This is my first post up on here and ot be honest im nervous as hell. I guess im doing this to admit whats happened to me and i never have before. Today in newton Ct a man killed 20 children and 8 others. To be honest this hurt me deep down. I truly cant understand how humans can be so cruel to one another it sickens me.But thats is towards the end of my story. I was raised by a single mother my whole life, when she was 23 she was in an accident involving her spinal column. Over the past 19 years it has gotten much worse to the point where now she has to take a cocktail of painkillers to even sit up in bed without excrutiating pain. MY mother always tried her best taking the high road but in the end people took advantage of her and she worked like a dog until most of her spine is on the verge of collapsing now. My father was a deadbeat, never paid child support for 8 years, said my mom kidnapped me, did nothing to help raise me and left my mother for dead. My paternal grandmother was always on his side, because im a bastard treated me as such, and what can i say in a family of blondes she makes sure i know im the only one with black hair. My family on my dads side just goes along with whatever she says and im the one left behind. My mom along with going through 23 surgeries since ive been born she also got cancer and thats where it really started to go down for me. During this time i told off my dad in an email and i mean really told off. Because of how i was treated as a paraiah by my dads family and my mom being ashamed at how i did it i had three mental breakdowns per se and i ended up twisting into myself and giving up all my morals just so i could somehow live as this monster i made myself into. Not caring about anyone but myself, ebing cruel to others, and i took joy in it. manipulation and harming others uing htem t ofurther myself i did it and i enjoyed it. Lately though ive tried to better myself, stop wearing the mask i fused to my face and ive started enjoying life. But today i just broke again with this shooting that happened and one ackass friend ofm ine who treated me like i was an idiot for being sad over it. this caused us to fight and i realized i just didnt care anymore and i jsut feel like i broke agian. Ive just reached a point where i dont know whoo i am anymore and i guess imjust typing this to tell my story or looking for advice or comfort i dont know.

1. I took you seriously until the "I'm a monster bullshit". All credibility was lost there.
2. We have ranting, complaining, and random thought threads, this would belong in one of those.
3. Go read the damn FAQ.

oShit. We've got a Crisis goin down in this joint. The guy obviously wants advice since this is in the Personal section. So give the man some advice and let him talk. He's on the right path and sounds like an amusing fellow, lol. Making such a crisis out of this whole thing >>

Whelp, right then. After reading everything that you had to say, listen to what I have to say, or go on being a pitiful pile of human flesh ^^

Just do what you want to do in life, lol. If someone wants to treat you like dirt for no reason, then you make them into dirt. Shared blood =/= love. Treat them like the dirt they are too (which from what you said, you obviously haven't been). Get a god damn grip on things, stop bitching to a bunch of people who is probably no better than anyone that you've already met, and create yourself all over again. Don't like what you are now? Find out what you do like. You like making people suffer but you still want to be a nicer person? Make people that deserve it suffer. Who deserves it? Use your head on that one.

I'm not saying to go psycho and shoot up a school (Since some people tend to think that that's gonna fix everything), but simply be you. Stop caring about other people except for the people you want to care about, and just do what you want. You're alive after all, right? Do something about it.

>>3 Lol. Stop being such a faggot.

I would, but with charmers like you out there, who could possibly resist ;D

Nomad, your advice really was terrible. You're feeding into either a delusion created by an actually mentally ill person, or you're feeding into a completely fabricated fantasy created by a frivolous dick.

No matter which one OP is, your advice can only be detrimental. At least, part of it was. The other part was generic and lacked any substance. Because I can't tell which type of person OP was, as stated above, I don't feel the need to embellish.

>>6 just saying man im just depressed. im not mentally ill or anything like that and im not making it up trust me i wish i was.
>>2 sorry but thats just how i saw myself if i said i became a fucking douchebag would it have sounded any better?
>>3 thanks man or woman whatevery ou know whati mean. I think you are right about a few things especially my family but personally i dont think i should treat them as badly i would just be going to their level dont you think?

>>7 Yes, it would have. It would have been realistic, and not sounded like the 101 threads where someone says "I'm a monster. I can't control my dark urges. All I do is fight and be a faggot".

>>6 Because this entire thing sounds like one big fantasy. Cause seriously bro, if I was mentally ill, THIS is what I would be imagining. Right?

Butt out. The advice was for him, not for you. Furthermore, if the only reason that you're even talking on this thread is for the sake of telling me that I'm wrong, then don't you think that you're a bit less stable? I'd be a little worried for myself if the only thing I did was run around telling people how bad their advice is at advice that has nothing to do with them xD

>>7 No, it wouldn't be going onto their level. When it comes to life, people get things done by having power. WHen people have money, they make businesses. When people get into fights, the stronger person tends to win, or in these days, who ever has the better weapon on hand. The way I see it, there are no 'levels' in life, and if you were to be thrown into the jungle, I'm pretty sure that the avoidance of 'lowering yourself to their level' would get yourself killed by what ever lucky carnivore you run into.
People are mostly simple and stupid. We have posts in this thread that prove that. They focus on negative things for the sake of being negative, and don't contribute a single shred of productivity. In the end though, people are animals. A little more dressed up, a lot more rules, and tons more ways to keep the powerful powerful, whilst keeping everyone else weak. But the idea of not going down to their level isn't really possible in the long run, as they've established that they can do as they please, without a single person to oppose them on it.

>>9 reading that voer a few times i can see what you mean and i htink you make a very good point.

Ok, back to actually giving advice.
First off, I'm really sorry about your mom. Second off, I know how you feel about not knowing yourself. You have every right to be mad at your dad and his side of the family for treating you like dirt. You also have every right to say whatever the hell you want to say to them. There's nothing wrong with voicing your opinion. You don't owe your dad anything. Sometimes you have to put on that mask to keep yourself from breaking down, I know, but you should also search for a way to work your way back to the life where you don't need that mask. My suggestion is talk to your mom. Tell her why you sent that Email, why you've been so angry and why you've been so selfish. Don't make it a shouting match because it will just end badly. Remember to hear out your mom. I'm sure she's also having some conflicting feelings. I know this may not be the best advice but it would be where I would start if I where you. Good luck.

>>9 That had literally nothing to do with anything I said.

Dear OP,

Just do what you want, but make a concrete decision as to what you want first before doing anything. If you want to become a better person, then control yourself and be nice. If you don't mind being a jerk, then just let yourself go. But either way, make the decision. Just know, that each decision will hold its own pros and cons, and I'm sure I don't need to tell you what they are: you've probably thought about them plenty already. I do want to say, take heart, and be ready to accept the cons when they show up, and you'll be fine.

small update on this my dads side of the family also didnt tell me three family memebers who i knew and were close with died this motnh. yeah.