Background: Okay. So my mom says some crazy shit and I wanted to share because she's awesome and makes me laugh a lot and I was hoping quoting her would have you bust a gut too.

NOW, READ RULES BELOW.
Rules: These have to be quotes from your parents or legal guardians. Uncles and Aunties not allowed (cuz everybody knows they can be crazy).
THIS IS NOT A DEPRESSING THREAD, meaning IF YOU WANT TO POST SOMETHING MEAN YOU'RE MOMMY OR DADDY SAID TO YOU...

NOT.

HERE.

This is strictly for laughter invoking quotes from the crazy old folks who've raised us. I don't want to see anyone posting something like "my dad said I'm ugly again, boohoo" or I will chew your ass out.
It's not that I don't care. You would simply be posting in THE WRONG PLACE.

Example:
I just received this email from my mother venting about the field trip she's taking her first graders..

" I'd like to just stand on the rooftop of the kindy building and yell towards the mountains in the distance...

Why the FUCK are we going on a field trip to "Butterfly Park" in the DEAD of fucking WINTER ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

WHO THE FUCK KEEPS PULLING THIS DUMB SHIT OUT OF THEIR ASSHOLES, ANYWAY?

Who gives a rat's ass about butterflies when it's 20 frickin' degrees outside?! What, will they keep me warm if I burn enough of 'em?"


Another example:(warning for racist comment, but we're black, so it don't really matter)
I like to play hip hop music and dance in the mornings.. problem is, I wake up at 4...

She comes in, bed hair and all and shouts:

"Really, Maggie?? We gotta do the jungle-bunny hop at 5 in the fucking morning?? Really!? Can't let your poor Ma get some sleep??" *shuffles off into bedroom* "Nigglets these days.."

One last one, then I'm outtie for the night...

(Talking about an event she will be attending)
"There will be drawings for nice prizes, but I'm never gonna get anything good. If they give away a barrel of pickled snakes' heads, I might win that. "

- My Mom

Aw, I liked the other name better, oh well.

Anyway, my mom likes to bark at our dogs (we have two pit-bull/besenji mixes we got from a shelter, they're sisters). She also talks to them like they understand and will give them their own voices in her conversations with them. The other night Scamper keeps barking and she shouts down the stairs, "Inu! Your sister better not be tattling on you! I better not find anything torn up down there!"

When she goes down and finds Inu curled up on the couch asleep she feels the need to spend several minutes apologizing to said dog for accusing her of chewing on things. Inu looks at her like "Dafuq? I'm trying to sleep here" then she wags her tail because she likes the attention.

While we were driving back from a college visit today we stopped at a starbucks. I gave my dad the card I have and told him what I wanted and went to the bathroom. A few minutes later, my mom starts yelling at me through the door asking me whether I want that hot or cold. Because the snow coming down from the sky wasn't a clue. Nope, I want an ice cold drink to go with my ice cold day.

>>4 I liked the other title too to be honest. I was just afraid that peeps were only going to restrict themselves to their mothers if I did.

("Nope, I want an ice cold drink to go with my ice cold day." Rofl!! XD)

My brother had class in the evening on my birthday. I wanted to wait for him to get home before opening my presents, my mom puts the stack next to me and says "tell me when you're ready to open them." Later, after he gets home, she tells him "Anu wanted to wait until her big strong brother to get home before she opened her presents" (cue Aeterna looking flattered) "But we just go you instead."

Also today (before getting yelled at while in the Starbucks bathroom) "You're not allowed to get recruited by the CIA. I don't want you getting shot at." And, after calling her cute to pacify her giddiness "I get it from you." "Mom, that's not how heredity works." "Really? Can't we make it work that way?" "No." "We should, think about if you got your cuteness from your kids, most kids are really cute." Then I call a house cute, "Did you just put me in the same category as a house? Michael, she just compared me in and a house!"

Is the title of this thread referencing the book "Shit My Dad Says"? If so... I saw that.

My father always told me "Schools for fools, look at me!" every time I said I was leaving to school back in the day. That's really all I got.

My mom lol:-
"Yeah , like watching your stupid anime is gonna change your Bs into As "

>>8 my mother said that to me, and my grades went from C to A lol

Remembering middle school when I told my mom the price of the colleges I was interested in.

Mom: "I don't know what you're talking about. There are plenty of really good colleges that only cost a couple thousand of dollars a year."

I lol'd. Because even community colleges cost more than that if you're getting any decent degree.

After I showed my mom the gangnam style music video...
Mom: "What's this song called? It sounds like he's saying 'open condom style'."
I was laughing my ass off for an entire week after that! xD

My dad is such a racist, so sorry to all black people.

Me:..."So me and Sharde"
Dad:"Is she black?YOU WAT UP SHA-DAY"
Me:"Dad...yes shes black but-
Dad"YOU 'SUP!?!?"
Me:"Dad..."

Sigh.... Also, whenever you say the colors "Black" or "White" he yells "MAN WHY IT GOTTA BE WHITE HUH?!?!"

" Meh! You're probably gonna grow a second head, or turn into a cabbage, or somethin'. Nothing that lucky EVER happens to anyone in my lineage. "

- My Mom

Dad:
" They told me I need glasses, I told them I cant read."
" I'm dumb remember, duhhh, go learn it your self."
" Keep your napkin, in case of a identify thief"

...
meanings.
1) Don't make others say what you need, you tell them what you don't need
2) don't ask others...learn your self...
3) Be careful what you create, because someone will try to take it and use it for them self.

" This is my daughter. Can you believe she's only 13^^"
" -_-; I'm actually 15, I'll be 16 in ma-"
" NOOO!!~ your 13. 13!!! My whittle baby girl!! DON'T GROW UP!!!! MY BABY!!!!~"
" D:<...0\\\e..."

My mom had this little freak while introducing me to his business partner! He was laughing his ass off! XD

Bump

"That is Sofa-King-ridiculous!!!"

