I feel like I have over the last twenty years of life I have experienced enough to drive me to madness, in a manner of speaking. I am on the precipice of snapping and doing things that would lead to my own self distruction. As such, I have turned here for direction and possible advice. For as long as I have been able to remember, I have always been isolated, and alienated. I have sought after what you would call "bonds of friendship" and closeness to others, but each and every time, after a certain amount of time, heck, usually in no time at all, I find myself feeling as if I'm stuck in a box. Or for better description, concrete walls on all four sides, built by everyone else to keep me away. At first naturally one can easily brush it off, but it has occured for as long as I remember. After a while, I begin to doubt myself, wondering if there is something wrong with me. No matter where I go, what I do, how much positive energy I fill my life with, it all returns to that. It's worse in a scenario when you start believing you have the emotional support you require, but then these "friends" or "supports" no longer seem so supportive. Especially when they, instead of coming to your defense, scold and repremind you while the offenders are left free to continue their slew of attacks on you (in more ways than one). Especially when I am looked down on, but no one to support me. If I seize an opportunity to hold myself up, I am looked upon with judgemental eyes, and jeered at by these same people who I believed helped me find a place to end my loneliness.
To share a personal story, when I was a child (about 6) one of my friends was crushed to death by a truck. Scarred me a good 9 or so years, and during that time I was rather reclusive, for fear that the same fate awaited me were I to take too much time on those roads. Therefore, I never really adjusted to the culture of general society. Not even with my own family, can I relate. For as long as I remember, I have been proud being separate, as I found what I observed from the outside world to be in some areas, corrupted and immoral. For example, I grew up for the most part in Jamaica, and they basically teach you that everything can be solved by violence, or submitting to their religion, and if you don't, you will get a violent response. I hated such things.
On me being reclusive, solitude became lonely. Even if it felt safer than submitting to the society I observed on the sidelines. Even so, I tried making friends. And I believed they were good people. I have often found places where I believed I could belong, then it turns out the way I have come to expect it. In that case, my response is usually of callousness and unfeeling, because I feel emotionally drained after enduring the same time after time. I start to feel a little more every time I think I have those "good people", this being yet another time, though, as before, it's begun an almost calculated decline. Everytime it happens, I feel myself again being put back in that place exclusion. I have nothing left in me, without support. Nothing, save for anger and hatred. Anger both at myself for allowing myself to be brought down by such things, and at them for betraying my feelings. Hatred for having to endure this all, and them for leaving me to stand by myself. Though I suppose in the end, it's life. You are born, and die, by yourself. Somehow everything in between seems a meaningless effort and irrelevant. Even me writing all this, feels useless. I could just feel I need someone or something to steer me in the right direction before I arbitrarily do something foolish. I tend to be reckless when I'm feeling empty inside. I normally try my best at everything I can, but lately I've lost all self confidence, motivation, and happiness, more than before. I feel like a lingering spirit, trying to find something to release me. So. If it's not too much trouble, I ask, anyone have any words of inspiration?

I've never been through what you have, so I don't quite know how you feel. But, you can do this. You will pull through. I don't have any word of inspiration, but I'll be your friend if you want :)

Well ofcourse I have plenty words of inspiration. But to re assure you.l, you are doing nothing wrong, and it is your life, so you can gladly do what you need to make yourself happy ( so long as your not harming others). At this point if others want to judge you and look at you harshly, let them, pay no heed to them, because they don't deserve your attention. Just hang in there and don't give up, be yourself and speak your feelings clearly. Those who matter will appreciate your honesty and your ability to be who you are. And yes, you can count on is to be here if you need people to talk to. Just keep trying, and don't give up :) you'll find your true friends, and you'll find your place in the world.