I just don't know what I'm doing anymore... I try to be a decent person, I really really do. I have my faults, but at heart I'm sure we all have several we choose to either hide or confess. However all in all, I'm sure for the most part we want to be decent people. After all, isn't that why we are here? As dollars? Despite our own problems, try our hardest to be good and help others with theirs as they helped with ours.

It's been what, a good couple weeks or so I've been here? More or less active mind you, but I still try to check up as often as I can... But before this, before all this dollar stuff, before I even loaded the first episode of this cartoon... I've been doing what is expected of us; trying to be good, without requesting even a thanks in return, being a friend... Be it in real life in the background, through facebook chats, or even tumblr mails: I do what I can. I don't go about flaunting my good deeds at people, actually I'm anonymous as often as I can (one of the reasons I love this site so much.) Those that know me on here surely could imagine how little I actually care for myself. As long as these complete strangers are happy, it's a good thing right? Even if I am a sinner, a screw up, a waste... I still did a good thing? Stopping a suicide or two, just offering to be someone to talk to on a rough day, or even merely saying good morning to everyone I can... Those are good deeds no matter who offers them? But has it been enough? All I've done... I still feel so alone. While asking for a thank you isn't my style, it'd still be nice to be remembered, once? Or have someone stop my suicide, or have someone I could talk to on a rough day; have someone offer me a good morning?

It seems everyone I've ever helped remembers I helped them... But don't want a part of me anymore. As if they've recovered just to move on. As if I fixed their broken legs, just so they could walk away. Don't tell me I've been helping the wrong people; everyone needs help. Sure you can choose bad friends; but upon looking on a crowd of people needing help, with the ability to help every one of them, would you really deny helping one person for a crime they've committed? For a habit they may not even enjoy, but is stuck with them? It seems that once someone is finally back to their "norm" they don't need what brought them back anymore. Like "nature-gods" that stopped being cared for once the people could manage a farm on their own without having to rely on "the spirits" for good rain: whether you believe in that sort of thing or not, it's how I feel. A nameless angel, that helped out where he could, just to get shoved aside after those I helped recovered enough to be able to irrigate their crops, or store their surplus for rough days...

By no means am I a totally perfect 'everyone knows me because I stopped every single suicide...' I don't go out looking for people with a bad life, or creeping around waiting for something really bad to happen to someone just so I can talk to them about it... And I know darn well I've out-right ignored a couple people who probably really needed something, just because I was 'tired' or 'hungry' or 'didn't want to right then.' And probably just typing this stupid post, there are dozens of people I could have run into at the store I could have went to; that all could have used a smile today.

I only believe in bad karma. Do something bad, bad things happen to you. Do something good, good things happen to those you hate. But hating someone is a sin in itself? Another bad thing I do, so more bad things must happen to me. What am I to do? Just stop doing anything? I don't ask for a reward, but it'd be nice to at least have SOMETHING go my way for once? Have SOMETHING to show for the scattered good things I do? Have I not been doing enough? Are those people I don't help all the more important to get help than those I have? Am I helping in the wrong way? Should I just NOT be a friend to those that need it, and soup-kitchen-volunteer my life away instead? Should I do both? Should I devote my entire life to just serving? Would I finally not feel so alone? Would I finally have someone to just say "good morning" "thank you" or "I love you" and mean it from the bottom of their souls? The only one I've ever had in my life that's been on my side has been myself; and even then sometimes I don't even want to be on my side. My "friends" don't even care I'm here still. I try to reach out to them, say "hey" or just ask how things are going, and then... It's as if I never said a word to them, or it just went over their heads, or as if they don't know how to tell me to just get lost. I just feel so alone now. Maybe I should just do what they want...

get lost

I'm going to send you an email, keep your eyes peeled.
But the gist of it is something like:
People don't like or want you unless you can do something for them. Society functions like this. If you are useful people like having you around, if you aren't - or worse, if you're detrimental, they don't want you.
Good people who are genuinely looking out for others will need to learn to give without ever expecting any return.
It's a lonely life, yes, but it's the path you chose. If you think it's worth it, continue, if you don't, then don't continue. Look out for yourself more. Become a user, use other people, feel good about yourself.
But listen to this, there are more people out there than you expect. You've asked for help and that's a good start isn't it? I want to be there to stop your suicide. We want to care. It's harder for us because we can't say it to your face, but it's true, people do care. I want to talk to you, I want to unearth your problems and see if they can't be lightened by sharing a burden.
It's never wrong to help people - and I agree that it's not right to say that you are helping the wrong people, but maybe it's good to start helping yourself too.

I accidentally a word.

*there are more GOOD people

Mister or Miss Saika, whichever it is, please don't stop doing what you do. The world needs more people like you. A person who despite the fact they are just one individual is taking time out of their day to do good, to help better this miserable lump of clay and nature that the human race calls home. That not only takes an enormous amount of time and energy, but it takes courage as well. You aren't just helping others, you're also helping the world at the same time. And that in itself is something to be proud of. Granted it is tough going, granted it can get lonely and granted sometimes it can be unbearable, but you can do it. And the harder the path is, most of the time, it'll lead you in the right direction. Suicide is never an answer. Please do not consider it. You have so much more to offer that if one such as yourself is lost, it would be an utter tragedy. To lose someone with a heart no doubt pure and wanting to genuinely help others is something I can relate to wholeheartedly. And as you must know, there are still so many others out there who could use a person as wonderful as you. People like you give others hope. And in this day and age, that is something priceless. Helping others is important, and I sincerely hope you continue your life as such. I believe in you.