I've been a member of the bbs for about 7 months now i think... and even though it's suppose to have anonymity, i still used a different name and tripcode from that i usually would use here, as i still don't feel entirely comfortable about saying my bit. uvu

For many years, since i was very little, i've always had trouble communicating with people. I often felt like an outcast, because everyone hated me for being different and i was always angry at the world. I remember i had extreme anger issues when i was around about 7-8 years old, i would yell at my class mates in school and argued with teachers, i tried to run and hide from my classes and the people who bullied me.
I'm sure i thought very little of my behaviour being in any way odd at the times but now that i'm a few years older, i think about these things as stupid and i wish i had someone who was there to help me when i was young. I knew that when i was young, i was a very un-happy kid and often wondered if i was depressed but didn't truly understand the meaning of depression. I just pushed the idea away as much as i could, thinking to myself that as a child i was telling myself this to seek attention.

I'm currently 15 years old and i am diagnosed with ADHD and i believe also a low functioning Aspergers, i'm taking prescriptioned medication (Strattera) for my ADHD as told to by my Pediatrician. The last time i spoke to my pediatrician he said that he thought i should really see a counselor, i don't personally understand for what particular reason he sees that makes him think i need to see a counselor, i know me and my mum have told him that i don't sleep well at night and my grades are often horrible and my concentration is usually very bad. Thought still i wonder if these things we told him are what made him think i need counselling? Or if it's something else i said or didn't say.
I know that a previous counselor i have had has asked me if i ever thought i had depression (and if i'd ever thought of self harm etc.) and when she asked me i had said no with out really thinking. Though now i'm worrying that maybe i do have depression? and i still don't want to talk to anyone about the idea of it? i don't know why i should be un-happy though, i have no real reason for it but i just seem to feel lonely? Empty, angry, upset and i feel like i'm going to break down in to tears for no reason at all?
I've honestly had thoughts of self harming before, once my friend pulled a blade out of a sharpener and i lightly scratched a pattern in to my arm as a joke but now i wonder if i should do it again. It didn't hurt at all the first time i did it even though it left a scar for quite a while but i wanted to do it again with hurt. I've thought about dying several times in my life and in my most un-happiest moments i have selfishly told myself that no one would miss me or even care if i died. I've considered i might have several things wrong with me and discarded them as quickly, lately i'm really trying not to though as now everything seems equally just as possible. Especially considering i have another thing that i had disregarded as 'impossible' or 'stupid and highly unlikely'.
I've had this one lump on my leg for i think two, coming on three years, that i never thought much of that could now possibly be osteo fibrous displasia/adamantinoma i think it was a rare bone cancer/disease? i had to get an x-ray at first and then an MRI. When i had to get an MRI i got upset about the needle and snapped at my mum asking "it's not like i'm going to die is it?!" and she looked at me in a way rhat could only terrify me, as well as a long pause before she told me that i could have a bone cancer. The last x-ray i had they told us we had nothing to worry about but to continue to get an x-ray every six months for a few years. So there is still a possibility that if it's not anything now, it could develop in to something later on. They could have taken a sample of my bone to be tested but it's most likely that if it is anything, it could spread up and depending on what it is, in worst case it could even spread up in to my lungs and kill me. In other worst cases, if we continue to watch it without taking a bone sample and it does develop in to something bad, they may need to cut my leg off to prevent it spreading. My six month x-ray is coming up sometime in the next month now and i'm not sure what to expect or think for that either. I think maybe i'm over thinking everything and my mind is just thinking about these small unnecessary details in an over exaggerated way but i've even thought that maybe i also have an eating dis-order or anxiety as well... that and maybe insomnia? (insomnia is more possible than the other as i've talked with my pediatrician about how hard it is to get to sleep at night)
I think eating dis-order the least but still possible, i often think i am over weight/fat and for a couple weeks i have had a very small appetite and when i'm supposed to pack my lunchbox in my bag i usually hide it, or take it with me and don't eat what's in it. I've never really bothered to care or check how much fat or calories is in my food and i don't binge or throw up, or even over-exercise. I have told myself i should get fit and lose weight before but when i try i usually give up because of how weak my body feels. Even doing simple yoga things makes me dizzy, tired and it makes my whole body tremble. I have to try very hard to keep my breathing even while doing it too.