-My dad

lol this happened when i was 6 and i lost my dog!
"mom?"
"yes?"
"where is skippy i cant find him any where"
"well im sorry to say this but skippy ran away"
"what?"
"well im not sure if he ran away or not. skippy is a chiwawa. so i think some mexicans stole him"
"0_0..... QAQ WHAT!?!?!?!"
I WAS CRYING MY EYES OUT AFTER THAT XDDD

Bump

>At a restuarant

>Dad says "And this one is 12" while pointing to me. "By the way, what is the age to be an adult here?" He asks (Adults are expensive FYI)

>Waitress says "12"

>Dad:"ACTUALLY this guy over here is 11!"

>Me: "No I'm not."

>Dad: "SHHHHH YOU'RE 11 RIGHT NOW BOI!"

Me: Well... I'll just take that long walk off a short pier now..

Mom: Remember to carry your concrete block with you.

Me:*mutters under breath*....bitch.(she has bad hearing so I thought I could gettaway with it)

Mom: WHAT J'YOU SAY??? BITCH SAID WHAT??

Me: NOTHING MAMA!! 0__0

Apparently, when my mom was delivering me in the hospital, she had a little spit with the doctor. He told her there would be a 'little pressure'.

Once I was born and all, she spoke with him and told him, "Next time you go to tell a woman there's going to be a little pressure, I suggest you go home and shit a watermelon."

I think that this has been the best quote yet.. >>23

Bump

there was this one time i went home feeling a bit blue and that's a bit rare so my neighbor (kinda like a guardian to me)spoke to me and said "ey' why like shit? It's alright, at least you're not jewish." heh, kinda racist and i just found out he used to teach history :P

bumpin

Can I do quotes from a friends parent?Thats almost like my dad.

Me and friend:Can we go to the gas station?
FriendsDad: Yeah,sure
Us:Okay,see you in a few.
HerDad:DONT BE BUYING ANY OF THAT K9 SHIT WHILE YOU'RE THERE!
Us:....you mean k2?
herdad......Oh....uh....yeah....

(Riding in car)
Mom:yi yo yong yea. Yu yong ya yio ye.
Me: o_O
Mom: Yor yung yo ye yo yee yi yoa~
Me: Mom, what are you doing...
Mom: Oh, singing that Japanese music that you always listen to.
Me:O-oh...okay

My grandma ask:
granny: When is your periodical exam?
me: I don't know
Then the other day..
granny: When is your periodical exam?
(That time I answered.)
me: On 11-18-12 (I don't remember the date)
granny: ok
Then the other day:
granny: When is your periodical exam?
me: I just told you, before.
granny: I don't remember.
(Then me, I answered again the same answer)
And again...
Granny: ok
THE NEXT DAY:
granny: When is your periodical exam?
me: *facepalm*

She's always like that repeating the same questions over and over. Sometimes I am annoyed because of that.
Maybe it is from her age -sigh- ("=^=)

bump

>>29 XDDDDDD That sounds like MY mom. XDDD

My mom:
*answers telemarketer call* "You wouldn't call a poor dying woman, would you?" After that, she then told them to, and I quote, "buggeroffyoulittle$h!theadsyoucalledthewrongfu#k!ngperson"

My mom:
*answers telemarketer call* "You wouldn't call a poor dying woman, would you?" After that, she then told them to, and I quote, "buggeroffyoulittle$h!theadsyoucalledthewrongfu#k!ngperson"

Me: "I had this really weird and creepy dream last night where there was this noose, and my Jewish friend was there..."
Mom: "I knew you were a reincarnation of Hitler."

>>35 0__0 That's hilarious. Your Mom's a bit scary tho~

I've lived on my own for a few years, but I can recall a few older tales of my youth.
When Mormons came to the door, as they often would, they would ask if there was anything they could help us with (this seems to be standard practice with these types of groups), my father would respond with things like, "yeah there is something I need done, I've been pretty busy lately, could you mow my lawn?"
Every time he gave them a chore, they would do it. Then he would bring out some lemonade for them, they'd talk religion (he took religion studies back in college), in the end he said he didn't want to convert, and he would send them on their way.

>>36 I know. I love her, though. xD

---

My mom was trying to use internet memes today. Too bad she doesn't know how to use the internet...


"What if one day, I offered to pack your lunch? Then you would open it just to find a pink-haired troll doll looking up at you? I would troll you. It would be an epic troll. Then you would probably cry. Oh, my god, I'm hilarious."


To explain, when I was little, I used to be terrified of those troll dolls with the colorful hair. My mom had an old collection of the damned things, too. It was so bad that if one of those were close to me, I'd run away screaming and crying.

They still creep the fuck out of me, too.

While my parent's aren't as funny as you guys, but my step-mum has a bad habit of telling dirty jokes whenever I'm around, my mum calls me a "Derpy derp" and my dad assumes everything I say is dirty, anime related, or both.

bump

My mom randomly just said, "I know why Britain left Canada alone. Canada told Britain to 'leaf me alone'".

"I want an Alpaca." said my mom, "They go Maaaaaa!"

once my grandma said, "if you love spagetti so much, why don't you just marry an italian person?"
i mean, racist much?

me: *cough cough* im sick
my parents: who've you been kissing?
me: *still a lip virgin* -_-

Mom-"make sure you lock the door 'cause our new neighbors are black people"
Me-*does spit take "Whhaaat?!"
That's how I found out my mom was racist.

One time my dad was in his room doing math.
Me: what are you doing?
dad: Math.
Me: whyyyy~
dad: for fun.

Who the hell does math for fun? Apparently my dad.

Some thing my mom did on my 13th birthday was order a HUGE custom banner with my face on it saying "SHE's MY TEEN!!" and put it in the front entrance where everybody could see it.

My dad once used the expression, "Pissed as a fart." No joke.

