It's late, pardon rambling. I've been more or less inactive here for a while now; mainly because I came to the conclusion that maybe I'm relying too much on all of you for advice, and that I'm taking too much of your time away. Since my last post, I've had only two things on my mind: for those that know my post-history, you'll know the first, my tale of pathetically disgusting and hopeless unrequited love; as for the second, well, I've been trying to find the right words to describe it. Hell, even now, after midnight, when my thoughts and words are left unhindered by my better judgement and common sense explaining my situation still seems silly whenever I try to write it down. But hey, what are the dollars for? To help us when we think we need it, right?

As the title of this thread my suggest; I've been thinking long and hard over the misfortune of others and how I would absolutely revel in it. However, that's not necessarily what has been plaguing me as much as another persistent thought... For the longest time, I've been wishing for the same thing. Shooting stars, coins in wells, eyelashes, silver linings, even my mouthwash; everything... All for just one thing: a happy ending. I'd get the girl, and she would love me, and I love her as I always have.

Then one night, late, when I was seriously distraught. Alone. Almost just finally offing myself like I should have long ago... I didn't come to you guys, because well, I felt like such a pest. Long story short, those who I thought would be there for me weren't. And I was truly alone for pretty much the entire day. I live alone, but I never FEEL alone... At least not until that night. That night, I made a different wish, a serious one. Not like those "I wish I had said that" passive sort of things; I mean a serious "I wished on a star" kind of wish... I wished for something terrible to happen to someone else. Not only did I wish for them to feel as awful as I, not only to feel the same pain I have felt for all these years because of this person, not only to merely understand how I felt; I wished for them to die as well. I seriously was wishing someone dead.

Nothing to be afraid of, right? We've all got our hitlists, our lists of people we wish would die already right? It was early in the morning, I was delusional. Who knows what was running through my head? But why is it bothering me so much? I was in pain; so much pain, my chest felt like it was caving in on itself. My head, just throbbing. I wanted to scream so loud, but when I opened my mouth, nothing would come out. Nothing could come out, I wouldn't let it. I'd wake the neighbors. I've felt similar, but not nearly as bad as this night... Then I thought of this boy I wanted dead; and just... wished it all to just happen to him. My pain to become his, my desires, my dreams, the feeling of all those getting shattered around me; and for him to suffer, then die. But not just there, to just disappear forever. To just leave. Get forgotten. Probably the most cruel fate I have ever wished on someone honestly in reflection. Even more than those that bullied me my entire life.

It's wrong to wish misfortune on other people. I know it is. But it won't stop. And I'm afraid it will come true. Somewhere deep inside, I'm afraid that this wish, unlike all my others, will actually come true. It's like how in the cartoons, where the character has his wish planned out; then at the last second says "I wish you'd just shut up" or "I wish I had a few more minutes" or "I wish ______ were here" and that one comes true; throwing anything they had ever wanted away. What if this man suffers? It's impossible to be because of me right? Wishes can't come true, especially ones like that? I've been too afraid to check on his status. I don't know what's going on. I don't know if he's ok or not. But usually, I hear all about this guy, multiple times a week... Last week, I hear less... Now this one I heard absolutely nothing. Life is moving on.

It has to be in my mind. All of it. He is still out there, alive. And this wish, this cruel torturous wish, was just a random thought I had at 3 am. Nothing more? But what is psyching me out is that I don't know if I'd like it or not if it did. If he suddenly died. What if it came true? I'd know without a doubt it was because of me. How could I live with that knowledge? Sure, he'd probably die from something simple like a heart attack; or gets in a freak motorcycle accident; but he'd be dead. No matter how much a coincidence it seems; I made the wish. If he dies; it'd be my fault, no way around it. I made the wish, and the wish would have been granted. And I'm worried how I'll think of myself. I'm worried that I would actually wish something so wrong on someone. I'm worried I've gone to far with my chase for love that it turned to dark, very dark, lust. I thought I was a nice person, or maybe that's what I've been telling to myself, to make myself likable for the girl I love more than my own life. They say if you tell enough lies you cannot discern what is really the truth, especially with lies toward yourself. I don't know who I really am if that's the case, am I really a monster? Someone who would enjoy the misfortune of someone? Deep down, underneath everything I've told myself to become, I can't even tell anymore if I hold these personality traits because of who I am or if I hold them because of this girl. This girl and I are the same, but could it be that I changed my entire life to become the exact same as this girl? We're too much alike; this is more than just me adjusting my music tastes, or me changing what colors I like more than others... My past, my childhood, my wants, my hopes, my dreams lined up so well with hers, too well...

