Hello, everyone. I'm really not one to open up to people, but I think I need to tonight because I'm scared I'm going to finally let the sadness win. I'm really tired right now, my eyes keep closing and I'm not even three sentences in. But, what I'm trying to say is: I want to die. Life isn't beautiful to me, anymore. I'm questioning if it ever was. Here's a little back ground information: I was adopted when I was born and my real mother came into my life when I was in fifth grade. My adoptive mother and my biological mother argued over me and fight and scream constantly and that's when I started to feel worthless for the first time because they were more concerned with making each other feel bad, than considering how I felt. Fast forward a few years later, my adoptive mother gave me up to my real mother and I changed towns and was even more miserable. In this new town, I had literally no one. I met one person, a boy, and he raped me several months later. I told no one for years. This led to an extensive self harm and drug abuse problem that five years later, I still can't shake. I've been to countless recovery programs, and even admitted to behavioral hospitals; but, I've only ever managed to stay clean for a matter of weeks. I've attempted to off myself numerous times in the past and was almost successful about two years ago, when I put myself into a coma for a little over a few weeks. Currently, I have little to no support IRL. My friends tell me to keep it to myself, that I'm strong, that I don't need them. I do, though. I do. I'm currently in a relationship, and I love this person very much, but he is also quite sad and I can't tell him a single thought of mine for fear of setting him off and him getting upset. We use each other for sex, drugs, and irrelevant conversation to take up time. I dont't want to leave him, because there's a huge chance he'll try to hurt himself, and at this point in my life, I couldn't handle that AT ALL.
I used to have aspirations. I used to wake up feeling grateful. I used to want to write and go into animation because those were the only two things I thought I was good at. But, I've been told time and time again that I'll be poor and unhappy and it's not worth it, and that really took a toll on my attitude towards the future. I start college soon, and I have no reason to go through with it. I think by offing myself I'll save the government a few thousand dollars in financial aid and maybe that could go to someone else who will make something of themselves. I recently just got fired from my job, and my grades at school are dropping each day. School makes me feel even more worthless and raises my anxiety significantly for those few hours and by the end of the day, I'm so frazzled and numb and sad I just sleep. I don't know. My problems seem trivial as I read back over them, but I'm unable to properly describe just how low I feel right now. I lost my ability to use words a long time ago. I've lost a lot of things, I guess. I'm planning my escape right now, and it's either going to be a bottle of pills or I'm going to jump into my car and go somewhere and not look back. I don't care if I'm running away, I've been good at that my whole life. But right now, I'm leaning towards the first option and for some reason, something in my head told me to come here and ask for help. To ask for hope, to ask for anything. Because I used to be able to remember that the world isn't as cruel as I think it is by myself, but tonight-- tonight, I think I need to hear it from someone else.

I know how it feels to be depressed. It's a horrible feeling, especially when struggling with other things. But if there's one thing I've learned, no matter how bad life is, there's always something better waiting. By harming ourselves or killing ourselves we do nothing but hurt those we love and care about deeply. We sometimes feel like there's no one that'll miss us or no one that cares but that's never true. There's always someone out there that cares! Always someone who'd miss you! You have to remember that the world's not as bad as it seems. There's always a rainbow at the end of the storm, right? So, there's gotta be something great awaiting you. Nobody is better than anyone else. We all have the right to be happy and live. Bear, you need to try a different approach if your current approach on life isn't working. Maybe if you get into an old hobby you may have quit or find some friend you know you can go to for help life will start to progress and get better. Life likes to kick us hard and make us feel down but we just gotta fight back and get back up. Life gets better. Just don't give up. Fight for your happiness!

[Do you think it's cool not to smile?
If you go through life like that though, you wouldn’t notice.
You can’t be close to being a Minus like that.
Even if things don’t go the way you want them to.
Even if you lose.
Even if you don’t win.
Even if you look like an idiot.
Even if you’re walked on.
Even if you’re kicked.
Even if you’re sad.
Even if you’re bitter.
Even if you’re tired of it all.
Even if it hurts.
Even if it’s hard.
Even if you’re weak.
Even if you aren’t right.
Even if you’re humble.