My mom said something along the lines of "play T.V. and watch video games," and I was like, 'Mom, I don't play T.V. Nobody sits down and pretends they are a television,' lol. One time (I think she was drunk, but she doesn't have problems with that, or anything.) she was joking around about my sister's boyfriend, and my sister was calling him a "stabbing pain," because he ate a worm and it pissed her off. But then my mom said something like, "*Calvin Hooks (substituted for his name), a stabbing PLEASURE!.." and it sounded so perverted when she said it! I cannot forget how much I cracked up, to this day. XD
Also, my brother-in-law's father (who I guess is kind of like my father-in-law..?) once said something like "This isn't a matter of why, but WHAT." My bro replied: "What?.." and he replied, "Exactly!" Also, one time (I wasn't there), he found pornography in the history on his computer. My brother told me he opened up the video, and he said "LOOK AT THAT! LOOK AT THAT!" then, "... Wait, DON'T LOOK AT THAT!.." I almost wish I could have been in this situation... I don't think I could have contained my laughter! Those are the best lines I can think of right now... Maybe I'll think of more later.

My teacher served alcohol yesterday at school (yes to underage kids), but he was approved. And I'm sure it was distilled liquor mixed with coke. I told my dad after school that I had alcohol and he said, "Rit-chan you're lying. There are some other things that smell and taste like alcohol, but aren't alcohol." And I was like, "Really? What other things smell and taste exactly like alcohol?!"

My says "War Gears" instead of Gears of War.

"I'm sorry to break it to you, honey. But the ____ family has a horrible history with men; I got an angry bipolar douche, your aunt got an old nose hairy man who is older than her by 12 years, and well your others aunt is dead with her husband...maybe you'll be better off with a woman or yourself." - My dearest mother.

Parents said twice in a row 'lawning the mow' instead of 'mowing the lawn'. XD

*some dude on a motorcycle drives by looking like a badass*
Dad: He makes me wet. *in a serious tone*
Sister: I know right.
Most awkward moment with my dad ever o_o

(some random day)
"Mom I feel sick"
"oh sweetie I'll make you some cream of wheat"
"but I hate cream of wheat can I have oatmeal"
"I know you don't like it but the thing is I do"
" - -"
_

My mother says taking out the trash isn't a chore. = =;

>>58 It isn't.

>>59 Gasp! The TV lies! DX

HOLY S! I've missed a lot of these!!!

And this ---> >>56 OMG...

Dad: Sweetie, go to your car and get my bag, I left it in there.

Me: Okay, I'm kinda in the middle of something, can you get it?

Dad: Naw, Daddy's getting old, my body can't handle things like it used to.

Me. You're 40...

Friend: *watching a movie where this guy's soul is accidentally placed in a woman's body* HOW?

Friend's Mom: It happens.

Friend/Me: O-o

My mom was drunk the other night and was asking my sister's boyfriend when his parents (who live out-of-state) were coming to visit. She kept saying it over and over and it kept sounding like she was saying "When are you pants coming?".

And then she kept trying to put peaches in my hoodie pocket to take to my sister's like that was such a logical thing to do.

Me & Bff: *chatting nonstop after asking my mother a question, since we hadn't seen eachother in forever and a day*

Mom: (insert random story from a mom here)

Us: *not listening to her story, at all*

Mom: ...And then he fucked a monkey.

Us: *stops,* WHAT???

Mom: *laughing her ass off*

Us: .... *poker face* ...Wuht...?

>>66 LOL dude ii can't stop laughing

>>66 My mom does that to me all the time.

Me: *not listening*

Mom: And then I spread my wings and flew off the bus.

Me: Wait, what??

My dad does that waayy to often.

Me: *watching Sailor Moon*

Dad: *random story of childhood8

Me: *pretends to listen*

Dad: And that's why you never lick a space aliens toe.

me: Good to kn- WAIT WUT JUST WUT ma[dhu[oasdgh['BC[ eue

Wait! I can top that!!!

Mom: *talking about her day*

Me: *listening at first but then drifted off*

Mom: But of course you're not listening to any of this off in your own little world inhabited by talking squirrels.

Me: Huh? Wait, what squirrels??

Hehe!

Mom: *Talking about her day while we playing a game*
Me: *Pretend to listen to when I'm listening to music*
mom: *Keeps talking*
Music: I wanna be the very best...
Mom: And you won't believe what I saw then a freaking...
me: POKÉMON! GOTTA CATCH THEM AALL!!!
Mom: How did you know that!?
me: huh?
mom:I'm done!
Me:what did I do!?
music: Oppa gamnam style! *Drifting of again*
mom: SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU'RE A DUDE! DON'T FUCKING SAY 'OPPA'!!!
me: HOWLY SHIT FROM HAVEN!!!!

Scene (Mom is helping cousin with english homework in 2nd grade)

Mom: "Why don't you write the boy nibbled on his nuts"

Me:"What was that?"

Brother:"Did you just say he nibbled nuts?"

Dad:"Just repeat it"

Mom:"The boy nibbled on his nuts"

Absolute silence as sentence meaning sinks in ................................................................................................................................................................
Mom:"Maybe not"

bursts of laughter

THIS LITTERALY JUST MADE MY DAY!!!

>>73 Good to hear. :)

[11:07:26 PM] Mom: Remember that Greek palace at the amusement park in Beijing? Happy Valley?

[11:07:45 PM] Me: ...How pissed will you be if I say I don't remember?

[11:08:06 PM] Me: That entire day is a bit of a blur. I've only got the highlighted parts stuck in my head

[11:08:18 PM] Me: I think it's cuz of the culture shocks

[11:08:23 PM] Mom: Not at all. It was just a big room with a 3-story statue of fuckin' Zeus, that's all!

[11:08:36 PM] Me: OH!!!! LMAO! THAT ONE!

[11:9:42 PM] Mom: Like you see that shit every day, right? NO, you don't have to remember it...

(We have a tradition about making a wish at 11:11 and we had missed it)
[11:12:26 PM] Me: Awww we missed 11:11

[11:12:37 PM] Mom: And, btw, you took 200 pics of the European dancers right outside of that place!

[11:12:54 PM] Mom: Awww, make a wish anyway... just make it small. LOL!

[11:13:38 PM] Me: Pffff... Immediately I thought one word: "lotto".

[11:13:44 PM] Me: And I'm like, "no dammit! SMALLER!"

[11:14:04 PM] Mom: well, the tickets ARE kinda small...


(Haven't seen her in over a year; we plan to meet in Thailand)

[11:18:19 PM] Mom: I can't wait 'til we're together again.

