I am 19 years old, turning 20 this autumn. Anyway, I though that since this is all anonymous I could just tell you everything without compromising my whole social life.

I have really never had a father figure in my life. My parents divorced when I was around seven years old; it never bothered me though. I might not have understood why or anything, but I could accept it. I traveled to the Philippines about one or two years later, where me and my younger brother had been real assholes, disrespecting just about everyone. My father hit us like two to three or four times.
When we got home I was taken away from my father, not to see him at all until I was 12. Meanwhile my mother had found herself a new guy who naturally replaced my dad in these younger years. It wasn't until later that we found out about his addiction to alcohol. For five years he stayed married to my mom, and through three of those years we struggled with his addiction. He got lots and lots of help and support. Even rehab couldn't fix this. They divorced. I forgot to mention that they had a child, my youngest belter who is currently nine, so ten years younger than I.
He(mom's ex, let's call him David) really messed me up. Due to him I have very strong opinions against alcohol and things like that. And when I drink I am scared as shit to become an alcoholic in the future myself.

Growing up with just a mom and a couple of brothers made me a bit girly. I have missed out on all the things you get from being around another man your whole life. People often mistake me for being gay, though I don't see anything wrong about intergender relationships. My best friend is gay, however I am set on girls and girls only.

Growing up I've been very popular at times, I have many different sides of me which makes me an easy fit in most occasions. I am a bit awkward though.
When I started the gymnasium(it's a type of secondary school that prepares you for higher education) I was at the peak of my life, I was very well-liked and met a bunch of different girls. At this point even the thought of someone I cared about drinking would give me panic attacks. I only get these type of panic attacks when it's someone I care about, currently I am pretty much ok with alcohol in smaller quantities and am really scared/panics about weed, which has become "normal" among most of my friends.

However, since freshman year I have been on my way down, and currently I am alone moat of the time, in desperate need of a psychiatrist, I destroy most of my close relations(I act like an ass towards people I should praise, and I have no idea why), I have recently discovered that I have a lot of surpressed anger inside, which I don't know how to get rid off. I hate being like this, because I really am a nice guy, people generally like me, but lately things have gotten to big for me to handle, and it leaves me not knowing where to turn.

I need help, and I need somebody to talk to. I haven't had a girlfriend since late August, and I desire a girl living across the country(though it's not that far, I have had several girlfriends over there) and she's currently staying in a clinic because of her eating disorder. We've met several times before, and we used to "date", if you will. She was my brightness for a time there. We stopped talking for a while and been very off and on, we've talked for some time and then she has "disappeared" again. We are currently speaking daily and planning to see each other soon.

I feel like I have so much to say but I don't know what to put down. I am just really insecure in myself.

I would like to know what you have to say about all of this. I might've left something out because the lack of importance, but this is the main things I guess.

@ Arya

With "gay" I mean I am not the stereotypical man, I differ very much from your typical man. I fit in more in a gay community I would say, but that's just me, haha.

It's not that easy to "just get a girlfriend". I realize now that there are some holes in my story. But uhm, since I am not very happy with myself, I do not think that anyone else would be, either.

I am weird.

Imma tell you something that happend to me recently.

I met a friend of mine, who happens to be a girl. She invited me to sleep at her place(which is another word for "let's have sex" in common tongue). I go to her the coming friday and find myself around all of her friends who stayed until late, I found myself getting mixed signals, why would she invite me over and then bring all of her friends without telling me?

However, when we finally got to be alone we turned on some random movie and went to bed. We had sex(it was grate, my fellow brethren) and afterwards I told her something along the lines of "I am sick of having one nights, and I would really like for this to be something more" whereas she told me that she was still not over her ex(which it turned out she had dumped to have sex with her other ex who she misses a lot but who does not miss her at all). However this girl made me feel happy, since I had lost almost all hope about getting together with a girl. It's just how I react to things I go without for a time; I feel like I will never do it/meet someone/etc again. I am also very naïve, so it's no wonder I made this such a big deal. The day after I felt like shit, and I was really down on the busride home. I had a small panic attack and I hated everything about that day.
I do not understand why she would invite me over if she didn't want anything? Uh, I hate people.

Oh, I understand now.
Girls are like that so troublesome.

Well maybe she didnt want to have sex? Girls are so complicated I cant understand them even tough Im a girl.

Without telling you? Wow she is strange.

Sounds like a rough situation...

I can relate to you though in the opposite situation though. I grew up without a mom, which in turn makes me very very boyish... I won't bore you with details, but it gets me in conflict with my stepmom who is so very girl-like. We hardly talk at all.

Panic attacks are really scary... I get slight ones talking to authority figures where I freeze up and stop breathing. Are you seeing a psychologist or anything? If you really are concerned, it might be a good idea.

It takes time to find the right relationship though, which doesn't make anything easier... There is nothing wrong with you though. That I think is the biggest thing that stuck out to me... Don't get it in you're head that there is something wrong with you.

And I agree with Arya... Girls are complicated and difficult to understand... :/