The last time I created a thread it was about trying to better deal with my depression and anxiety to help my poor mother who is a delicate health condition. I failed. Terribly.
Just earlier I broke down with a major migraine. I usually do but this time it was worst. I had come out of school and arrived home two hours earlier because I couldn't take the pain anymore. In the train I managed to get lost because I was extremely dizzy and nauseous. That's something that never happens.
I arrived home and when directly to the restroom where I usually lock myself in. I made sure not to take anything that would lead me to doing something stupid, like a razor or pills, etc. My right eye was tearing like hell. A damn cascade and I couldn't stop it. I told my sister and she responded with harsh "What the fuck do you want me to do?"
I went to my room.turned the lamp to its dim stage and turned on the laptop. I started talking to the girl I love and a very close friend. I didn't tell them what was going on, it would only make things worst. Beside, I went to them so my mind could get distracted from my shaking and heavy breathing.
As usual, a popular blog gets a lot of hate. Usually I could brush it off but in the stage I was I could only sob over them and get pissed.
I couldn't take it anymore. I felt myself almost flip. I even heard my own voice being a bit irritated at MY OWN MOTHER. I didn't mean too. Heck no! I felt like a piece of shit after that. I grabbed my razors... put them away. What if she saw the cuts? I didn't want her to go through that.
Then she did it. Mother asked my if I was okay. I broke down in front of her. I cried and cried and she held me in her arms, which made it even worst. In many of my letters I never gave her, all I asked was for her to ask if I was okay and for her to hold me in her arms. I didn't know what to do. The me that usually denies contact was hugging onto his mother and staining her blouse with tears.
I said my head ache was worst. I didn't want her to know the truth. How could I tell her, "Mommy I want to die." No. That wasn't right, not for her. My father was next to us. Watching television. He didn't care that his child was crying and his wife didn't know what to do. He kept a stern face and watched a movie. "Get some ice, Matt's burning up." She said and instructed my father ten times before he did so. I thanked him anyhow even though he didn't care. Mother doesn't like it when I'm disrespectful to him. So she out the ice on my head. "Are you over thinking something?" This was the second time in my entire life she's asked that. I shook my head no. "Matt just can't take school and growing up." He was partially correct. "His sisters ad brother could do it tho." Of course, always making me feel worst.
They then started talking about getting x-rays done and interrogations by professionals...
I told my close friend through a text that the situation but I didn't add any details. I know she's breaking down right now. But it would have been worst to let her think I was just ignoring her texts. I told the girl I love that I loved her. Damn, I felt like I was saying goodbye forever.
But my friend, she said not to go all "mad hatter" like I sometimes do.. .
I thought I did a better job at hiding my mania...
Now, the whole world must think I'm crazy.
I tend to get lost. Lose myself. Just now as I wrote this I forgot who was and what I was doing twice... why can't I just end it? No, it wouldn't be fair to them.

... damn respect

You can do it. I know you can. You can get through this. You have a wonderful mother to support you.

And I don't think you're crazy.

From the little information you've given, I know that you're a person who deserves my respect.

You'll make it through all of this.

Thank you both, really. I'm trying my best to fight through.

Yo Matt if you need to talk to someone email me at Mattmyers97@gmail.com

That'd be great, Ice. Sorry, is there something you'd like me to address you by or is Ice just okay?
Anywho, I'll write to you when I find the time.

If you feel like talking Matt, email me at Kuronekodollars@gmail.com.