[11:18:25 PM] Mom:

[11:20:10 PM] Me: Yeah! Fighting off the rabid dogs and drugged out prostitutes and scammers!

[11:20:14 PM] Me:

[11:21:05 PM] Mom: Yeah, we'll be a Dynamic Duo of sorts.

[11:21:37 PM] Mom: Seriously, though. I could *so* do with rabid street dogs in my life!

Me: *eating beef stew and playing FATE on the computer*

Mom: Honeeeeeeyyyy!

Me: What?

Mom: I need your phone! Mine just died!

Me: Really? Hang on, I'm in the middle of a boss battle!!

Mom: But I neeeeeeed iiiiiit!!

Me: MOTHER, YOU CAN WAIT!! I NEED TO LEVEL UP AND USE THE ICY SWORD OF GRIEVING TO ESCORT THIS MANTOID SOLDIER!!

Mom:..... I DID MY WAITING.

Me: No.

Mom: 10 YEARS OF IT!!

Me: Mom.

Mom: IN AZKABAN!!!

Me:.......I'll be right there.

^

>>79 I just read this. OMG that's an awesome Mom you've got! X''D

One time my mom woke me up at 5 AM on a day I got to sleep in until 8 to tell me she bought me watermelon.

"I didn't wake you up because you were sleeping". >.<

>>82 That's my Dad. I think he's actually done that before.

^

Oh! I have one more!

Me: *playing Portal 2*

Dad: Honey! Could you come here for a second? I need to tell you something!

Me: Hang on. I have to finish this...

Dad: Why can't you now?

Me: Hang oooon! Lemme pause it...

Dad: Lawliiii!

Me: FATHER, I KNOW I WAS ADOPTED!!

Dad:....Who told you?

Me: WHAT?! *pauses game and runs to Dad's Room* WHAT?!!

Dad: See how easy that was? I'm just joking. We're getting a puppy this afternoon! :D

Me: Ò~ó......

>>86 Hahahaha

Hmm... here's one, though it might not be all that funny for some of you.

*Me and two friends playing PES*
Dad: Hey, can I join? Then you'll have four people for a tournament!

Me: Uuuh... Guys?

Friend 1: Eeh... it wouldn't hurt I guess.

Friend 2: Meh. Sure. Why not?

Me: *nods*

Dad: Hmm... but what should we name the tourney?

Me: Excuse me?

Dad: Every good tournament has a name, right?

Friend 1: You mean like the Premier league and La Liga?

Dad: Yes, Just like that.

Friend 2: Then what do we call it?

Dad: Uuh... "Al Mubaarathul soccer"?

Mum: Are you an Arab? Isn't that like... offensive?

Dad: No, of course it's not. We might even get sponsored by Emirates :D

Me: Oh god why?

Me: -trying to cook eggs-

Mom: Next time you need to wear those safety goggles your father has so the oil doesn't jump into your eyes.

Dad: Yeah, and she should wear a hardhat and vest too

Mom: No, just safety goggles and a long sleeved-

Me: I should just place a thick glass window in front of me while I'm cooking too

Mom: No, I'm just saying-

Dad: And don't forget about the paramedics on stand by.

Mom: YOU'LL NEED THE PARAMEDICS IN A LITTLE BIT IF YOU DON'T LET ME FINISH!

Dad: ...Is it that time of the month again?

The fuck kind of eggs do you make that require you to use enough oil that it can bounce out of the pan?

Two quotes to live by, courtesy of my father.

"Crap smells like crap no matter who craps it."

"You can choose to be unwise, but that would be very unwise."

So my sister has this group project. The project is to build a model of a castle. My dad doesnt like this teacher.

Sister: we need a name for this castle...

Dad: already thought of one. Spent all last night thinking of a backstory as well!

Sister: what is it?

Dad: ephue(pronounced like F.U.). Every Parent Has Unusual Expectations.

Me: that's horrable!

Mom and sister: yes!

Dad: it's perfect. Mr.smith(the teacher) is the king of ephue. The servents eventually get tired of his rule, organize a rebellion, stone him to death and condem him to hell!

Okay, so not a mom and pop story but I think it's pretty damn funny. My neighbors arent racist but they say some funny crap sometimes. So my friend who happens to be black was diving down the street...

Me: *waves*
Dad: is that your little buddy?
Me: Yea :D

My friend turns the corner

Neighbor (who is also black like me) : Hey boy!!!
Friend: turns head
Neighbor: Did you steal that bike boy!?
Friend: *lol face*
Me: did he really just say that ?
Dad: *laughing* Holy crap hi did!
Me: you know, if he wasn't black that comment would make him sound racist
Dad: ........*lol face* I know

ok so me and my mom were driveing by some feilds and there was a feild with a bunch of sheep huddled in the corner of the feild and a lama sitting not far off and me having been spit on by one not long ago she starts cracking jokes about it

mom: hey Reila you know what he is saying to you
me: umm...no?
mom (high piched voice): Ohh Reiiiillllaaaaa..... come here Reiiilaaa ....... I want tooo seeee yoooouuu .....I SPIT ON YOU!!! PUH-WAA!!!

So my mom was walking out in the driveway in sandals and it was sort of wet today...

Mom: (points) Eyah! There's a dead snail there! Look!

Me: Hm? Yeah, I see it, it's all crushed and stuff.

Mom: (scrapes it around with bottom of the sandal)

Me: What the heck are you doing!?

Mom: What? It's already dead, silly.

Me: I don't care about the snail! It's all crushed and mush and you're rubbing the sandal all over it!

Mom: Huh? Oh yeaaaah! EW!!

Me: ... xD

My dad imparted some serious wisdom upon my siblings and me the other day. "You poop, I poop, everyone poops."

Stay classy, dad.

My mom asked: "Dollars? Is that a kind of sect?"
Me: "Yeah. Satanic. Buy me some candles"
She bought them

*at le family gathering*
Me: Dad are you drunk?
Dad: Fuck no
Me; Dad dont say 'fuck', there's kids around
Dad: DONT FUCKING SWEAR
*continues to laugh with uncles*

My mother called once at 3 AM asking where I misplaced something. She was all, "I'm sorry for waking you up, it's important." Waking me up? My first thought was 'how quaint'. It's 3, there's still too much work to do at this time, who can sleep?!

