Hm, well there's this girl. Pretty cliche start right? I don't actually figure on getting a whole lot of actual help on this matter, but I'm sort of interested in what people think it all.

So a few years ago I met this person out on a trip, and after we met we kept on talking to each other. For ages that's basically all we did, talk. Mainly it was just a slew of the two of us BSing and flirting, really inconsequential things, and yet we kept to it on a pretty regular basis. Of course this all began a few years ago, and even while you don't really intend to, eventually you can't help but pick up quite a bit of information about each other that way...

Like, for example, that her father is a drunkard that recently got out of jail, and is trying desperately to get back on her good side. Her mother is a flake and her stepsisters have fallen into the white trash standard of drinking until they can't see straight and running off with the first thing that has a penis. All the while, she's left as the family's "responsible one", expected to take care of her grandmother as well as her stepsisters trying to trot her around to improve their public standing. Or the fact that even though she had wanted to go to college after graduation, the total lack of support in her family and that she has to uphold her "responsibilities" means that she has to get a job and pull her wait for multiple people, at a dead-end labor job no less despite the fact that her kneecaps swell like balloons after just a little bit of physical stress is put onto them.

But the strangest thing that I've learned of this person after so many years is that there is no way on this Earth that she would even allow someone else to help her with all of this. Even on the most brutal of cases, where police have been involved and property has been destroyed, she absolutely refuses to let me do anything about it. It's ingratiating. I mean, regardless of whether or not there exists any form of sentimentality between us is entirely irrelevant to me at this point. She has told me time and time again how much she hates doing all of this and yet she brushes off every last offer for aid I give her under the pretense that "people who have helped me turn around and hold it over me." She says that she knows that I wouldn't do the same, but look at how much farther that gets me.

I've run out of ideas a long time ago. The elephant has grown so big that we can't even ignore it long enough to have a trite conversation, but talking about it ends up taking us both in circles. I've actually tried to ignore her long enough to break the habit, but the fact that I know the kinds of things that are going on always ends up getting the better of me. So here I sit, in the void of witnessing these things without having an ounce of power to counteract them.

So like I said, I'm just more or less curious about how other people see this. Is this a regular "thing", or am I just missing something glaringly obvious for all this time? Please don't be shy as I'm pretty hard to offend and I'd take just about anyone's opinion at full value on this.

I've been in situations where I've had to just watch as someone I care about suffers.

My ex-girlfriend had some serious problems in her life, and it got to the point where every conversion we had revolved around her problems. I swear, I tried countless times and was returned with failure slapping me in the face.

She never let me help. I would get angry at her for making me watch. And how it was driving me crazy that I couldn't help her.

If you have an idea or think of something that might be able to help her, you do it.

For me, eventually not being able to help her got me very angry. Made me feel weak. I was in checkmate. And inevitably I lost.

Help her. Offer anything you see as being helpful advice. Maybe get her to talk to a therapist or counselor. Don't let her do this on her own. No matter how many times she begs you to stay out of it or stop helping her.

Most people believe that no one can help.

Most people are ignorant.

If you feel you can help, do it. Run, don't walk.

I wish you the best of luck with this event.

-Zorli

I agree with >>2 you have to keep at it, her pride is what's keeping her from letting you help her, like she would be indebted to to you. But if you blankly tell her that you won't make her feel indebted to you and that her constantly bringing up her problems is making you feel helpless. Basically just tell her everything, that you can't stand not being able to help anymore ^^
I hope that helps and good luck!! :3

>>2 I want to preface this with the sentiment that I really appreciate where your coming from. Much of those emotions you've described are very similar to my own, but I'm belligerent when it comes to things like this. I may very well be in "checkmate" already, but I absolutely refuse to acknowledge it. At the times I've tried to drop all contact with her, it forces me to acknowledge that I've lost and, realizing that that's what I was going to do, I immediately reverse it.
It's also actually rather difficult for me to just charge headlong into her situation because there's so. damn. much of it to tackle. I really do hate waiting around for her consent for these things, but its simply a matter that if I tried to do anything without her support I'd get steamrolled, and then she'd get steamrolled even harder for my association. I've always reasoned that that'd be far worse than doing nothing at all, right?

>>3 There isn't much that I've told you here that I haven't told her, including the fact that I've tried to break ties with her and failed. She realizes that it bothers me, but that alone isn't enough it seems. To compensate she's taken to trying to play things down, to ignore her own problems for my sake, but as I've said it's gotten to a point where its fairly difficult to conceal.

Then I guess all you can really do is just "be there for her" maybe that's all she wants.

>>5 While I appreciate the sentiment, I cannot simply settle for that. Perhaps that may be what she wants of me, but sitting back and watching these people slowly suck the life out of her is the last thing I want. The last thing I want for myself and the last thing I want for her, simply because I know that is not what she wants for herself.

It's alright. I've run this thing through my head at nearly every angle and there simply is no pretty solution. I was just wondering if there was something there that I had missed. Sometimes you get so deep into your own head that the best option is sitting right outside it.

I kneow what you mean, the solution is probably extremely simple and right in front of us all....on a side note you could always help her without her consent..if there's no other way then I guess just help her even if you get tossed aside afterwards...just a thought that came up X3 I wish you the best!!

Speaking from the perspective of someone who has been in very similar family situation, I'm just going to say this: this is her battle, not yours. It's not an outsider's job to fix nor preach to a dysfunctional family. If she doesn't want your help, then it's simply not your place to force it on her.

Have a little respect and back off. For all we know, there could be more to the situation that she's not ready to tell you yet, details which are making your suggestions moot or interrupting your requests to interfere. And don't say, "I definitely know everything!" because unless you're in her body, you never know for sure whether or not she's told you the full story.

In any case, just be there for her. Make sure she knows that your message inbox is a private place to dump her rants and that she can talk to you about anything that she needs to.

>>8 Thank you.

That was probably the most cogent argument I've heard about my situation to date. I know I tend to get bitter of my own inability, and I tend to lose sight of the fact that she's the one dealing with these things, and I do have a tremendous amount of respect for the fact that she would much rather fight her own battles than have the nearest person just bail her out of it...

No offense to anyone who did otherwise, but I suppose a swift kick in the ass was what I needed more than anything. I'm done overthinking this.

>>9 You're welcome o:
I'm glad you understand lol

Good luck with whatever ends up happening. Hopefully the situation will get better for her sooner rather than later c: