Ehh, I don't know how to go about this but I need help with it. It's well... I like to punish myself, and I guess that's masochism, but it's not sexual in any way.

I have a lot of guilt and a bit of an inferiority complex. I don't quite know how to explain it, but around a year ago this started, a little bit before my mother got a divorce and we moved into the city and my grandmother started living with us. She had a really lonely and hard childhood, so she knows how to cut you deep with her words, and acts like a victim that your abusing any chance she gets. Because of the divorce, my mom was angry all the time and everyone in the house yelled at each other, but I yelled the most and hurt my family a lot and felt like crap for it. But my grandmother knows how to use her tone and words like poisonous fangs sinking into your heart and never let's you forget anything you ever did. she makes me feel lower than dirt and like the worst person on the planet. I recently got my yelling under control, but she still brings it back up and takes every single thing I say personally.

But my grandma is not the problem that needs solving. She is old and set in her ways. The issue is that my mom never gave me consequences for yelling, and nor did my grandma, and my mom kept saying that everything was okay and that I was just learning, so I started punishing myself mentally and physically, and for some reason I get an emotional(NOT sexual you perverts) thrill from it and my stomach flips because I guess I feel like I'm getting what I deserve. It's so messed up, and I don't understand. My heart just twists and it still feels poisonous, but I get some kind of icy-cold happiness from it. And I feel like other people's needs are more important than my own.

I also realize I have self-loathing issues. I sort of delight when I am put in a miserable situations because I feel like it's what I deserve, and I hit and slap and bite myself. And I constantly think every day that I should be abused. And I wish that someone would hit me and say cruel things to me and shove me to the ground with their foot and kick me, and just walk away laughing while I am all bloody. But for some reason, I really like that twisted ice-cold happiness feeling, and being treated like dirt.

But I know overall, this is pointless and gives me no benefit, and I understand I did a lot of blaming on my grandma and mom, and that I took things to the extreme, but I really don't want to suffer like this anymore. It's like my inner goal is to destroy myself.

Please, someone tell me how I can cure this. Help me. My mom cannot afford a therapist, so don't suggest that. And I feel like if I don't do anything about it now, I'll stop fighting it and give in completely. So please help!!!

I've read your thread and i would really like to help you, but it's a delicate situation and i hope that someone else too will answer to your words.
I'll give my opinion on that, then. I see that you are confused, because you said that you kinda like the feeling you receive from self-abusing BUT you want to stop.
Sometimes in life bad things happen, and it's normal. Sometimes it's our fault, sometimes it's not. But you can't blame yourself for everything. You are a human being, a person with feelings and a personality, you can't just ignore them. Sometimes in life you have to be selfish and think about yourself first, think about your happiness. You don't have to be feared about people reactions: nobody shall judge you except yourself. So, my personal advice is: stop worrying. Don't be so hard with yourself. People can make mistakes, but I'm totally sure that you aren't the fault to /each/ of them: it's impossible. It's a good thing to protect the people you love, but you have to stand up for YOUR life first. Your grandma doesn't have the right to make you feel miserable: tell her, if this will make you feel better. Speak aloud about what YOU think, put yourself on the first place: it's not called being egocentric, it's about respecting yourself.
Start to respect yourself, and the others will also respect you. And stop worrying about other people's lifes: they can handle them and you don't have anything to do about theirs mistakes! Make your self-criticism a good opportunity to improve yourself whenever possible: but don't blame yourself for the things you have nothing to do about it.

She just doesnt want you to think its your fault. Just wait for it to kinda pass in about a year she might be over it by then.

>>2

Thank you, that was good advice.:)

>Not in a sexual way

Why not?
If you enjoy pain you should add it into your sex life.
You'll feel loads better.

Get it?
Loads.

Well everyone deals with their problems differently and a problem like this is not all that uncommon
and I have reason to believe this can easily become a habit and the longer you do this is gonna be harder to stop
now ill put this into words sort of like a psychologist would
now self harming actually releases Endorphins these actually make you feel happy
they are release when you eat chocolate or when you exercise ect..
this explains why you feel happy when you do this
the best way would be to replace this.. activity with another one something you enjoy and I recommend an hours walk a day to help make you feel a little happier and lastly talk to someone about your problems and get all this and other stuff off your chest.
this is I know a lot easier said then done but it may help a little bit

I'm hope some of this is at least remotely useful to you
From the Great Summoner Memre of Rune Terra <3

Thanks for the "feedback", I'm glad you found my opinion useful ^^
@Reggie: sex isn't everything. XD