not intervention is really necessary right now.

if you see the bullies kick them and scare them

>>5
I agree with this in the sense that unless your brother is sure that this particular adult has some actual sway with these kids, bringing them in will just make it worse.
That said, I don't see any harm in your brother privately seeing a school counsellor. School counsellors should maintain their clients' confidentiality, so he doesn't have to worry about intervention, but at least he'll be able to get some emotional support and maybe he'll even be able to get into a more confident mindset and be able to choose a new course of action.

>>1
Bullying sucks, but bullying often happens because the power has been given to the bullies to bully.
I don't think your brother realises that these aren't his friends. And if they are, then your brother is the one with sucky communication skills. I was once in a group of friends where we all bagged each other, some weeks or months one or two of us would get the most flak - but we understood each other well and knew which lines not to cross. Sometimes we slipped up and hurt people - but conversations were had so these things were quickly mopped up. One of my friends, however, unknowingly bullied someone until they moved schools. This person never gave any indication that they were extremely bothered by the jokes. So please figure out if this is just a communication issue between your brother and his over-bagging friends.
That said, if communication isn't the issue, then I'll reiterate my original statement - they aren't his friends.
Your brother needs to take away the power. Although I advised against it above, some bullies will stop bullying you after authority has been called in. It depends on the type. But it's all in the power. Most bullies like attention. And for your brothers' bullies, it looks like the power base is in solidarity. They found friendship with each other through sharing this injoke of bullying him. He should either find someone within his group who will listen to his concerns and take them seriously, or just walk away from this group.
If they are making him miserable, then he's the idiot for staying with them. His current coolness and social standing won't matter beyond highschool. Would he rather have a peaceful life or a stressful life during his years now? The best things he can do for himself are to get himself out of the situation, disrupt the power balance and alter his reaction to the situation.

If I were you, I'd go up to the school and beat the shit out of those guys that's picking on your little bro.

While I definitely understand what some people are saying when it comes to the prospect of "taking matters into your own hands", or something along those lines, I do have to say that it's often a real misstep to try and interject yourself into a situation when you're not wanted there.

That being said, you also have to take into account exactly how severe things have gotten with him. Common schoolyard bullying is something that many people deal with, and while it does suck at the time, it is often something a child can move past with just a bit of time. However, if this has become a problem that's really upset him, and is causing him trouble, then it's definitely a more serious matter. When it comes to things like this, it's often helpful to know exactly what age group we're talking about. Elementary school bullies tend to just say jerkish things that, while hurtful to the child, aren't necessarily going to have a lasting effect on the subject of the harassment, so long as it's not something they internalize themselves for the future. On the other hand, as children grow, bullying becomes a bit more malignant and more cerebral, and can really make things difficult for a child that's already going to be going through certain changes at this point in their life.

Setting aside all of that, however, and just dealing with what HAS to happen, I'd say first and foremost you need to make sure that your brother understands that he can trust you and can speak with you about the situation if need be. You need to be someone he can vent to, or merely have discussions at-length with. It's not enough to just take an idle interest in him getting bullied, and then proceed to think you've done your part. The best thing you can do for him right now is to be there for him, and understand that you love him and that no matter what anyone ever says or does, you're going to stand by him and support him. He's never isolated. That's the important message to send.

Along with this, whenever you have the chance just try and let him know that him deciding he wants help from an adult isn't him being "lame" or "weak". Your brother's perception of the situation is just as if not more important than the objective reality of it. Try and wrap your mind around the construals he's making, and see the situation from his shoes. Along with understand better in general, it will also help you know what you can say and do that might make him feel better.

Sorry for being long-winded, and I hope anything I said helps at least a little.

Hehe, have any big, tough friends, to tell the bullies to piss off?

If no, protect him. That's about it. Can't say any more of what's already been said. Steel up and fight your brothers battle if he's given up on fighting.
Good luck. I know I'd do anything for my family.

Ok... I'm going to sound like a jerk, but hear me out. Your brother has no good reputation. He has no friends. These "friends" he thinks he has are not even close to friends, they are litteraly just what you said they are, and if you go up and ask one of them they will prob tell you that they aren't his friends. Your brother is being tricked into thinking he is their friend so that he will follow them around so that they can make their real friends laugh by making fun of him. Also your brother doesn't have any reputation if he has no friends, at lets himself be made fun of, so he has no reputation to "ruin" if he does make real friends with people outside of his grade. Also you can't tell me that there aren't other kids in his grade he could be friends with. Ether way completely leave those kids behind, and go be friends with anyone, who gives a fuck what your "reputation" is. Reputation is just a fucking excuse to act better than people when in fact people with "good" reputations are prob the worst people. Reputation... I fucking hate that word XD So summery: Your brother has nothing to loose, ditch those kids and find ANYONE who isn't a jerk to be friends with.