I'm sorry for typing something that may have seemed way too long , unnecessary or just sounds attention seeking or anything..
I just wanted to vent a little, to someone who won't face to face stare me in the eye and force me too seek help, someone less likely to judge me for saying these things i guess?
I'd talk to a friend but i'm not sure i trust them fully or even know how to say this. i;m even afraid that, even though i ask so often, my friends truly hate me.






Thank you to anyone who read through everything, even if you don't have advice or a comment, thank you for reading this...

Well, i can give you advice, as much as you don't want to be pressured to seek help, you realize that venting these problems helped a little correct? So maybe by opening up these feelings to your family members and not keeping it bilt up will help you.
I personally don't think the doctor was wrong about reccommending the counselor, as counseling is way to help pinpoint your troubles, talk about them, and come up with a solution.
What i want you to do, as someone wanting to help you, is don't turn down that doctors reccomendation, and also, say what you told to us, a bunch of strangers, to your family, and tell them you want help with these problems. Again, keeping it all inside is like corking a steam pot, it'll just build and build till the top bursts, so let the steam flow out so you don't bust.
For that lump in your leg, i don't have enough experience or knowledge on the matter to help, all i can advise is to trust your doctor, and if you feel a concern, ask him/her questions. Seek clarification.
Anyways, that's the best for what i can do, and remember that you'll have friends here to help you and listen to what you have to say :) i'm happy to be one of them. Hope this helps you in some way, and i hope your problems are solved soon.

I identify with this on a personal level. My childhood, as I remember it, sounds very much the same. The only real difference I can see is that your parents can afford to take you to a pediatrician. I had to work my problems out by myself. I was never officially diagnosed with anything, but I had serious problems with depression.
My advice is to stay calm and know that you are who you make yourself, no one else really has a say in it. I would still give counseling a shot, because it is dangerous to bottle up. Just don't start out with your life story, letting everything out at once can be just as dangerous.

>>2 Yes, it definitely feels better uvu
I know it would probably help to talk to my family about it...
I just worry about my mum so much even though she is meant to worry about me... My mum always gets stressed out over things that aren't that big of a deal, then when she gets stressed i become even more stressed OTL

But... you are right, i really need to find a way to try and talk with my mum. Also as for counselors... my mum will probably be taking me to this place called Headspace, (which is basically counselors) because she knows how bad i am at talking to some people too and counselors at my school really didn't help me worth a damn and this i know at least, if i need help it won't be with school based counselors. uvu;

Also, i actually really appreciate that you are saying this, despite knowing that i really don't want to talk to counselors as well because people who really want to help seem to be the people who won't baby the said person. So thank you very much.

>>3 I have to say that must have been really difficult and i wish that you had had the chance to have help and support from people, thank you so much for the advice as well. It really makes me feel as though you understand a bit better than some people having had some similar difficulties. I'll try again i guess with counseling, mum wants me to see this place called headspace first. uvu;

Ah, the woes of being a sick teenager. I feel you, on a lesser level of course.
I know how scary it is, contemplating you might have a serious disease. We found a cyst in my brain that was originally mistaken for a small tumor! But I'm one lucky sonofabitch and I'm cancer free. The best advice I can give you for that is to ALWAYS look on the bright side.
I was terrified, knowing I might not live to see my next birthday. It eats you up inside, but you need to keep going. Miracles do happen - I know a lovely lady who managed to overcome both bone and breast cancer and is doing great now. I'm sure you'll be fine. And, on the tiny, minuscule chance you aren't, there will always be people willing to help you out. We're just a few of them.
I was never a depressed person so I can't empathize with you on that, but my mother has been living with depression for some four years now and I get a vague idea of how it is.
Don't let things get you down. Even when you want to do nothing more than sleep and hide away, get up and do something. My mother's psych recommended she find a hobby to take up when she was feeling down, something to take away stress and such. Whenever I'm in a crappy mood, I get up and write for a while until I feel better.
As for counselling, I have to say: go for it! Personally I haven't been to a counselor since I was six or seven (for dealing with my disability, since my parents were concerned about it. Turns out I'm totally fine, but it's always good to take precautions right?), but I'm actually being signed up to do some family counselling soon, since we're a bit... dysfunctional.
Tying in with the problems with your mother, I am going to suggest you take a few sessions together. It's a good way to communicate and sort things out between you if you feel it's necessary.
Also, and I'm assuming you're in Australia too, I have a friend who got help at Headspace and they said it was quite good.
All in all, just keep your head up. And please remember - if you ever need someone to talk to, we're here for you. I wish you the best of luck.