Me: MOM, THE SWAN IS CHASING ME!
Mom: It just wants a hug.
Me: SERIOUSLY, MOM, IT'S EATING MY HAIR!
Mom: *pulls out video camera*
Me: MOTHER!
Mom: Hang on, honey, it's not focused.
Me: I HATE YOU WITH A PASSION RIGHT NOW!
Mom: Now it's focused!

I once spilled some water on the kitchen counter.
My mother responded with, "Quick, wipe it up with a water!"

Mom: Your brother blew up a pan in the sink

If I tell my mom I don't want to do something she always says "If you refuse Ill have to EAT YOUR TOES"......I don't know why but she has been saying this since I was about 5...

I was too lazy to type it up again.

Okay so yesterday I was listening to J-pop when all of a sudden my dad bursts into my room wearing my miku cosplay wig (idk how he even got that) and starts singing ching chang chong ching chang chong to the tune of the song I was listening to!!!!
XD sorry my dad is super rassict

SITUATION NO. 1

I was watching Anime while my dad came into the kitchen. When I went to my more my dad was just like "Are you watching this ching chang chung chong again?" XDD

SITUATION NO. 2

I used to listen to Death Metal and when my dad came into my room to tell me something he just hold in, listened to the music and said: "What is that man? Sounds like he was stung in the ass by a wasp" XD

SITUATION NO. 3

My dad was driving me to the shopping center while some random talk started on the radio about songs and stars.
I started to talk about random stars, like how Selena Gomez datet Justin Bieber and how he said that turkish people smell.
My dad just dropped this "Is it possible that this Bieber guy is gay or something?"
(Note: My dad is NOT into pop culture and knows nothing about the stars nowadays, he didn't even knew a thing about every saying that Bieber is "gay" XD)

>>108 I can TOTALLY imagine that in an Anime!! XDDDD I love your dad! LMAO!!

I was watching Anime late at night when my mother slams my door open without knocking and says, "Stop watching yoyo!"

Translation: Yoyo -> My brothers and sisters used to watch Yugioh a long time ago which was anime

I was watching anime and started to talk about how adorable the character was. My dad came in and asked me "Do you need to go to the doctors?" X'D

So, I told my dad about how my fanfiction got to over 100 kudos and 3k hits.

"You know what this means, Hannah?"

"What?"

"There are a lot of bored people on the internet."

"..."

when i say i thought
thought thought he farted but really he shat himself

>>113 Well he's not wrong.

okay so about 3 weeks ago i went to japan and before i left my dad gave me these very raccist words of wisdom
"dont mention godzilla thats thier 9/11"
...nice dad

>>116 I'm not sure why I laughed so hard. I just did.

Si as I've mentioned before, my dad is super racist when he wants to be. And he wants to be. So there is a deer in the yard across the street...

Me: WOW! Thats so cool! Its so pretty...
Dad: yeah. I wonder what scared it out of the woods and into the neighborhood?*deer goes into backyard*
*black guy walks don the street*
Dad: oh. well that explains it. *turns and walks away*
Me:.....


yep. I share the same dna with that.

Me: I hate salmon.
Dad: You don't hate salmon when you get it at Stella Marie's in that sandwich!
Me: you aren't allergic to eggs when they're in cookies or cake.
Dad:............................I'll get you back for this.

*Dad accidentally walks in on me getting out of the shower*
Dad: Goddamn! Boy if I knew you were gonna be that hairy I'd have named you Mighty Joe Young! You're gonna look like a fucking yeti when you get old!

>>117
well thats okay cause i laughed pretty hard too...
actually half way back from the drive home my mom started laughing again and when we asked her why she said she was still laughing at my dads joke :P

>>110
u love my dad??? fine u can take him he does that shit in PUBLIC some times!!!!

So asked my grandma to go to the store and buy some chew chips ahoy...
Grandma: *calls me* I can't find those chewy chips ahoy you want. I looked all over the chips section and there's no ahoys.

"me showing my dress clothes for a job interview"
Dad: Look! Something possessed him!
Me: What do you mean?
Dad: You never dress nice, you always dress like a wanna be gangster. (asshole XD)

*me and my mom at th dinner table when i start talking to my little brother*

Mom: "Shut up!, No talking at the table! nothing should be moving but your mouths!"


*facepalm*
you need to move your mouth to both talk and to eat so what are you saying mom?!?!?!

I was sharing news about a class poetry reading at school where we all had to write something like a haiku, a limerick, or the like. My mother was interested, of course, because it had to do with my education. I was pretty shocked because my dad looked rather intrigued as well. I then asked him if he liked poetry. This is what happened...

Me: You like poetry, dad?
Dad: Of course, you want to hear a poem from me?
Me: Sure.
Dad: *Ehem* Here I sit, broken hearted, tried to poop, but only farted.
Me: ...

Eloquent as ever, my father is.

Hahaahh hahahahah omg XD >>126 being the guy who loves poetry myself, I can't help but laugh at that XD

When I told my mom dinner made me sick she said
And I quote
"That's one way to lose weight"
Thanks mom XD

To, er...set the scene, my dad was driving his girlfriend and myself home from visiting with my aunt and uncle as the sun was setting.

Dad: Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight-
Gf: That's not a star; that's a planet!
Dad: Well, I don't know that. I'm not an astrologist!
Gf: That's why it's not working. You're wishing on Jupiter.
Dad: *singing* When you wish upon Uranus...

A convo with my Dad a while back...the perv...

Me: *watching Fairy Tail*
Dad: What is that? Japanime?
Me: Japani-what now?
Dad: That Japanime stuff you like...
Me: *trying to contain crazy laughter* Dad...it's "Anime"...
Dad: Holy shit. That blondie's got some serious knockers.
Me: Dad!
Dad: Hell, I could be into Japanime for THAT
Me: ...

So yup! That's Daddy Dearest!

Mom and Step-Dad arguing

Mom: Why are your clothes on the floor?
Dad: They won't stick to the ceiling!

...