>>10
Having someone else fight your battles isn't going to help anything, they will just come back 2x worse when that protector isn't around, and plus it's not physical bullying.

If it does get into physical bullying no matter what your brother has to protect HIMSELF. If they hit him he BETTER hit back. Otherwise they will learn that they can get away with it and they WILL keep doing it. Even if he gets his ass kicked, they will know they will get hurt if they keep doing it so they will eventually stop. Getting someone else to talk to them, or fight his battles will like I said earlier just make it worse. They will be mad at him for it, and whenever they are alone they will come at him worse than before.

Listen up. Before all you people go saying he should get out of the group and it will stop, I'm going to have to say that it won't. I am currently the same age as your brother and just stopped having the same problem. I truly am sorry to say that nothing an outsider does will fix the problem. Even if he leaves the group, as long as this group of people have been his "friend" for a while he will continue to care about what they are saying for quite some time, and if it's as bad as you say, you can't do anything to make these bullies stop. The way my problem was fixed is that I let it take its course. My bullies eventually got bored. However my personality changed, I went (literally) insane, and I became more antisocial.

There ARE a few things you CAN do to stop him from turning out like me are these: find him a good, solid best friend that shares his interests and doesn't make fun of him. The next thing is to instead of attempting to fix the bullying, be his friend, make his home life as good as possible, and most importantly: PUT AS MUCH FUN IN HIS LIFE AS YOU CAN. This will help prevent extreme depression. Hang out with him and try to distract him from the problem.

If it's as bad as mine was he will cry by himself and start replaying the bullying in his mind. You MUST NOT LET HIM DO THIS. It will drive him to insanity.

Make him happy. Don't spoil him, but his life needs to be a happy one for the problem to go away.

(I'll post more later. I need to go now.)

@13 this happened to me too. His advice is sound. I didn't have an older sibling, and my parents and I weren't on good terms, so I couldn't go to them. I snapped, lost my shit for a few years, and recuperated. DO NOT LET HIM BE ALONE. Ever. This will only lead to him (more than likely) doing what Broken said and probably just pound his psyche into dust. Smile whenever you can, give him gifts occasionally. Gifts he can interact with, like legos or something. Just do whatever you can to make him smile. My face. Is permanently scarred into a frown because that happened to me, my eyes have bags around them from staying up late at night crying myself to sleep. Help him be happy. The problem will fix itself, all you have to do is make sure you provide a ladder for him to get out of this valley. I climbed the cliffs myself and am still climbing after all these years later. Help him up. And remember, the Dollars are always here to help him if he wants. You are no exception.

This phrase kept me going, and it might help you too: no matter how long, dark, and cold the night, the dawn will always come.

>>13
Listen to this person.

there is always a time where we must be alone in life and at that moment the worst seems to happen you cant baby people or they become soft and defenseless i suggest some martial arts class teach the kid how to fight i suggest Krav Maga or systema they can teach you how to handle a situation with more than a fight help him get a few friends or so if you can do that he should be fine just keep his mind busy and he cant take it to heart a couple of months and he should be good to go positive encouragement never worked well for anyone i know nor did being pampered just make sure hes ready for anything

Many of us have been or are going through the same thing. As long as we have something to look forward to in our lives, they won't be completely miserable.

Never let him think that nobody cares, but make sure that adults don't get involved too much. They tend to stop the problem for a short while, before it starts up worse again. Leave him alone for short whiles, but if you do make sure you check on him and ask him how he's doing. Don't be annoying about it, try and put yourself in his shoes (not exactly sure how) and be understanding.

And most of all, MAKE SURE HE KNOWS THAT YOU CARE. AND I REPEAT: REMEMBER TO KEEP ENJOYMENT IN HIS LIFE, SO THAT HE HAS SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

THIS. IS. VITAL.

That's all I really have to say. Good luck.

Ps: it's better to have friends outside of class than none at all. He might argue about only wanting friends in his class, but if nobody in his class wants to be his friend, look for older friends for him.

Personally, almost all my friends are older than I am. My best friend is two grades over me, has all the same interests, and his family is like my second family. Just remember that friends can bring him happiness. Two birds with one stone ne?

Ps: it's better to have friends outside of class than none at all. He might argue about only wanting friends in his class, but if nobody in his class wants to be his friend, look for older friends for him.

Personally, almost all my friends are older than I am. My best friend is two grades over me, has all the same interests, and his family is like my second family. Just remember that friends can bring him happiness. Two birds with one stone ne?