I need a cigarette.

I need a drink.

I want every drug in the world and all at once.

I just don’t want to feel anything. I can’t do this again. I can’t. I cant i cant I cant. I don’t fucking want to. IT’s not fucking fair! it’s fucking not fair and I don’t want to do it. Three fucking years.

This will be three years straight now and It’s not fair. I’ve been such a good person and I don’t deserve this pain again this year. I don’t want to feel this loss. I’d rather be dead than go through this again tomorrow.

And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about it.

I’ve never hurt so bad. Not for Sammie or Zombie. I didn’t even know it was possible, but I’ve never hurt this bad ever. Not when Zombie and Sammie passed. Not for any breakup. Nothing has ever felt this awful.

I don’t know if it makes me feel better or worse that this is the right decision.

This is a mercy. She won’t make it another month anyways. Better this than letting her suffer.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair at all.

And there’s nothing I can do about it but scream at the heavens and at my pillow.

And I can’t stop crying. And I can’t sleep.

I just want it to stop hurting.

Sadie. You are so loved.

If I could make you understand any one thing before you pass, it’s that I love you with all my heart. You are beautiful and you’ve been the best friend I could ever have.

I remember when Kellee got you a real rabbit fur chew toy. We gave it to you and you got all excited after you smelled it. And then we set it on the ground, and you wagged your tail and nudged it with your nose, and after a few moments your ears dropped. Your tail stopped wagging and you gently picked it up and and carried it to your bed. You curled around it and licked it and nudged it and tried to get a response from this little piece of rabbit fur. And then you looked up at us, all sad, ears down, and you started to whine. My heart broke right there. You poor dog. You would have made such a great mother. I wish you could have had pups.

I wish you could have had more room to roam and play and enjoy your little doggy life. I wish I had bought you more treats. Played with you more. I wish I had a bigger bed, so you could have slept with me.

You never realize how big apart of your world something is until you’re threatened with it’s loss. Until you know it’s about to be gone. And you are such a big part of my world, Sadie Marie Cheney. And now it’s all falling apart and I don’t know what to do.

If I could make you understand one thing, it would be that I love you.

Well when I read the first part of this I was like "fuck yea, smoking and drink now that sounds like my regular nights"! But after reading more of it I feel sorry for you.
I don't know how old you are or what kind of life you have but realize that dieing is a natural part of life. Whether it's our time is up or we've meet an unfortunate time in our lives that leads to our inevitable death it will always be imminent no mater what the case; and it's unfair. With so much more to live for or want to live for it hit's us deep down into sadness and fear. However because death can never be stopped we are only left with the option to cry our eyes out and just move on with our loved ones forever in our memories. We must over come this tragic part of our lives because that's what they would have wanted you to do; keep living and live happily. We can't put our lives on hold because of something that was beyond our control, we live on and make the best of what we have. Life is tragic but it also makes it beautiful; and the beauty of this world is endless. Take your time mourning till your comfortable, but please don't be defeated by this because if you do it will only create more sadness for others and even worse for your self. Take care and don't let the darkness take your happiness away; don't be defeated.

I'm so sorry for you, I'm desperately trying to find proper words to comfort you. I'm in no place to say this since I haven't gone through what you are, but hang in there and try to eventually accept this. I'm so sorry, I wish I could be there for you, despite we being strangers, and give you a hug.
And judging by the amount of emotion from you, I am definitely sure that Sadie knows you love her.
I'll be praying for the both of you tonight.

>Every drug in the world all at once

Oh shit, nigga.
You and I need to party.

Oh god, I feel terrible for you.

My dog recently passed away, so I could relate to you just a smidge.

A smidge. After poor ol' Prince passed away, I did one thing that cheered me up.

Writing.

I wrote a shit-ton of unfinished one-shots and 3 chapter stories in my saved drafts on G-mail. So, I suggest that you do something to occupy yourself, although judging from what you feel like right now, well, I don't know.

All I can say is best of luck.