*Me watching Harry Potter when Dad walks in*
Dad: Oi! Isn't that Harry Pothead?
Me: Yeah it's... WAIT WHAT?!
Dad: Harry Pothead! It's Harry Pothead!
Me: No, he's not a pothead, Dad! He's Harry Potter!
Dad: Flying cakes and invisible death horses... pretty sure he's a pothead.
Me: *FACEPALM*

*i walk into the kitchen and my parents are sitting on the couch*
mom: what are you doing downstairs?
dad: Ya you're always in your mancave!
mom: more like WOmancave XD
dad: ya have you come to restock on food supplies?
me: haha very funny, *takes bowl of cake and walks back up stairs*

((this story...wasnt as funny as i thought...))

(on May the 4th)

Me: May the 4th be with you!
Mom: What?
Me: May the force be with you Mom.
Mom: Oh! You mean like with Captain Kirk and Spock?
Me: ...

>>133

That's basically me.

>>134

"facepalm".

does it count if its something my dad said to the dog? hmmm... still a dad quote
"Ya can lick what ya want but ya cant have my pie".

I was playing Skyrim in the middle of the night wen my mum came in.
Mum: Can you turn the damn thing down?! I'm sick of the "fus ro dah" this and "fus ro dah" that.
Me: Fus ro dah you. (Mum didn't know what it meant so I pretended it was a swear word)
Mum: *glares at me*
Me: Okay okay I'll turn it down.

It was funny wen it happened, I swear, but I guess i looks lamer written up.

*when

what is wrong wit my "H" key?

*My dad's filling out the form to send me back to public school*

Dad: "What race are you?"
Ham: "Green elf, obv"
Dad: "They don't have that"
Ham: "Clearly, they're racist"
*few min later*
Dad: "Are you homless?"
Ham: "Clearly."
Dad: "Do you live in a household, orphange, agency, or other?"
Ham: "I live in an angency. It's called Torchwood."
Dad: "Heh, nice."

*At the last sparring class I can go to before I go off to college*
Mom: Make sure you beat her up, she won't be back for awhile.

Me and my dad the other morning:

*Me lying on the couch watching TV*
Dad: I am CHICKEN DAD!!!!!
Me you are whaa?
*Dad runs up through the hall way*
Dad: CHICKEN DAD!!!!
Me: Say wha-
*Dad jumps over back of couch grabs me and pulls me to the floor while making chicken noises*
Me: ARE YOU CRAZY YOU COULD OF KILLED ME!!!!
Dad: just trying to help you get over your fear of chickens...
Me: I DON'T HAVE A FEAR OF CHICKENS!!!!!
Dad: Well.... to bad, i bet you do now.
*dad gets up and leaves*

yep... my dad. i know its not really what he said but oh well. I swear i nearly pissed myself when he jumped over the couch.

Mom: Aren't you cold?
Me: Yes. Extremely.
Mom: Don't you have a jacket with you?
Me: Yes, it's right next to me.
Mom: Shouldn't you put it on if you're cold?!
Me: Not yet. I'm cold, but I'm not COLD cold.
Mom: There's no cute boys in here, you don't need to show anything off!
Me: THAT'S NOT WHY I DON'T WANT TO PUT IT ON. I'M JUST NOT THAT COLD.
Mom: okay sureeeeeee......
Me: No SERIOUSLY!
*somehow there is a topic change and we are on the topic of boobs*
Dad: It's strange how you're shorter than your sister by so much (my sister's 5'5" I'm 5'0")
Me: Yeah, but our boobs are like the same size >:D except mine are actually a bit largerrrr!
Mom: Yes we know.
Me: I LOVE MY BOOBIES. BOOBIESSSSS!
Dad: Shhhhhh, lower your voice!
Me: But I love booooooooooobs :)
Mom: You remind me so much of me!
Me: O_______________O Oh God, why do I remind her of her???

Dad: Did you get the mail?
Me: It's sunday dad, we don't get mail on sunday
Dad: Could ya just... check for me, I wanna make sure
Me: Why don't you?
Dad: Could you just... get the mail. It'd be great if you just would go and get it. I'd really appreciate it if you got the mail right now.

*Excited about new LP*
Me: Mum! My new record is glow in the dark!
Mum: I cant hear that its glow in the dark
Me *cries*

Mom: YOLO? isn't that a candy?
Me: No mom, thats Rolo.

Okay so this was like a couple years ago but still...

Me:*on my bed watching tv*
Dad:*Runs into room holding a can of cheese*
Me:yeah whadya want?
Dad:DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?
Me:...What is it?
Dad:ITS NACH YO CHEESE!!!! *SHoves can of Nacho cheese in my face*
Me:...Is that all you needed?
Dad: Yeah thats its...pfft. nacho cheese. *Leaves room*

Early today...
Mom: I don't know whether to be mad or happy that you bought him pot.
Me: Oh come on, he's completely disabled. He can't even drive. Besides, it's bonding time we have when we get high together.
Mom: So! He keeps bothering me all the time when get goes out to smoke.
Me: So. Maybe if you weren't so easy to pester he wouldn't bother you.
Mom: *Scowl*
Me: *Throw hands up* GAWD! You're killin' me here mom! If looks could kill I'd be vaporized.
Mom: *Induce laughing*
Dad: *walks in blazed as can be* Hiya hunny!
Me: *walks away* by mom
Mom: *Sigh*

Mom:Would you rather like to eat fish or meat for todays dinner?
Me:Fish would be great
Mom:Sorry, we already bought meat
Me: -.-" (then why are you asking?!)

or:
My dad is sitting on the ground in our garden (please don't ask me why he did cuz I don't know) talkig to my cousin und picking random little stones from underneath him whilst not seeing them because it's already dark outside.

Dad:...aha,yeah
Takes another random stone
Cousin:and then...uhhh do you do that often?
Dad:huh? What do you mean?
Cousin:crunching slugs
Dad:EW!
Throws slug across our yard

me: so did you like the ballet you saw yesterday?
my mom: no
me: why?
my mom: all they do is hop up and down and there's no plot

"Get a job."

bump

Me, my sister and her husband.

my sis: On Saturday is a christian holiday.
her husband: When? Did it call you?
me *with sarcasm*: Yep, the calendar totally called her.