Makes me think. If I am not who I thought I was, what anyone thought I was. The nice things I've done, all a lie... If I really am just some guy who changed too much to get a girl, a monster... What makes me any better than the monster I wished dead? What if there's someone out there, wishing me dead too? Because I am a monster too.

Hmm... let me take this apart one section at a time, but first I want you to take one thing to heart. Just one thing that you absolutely MUST consider above anything else I may say here:

You think too much. WAY too much.

I don't say that as a means of judging you, no I speak from experience. There's a point were a person's level of introspection becomes heavily detrimental to their own well-being. Take a look at everything you've told us here: impressions of who you are, imposing your will upon things that cannot be changed without physical action, infinitives that in the light of day you don't really care about...you've gone to a place so deep within your own head that you can't see what you want of the world you actually live in for the sake of the one you've created.

So, let's start from the beginning.


Wishing ills to others in a natural human response to misfortune. Everyone has their problems, and seeing that we aren't the only ones experiencing misfortune makes us feel better about handling our own problems. It only becomes a problem when we find ourselves in such desperate affairs that we feel we need to create misfortune for others. Allowing this to happen leads to rash, regrettable decisions and isolates you further from those around you. At this point, you have to realize that either you physically haven't been doing enough to satisfy yourself or that your perspective is too judgmental to be taken seriously. Either way, it requisites changing.

Now, you wished. What's worse, you believed in that wish when you were unwilling to act on it. Wishes themselves are powerless things, they may have had some power in this world at one point in time, until that first man wished for the end of wishes. From the point on wishes carried only one thing for people, hope. It may sound cliche, and should you regard hope as a powerless entity than the power of wishing remains equivalent, once again it is simply a matter of where you choose to support your perceptions. When you wish for something, you affirm that there is something that you truly want, and this desire given such a spotlight gives way to confidence. Those that wish for love may put their trust in doing more to find it, those that wish for success may work harder to attain it, those that wish for good fortune may seek to bend fate to their favor...so what is the consequence of your wish?

From experience, nothing. A wish for another's misfortune will do nothing to impose exterior forces upon them, just make you more willing to enact them yourself, or perceive them more acutely were you may have previously ignored. Either way, this isn't something to fear, instead it's something to surpass.

What you need to surpass here is your aggression towards both others and yourself. For the sake of doing so you must realize that the opposite of hate is not love (they are antitheses). The opposite of hate is indifference. To hate someone is to bring yourself closer to them, to be a part of what they do, to make their successes and failures something that elicit a response from yourself. When showing hatred towards another, it's obvious enough how it may affect your own mental affairs. For that person to have a good day it would cause the quality of your day to decrease, to witness their failures would incline you to feel better along your way. The difficult part is that for most people, their misfortunes are less apparent than their successes. People do not wish to dwell on their failures, but bask in the glow of accomplishment, so being a spiteful individual requires either a great deal of energy or a warping of the mind to make "failure" more easily obtainable. It isn't necessarily hard to do given the right motivation, but usually in changing perspectives for one person, you must also shift your perceptions of everything else around you. Naturally, if you're trying to see the world more harshly, the blows you receive will then feel all that more dire. Hating others in a lasting fashion is entirely inadvisable. If you can't help but hate someone, you need to try to draw yourself away from them, stop caring about what happens to them, and force more indifference on them.

