Alright, I'm coming clean. As much as I can. I'm 14 going on 15, and clinically depressed. I'm also suicidal. JSYK, if you don't like depressing threads, I suggest you stop reading. Anywho.... For a while now, I've been hurting myself. About a year ago though, despite simple thoughts of suicide only, I actually took action. My mother hates me, and so does everybody at school. My step father is distant, and my 'family' is a hell hole from the darkest parts of space. My heart is a freaking black hole. I wake up and fall asleep to head aches and stomach aches. I have anxiety attacks about once a week, and I'm socially anxious. I'm kinda anti social too. I don't like talking to people. I feel like it's pointless because they're just going to abandon me like my father did...... I have friends, but they also have friends. I'm originally from North Carolina, but moved to California a few years ago. I don't truly know anybody here. Any friends that I have also have other friends they've known since elementary school, and I'm just intruding. The truth is, I'm ready to quit. Last week, I called my only true friend, sobbing, and told her I was done. She walked me through a suicide attempt, and made me rethink. However, when scratching myself, I actually used scissors instead of my nails. I normally use my nails so my parents won't notice, but I just snatched up a pair of scissors and ran them along my left arm. This girl that has helped me through multiple previous suicide attempts is still distant from me. She has others that hate me and just push me away to keep her to themselves. I'm lonely and just ready to quit.
The people who know, which are very few, have all asked me, "Why do you scratch yourself?" Well, I think it's a coping method. I truly don't know, and I'm kinda scared to find out. I'm afraid of all this. I'm just a giant fucking chicken. A burdening chicken. And I'm fucking useless. If somebody told me to go die right now, I probably would do it. I really just might. Anyway, the scratching. I do it because when I start to hurt so much that I wanna die, the pain turns to numbness. And to be honest, the numbness is terrifying. It's much more terrifying than the pain, so I hurt myself to go back to the pain, since it's less terrifying than the numbness. I have marks all over my left arm. I already see a therapist, and she knows I hurt myself. But she doesn't know that I'm suicidal. I'm not sure if I should tell her. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, or what I hope to get out of it. I suppose I just want to get my story out there. I also poetry, just a P.S. So, any, um, thoughts? Questions? Opinions?

I could barrage you with so many different quotes and metaphors about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or no matter how bad you think you have it somebody else out there has it worse than you do. Or even strike you with a link relating to the hurting yourself thing... The Butterfly Project - http://dollars-bbs.org/missions/res/1330569495.html
But hey we're all aware and subjected to the pain of our own faults, failures, and fallacies. There'll always be somebody to at least listen. Atm im all ears.
P.s. "I also poetry" Are you trying to say you like and/or write poetry? lol If you do write, lets hear it? :p

Hey, Don't give up. Don't give in. Life is the most important gift out there! You can't just let yourself lose! Once you get out of this bad place you're in, it will get better. Just have faith in God (or whatever your religion is around) and yourself. I know that this will probably be lost among the hundreds of other messages like this that will come your way, but I just had to say something. I'm sure you are a wonderful person... And about your therapist- I think you should tell her. That's just my opinion though. It might help. I have a friend who hurts herself like that and it hurts me everyday to think about it... You can't give up! Take care. :)

o.k. fuck your mom, fuck your dad, fuck your stepdad, fuck all the people you know. I failed school, my mom hates me, my dad is disapointed in me and i'm literaly loosing mine, but i'm still around. you haven't given up or quit, if you did you wouldn't have put this up here. I will give you one piece of advice: pot helps, a job helps, tv even helps if your anti-social. i mean god you live in california. just tell your family to fuck themselves and stop caring about them and only care about your self, its not selfish it peace. love tazmonn. :)

you're not intruding friendships by trying to join a group of friends. If anything, you're adding to it by bringing new ideas and opportunities to that group. If the friends friends are pushing you away, tell your friend that and have your friend sort it out. Don't worry about your parents and step dad. They're just 3 people within the whole world. As for the scratching yourself, I suggest the butterfly project(link in >>2). None of your friends no matter how close or distant want to see you hurt yourself like that. I would suggest telling your therapist about the suicidal thoughts because he/she can help or direct you to something that can help. Don't be afraid to talk to the therapist about anything. Just as a side note, it's ok to be selfish sometimes. It's ok to put yourself in front of others once in a while. Just don't give up because there are people who care. If you feel adventurous enough, try joining a club and meeting some new people.

I may have given up on the world, but I will never give up on myself...I want things to be better, and I'm working on it. I don't give a damn of what other people think about me, as long as they don't take any chances onto me. I am who I am...

*Being suicidal is not a medicine nor a way out of every problem...

Well as our mates already said, being selfish at times isn't bad ... I mean think about it, which Human isn't selfish? .__. Tell the therapist about you being suicidal too ... I bet It'll help, and I know you aren't social ... But it will really help you to talk to someone... I'm all ears(I'll probably not see if we chat here ... FB- Ign Watermalown Skype name- minata_1992 and no im 15..)! and ... No one, and by no one, I mean NO ONE is useless, if every person were like that ... and actually kill themselfs we wouldn't be here ... Everybody is useful in one or another way... Even thought there are people who can't realize how useful a person is, that doesn't mean you are useless ... It mean that the person who can't realize that shouldn't talk shit to you like "you are usless", "you don't deserve to live" I hate such people.. But then again ... I'll give you this! You are in the Dollars, there is no way you are useless... That's what the Dollars are about, right ? Help others and change the world to a better place... But then again, before helping someone else we should help ourselfs! ^^ (NOTE: Possibility of bullshit talks is over 120%) and you shouldn't try to kill your self asking why ? check the picture :3 I bet you know it

I know I haven't responded yet, and I hope this goes through. There are parental controls on my computer thanx to to my fuckwad parents, and because it mentions suicide on this page, it usually doesn't load. Though sometimes I just manage to get past the P.C. >8 I love that quote.
>>7 You're right. I normally never give a fuck wat otherz say, but I'm just really unraveling a lot lately.
I'm lonely. There. I said it. LONELY. That's a giant part of my problem. I hope I get to view more of your comments on the thread later today. I'm glad I posted on here. I really need the support you all give me. If I can slip past the P.C. later, I'd really like to read more. THanx so much guyz and girlz

Hello insane, if you feel like talking, email me at Kuronekodollars@gmail.com. I will help in all ways I can.

The world isn't as bad as you might think we the dollars are here for you making the world one piece better one day at a time.

>>9 If you're lonely then you should go on the chatroom here! I'm sure that if you talk to some people there then you can make a lot of friends! If that doesn't help then just wait a little because every second that passes means the closer that you meet someone cool! Who knows? You might just fall in love soon! I hope I helped.

That's ironic because I was talking to my friend today about how lonely I feel. I think what I need is a girlfriend. And yes, I'm a girl. Being gay, it's hard for me to find somebody. I feel devoid of friends, so maybe I need somebody more than a friend. I need a girlfriend. I suppose I'll try the chat rooms next time I feel I have time. My 'parents' won't stop making me go on walks.
I had another episode and scratched myself today.