^

While my brother is talking to cox cable on the phone.

"Pray for his sanity. I'm pretty sure that, like the DMV, phones in tech services are portals to hell." ~my mom

"I just got a scare. Martins sells Justin Bieber calenders." ~my mom

bump

"You see Natasha, rolling a joint is like performing an operation."

hehe..
"I heard that Justin Bieber sing today in the radio, and i wasnt sure if it was a she or a he untill they said after the song that Justin sang it. Sucks to be him, i mean he has such a girly voice." - my dad

"Me: Look at that bean. It's so big, I left it at last.
Mum: It's the Dad-Bean.
Me: Don't say that! It makes me think that I ate a whole family of beans!
Mum: Then...it's an elephant.
Me: AN ELEPHANT FAMILY!
Mum: YES. You are murderer, a cruel elephant-beans murderer who just ruined an entire family- and look! Dad-Bean-Elephant saw everything! He's begging to get eaten too with his whole family!
Me: ...
Mum: Look at how many crap you make me say. Don't tell anybody and eat your friggin' bean."

And that's how everybody know.

"Me: *Makes dying cat sounds*
Mom: *replies with dying whale sounds*
Me: *Replies with dying goat sounds*
Mom: *laughs*
Me: *Evil Laugh*
Mom: That's my girl!"

Mom: I need you to clean up all the Poop in the yard today
Me: yes Ma'am
My dad Puts his glasses on the table and looks at me
Dad: Looks like you got the
He puts on his sunglasses
Dad: SHIT JOBS!
I stare at him as he looks at me
He cuts me off
Dad: Yeah!!!!!
I walk away and can still here him yelling "Yeah"

My mom got into facebook first then I (I never did). So, one morning, she said:

"Look! I'm friends with this japanese lady!"

"How do you know she's japanese, mom?"

"Well, her name is all writen in this weird, drawn, square things. It must be japanese right?"

Me: *facepalms*

(She's been divorced for a while)

Me: Screw You!

Mom: Yeah, eventually. Somebody, Someday...

Me: Wait, what?...Ew!! What the- EWWW!!

>>161 This XDD

Your mother is like a Cliff in the ocean, She just takes all the waves and storms without moving.

>>168 ...You're not doing it right...

Read >>1

>>103

GAWDDAMMIT THE MOST LAUGHS I SWEAR.

x

^

Mom: "Magnolia. You're not helping. Go to your room. Take your bullwhip and your dragon, and go to your room."

Mom: "You son of a bitch!"

Grandma "Millions of years ago the Jews were the cause of all the wars."

Me "Millions of years ago? Like during the time of the dinosaurs?"

*Me and my dad start making fun of each other*

Me- "Cant you see the word stamped on your forehead? It says stupid."

Dad- "huh, what are you talking about? Don't you see the two words before it? It says -Dad points to his forehead- You are stupid."

Me- *silent*

Walks in store with my mother and father and sees live baby chickens in separated pens.

Mom: "Aw~ Don't you want to hold them?" Looks towards me. I shrug and walk away towards my dad.

Dad: "Don't you want to pick up the chicks?" Dad asks while seeing me approach him.

Me: *Smiles* "No~ I don't Pick-Up-Chicks~"

Dad:"......I see what you did there."

>>177 you couldve just said yeah, YOU are stupid.

>>177 Wow. He did that on purpose right?

Me: *Sends mum le pic*

Mom: He did that!?

Me: And threw up in the sink. And pissed on the floor.
I was not amused.
He knew he was a bad kitty.
I asked my roommate if cats can get senile.

Mom: Well, ain't that some shit?! He'd better be senile or some good excuse. If he doesn't have brain damage now, it CAN be arranged!

>>181>>179 lol, yes he did that on purpose and thanks for the nice comeback lol xD

me and my dad bantering about me dying my hair.

Me:i love my new hair color it's so dark.

Dad:yeah it is dark. it matches your soul.

Me: my soul isn't dark its empty mostly..

Dad: no its full of cancer.

me: you're a cancer.

Dad: no i'm a Libra.

>>183 LOL

Haha

"Shave that beard, you look like an Islamic terrorist!"

"Oh you watch Durararararararararara?!"

my mom : "oh, are you on that silly website again? isn't that the one from that animeme you like so much?"

OH god where do i begin?
'Rapunzel is the queen of puns destroy her'
'all you do is watch that kaweyeyeyeye stuff'
'how do you ever proounce that? durrararararrrrrrrrrrrrr'
yup, my dad is nuts

Mom: "Come to see the new chapter of durarara !!"
Yep, my mom watch anime with me, :v

Mom: "You should stop watching those cartoons and study more."
-.-

Mom: "Why do you watch those shows how do you know what their talking saying?"

Me: umm...first of all its anime and its called subtitles...

Mum - "Why are you arguing with your little brother all the time? He's so much younger than you'
Me - "I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why i'm right"

>>190>>191>>192

I suggest you three read past comments. You're not exactly doing it right.

It's funny or ridiculous your parents say.

Same with >>187 and >>188.

It doesn't all have to be about the DRRR!!

>>193 sorry i don´t undertand english, i do what i can jeje

"Don't drink" my mum said..."lol" i said. lol

Up you go

My mother posted this picture to my facebook and said "one sloppy cock"

I'm just gonna use my username instead of my real name for this:
MOM: "Kuroneko can you please get the laundry?"
ME: "Yeah sure mom"
*not even 3 seconds later*
MOM: "Kuroneko can you please empty the dishwasher?"
ME: "But you told me to do the laundry-"
MOM: "DON'T TALK BACK TO MEH!! DO YOUR JOB THEN DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!!"
=_=" some asian parents these days...

I laughed waaaay too hard for that. Now I know how immature I am.