Self-hatred is more dangerous, warranting of it's own section here. As I mentioned to hate is to counterbalance yourself off of somethings fortune and misfortune...so can you guess the effects of turning that force inward? It would imply that when you succeeded, you would feel upset towards this success and when you failed, you would feel relief. How is this plausible?
In small doses, criticizing yourself is essential to avoiding complacency and remorse. To feel TOO content over your success in life would cause you to plateau, leaving yourself incapable of pursuing anything greater. To feel TOO upset by minor failures encourages one to stop trying, giving up on many things they could otherwise easily overcome. Self-hate exists to keep these concepts in balance, but in too heavy a dosage the results are similar. A person may never take pride in their success because they are too critical on what could've gone better, and each remorse is capitalized by a peculiar essence that seems to feel pleasure from your pain, ultimately confusing you from what is "success" and what is "failure".

Next is something that never seems to get the same reaction twice when I address it: no one else is looking at you near as critically as you are looking at you. This is another point I know well from experience. After looking at yourself on such a heavy-handed level, you've pretty much capitalized on just about every negative aspect that you can locate. Half of these do not even exist to those around you. While it may be possible for people to pick up on these flaws, chances are the majority of people who don't know you don't waste the energy to care, and those that do know your good qualities enough are willing to look past them. You aren't a monster, you're human, a human that carries insecurities and flaws just like every other single human being on this planet. The difference is that you care about them too much. If it gets to a point where you believe these flaws are having a major affect when it comes to dealing with other people, its likely just that your acknowledgment of them is causing your confidence to drop. People respond dramatically to confidence and gravitate towards those who see in a more positive light. It's not anything personal, it's simply them trying to keep in the positive themselves, dealing with all their own problems. If ever you find it difficult to justify this as a cause of the way people act, you must remember: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

In the end, what does all this ranting boil down to for you? In short, that's for you to decide. There is undoubtedly a change of mindset necessary for you to commit yourself to, but how this actually occurs depends entirely on your actions. Finding someone else to simply shovel away all your problems is unlikely, because they have their own problems to deal with, many of them much more substantial than your own. You need to be the one to take these steps to improve yourself, but I can always offer some ways to do so. Stop thinking about yourself so much, there's a lot that goes on with you that really isn't as important as your head would like to reason it to be. Open some unmarked doors, walk some streets you've never been to before; it may not lead to anything groundbreaking, but it'll be far better than moping about thinking about what more you could've done. Loving and hating are not the only two responses available to getting to know someone, they are reserved for the special few who truly deserve it. Don't waste either on those that aren't worth the time and energy.

And above all else, just RELAX. I must apologize immediately for saying so but, "the world isn't as bad as you think".

You sure think too much.
Now my advice is going to sound a bit weird for you. And totally new. You need to view life out of the box. Try to switch places. Try to think like a child. Like a cheerful child.
Go outside and stay on the grass and look at the clouds passing. There are awesome-shaped clouds and one seems to smile. Another seems like 2 dogs playing. Listen the birds singing. It's so relaxing and the sounds is so pure that it will change your heart. Hear the wind. Feel the coldness of the grass.
Put a chime at your window so you can listen to that sound.
Go in a park and look at children. They are so carefree! They laugh at a butterfly and chase it. They play with the dog and they are stunned by the blue bird that just flew near them. They study the world around them, just like you do, but they see it from another angle.
Try to think like they do. Try to see the world from their eyes.
Think outside the box.
And believe me that the world is good. There are no monsters. There are all humans with problems. Some think too much. Some don't. And the happier are the ones that don't.
Take a break. Because the world isn't as bad as you think. And that world includes you. You are not bad. You just have some dark thoughts. And you need to get away from them as soon as possible.
I'll check later for your update. Take care ^.^