Through all of that,
We Minus always laugh]

While I am not very good with words I'll do my best. First off I don't think your problems are trivia. You have gone through a lot where most people would give up. I am not going to say life is going to be great all the time, People have some real big challenges to overcome throughout their lives. Let me tell you a story I was told from my friend who worked at a hospital as a volunteer. He helped out at the children's section of the hospital where they held kids with fatal problems that couldn't be cured or were still in development. There was one boy who had Acute leukemia who had somehow survived to 13 years old. he was much older than most other children there. He was the person who made people laugh, loved by everyone, and always saw the good side of things. One day he talked to my friend and told him he didn't have much longer to live but although he had to die while never go do normal things like go to school or get married or even go over to a friends house, he was still happy... He was still happy because it was him dying rather than another person who would get to experience those things in his place and they would get to enjoy things and go see the world. And a few days later he passed away. The hospital was silent. Every single person there missed him and it was a day that he will never forget. Think of all the things you got to do so far in your life. Your at a school which Even if it has such terrible events in it I am sure that there is at least one thing you found enjoyable. Don't let others rule your life. You can be an animator or writer and no one has the right to tell you otherwise. Even if you think you will be poor from it you can still be happy. You were given life and should do something with it. Even if you think it is irrelevant it is something that some people never got the chance to do.



FREE YOURSELF

Is it alright to stay sealed away
holding on to the ultimate privacy
why do people do it? Hide what they feel every day
endure pain and suffering concealing it and not feeling intimacy
Maybe they don't have anyone to tell although they long
maybe they think they are saving themselves from embarrassment
humans are meant to share their feelings with others holding them in feels wrong
Life life fully don't hide emotions don't lock away your heart it is just an impediment
Without others life is lonely and while you can lie to yourself and other people
you can't lie to your aching heart.

While I don't normally share my poetry maybe I can convey my thoughts better. I wish you luck, Sorry for the lack of organization in my post I went on rambling for a while.
-Blockbust

Death isn't the answer. It is just making the people who fought and died for your life and freedom be in vain.

The world can be cruel, it can be forgiving. For the most part, it averages out over time. Don't think that you not going on to college would be better off. If you're good at writing and animation, then do it. You don't have to be the next big name, but by following through things you are good at you will improve your self. You might feel better somewhere else - location has a major effect on emotions. If you don't go to college, where will you be then? Still living in an emotional hole? You probably need to separate from your past - but never forget it, it'll make you a better person in the end. Your problems AREN'T trivial, trust me. I went through similar things in my parent's rough divorce, which involved constant berating and a short episode of parental kidnapping. Saying "I love you more than your other parent" isn't love, it's a declaration of war. You've been cheated out of an normal childhood, but that doesn't mean you can't grow up to have a more normal adulthood. Focus on escape, leaving the past behind. Fight for survival. If you truly love the person you're in a relationship with, try to help them improve, too. It isn't always obvious, but all people have something they're good at and enjoy. Work to achieve a better life - it'll be rough, but it'll pay off. Where will you be if you don't leave? Hang in there, Bear - The world isn't as cruel as you think.

Well, you sound depressed from my stand point and at least you know what is the root of it. Depending on how old you are, and how much money you got, you could just dip and live on your own. Of course pills and drugs are a much easier escape, but those don't really last.

Also I think I would rather be poor and happy, since my dad is always pissed and acts like he hates life due to him only going into a job for money. I think it would be better to look forward to going to work, rather than dreading it.