^

This was the moment that happened..
Mom: *borrows my computer and opens up Internet explorer*
Me: uhm...Mom..
Mom: I know what I'm doing, Ayano. *types in https://www.*
Me: .....
Mom: *types in the rest and presses enter, begins to wait* Why is this taking so long? Is the Wiffy working?
Me: Mom, its internet explorer so of course its slow and its WIFI. Use google chrome and it will load faster and the internet connection is perfectly norm-
Mom: DONT SASS ME, I KNOW HOW TO WORK THESE THINGS JUST FINE NOW GO RESET THE WIFFY-WIFI THING.
me: *facepalm*

>>203 lol

>>203 My IE works fast

Me: Why the heck can you never trust me, dad?
Dad: Because of your past mistakes.
Me: That was when I was twelve years old!
Mom: Don't bother arguing with him, son. You're getting nowhere. Besides, if I judged your father based on his past mistakes, I would never trust him.
Me: *jaw drops*
Dad: *instant silence*

BURN!!! LOL!

Mom: Kuro hand me my black pussy
Me: Mom wtf?
We have a black cat

Me: Look women, it's your fault, and you gotta accept that.
*Even though I'm mad, I gotta lock the door, grab my bag, and shuffle out the door and then close the door.*
Me: Goodbye (no matter how mad I am, it's a must to say that)

Now before I continue, my mother turned into a f#cking ninja in like, 0 to 100 REAL F#CKING QUICK. She unlocked the door, grabbed the broom and proceeded to beat the everlasting sh#t out of me.

What she said next made me glad that I have a sore and numb arm.

Mom: B#tch, I brought you into this damn world. And little b#tch n#gga, imma take you OUT of this damn world.
*Now hitting me while we are running, I am laughing do damn hard, and she gets mad.*
Mom: Imma go all Empire on your little punk @$$, Cookie(?) Ain't got SH#T on this!

Bruh, I ain't even know she watched Empire! And who the hell is Cookie?

Me: Look women, it's your fault, and you gotta accept that.
*Even though I'm mad, I gotta lock the door, grab my bag, and shuffle out the door and then close the door.*
Me: Goodbye (no matter how mad I am, it's a must to say that)

Now before I continue, my mother turned into a f#cking ninja in like, 0 to 100 REAL F#CKING QUICK. She unlocked the door, grabbed the broom and proceeded to beat the everlasting sh#t out of me.

What she said next made me glad that I have a sore and numb arm.

Mom: B#tch, I brought you into this damn world. And little b#tch n#gga, imma take you OUT of this damn world.
*Now hitting me while we are running, I am laughing do damn hard, and she gets mad.*
Mom: Imma go all Empire on your little punk @$$, Cookie(?) Ain't got SH#T on this!

Bruh, I ain't even know she watched Empire! And who the hell is Cookie?

Dad: (after changing the tap in the bathroom) Dusty, look! Watch closely. This is how you turn the water on: *turns tap* And this is how-
(17 year old)Me: I think I get the general idea.
Dad: Good, help me teach your brothers.

>>210 I can't....why.....just why?

>>211 Looking back now, I think he /may/ have been trying to get us to stop twisting it too hard and screwing with the washers.

Ohhh lol

"If you naughty, I will sell you to the apu nene downstairs"

"If you don't study properly, you will become a road sweeper"

"The only way you can heels in your size is to go to a drag queen shop" -_-

*staring at a doll* ''this doll is so pretty... well behaved. If I put her here she just stays there. She doesnt talk, she doesnt need food. I need a child like that :3 . '' *I backed away slowly*

One time I heard my parents arguing downstairs, so naturally I went to go check it out. Turns out they were having a very heated and passionate debate over whether communism would ever be a practical economic system. This kind of thing is not unusual for them.

My brother's name is Frederick. My mum one day called him "Friday" by mistake. He then proceeded to call her "Master Robinson" for a week or so and speak like an African savage.

.

My dad once told my sister to go and scoop herself... that was uhhh... interesting.

My mum once tried to say,"Did you have chicken at the Japanese?" But just ended up asking me if I'd had a Chickenese by accident. Oh how I laughed.

Be aware that forgetfulness runs in my family.

Okay,
When I was about to go back to the city for college, my mom told me this, "Don't forget wearing your panties before going"
I was like, "what?!"
She said,"Because your brother forgot to wear his to school today."
"...mom, bro never wore panties."
"Oh..."

>>223 LOL Whaaat? XD
You guys might wanna get that checked!

My sister is moving back home to us and I said I could let her have my room. My mother wanted to know where I would sleep then:

Mother: "If she gets your room, where will you sleep?"
Me: "I'll just move in (my over 20 years old brothers) room if he's okay with it. I'm eiter way hanging around there when I'm not sleeping or at the computer."
Mother: "And you're sure it'll be okay, without sexual approaches...?"
Me:... *starts laughing*


I really don't know how she got such and idea...

>>225 ...Is he like...your STEP-brother?

Or do you guys just live in the South?

My mom told me about sex last night. It was funny because she told me about how to tell them what I want during an intercourse and IF THEY CUM YOU CUM!

>>226 We do have the same parents and we don't live in the south~

>>227 >>225
Y'all's parents are TOO comfortable.

so... Has anyone here read the book Shit my Dad says?

Anyway, I don't really have anything to contribute. The shit my mom say's is pretty hurtful and abusive... No, I don't want to talk about it so don't even ask.

>>230 We're not going to. Because if you read OP, it specifically asks you NOT to post things like that for the sake of keeping the entire thread upbeat.

And someone mentioned it early at like, the thread's creation. Never heard of it until then.

Was riding in the car with my friend, mom was driving. We turn on the radio, and song comes on (can't remember the name but the lyrics were hey I heard you were a wild one...) my friend and I start to sing the words really loudly, but my mom changes the station quickly. When I asked "what did you do that for?" She responded by slamming her hands on the steering wheel and shouting "BECAUSE ITS ABOUT SEX" super loudly. o.0

0__0 ...Never really listened to the lyrics. I always thought it was about having a good time...at a club...dancing and stuff...

At least you guys weren't singing "Pony".

I WANT YOUR FUNNIES, PEOPLE!

We Need More Laughter In This Board!

Convo with Mom Part 1

>>236 Part 2

>>237 Part 3

>>238 Part 4

>>239 Part 5

>>240 Part 6

>>241 Part 7

>>242 Part 8