I think I understand how you feel I have this friend of mine, she had a happy life, she did martial arts was good at school and then she just found out that she'll die when she's 30. She started hanging out with people that drink alchocol and smoke so she started drinking too. Then once she drank too much and fell into a coma and this guy raped her. So she wakes up and finds out she was raped. She fell apart. But then, suddenly, she woke up, shook her sadness away and decided to continue living. She is very intelligent and eventhough she knows she'll die in 15 years(she's fifteen now and so am I) she decided to use the time she has to live a happy life. I honestly admire her beacouse she's so strong. I told you this story so that you know things an always be better. If you need to talk I'll give you my mail or something we can even meet in the chatroom eventhough I don't know if I'll be able to say anything wise since I'm just 15.

At first sorry for my bad english. I understand the most what you said.

I like to say I know how you feel, but I don't know. I'm 16 and never had an experience like you. I like to say don't give up the life has ups and downs but I think you don't belive in it. I really want to say something that helps you but I don't know what. Go forward and expect the future. I know it sounds like nothing but somehow I want to help you. When you like to chat my e-mail: xlilletx@aol.de

Don't know what to say sweetheart. Your life has been horribly cruel, and your adoptive mother should have never handed you over like that. It makes no sense for you to feel "worthless" though; if anything, during that time you should have felt very treasured.. but anyway.

Sometimes you gotta run away. Life gave you a bad hand; get in your car and drive and start with a new hand of cards. You were too young before, and because of that, people pulled you this way and that, without your consent, and took advantage of you. You're an adult now. Killing yourself is your choice, but don't you feel like you're just letting the demons of your past win? Don't you want to tell'm "fuck that" and turn a new leaf to become the person you want and should be?

Thank you all so much for the kind words. I made it through the night.
<3
Thank you all so, so, so much.

I know how you feel. My best friend left me, and I feel worthless sometimes, but you need to find that one thing in life and just run with it. For me its my violin. I love it. Its the one way I can just let go, express myself, be myself, and no one cares how or what I do to let go. Its soooo amazing to be completely mad, that ecstatic about music in a split second. You need to find your love in life. Then you'll be set when ever you need to be :D

LIVE ON! YOUR WORTH IT TO ME!!!

For your depression, I suggest you read this. I know it's long, but it's useful and good advice. I recommend this to anyone suffering from depression.
_____________________________________________________________

There's a process in your brain called the Dopamine reward system. If you didn't know, Dopamine is the main of the four hormones in the brain that I call "happy hormones" and it is the only one that's only purpose is to make you happy.

There are several things that cause a release in Dopamine. This is how the Dopamine reward system starts. When you do something that releases dopamine, your mood improves. Things that cause this are exercise, chocolate, looking at someone with a proportional face (basically someone that's hot), or smiling. I'm sure there's more, but those are the only things that I've been told.

When I say exercise, I don't mean actually lifting weights or running. While this does also help, it could be anything. Go play tag with a friend. Go take a jog with your dog. While your active, it counts. This also helps because it improves your body shape, which makes you feel better about yourself. It also just leaves you too exhausted to give a fuck by the end of the day.

Eating chocolate releases dopamine, but I don't have much else to say about it. I guess that's why girls like chocolate when they're depressed.

Looking at someone that's hot helps when you make eye contact. Why this works? Your brain must be rewarding you for catching the attention of a hot person. This is why people stare at hot people.

Smiling helps a lot. It's also the easiest to do when you can't do the others. The more you smile, the more dopamine released, the happier you are, and the cycle goes on.

I haven't heard this with the Dopamine reward system, but it's proven that people with pets live longer happier lives. You feel accomplished. It helps to feel unconditionally loved by your pet. I've seen people cheer up at the cite of a cute cat or dog or whatever. Cute animals helps.

My advice? Get a dog and run with it twice a day. IT's good for the dog and you. Get one from the shelter. These dogs will love you unconditionally because you literally just saved them from a hell hole. Then you're active and you have the cute pet for double dopamine. When you're at school or something, then you just smile. It feels weird at first to smile when your not happy, but it helps pretty quickly. Try to smile, laugh, or listen to a good joke. If you have a hard time smiling for no reason, then try to find a good joke to make you laugh.